At this stage all seems dark in my life my wife got her divorce papers today and she is on her way to file them. She is not even giving me and my child a fighting chance.  I know I should get over this but I never in my life was so torn apart about something.

I am really struggling in accepting this and the reality that is forced upon me. I am kicking and screaming crying like there is no tomorrow and life is just grabbing me by the legs dragging me along. My mind is starting to play games on me and tell me suicide no one will know if you drive your car of the bridge. But I know the devastating effect of this action I was there before and this is not an option for me. All that I can do is scream and cry and sit frustrated as the world around me is falling into pieces.

I am in a very dark place in my mind I know what I have to do from this moment and that is taking my life back. I must transition then this is setting myself free from all the limitations that I have experienced all my life. But it feels if my heart is in a vice and someone is turning it tighter and tighter until it is on the point of just exploding into a million pieces. I know a lot say it gets better but I can't see that right now. I can't see how waking up tomorrow and dressing full female is going to lessen this vice on my heart. This pain can't be mended by anything because a marriage can't be replaced that person that you love can't be replaced. She is gone forever.

I decided to turn to the internet then and searched for inspiring stories. Like this one

http://www.mirror.co.uk/news/world-news/incredible-transformation-transgender-marine-hairy-6666386

I know this can be me, I know I am going to be passible my looks is not an obstacle for me. My own heart is my obstacle!!!! I hate my heart why can't I just stop loving this woman that caused me so much pain. 

As I am sitting on the floor and my heart racing and I am bordering on anxiety attach level. My head is constantly jumping into the past thinking about everything we had. She is blaming me for everything we lost and I destroyed everything according to her. I am thinking about today when she told me she feels nothing for me anymore and this tore my whole being apart. I stopped next to the road sobbing as I could not drive anymore. A person that I love and know 10 years told me that she feels nothing for me anymore. What did I do to deserve this is this the price that you pay for being transgender.

Is transitioning ever in my life going to make up for this heart pain that is barely bearable at this stage. I hope it is worth it because sitting here feeling sorry for myself is not worth it. I am hatting my life at this stage and hating myself. I wish there was an other alternative I wish I could do it all over again.

Honey - you have been trying to live "in the middle" and all that has done has brought pain, confusion, and uncertainty. Your wife is gone from your relationship and judging from what you've written i'd say that shes been gone for a long time - you deserve far better from life than what you've been getting from her. Your relationship was full of acrimony and vitriol and no one should have to live like that - thats not a loving relationship, and I'd hazard a guess to say that you suffered emotional abuse in that relationship. It was very unhealthy for you.

You've done nothing wrong - you have a condition that was present from birth and you've been seeking the one treatment that's proven to help. Your wife held that against you and made you feel guilty about it which is wrong. You have absolutely nothing to feel guilty about.

Yes, divorce crushes your soul to pieces - many of us have been down this dark road, myself included. I'll be truthful - it was hard, and it took a lot of soul searching and introspection to get through it. But I survived, as will you. The sun will rise tomorrow and life will go on.

It is time to let go of her and let go of the past because it's gone and embrace whatever the future brings. There is someone out there that will treat you with respect and will love you for who you truly are, and when you continue your transition and remove uncertainty from your life you will find that person and you will find that life does get better.

Yesterday, you wrote this:

Quote from: Amoré on January 11, 2016, 10:20:22 AM
So do I really want to stay with a woman that is just going to stay with me so that I don't transition. No way!

So I am going to start hrt tomorrow morning 

No take backs!!!!!!!

What happened between yesterday and today to make you change your resolve?  Yesterday, you saw your way forward.  Now you want to go back.

Do you have a lawyer yet?  You need one, now.

It will be okay. In 5 years the sun will still be shining, birds will still be chirping, life will go on. Eva is right, you're holding on to a relationship that fell apart a while ago. The best thing you can do for yourself is to confront yourself and accept that you are getting a divorce. This happens to so many people for so many reasons and it's hard. Just keep moving foreward on day at a time, one week at a time. In 5 years you'll be out of this funk. Things will be better, different but better.

Quote from: Amoré on January 12, 2016, 07:07:06 AM
She is not even giving me and my child a fighting chance.

I know this might be mean but what do you mean by you and your child a fighting chance? This is where you get a lawyer and fight for your child, not keel over and give up.

Clearly you have wanted to transition for a long time, given your previous posts and that she was not accepting that you wanted to transition. It is not something a lot of people would accept to be honest, there are lucky people which do but I do not think its in the majority for some reason.

Quote from: KathyLauren on January 12, 2016, 07:54:15 AM
Yesterday, you wrote this:
What happened between yesterday and today to make you change your resolve?  Yesterday, you saw your way forward.  Now you want to go back.

Do you have a lawyer yet?  You need one, now.

