Trigger Warning

This January will mark two years since I took out a life insurance policy. Meaning that the "suicide clause" or so its called will no longer be valid and the benefits will be awarded even if I take my own life, which I plan to do next month.

This isn't some rash, emotional, spur-of-the moment decision. This is something that I have carefully considered and planned for a long time now. I know I'm selfish and that I'm a coward, but I've accepted that. I never had the courage or strength to be my true self, but for years I thought I could stay in the closet and still be happy, maybe not even happy, but at least content enough to function and live a normal life. I was wrong.

I have already made my decision on this matter, but what I'm still undecided on is whether or not I want to come out to my family. I have been contemplating whether or not to leave a letter explaining that I'm trans, and why exactly I decided to take my life. Part of me feels like they deserve to know the truth, but I also don't want to drop another bombshell on them in addition to the grief my death will cause. Now obviously I'd be dead, so I wouldn't face any consequences from outing myself, but I feel that it would make it worse for them to discover that so much of what they thought they knew about their child was a lie.

I think you really need to go to a hospital and tell them what your telling us.

Please seek help, suicide is never the answer.   

Rachel,

Where there's life, there's hope.  I'm guessing you're in your early 20's. Dang, I wish I wash that young now in this culture where so much more is understood and so much more help available instead of being 60. But I still have hope to be able to transition - and you should too. At your age transition would be so much more effective.

Please call Trans Lifeline 877-565-8860. It's run by trans-people for trans-people.

Know that here at Susan's we care about you. Get the help you need and stay with us.

Hugs,

Traci

Having myself once been at the point of taking my life - suicide note written and knife poised in hand - I realised that there had to be a better way. And of course there was. And so there is for you too, you just can't see it because your too deep in your own upset. Please contact a hospital and tell them that you are planning self harm and would like help. Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem, you may believe you have nothing to live for but you would be wrong.

You don't know me and I have only been on Susan's for about 6 months but I am a future that almost wasn't. Spring of 1974 I stood in the bathroom of my parents house with a razor blade in my hand and the depression had built to the point that life wasn't worth living. I was inches away from from ending my life when the thought crossed my mind that there was a possible solution that I hadn't tried. I decided that if medicine couldn't help me, I could always come back and finish the job. I put the razor blade down and started making plans to come out. The transition wasn't easy in those days and I went through 3 therapist, moved 400 miles from home spending 8 years in the process before I received surgery in July of 1982. In my new role as a woman I have never regretted the decision for treatment and even through the worst of times that I have faced, the depression I faced never returned. Most of the time I am happy to be alive and there is joy in most everything I do.

Yes you should tell the family and you should tell them you have been in pain for years and treatment is the only way you will get better. It will be hard work and there will be set backs but like me, there is a new life waiting for you if you are willing to seek it. We will do everything we can to get you the care you need but there is a far better option than the one you are considering and help could be much closer than you think.

Accept our offer of help and there could be a new life waiting for you.

This thread offers you to explore options other than the one you are considering. Feel free to ask me any questions about me and you will not offend me. You have only been on the board a few hours, not nearly long enough to explore even a small fraction of the board. There is much to consider and much you don't know but we are here to help you with that. Don't worry about being off topic, just ask a question or tell us more about yourself.

Rachel,

Please listen to Dena's story - she has found a way to live again, you can too.

Hugs and prayers your way!

Love,
Denali

focus on the joy that dressing and feeling fem does for you. just the pleasure. When your gone that pleasure is gone, and all those that loved you and cared for you will be heartbroken, because NOTHING you could do is worth killing your self over.
Please take the advice of everyone above and keep on living. Life is too amazing to end before its time.
Merry Christmas
Bobbi

Big hug! Please don't catch that train. We need you around. You know, the best way to feel better is to help someone else. Why don't you commit yourself to helping others instead of doing what you have planned?

Hugs, Devlyn

Rachel, it is not fair to your family, who most likely never recover from your death. They will anguish with where they failed. How come they did not see it coming? Why did my child do this? Every missed holiday, birthday and special occasion will be sad. Insurance money is a poor replacement for you.

No way out. You can not possibly do what you need to do to be free of the torment. It is too much to think about and it hurts. It hurts every day, every hour of the day and every minute of every hour.

You can see a gender therapist and if you decide go on HRT. Give yourself a chance to accept who you are. A beautiful woman that wants to be yourself. If you can take your life you can give yourself life, a new life. Give yourself a chance. It takes time for HRT to make physical changes. Time you can learn to love who you are becoming. Time to figure out your future. Time to plan your transition. Transition is slow and takes patience and time.

