(I'm sorry if this is in the wrong section, I'm new and don't know where to put it).
I don't expect everyone to understand, but I'm just searching for some helpful ideas on what to do.

I don't want to get into everything leading up to right now, but I'll start close. I saw a doctor to start on hormone replacement therapy so that I could transition into a girl. Although excited I was filled with dread at the same time during the meeting and the entire week leading up unto when I got my pills. There was a point when I hit a 'high' in which I only happily imagined the future, but the day I got my pills that all disappeared. I was immediately scared and unhappy, but it was the next day I would start. Woke up and waited to start, was happy but also scared again, I couldn't bring myself to take them. Then me and my partner had a fight about this. My partner, understandably, isn't 100% thrilled about the transition process. And I am with them there. Without much detail, we fought and I threw my pills down the toilet. It was in small part from the fight, but in large part for me.

If I could wake up a girl then I would be ecstatic, but I'm not sure I am okay transitioning. The thought of transitioning just makes me mad and unhappy, I want to be a girl but I don't want to have to become a girl. And although I know that I am 'real' I'm just worried that after taking my pills I'll feel fake inside. I more than anything wish I could just live a life without this and just be happy, but I know that's impossible. I know transitioning is the answer, it just makes me unhappy that it is.

With that said, I just don't know what to do. I am going to contact my doctor in a week but I'm at a loss for what to say. I need some kind of excuse, something I can say that sounds real, if I say that in a fit of fear and loathing I flushed them, I'll probably not be able to get them re-prescribed. I need something I can say that will get them to prescribe me another regiment, that's where I need your help.

Please, any ideas on what to say and also just any one else who's dealt with the same issues sharing their stories would be great as well.

I think I'd go with the truth - fear is quite understandable. Try not to do it next time though.

I know fear is somewhat understandable, but if I told them the truth don't you think they'd assume I'm 'unready to transition' and would probably not re-write my prescription?

You wouldn't be the first to have that kind of moment, so don't worry too much about your GP's reaction. They will surely understand this is a big deal. Just be honest.

As for what to do, well put it this way. The treatment is slow and reversible until you are a fair way in.

That forces you to take it slow. It also gives you time to figure out if this is what you really want.

So, you have nothing to lose. It could be totally ground-breaking for you. But if it doesn't feel right, that is OK as well.

Sometimes you need to explore the reason for that fear. Have you talked to a therapist at all? Outside of that, I don't know.  I do know that taking the hormones, even for a short time, will give you a sense of calm or feel all wrong pretty quickly. Short term the effects are temporary and worth trying out.

Hey alienogkitty

Welcome to Susan's    Great to have you here - looking forward to seeing you around the forum.

I'd go with the truth too. Tell them it was the result of a fight with your partner.

If you are having doubt, concerns, fears about transition you should know that this is not unusual. But if you find you are particularly wrought you should also talk with a therapist about those concerns.

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Cheers

Grace

Been there, done that.

Just be candid and explain your reaction as clearly as possible.

When I did it, I got a stern lecture about environmental pollution and a new px.

truth is always the best policy, even though it can be difficult at times/

If you guys think honesty is okay, I guess I'll be honest.

My plan then, I'm going to send her an email (at planned parenthood) and explain what happened. I had an appointment scheduled for August 26th as the first checkup. I also have a therapist meeting and a laser session sometime in the weeks leading up to that. I'm hoping to explain and then tell her I have the two appointments and ask if she can re-write the prescription for the 26th so that we could start on that date instead. Do you think that would be an acceptable and appropriate email/question?

And it's just difficult, I don't really want to be either gender but I want my body to be female (and to at least be called female instead of male if needed). This time in culture also isn't helping my issues. The whole Caitlyn Jenner thing and all the current trans visibility is making me very unhappy.

just curious , do you have a therapist that can help you explain the situation

So sorry that happened to you. I would tell them the truth about what happened and probably try to make sure the meds are away from anywhere that can happen. Welcome to Susan's. Good luck and Hugs
Mariah

Quote from: stephaniec on July 26, 2015, 12:53:57 AM
just curious , do you have a therapist that can help you explain the situation

  No I don't. I haven't seen one regularly yet, and I've just done a couple sessions. A lot of this has been self discovery and thought because I know that nobody can feel what I feel specifically, and so I don't see the point in spending a lot of time with a therapist.

Self discovery is good and fine, but sometimes having someone else with a bit of perspective on the issue can really help deal with concerns and uncertainty.