My heart got the better of me I think

Quote from: Kayla88 on January 12, 2016, 08:05:01 AM
I know this might be mean but what do you mean by you and your child a fighting chance? This is where you get a lawyer and fight for your child, not keel over and give up.

Clearly you have wanted to transition for a long time, given your previous posts and that she was not accepting that you wanted to transition. It is not something a lot of people would accept to be honest, there are lucky people which do but I do not think its in the majority for some reason.

The problem is she is using my suicide attempt against me to get custody. With us it works different you go to a social worker and they pull up a parenting plan.

Also that I went to rehab she is trying to pin me down as psychotic.With our system custody is always given to the mother unless you can proof she is unfit.

This is a devastating situation for you to be in, and my heart goes out to you. And with your wife apparently being a control freak (from the tone of your previous posts) it's easy to feel like she's holding all the cards and is in control of the situation. But that's not the case at all. That's just what she wants you to believe so that it'll be easier for her to ride roughshod over you. You do not need her to give you and your child a fighting chance. Who died & put her in charge of this situation? She doesn't get to decide its outcome - that's for the magistrate/judge to decide!

OK, hard truth: you now know that your marriage is unsalvageable. She's filing papers and once a partner has made that decision, it's almost impossible to convince them otherwise. So now what you need to do is to have a good cry/scream/whatever to get the initial shock out of your system, and then go into a self-defense mode. She's likely to be ruthless with you, so you must defend yourself and your child from her machinations.

I see you're in South Africa; sadly as you know South Africa is still in the dark ages when it comes to some LGBT issues, but we do have laws to protect us. Look up the Children's Act, Act 38 of 2005, which confers equal and joint guardianship status on both parents of children born from marriage (here it is for your convenience). It's no longer true that the mother automatically gets custody. But what can you do to weaken her case and strengthen yours? Can you put together a record of the emotional abuse she's committed against you? Has she done anything in front of your child, like scream at you or hit you? Document everything, and give it to your solicitor as evidence.

Look for LGBT societies or support groups in your city or province, and contact them to see if they can recommend any good LGBT-friendly lawyers who've fought hard for trans (or gay) clients to help them maintain custody of their kids (or to get reasonable contact, if that's your preference).  There are quite a few Attorneys, Barristers & Solicitors who are LGBT-friendly, so ring them up and ask for a consultation to talk through your case. You'll benefit from their specialist knowledge, especially if your wife tries to use your trans identity as a weapon. An inexperienced solicitor may not know how to defend against that.

I'm not going to try to sugar-coat it: divorce is horrible and I don't recommend going through both a divorce and a transition at the same time. Each is almost as stressful as a death in the family, so both together would be very detrimental to your health. She's started the clock ticking by filing papers to pull the plug on your marriage, so I'd very strongly recommend you concentrate on the divorce first.

Be aware that the grounds for divorce in South Africa are very strict and specific. I hope she's filing for a 'no fault' divorce, which would be fine. But it sounds like she's using your suicide attempt & rehab as grounds for bringing a 'mental illness' claim against you, so you'll need to defend against that... and the best way of doing so is to get a formal diagnosis of Gender Dysphoria (if you haven't already done so) along with a clean bill of mental health. If you get all your ducks in a row and can show the court evidence that you're not mentally ill and not a threat to your child, she'll be unable to use these things against you.

Sterkte, Amoré. It's going to be a rough ride for a little while, but it will definitely get better.

Quote from: FTMDiaries on January 12, 2016, 10:59:31 AM
This is a devastating situation for you to be in, and my heart goes out to you. And with your wife apparently being a control freak (from the tone of your previous posts) it's easy to feel like she's holding all the cards and is in control of the situation. But that's not the case at all. That's just what she wants you to believe so that it'll be easier for her to ride roughshod over you. You do not need her to give you and your child a fighting chance. Who died & put her in charge of this situation? She doesn't get to decide its outcome - that's for the magistrate/judge to decide!

OK, hard truth: you now know that your marriage is unsalvageable. She's filing papers and once a partner has made that decision, it's almost impossible to convince them otherwise. So now what you need to do is to have a good cry/scream/whatever to get the initial shock out of your system, and then go into a self-defense mode. She's likely to be ruthless with you, so you must defend yourself and your child from her machinations.

I see you're in South Africa; sadly as you know South Africa is still in the dark ages when it comes to some LGBT issues, but we do have laws to protect us. Look up the Children's Act, Act 38 of 2005, which confers equal and joint guardianship status on both parents of children born from marriage (here it is for your convenience). It's no longer true that the mother automatically gets custody. But what can you do to weaken her case and strengthen yours? Can you put together a record of the emotional abuse she's committed against you? Has she done anything in front of your child, like scream at you or hit you? Document everything, and give it to your solicitor as evidence.

