Warning - I wrote a novel.
I've been on T over a year now. It does grow as others have said. I agree with you that with the technology now, it's a bit sad that you might lose sensations, but not all. They are getting better and better each year and you can be assured that one day it will probably be just as functional. I've heh looked up a website with FTM post-bottom surgeries and it really does look like the real deal. You will be able to penetrate someday. Even if the testes is just for asthetics right now, you'll still feel the orgasm and who ever you are with (if you plan to stay stealth) you can just say you had a birth defect that made you sterile. Though, honesty is better. Either way, take a deep breath and calm down.
I remember years ago before even know what transgender was, I did cry and cry wishing I was born male. I played online games too where I was known as a male and even has a few little relationships. It sort of made it worse and I realized it wasn't worth torturing myself to even initiate anything. I did go through a grieving process wishing I could carry through what I was saying to them.. er well... to be blunt... cybering with ciswomen. They honestly couldn't tell I was pretending. Because honestly I wasn't. But inside it sort've hurt more that I had to go to such lengths to feel natural. It helped me escape temporarily. Until I had to look down and go, "oh yea I'm in this body." Blah. I remembering being purely miserable. Thinking that there was no other way. That I'd waste my life away but never actually experiencing!
But it was my own adoptive mother that watched tv more than I who figured out what the term was. She really lit the path for me. I know not very many folk get a parent like that. My saving grace. I finally had at least some sort of hope. I originally started my journey out thinking that I was doing it for others so I would stop being called the hated "she, her" pronouns. Over time I've learned it's really about my happiness and knowing that some thoughts are only going to be toxic. I am still just beginning my own journey, but I've noticed my own thoughts are transitioning along with my body. Mourning is the start of the natural process of reaching your own acceptance. But it's up to you to reach that. It is not hopeless.
As a personal experience though even with the low amount of T I get and it's grown 2 inches so far, lol. I can honestly say you really can simulate how it would feel. The "hood" grows as well and is pretty much like a foreskin to be honest. And actually because of the growth it's more sensitive. The mini D has actually more sensitivity than a cismale D as far as I've heard. I know that is a little bit different than intercourse itself. You will know how it feels to use one. You kind've already do, it's just lined up a little differently. You maybe won't be able to ejaculate semen, but I would image with the surgery, the fluid has to go thru the hole, right? Along with that... sex is not just about bumping parts together. Emotions are a bigger player than maybe you realize? I dunno. It might take time for you to gradully accept yourself. One day you will.
I've never told anyone this but I have huge mental blocks still. I get annoyed when my sex drive is getting stronger, but it feels wrong to carry through. Because it doesn't feel right. It doesn't look right. I can't stand to look. I don't look forward to even needing to take a piss knowing I have to be reminded.
Even worse, my neighbor actually tried to proposition me for sex even though I told him I want to be seen as a male, and treated that way. But he went ahead and said "I respect your view and all but I still see you have the female parts." Very contradictive, huh? When I came back inside I turned into a deer in headlights. I had a literally fit. I cried, I puked, I never had my dysphoria hit me so physically. I had an abusive childhood that contributes to that, too. I panicked.
I won't go into anymore detail, but yea. Sometimes life likes to slap you in the face. Life in nightmare mode. I was finally feeling some inner peace and acceptance. Or so I thought. Just look how easy it was to knock my inner peace over. Was I running away and just putting on a positive mask to not look and see my situation?
I even go as far to think I wish we were never even born with genitals and were all neutral. That things feel so wrong that the majority of the population thinks in binaries still. Still in the dark ages of thinking. I sort've feel that is why we exist and go through this life journey to show the whole world how wrong they are. It's all in your head. Only your perception can be the rope that gets you out of the hole, or you can just sit in the dark and whine that it's all over. Or you can look for a way out. No matter how many of us tell you our opinions and points of view, you gotta be the one to grab the rope. I wish I had the ability to take everyone's pain away and throw out a spell that gives everyone what they wish so they can finally feel that happiness and love they seek. But... here we are.
You can't run away from it. It's hard to deal with at times. I had some very dark thoughts (not suicidal, but homicidal lol but I never could carry through I became so hateful, spiteful). It's a horrible feeling, being in a dark place, dark thoughts, feeling sick of it. Wanting a way to make it stop. All you can do is calm down, regain some mindfulness and realize it's not your fault. You can't always change how others think and see you. That is their problem, not yourself. It's only your problem when you can be affected by it. It only means you have to deal with it. It's not the easiest life path. It may be difficult, but don't get swept away with these emotions. Let yourself mourn, but keep moving forward.
I don't know the full details of surgery itself as it's been an oddly difficult thing to research due to it feeling like "just window shopping" ya know? What's the point in looking if I don't got the money for it yet. With Medicaid starting to accept sex change operations (I'm told normally it starts on the coasts and eventually the inner states will follow suit) it's really going to so much easier for many folks who've been put on disability because of the depression and anxiety that normally accompanies dysphoria. It makes a hell of a lot more sense and would cost less money to allow surgeries than say... 30 years of counseling put together. No?
Another thing to think about; they are on the new horizon of growing organs, yes? Growing hearts, livers, etc. It is not very farfetched to think that even one day testicles could be grown. Heck, I know we are still years from this technology. But NOTHING is impossible. I know it's very hard to be patient but that is all you can assure yourself with. Trust me. I wish I could just blink and it'd be all said and done and move on. It's true though with all the pain and years, inner growth comes part of it. That strength is your ally. You are your own friend. It might feel difficult right now, but this journey itself will make you so much stronger. It might be hard to think that years from now, you'll be able to look back at where you were and say those were tough times, but I survived it. Your story is happening now. Stay in the moment. Be in the moment.
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TL;DR version: But this topic itself is a deep one. I truly feel you. I hope you can reach a new level of acceptance.
I literally edited this topic over 20 times to make sure I was thorough. Screw the typos, Geesh! Sorry for the personal rant. I er hope it can be helpful at least. I'm an aspie, too. Tend to rant. Oops.
