I need to just vent here about my transition and community. I feel lost in so many senses. I thought I found a wonderful community at a support group but I slowly found out over the past year that a lot of jealousy was running under the surface. I never felt I could be happy with my own transition. Outside of support I went through so much trauma from being abused and losing all of my friends I loved, my family never being emotionally supportive despite the healthcare I got, my best friend stole from me and when the bondsmen came they had a gun to my head for a the longest second of my life my first college friend raped me at the end of last summer and bottom surgery and the complication was so ->-bleeped-<-ing painful I wanted to just kill myself...

I tried expressing myself at support but no one would listen because I have so much access to things. When I needed support at group no one came to my dude and listened. Hell I was even told to expect no sympathy from anyone by one of the trans girls. I really believe they're jealous that I've had all these opportunities.

Through all of that I somehow I managed to survive. Right now despite making new and supportive friends I find myself lost. I don't know how to open up anymore, I've given up the search for therapy, I cry myself to sleep most nights and marijuana has been the only thing that keeps me calm and preventing me from getting into alcohol again... I just feel so lost and I don't know what to do...

Sent from my HTC6525LVW using Tapatalk

Hugs sorry to hear this.I just wanna give you a big hug

Aww thank you

I do have done hope that these new friends will be good for me

Sent from my HTC6525LVW using Tapatalk

Post surgical I have been out of work for two years. My roommate/best friend passed away two years ago. My brother passed away 4 years ago. Life after surgery isn't all roses like we hope it would be. The strange thing about it when I compare the pain of the above items and compare it to the pain I had before I transitioned. I found the time before I transitioned to be far more painful. I never used drugs or alcohol because I feared if I found something that would make the pain go away, I would not deal with my issues. I fear your use of drugs may delay you from dealing with some real problems delaying your return to a happy life.

With the death of my roommate I was running on autopilot for the better part of two years. Nobody would be able to talk me out of what I was feeling so I just had to live one day at a time. After about a year and a half, things started getting better and the first signs were I could sleep more at night. As I near the end of my second year, I find that there is a new me to be explored and that is one of the reasons I found Susan's. As much as I miss my roommate, I have reached the point where I look forward to a new and different life without her.

Time really does heal all wounds but we all have to find our on way to work through our problems. I no longer need therapy to work through my problems but you are still so close to surgery that you haven't defined a new life yet. Therapy to adjust to your new life may still be needed. I suggest you take you post and show it to your therapist. With that information your therapist will understand your problem is no longer transsexualism but a more common adjustment to the world that all people face.

I hope it works out for you as you have a bright future ahead of you that you can't see yet. If I can help you, let me know because that is why I am on this site.

I'm at that point where I am taking out a day at a time, I have further surgery to fix the complication in the fall. Right now my goal is to just find work and move on from all this and find a place of my own. When I began I never knew how much this would hurt me, I almost regret transition. It feels almost that the pain wasn't worth it, I can't find any good in it. Yes I feel comfortable in my body but the cost has been too much on me. But no way in hell would I go back, I worked too dam hard to achieve this. I know I deserve it and happiness.

Sent from my HTC6525LVW using Tapatalk

Quote from: Riley Skye on July 01, 2015, 02:39:55 PM
I'm at that point where I am taking out a day at a time, I have further surgery to fix the complication in the fall. Right now my goal is to just find work and move on from all this and find a place of my own. When I began I never knew how much this would hurt me, I almost regret transition. It feels almost that the pain wasn't worth it, I can't find any good in it. Yes I feel comfortable in my body but the cost has been too much on me. But no way in hell would I go back, I worked too dam hard to achieve this. I know I deserve it and happiness.

Sent from my HTC6525LVW using Tapatalk

I feel much the same way. At no point after surgery did I want to return to the old life. I lost my job about a month after surgery while I was still recovering (took much longer in those days). I spent the night sitting on my bed beating a pillow and cussing myself and the world out. After about three days of it and some time getting badly needed rest, I retuned to the task of living. The though flashed through my mind did I regret my surgery as is resulted in this? The answer was no, I never regretted my surgery.

