I have been coming out for almost six months and as I said in an earlier post that I do not plan to lurk around in a stealth mode. I have been waiting for a representative from my brotherhood of men with whom I have been an active member. Its a conservative group of exceptionally rich, arrogant, bigoted and morally corrupt powerful men. They feel that they can manipiulate politicans and lawmakers and see women as second class citizens. Sadly, I was one of them. So it finally happened and I had this text from AC to meet at the golf club.

Started off with his christian faith and then going on to say that I am still acceptable to the brotherhood so long as I do not fully change. If I do not fully change and just dress androgeneously it would be ok and they would see it as my sacrifice to them as their brother...I told him that I have not associated myself with them for almost 3 years and that I will continue on my journey. I warned that the laws protect me from discrimination and I and added a veiled threat that should I hear they are dissing me in public that I know all their deep dark secrets .

Then came the issue of my future use of ladies restrooms and changing facilities and their wives would be embarrased. This had been brought up earlier by the current lady champion (an ex girlfriend) and the next Captain. I told them that I will be legally a female and that unlike a prior TG whom they bullied to use a private changing room I warned them that I would not tolerate any discrimination and would be using any facilities offered to females.

I'm trying to be nice but they are such bigots and ass *#@, and I can barely keep my temper under control. Just to get them more angst I also said that I had spoken with a movie director and will make a documentary about my life and goals. No hiding for me.

I feel there's something I need say, but I can't work out what it is. Anyway, you're leading an "interesting" life, and I do hope you're safe.

Thank you, good point about safety and I have thought about it. I'm a big name in my city, and I'm the topic of the week. My family is powerful. My brother came out as gay in 1980 and was headline news, we are used to publicity. In my day I was probably one of the ones thay feared as a male - they believe I cannot change, typical for men with power. They do me no harm and I dont harm them.

Hi Warlockmaker, I can't stop thinking about what you've been writing. I find it a bit disturbing, perhaps because it touches a bit on some of how I feel. I may be misinterpreting it, but you sound like you've been living the wrong life, and I don't mean male vs female.

Speaking for myself a moment, I've been slowly discovering a better person hidden away inside, and I like the new me a lot. At the same time there's elements of my personality that I don't approve of that are still there. I've always known some of what I do is wrong, but I'd do it anyway. Now I'm beginning to wonder why.

It's a slow process of evolution, (especially slow in my case), and I've not yet finished discovering myself. I'm quite introspective so I tend to think about it a lot. I wish I could step over the bits in the middle. Again this is nothing to do with gender and transition, except that its allowing me to change. Life was much easier before I realized I was transgender, but for all the difficulty and suffering its caused me I'm fortunate that I did. The thought of living the rest of my life without knowing my true self is fairly appalling.

So I may be wrong, but I've a feeling I'm hearing the same from you. I also have the impression that you're in the middle and still have some of the old you mixed in with the new. I find the new you a lot more interesting than the old one and hope you can progress more quickly than I have. I'm sure there's more to come.

No hiding for you? You go, you get my backing.

These guys sound like awful people. I'd hate to associate with people like that.

Hi Anony. I was the typical Alpha male in a major financial city where businessmen are ruthless, without empathy and tough. Where women were toys and every married man had girlfriends. I grew into that role and maybe I'm pink washing this but I think I needed to be more macho, tougher and more ruthless. I needed to prove I was a man. Its been a difficult pill to swallow and when I first started on HRT i felt so much sadness at what I was. I am ever so happy that the old me is mostly gone. I'm much older than most and some of those traits will linger on and evolve. But I am a much better person today and even a better person tomorrow.

Yes my late partner Alison was a Royal Arch mason for many years prior to her transition - so I have some notion of some of the issues. She, in my view, wisely stood down, and at least in public, adopted an attitude of dignified silence which I'm happy to say her former brothers seemed to respect. Of course she told me many things, but by extension I consider myself bound to respect her oath, and so, beyond acknowledgement that this was an important part of her life, which probably helped her to her decision in ways that her lodge could not have anticipated, I shall not be spilling any details either.

It's been several years since I last attended lodge, I am/was a blue lodge master Mason.