I can not promise you an easy path. Give yourself a chance to be happy. Give your family a chance to accept you. You will be surprise how many people that will support you.

Rachel

Please talk to someone.

I've been there. It's intense, but please talk to someone. Anyone. I was there. In May. Had the plan and everything.  You don't know me. I don't know you, but if you need to PM me, do it. Even if you have to sleep on it. There's some great advice here.

Please hang in there....

Please talk to someone and know that everyone here loves you including myself.

This book has been really helpful for me in the past and in the present.

https://dl.dropboxusercontent.com/u/55233845/Kate%20Bornstein%20-%20Hello_Cruel_World.pdf

Rachel I really hope you read these post. Believe me it hurts bad, everyone here has been there. I was there a month ago myself, while doing the dishes at home alone I reached for a knife and thought how easy it would be to finally be rid of the hurt, but some voice in my head told me  as long as you draw breath there is hope for a new day. Since then I have started seeing a therapist and making plans for the future. That's the important part the future always keep that in focus. I also try to stop by Susan's place here and read the stories from others going through what I'm going through, that helps me to remember I am not alone. You are a unique person please don't let that uniqueness disappear from the world, It would be sorely missed.

I had set a date, last June, was ready to go. Had decided two months in advance how to do it, what I was going to spend my last week doing, wrote a note, made arrangements for my things, had it all worked out. And then something unexpected happened. My life got better. Would I say that the thought hasn't crossed my mind since? No, because it has. But I remember that when I was at the absolute lowest point of my existence thus far, things did get better. And I found out that I wasn't alone.

I had a date with the grim reaper last week and I kicked him in the nuts. I made my appointment and said this is it I'm done I can't take this crap anymore! The pain got too much and I drank poison. I wanted too die I wanted to end the pain and I thought I would do everyone a favour by doing this thing. I went to the hospital and they pulled me through.

I sat there while I was recovering and I started taking stock of my life. I have a two year old daughter a wife that wants to divorce me. A family that is accepting of me being trans but not happy with it. But then I realised what my death would have done to them. My father gave me a hug and told me he would rather have me as a daughter than put flowers on the grave of his son.

You are going to make your pain their pain. What bothers me is you did not even come out to them yet you are only basing your current plans on assumptions.What if they are really accepting and you ended up killing yourself before they could have gotten to know you and help you. Imagine the grief and pain that you are leaving behind then.

I don't know if you are seeing a therapist but I would strongly recommend one.They will guide you through the process of coming out to family.

Please don't do something stupid.

Hugs love and stay strong

If someone did a poll on transgender and suicide,they would find out 99% of us have contemplated suicide. I was there also and realized it wouldn't be fair to the trucker if I went through with it, I was gonna pull a jax from sons of anarchy and go head on into a 18 wheeler, I was 17,now I'm 50 and for 33yrs I've found life is for living not dying. Being transgender is not the end but the beginning of a new chapter in life but you have too take control instead of letting it control you.

Don't do it pwease we all love you and we all have our problems maybe one of us can help you?

Sent from my Fire Phone using Tapatalk

I appreciate your concern but quite frankly my decision is set in stone at this point.

Transition is not a realistic option for me. I'm afraid I would only be solving one problem and gaining a bunch of new ones. I would lose everything. Family, friends, employment, financial security, my hopes and dreams for the future. Everything. I'm not mentally strong enough to endure that.

I have come to the realization over the years that I could never be happy as I am now, but I also know I would not want to live a life of loneliness, extreme poverty, and fear of violent discrimination every day.

Like I said before, what I am still undecided on is whether or not to out myself to my family post-mortem. Discovering that I was trans in addition to my death would probably make their grief even worse, but I also don't want them to have to wonder for the rest of their lives why I made the decision that I did. I suppose I could come up with a fake reason for my suicide like general depression, but even that would be a shock to them because as far as they know I've always been normal and happy.

I just don't want to hurt my family any more than necessary. I really wish I could make my death look like an accident.

I guess I could also word the question this way: If you were in the closet, and learned that you only had a month to live, would you come out? Would you want your loved ones to know the real you, or to ultimately remember you as they always had?

I'm not going to answer whether or not you should tell your family anything. If you don't tell them, they will wonder what happened for the rest of their lives and forever live with the grief of wondering if there was something they could have done. If you do tell them they will wonder why you didn't at least try to come out to them in your lifetime and forever live with the grief of wondering if there was something they could have done.

If your main concern is your family, the last thing you should be doing is contemplating suicide.