All I can say is I know it gets better. I pointed out some painful moments but in the 33 years there have been some very happy moments as well. It's to bad that these bad moments happen before we have had time to experience the good.

I just want to live happily now and I know it's going to be a flight for it. I just want adjust into society and be a young woman. Being trans is tiring and because of all this I forgot how to live

Sent from my HTC6525LVW using Tapatalk

Big hugs, sweetie.  Big hugs.

Can you talk some of these things over with a therapist?

One thing that many of us find is that transitioning only solves our problems that directly relate to gender dysphoria.  My traumas, PTSD, substance abuse history, regrets and history of being a complete screwup are demons that never went away after I addressed the mother of them all.  I know my demons so well now that they and I are on a first name basis and I know how to tackle them when they rear their ugly heads. (One at a time.)

More hugs,
Jill

In a way you may have an advantage over me because before my surgery I never knew how to live. After surgery the company of my roommate prevented me from fully exploring myself. I now find myself a 63 year old with the social interest of a 16 year old girl. I have become sexual for the first time in my life. As much as I miss my roommate, her leaving has opened up a new world I want to explore. As I see it there isn't much difference between both of us. We are both finding out what life after surgery is like without others to support us. I am just far slower about doing it than you.

Sadly therapy is a big fat joke where I live and after suffering abuse at a hospital, a bad therapist and one who was inattentive I just don't trust shrinks.

I'm finding myself now needing to just push past the pain and somehow find a job so I can escape

Sent from my HTC6525LVW using Tapatalk

Quote from: Riley Skye on July 01, 2015, 03:49:01 PM
Sadly therapy is a big fat joke where I live and after suffering abuse at a hospital, a bad therapist and one who was inattentive I just don't trust shrinks.

I'm finding myself now needing to just push past the pain and somehow find a job so I can escape

Sent from my HTC6525LVW using Tapatalk

hugs I feel a lot of suppression from you

You live where there should be many therapy options. For this you might be better going in to private session instead of group. I would look into a psychologist to deal with this type of problem. They have the approach where they understand you have problems but they help you learn how to deal with the issues they have. You may already know this but I thought it was worth a mention.

I think therapy would be good. Doesn't need to be a psychiatrist just a plain phychologist for someone to talk to. Yes, there are bad doctors , but I found the good far exceed the bad and you just need to keep trying till you find one right for you. I've been through quite a lot of therapy and only had one idiot.

I've been trying to look for a therapist, I'm seeing I've now but it's not helping, these meds I take don't either. I'm just so lost. I honestly feel suppressing them now so I can survive is better...I feel once I'm off long island I'll be able to find better help

Sent from my HTC6525LVW using Tapatalk

if you can, have tried going into the city?

Sent from my VS985 4G using Tapatalk

How long before you are off Long Island? Have you considered an online therapist? As down as you are you shouldn't wait very long before you get treatment.

Riley,

Sometimes it seems easier to open up to the safety of those you don't know. As Dena offered, please feel free to keep posting here and PM if need be.

I have been closed off for years and only just learning to open up. All that without all the brutal things you have gone through. I am so sorry to hear that.

If just venting without further investigation helps just say so. I too think therapy is so important but I am a recent and therefore zealous convert. Perhaps you can find a woman therapist you can trust? I don't know, I just feel so bad and wish I could help.

With warm thoughts sent your way,

Joanna

I don't know the city at all, no one I go to send to be able to help  and I have no clue when I'd be able to move. I don't know much about where I live and it's too exhausting to look for therapy or even work. I just want help and hugs.

Sent from my HTC6525LVW using Tapatalk

idk if long island is like nj but here we have a assistance program called DVR. through them is how I got my current job (not something I see myself in permanently but its a job non the less) if there's anything I can do to help, don't be afraid to ask though idk if I can be of much help but I'll try

Sent from my VS985 4G using Tapatalk