Hi all , I am Vincence , 19 years old , living in Belgium , Europe and I am a transsexual woman.
I know that I am transsexual since the age of 15.
I have always felt like a woman . I have always been a woman for my feeling. My earliest memories of gender incongruence go back to my childhood . At age 8 I was punished by my mother and father for having bought a little statue of a horse ( a merry ) ornated with flowers ,... At age 4 I wore my cousin her clothes and I remember my mother being furious for it , even though I didn't know why at that time. However , I have not experienced my childhood as a little boy who really got remarked by everyone for being girly. I knew that I couldn't show my womanhood of so I always tried to keep myself out of the lime light.
My puberty was the start of a horrible period with all the body changes,... I , however , never dare to say anything about it to my parents because I knew how they thought about not being able to answer to the stereotipal image they had about being male or female . My parents are both very religious and aware of the high morality that lives in society concerning everything that differs slightly from the modal examples. So , even if I told them , I shouldn't have expected a lot of support from them .
At the age of 13-14 my femininity took on even stronger proportions. I remember being on holiday in Turkey with my uncle and aunt and one evening when we were having fun I walked around with my aunt her stilletos in the hotel room and she told me that not even she and many other women neither could walk in this elegant way as I did on those stilletos . To me it wasn't a joke , however , it was just my natural expression of my true and inner self. I never crossdressed before because crossdressing wasn't my cup of tea , it wasn't appealing to me and just too fake to express my authentic self . I wanted more than just half an hour in woman's clothes wearing make-up and high heels !
At the age of 15 I started reading articles about gender identity dysphoria and watching television programs about it . This was when I realized what was going on with me . All I can think about is having hormone therapy and GRS , ever since . I seek and read testimonials of other transsexuals every single day . Without missing out for one day . I came at this point where transsexuality consumes all of my energy and doesn't leave a single piece of energy for something else .
I had a depression , a severe depression , two times , over the last 2,5 years . A depression being in immediate accordance with my gender identity dysphoria / transsexuality . I just went on antidepressants twice because I was scared of the fact that when I would tell my psychiatrist she would pass it on to my parents . So , once again , I just shut my mouth . For my own safety . Last summer May-August everything changed quite a bit . I didn't hide my femininity anymore . I just had this " <not allowed> it , I am who I am and I want to be my happy inner self " attitude. My mother started noticing and picking on me for acting " effeminate". But hell , I didn't care . Then after a while she made remarks about it " are you gay ? Stop acting ->-bleeped-<-gy ,..." to which I responded " I'm not gay , think further " ... After a while we stopped playing hide and seek and she asked me if I was transsexual to which I responded yes / confirmed. She was embarassed , not supportive at all , told me how not normal I was ,... I just didn't care for her idiot remarks , I was happy that I finally told her how I had been feeling for all those years . I started rebelling against going to the hair dresser for a hair cut , started growing longer hair day by day and hell yeah , I love it .
I am that serious about my transition that I finally started looking into how I could increase the amounts of estrogen in my body and how to deminish the amounts of testosterone . I then came across a lot of advice about phytoestrogens and herbal supplements , first seriously considered it and then realized that I was just lieing to myself that those few herbs could replace a whole hormonal regimen used by endocrinologists ,... so left the idea for what it was worthed and started seeking for regular hormone therapy treatments , which I first didn't dare to look into because of the possible risks .
However , with my young age and my body being quite feminin , I think estrogen alone will potentially have enough efficacy to help me develop my own breasts ( small ) , longer hair , a softer skin , longer nails and another fat distribution . I am quite sure my testosterone levels are quite low as I barely have any muscle masses and my belly and hips are both very feminin in shape . My face still looks a bit childish , I have a very feminin and soft voice ( which I think also is an indication of my testosterone levels being low ) so the estrogen alone should be able to feminize me enough so that I look at least more androgynous . I also believe that estrogen alone on the long term could affect the testosterone levels. I plan to keep an eye on my eating habits in order not to consume too much " estrogen killers " so that I give the absorbed estrogen utmost chances to do their work .
I do not plan to start living as a woman full time yet . The plan is to just feminize a bit with the hormones in order to feel better in my skin . When I feminized enough ( let's say in a year ) I plan to start fully living as a woman and to anounce my transition to my parents . I would love to have my gender reassignment surgery done by doctor Chettawut in Thailand in 2 years . I plan to seek a side job beside mystudies to be able to afford it. I read that doctor Chettawut charges 7500$ for GRS ( non - penile ) and another 1500$ for rhinoplasty ( which has bigger value concerning passability to me ) . GRS is not THE operation to me . I want to undergo GRS because I don't feel any connection with my penis anyway but to me it won't make me more of a woman . It will just facilitate my life in both the legal situation ( here in Belgium SRS / GRS is still a necessity to obtain new documents ) and my sex life ( as I am only and always on the receiving end ) . It will also slightly facilitate finding a partner ( man ) . Concerning partners , I am attracted to alpha males but only straight guys , I don't know why but my brains refuses me to date bisexual guys . At this moment too many guys , if not all , are interested in that appendage I have down there and to me my appendage doesn't belong there and isn't a part of me anyway . It is like a maligne tumor down there that I don't want to have . So , the sooner it's being taken care of the better .
Doctor Chettawut requires you to have 2 recommendation letters but I read on his website that you can also get them provided by two local Thai psychiatrists once arrived in Bangkok . Anyway , I need to do my best with saving so that I can have my GRS done by doctor Chettawut in two years . But as I mentioned earlier , GRS isn't what will make me a woman , cause I already am . GRS will just be a completion of my entire transition .
The hormone therapy is a lot more important to me than SRS . Because it's the hormone therapy that makes you pass ( or not ) and not GRS . Concerning my clothing choice I will also be making a transition I feel I am ready for : I will now be wearing unisex clothing instead of my guys clothes . This , in combination with hormones and my daily shaving ritual ( everywhere ) will hopefully make a huge difference in my appearence already . I feel that I am ready to take these steps and the risks they involve ( homelessness due to rejection of my transition by my parents - blood cloths due to HRT - violence if my parents really couldn't accept my feminization ,... ) .
Gender centra here in Belgium require you to wait six long months for a first intake session and another six long months to a year before you can finally start HRT and the Real Life Experience . That would mean that I would have to wait 1 year to 1,5 years before being able to start hormone therapy . I have the feeling that I am still in puberty ( late puberty ) and thus my body is still making changes . If I don't handle now , I will develop some more irreversible male characteristics which I obviously don't want .
The fact that I am going to university in October 2016 plays a small role too in the whole process . It's easier when you already made steps towards your transition on forehandthan when you suddenly still have to commence everything . Both for you and your environment I think.
As for making contact with other transwomen , I would love to make contact with women who recognize themselves in my story , have the same age as me , or had the same age as me when they transitioned .
I once tried to make contact with some trans women but those were transwomen ( transwomen ) a.k.a transwomen who were well functioning males in their previous lives till they transitioned to female at moderate age in life due to their love for a female body ( rather than truly being a woman at heart ) . The contact didn't go well and I figured I feel a better connection with M2F transkids ( transwomen who already faced huge gender dysphoria in their youth ) .
I hope that I will meet some wonderful people here at Susan's and that I both will be able to give and receive support / advice .
I would love to hear the stories / experiences from other transwomen who recognize my situation , both pre and post - op women . So , feel free to comment . It would be greatly appreciated. Especially now , because next week my hormones arrive and I will probably become a bit more emotional quite soon , so some support never hurts :-)
Hugs ,
Vincence
Xxx
<Post modified. Dosages removed etc> Mention of ->-bleeped-<- removed.