I haven't told my former lodge about my transition, I know many of my brothers are also members of gender inclusive lodges and should I wish to return to masonry those lodges are an option for me.
I'm not sure how it is elsewhere in the world but Australian masonry seems very liberal and open minded. One of my brothers was a transman and happy to talk about it and his perspective of how his transition affected his views of the craft.
I hope your former brothers can look to the Masonic teachings and see that acceptance and understanding are virtues to be prized by any Mason.

Hugs (and funny handshakes),
Sarah

When I read this last night I was puzzled why you would want to be associated with these guys if they are as you described. Now after a nights sleep it's beginning to make a bit more sense.

It seems to me that you are having difficulty separating the way that the old you had to live to survive and prosper from your new life - it's hard to turn off the old ways and the old thinking and the old inclinations now that you are away from that environment.

And I suspect that some of the things that were accessible to you in that position were enjoyable, and you made lots of money and maybe some friends in that group of men. There was respect there for you. You had power and prestige.

But of course it was all a facade. That wasn't the authentic you. You played a very good role and you fooled everyone.

I think that only you can answer your question. As such - what does the authentic, new you want to be? Like the old you? Like those guys? Or maybe its time to find a new way thats true to yourself and reflects the values of the new you?

It is a sobering moment in our transitions when we realize that we've crossed a bridge and the old life we used to live is gone - even Caitlyn Jenner is struggling with this issue, dithering over whether to sign some papers for her country club as Bruce or as Caitlyn because her guy pals there knew her as Bruce.

There were certainly a few very enjoyable things about my old life that I miss from time to time but I can't go back there now. I've grieved for "him" and now i've mostly accepted the changes and have moved on. With the changes in ourselves comes the changes in the way we live. Its part of discovering who we really are.

Thanks Eva. Yes you are right on so many counts. Yes, I was a star amongst them. I always knew what they were but before I accepted was tg I fought with much prejudice against what I subconsciously feared that I may be. I'm ashamed of that now. But I know how power men think and have greatly upset their ivory tower.
My family has some very powerful alpha females and they have all reached out to me. But in Asia the men and women even sit seperatly at their own table for social functions. It's been facinating to shift my power base.

I've made my fortune with them and I don't need any more from them. They see it as a betrayal. I will evolve.

Thank you for your perspective it was most interesting.

Warlockmaker, I've been thinking about this since you posted it and not quite sure what to say, so I'll just try and get something out.

I'm stuck in the middle right now and have a lot of male behavior and feeling. It appears to be very difficult for me to make any internal transition while I'm not socially transitioning, and I feel like I may be missing out. Its not just the social transition, but I have certain aggressive ways of dealing with things (for example), and the life I'm embedded within keeps reinforcing it all. I sometimes wonder how I would have turned out if I'd been born female, or transitioned much younger, and grew up in a female role. I think I need to get out of my current life to find myself, and that's not going to happen.

Back to you though. If your life were a movie, this would be the point where you'd go off to the mountain top to contemplate life for a year or two and find yourself. But instead you're getting right back into your old life. I'm not saying you should hide away, because you shouldn't, but are you able to find yourself doing this? You can do whatever you want, and perhaps there's a better way. I thinking get away from people you know, people who know you and your family, people who care about business and money, all of that baggage. Just be nobody, be yourself, and see where it goes? Then go back to it all.

Warlockmaker, you are my heroine.  I've played most of my golf at city owned dog tracks where "rough" means the city workers forgot to lower the blades on the mowers, but I've been invited to play at a few "green grass" clubs in my day and I know too well how things work at those places. 

I am sure you have access to lots of high powered legal talent, and frankly I would love to see a "white shoe" country club get sued for discrimination.

Please keep us all posted on this and let us know how things work out.

Very interesting views just when I though this thread had passsed into history. Ms Anony,we are transitioning at a later stage in life and have lived a full life as a male. I read even before this journey began that its more difficult for us because of this. We are all different but I was a very successful male, I chose Warlockmaker because I made so many different macho male images of myself and each was a success beyond imagination. Yes, I did think of disappearing into the mountains, but chose instead to move to Bangkok for a year. Not quite the bhuddist mountain retreat but a place to just not be surrounded by questions. My news spreading has suprised me, with an explosion on the gossip highway, and despite being prepared some subtle responses still get to me. I accept now that many of the male learned and developed behavior will stay with me in my inventory and I can use it when needed. For exemple I had a huge reputation as a businessman that would sue in the courts to get me way, also I was know to be very agressive in my approach. Thus, the community has been very politically correct, they don't realize that the old personna has become somewhat frail. I am proud of my achievements and have come to accept that he was quite a male but I'm also appalled and saddened by his lack of empathy and tolerence of others.  This sadly is what defines the men I associated with.