I think you need a therapist right away. You are going to have to make a decision as HRT is powerful drugs and can't just be stopped and started. Talk to someone about how you feel, set a plan and stick with it. If you used insurance to buy your meds you may not be able to fill them again until their records show they are due. Can't just flush and go get more.

If you want the hormones again, ask for them again.

Your doctor is not allowed to tell anyone else, and hey, it is Planned Parenthood, so you are FAR from the first trans patient this doctor has seen. Aside from some mild embarrassment, there should be no problem at all.

If you wait until your check up, you will get the same result and you will have to tell the same story, but you will be waiting a while and it will kind of negate the reason you were going to have a check up in the first place.

Good luck. That first step is the doozy.

Quote from: alienogkitty on July 26, 2015, 12:51:23 AM
If you guys think honesty is okay, I guess I'll be honest.

I personally have no problems lying to doctors and have done it a number of times, so when I say tell the truth I'm talking from practical rather than moral standpoint. You'd be hard pressed to come up with a better story and if the doctor notices something's not right with your story you're likely to create more problems. Why take the risk when you've got such a good story already?

I'm not advocating lying to doctors in general; you take you life in your hands when you do that. I have my reasons and accept the responsibility.

Quote from: alienogkitty on July 26, 2015, 12:57:37 AM
No I don't. I haven't seen one regularly yet, and I've just done a couple sessions. A lot of this has been self discovery and thought because I know that nobody can feel what I feel specifically, and so I don't see the point in spending a lot of time with a therapist.

I found it really helpful talking with a therapist. Its not because they understand, but because I get to talk and explore my feelings without any judgement. I'm pretty sure my psych doesn't truly understand (how could he), although he hides it incredibly well. Its worth trying. You never know, you might like it.

I'll not comment on your flushing the hormones except it may be a sign that you are uncertain of how you feel.

I was much the same, yes I knew I was trans*, I knew I was female, I knew me. But knowing yourself and gaining the resolve to be you is two different things. My therapist was, and is an expert in the area, he never judged or told me I was trans*, but he allowed something special, he allowed me to explore my feelings, my fears, my 'I can't do this I'll losing everything" thoughts.

He didn't influence me, but he made damn sure I knew what I was going into and how to handle it.

I also recall his words to me years later over a coffee, I asked him when he knew I was trans*, his reply "When you walked into my office, there was no other reason for you to be there, you just needed a way to accept it"

Firstly, a big warm welcome to Susan's alienogkitty

I think most have covered and there's great input...

My take;
1) be honest with your Dr
2) it seems to me that maybe there's a little doubt is this because of your partners injections or because you feel apprehensive over doing something that's not really reversible?

Honestly, maybe you need some self understanding... generally speaking, most of us have a confirmed desire to transition, held back for other reasons or not... If there are doubts in your mind then don't go on HRT, or postpone until you are certain. If you are not sure, you could discuss maybe just reducing your T levels a bit, but in either case E and T generally need to balance...

As far as wishing a magic wand could be waved and the order of your world was changed, yeah I been there and done that praying and wishing for half my life.... I always knew what was right, just was all at the wrong time then and since... but sooner or later, it grabs you tightly and you have nowhere to go anymore... my advice is be honest with yourself... consequentially its harder to undo everything later than sooner, whether its transition or starting and changing your mind... be sure up front, the world is more open today than it was when I grew into an adult and beyond!

Hope this helps a little, anyways good luck with your desired journey, regardless, and look forward to seeing you about the forum's

L Katy 

I agree with everyone else, you need to tell your doc and a therapist you flushed them. You and they need to be 100% sure this is in your best interests.

Welcome to Susan's Place. Many of us go through a period of extreme emotional swings at some point early in our transition and it often makes us want to back out of what we have started. Mostly it is feared of the unknown. My period almost stopped me from continuing therapy with the group that made my transition possible. I spend a week after the first meeting trying to decide if I wanted to go to the second meeting. I was able to deal with enough of my fear that I made the second meeting and almost every meeting after that.
You will be tossed around in the fear for 3 or 4 weeks while you make up your mind what to do. If you still feel this fear griping you, talk to your therapist and overcome it. Not dealing with it will only slow or stop your forward movement and you will have to face it again in the future so do it now.
Having this fear doesn't say you are not transexual. More it says you have a strong transexual drive but the patterns of you life up to now are holding you back. You need to resolve this conflict and when you do, you will be one step closer to your goal.