And Carly, there has been a major lawsuit at our golf club some 9 years ago when a TG post-op was asked to use a private room instead of the Ladies changing room. She was a pioneer and the ladies bullied her. She sued and they had a sealed settlement. It was for a considerable sum and today she uses all the female facilities. I will not tolerate any discriminationand I'm discovering that I am becoming TG advocate.

I've a lot of useful male behavior, but I'm concerned that by continually using it I'll limit my exploration and growth. I'm so constantly reminded of male behavior that it hard to see the female. As you say its part of the inventory, but having to use it is the problem. I'm working on trying to escape it all, which means I have to use it even more. Oh well...

Anony, each time I draw on this male inventory it upsets me and I try to limit calling on him. I have no TG friends here and all my friends are cis females, the male dont feel comfortable with me in a group. I always communicated easily with females my whole life, and now I know why. With them, I can allow the reborn me to emerge. I'm ever so happy but these past few weeks since it hit the gossip mongers has been tough. Just got a call from the partner of a major lawfirm, I have know him for 37 years, and his support has been incredible. Offered his services, on issues of discrimination, on a pro bono basis - free.....

I shared similar feelings and possibly a similar situation to warlockmaker. My male persona was so well known and so upfront that it was a challenge, I think to accept a loss of that position. I also realise that AnonyMs, I and warlockmaker had/have to face similar life choices. I realised that there was no room for my male past and so I embraced my femininity and ran with it.

It is now interesting for me (and I realise it will be interesting in a few weeks, sorry to be cryptic!) to see how the choices we made pan out. As far as high society, yes I am not included in the previous male side of that life; I am at best, ignored. I am accepted by my fellow females at that level, they have had no issues. However at such functions I am partnered with a powerful man in society, they cannot and will not insult him; therefore that have to accept me. It creates an interesting dynamic.

I also, as warlockmaker has done, lawyered up. In my case when people realised that we were willing to throw a lot into legal fees and have a star pro bono lawyer, people tend to get cautious on what they say or print. There are more ways to ruin a person than taking them to court; skeletons abound in hidden cupboards. My skeletons are public. Theirs are not.

Cindy, I wonder how many of us are in that position and dare to be who we are openly. I always read that there is a shortage of us to can dare to come out publicly - now I know why its the subtle undertones of intolerance that I feel everywhere. Its been overwhealming at times but because I can make a difference so I must do it to give back to the community and make them aware.  A close friend said " how can you go and play golf at the club with all those intolerent men and older women" . Simple, because of their intolerence I HAVE to go and play, in peak hours, to show that I'm ok with who I am and I will not bow to their condensending looks. After all I was once MENS Champion...what a blow to their egos.

There has been, as you know, a concept of altruism among the elite. They (we) soothe their conscious with donations to charity and of course suitable tax write offs.

I think I came to a point when I came out that supporting the community financially was important but not the statement I needed to make. You and I can put money into projects that help the majority, and we do.  We know this site is kept going by benevolence from many, and from a few who have deeper pockets. I ran and still do support my charity for trans people, I do so anonymously but that is not enough, I have to change opinion.

We do not change opinion by hiding. We change opinion by people as such as you and I go public. I'm not a pretty girl who is a movie star; who men may lech over and fantasise about.

I'm a successful business woman. I'm a Pathologist. I'm well paid. I'm transgender. By standing up as me I hope to shake the conservative tree. When the 1% accept me as being powerful, normal and maybe as a threat to themselves, I will then cause change for my brothers and sisters.

I refuse to be pitied or ignored because I am transgender. I can make as much as a transwoman as I could as an alpha male. I would just adjust my strategy

I would walk out and play golf on St Andrews. But I don't like golf!

Funny, I remember when I was a state graded squash player in the male league that we had female state and international champions playing against men. They often beat the guys and the comments in the bar after were disgusting.

Why?

Alpha males resent being beaten by other alphas. Being beaten by a female!  It is death to their iD.

Interesting conversation.