Look for LGBT societies or support groups in your city or province, and contact them to see if they can recommend any good LGBT-friendly lawyers who've fought hard for trans (or gay) clients to help them maintain custody of their kids (or to get reasonable contact, if that's your preference).  There are quite a few Attorneys, Barristers & Solicitors who are LGBT-friendly, so ring them up and ask for a consultation to talk through your case. You'll benefit from their specialist knowledge, especially if your wife tries to use your trans identity as a weapon. An inexperienced solicitor may not know how to defend against that.

I'm not going to try to sugar-coat it: divorce is horrible and I don't recommend going through both a divorce and a transition at the same time. Each is almost as stressful as a death in the family, so both together would be very detrimental to your health. She's started the clock ticking by filing papers to pull the plug on your marriage, so I'd very strongly recommend you concentrate on the divorce first.

Be aware that the grounds for divorce in South Africa are very strict and specific. I hope she's filing for a 'no fault' divorce, which would be fine. But it sounds like she's using your suicide attempt & rehab as grounds for bringing a 'mental illness' claim against you, so you'll need to defend against that... and the best way of doing so is to get a formal diagnosis of Gender Dysphoria (if you haven't already done so) along with a clean bill of mental health. If you get all your ducks in a row and can show the court evidence that you're not mentally ill and not a threat to your child, she'll be unable to use these things against you.

Sterkte, Amoré. It's going to be a rough ride for a little while, but it will definitely get better.

Hi yes she actually screams at me and physically assaulted me in front of my child. My child is even immetating her behaviour these days as she sees it is the right way to treat me she will tell me I am stupid and stuff like that.

I have a whole record of my emotional abuse at my therapist. I have been diagnosed as transgender also. I have been diagnosed with depression also. But this is due to the circumstances. Are you from south africa?

Positive things are you can wake up in the middle of the night and have peace. You can be you. You can move forward with your transition. You can isolate yourself from the negative she throws at you. You can structure meetings to have lawyers or others present. That is one thing you should do. Never meet alone. Things can be made up and bad things happen. Witnesses prevent that. Visitation arrangements are the same. Structure is needed. You can have your own life now. Also, structure your finances between you two. With the help of others. Don't feel guilty and allow things to happen because of that. Structure your life to save yourself. You can't help your child if you can't help yourself. You first. Others second. And keep moving forward. Advice from one who has been there more than once.

Amore, I have followed your story for a while and it's a heart breaker for sure.

I wish I could snap my fingers and it would be as it was but well, life is like that.

I never met your wife but I don't think she gave things much of a chance. She seemed to fly the coop quickly and wasn't that nice to you on the way out.

If there is a positive side, it is that you can now explore yourself better and decide where it is you want to go. To be crass, I was told there are lots of fish in the sea and there's always hope. I didn't believe it until I met a cis gender woman who accepts me for who I am and we are now trying to sort out our lives and a long distance relationship over 3500 miles, so there's hope.

In time, things will get better. They always do after a break up but it takes a long time. Maybe you'll never get over it but you will survive and I think it's your wife's loss. You seem like a loving and caring person from the way you have written on here and that's a real good thing to find in a person.

I wish you all the best and much happiness.

Love,
Clare

Quote
But it feels if my heart is in a vice and someone is turning it tighter and tighter until it is on the point of just exploding into a million pieces. I know a lot say it gets better but I can't see that right now. I can't see how waking up tomorrow and dressing full female is going to lessen this vice on my heart.

True on all counts

Your heart is in a vise, along with the gonads. Your wife has been turning the handle more and more these past months, or more. You are seeing it now. Still very much feeling. And just like a good kick in the nads, you will be hurting for a while.

With the right attitude, getting out of a toxic environment, starting by doing things FOR you, taking those baby steps, things do get better. If you let the hate, betrayal, anger, and grief consume your life it may take a very long time, if ever, to get better. THe choice is yours to either live in the past and 'What If' the past 2 years to death, or move foward as scary and difficult as it may seem today.

I know all too well how difficult it is to have ANY faith at all in what you decide, what you do is ever the right thing. The constant beating yourself up for being an idiot, or worse. I also know all too well how difficult it is NOT to keep on being that person. I still fall into that old familiar, yet uncomfortable, role

Putting on a dress tomorrow will not change the heartache, the grief, the tears, the self-directed anger. All it may do is remind you that you can do something for yourself that you know deep in your heart is right.

Amor'e  things will get better I had a marriage very similar to what you describe but there is hope my children had no problem seeing what the truth was as parents can tell lies to them but they can't hide their true personality it show in their life and children see through the pretense the are always watching and your daughter will see your true colours and what is in your heart after my divorce I learned to love myself and life became better than ever before

   Be strong life will be wonderful it just takes time

    bobbisue

I can't tell you everything is going to be fine.

My divorce was nowhere near as nasty as yours (actually, I was the one who initiated it), and it still hurts.

Last Saturday was my "baby sister's" wedding (she's 53), and seeing all those happily married couples and families brought up the pain of the divorce, or rather, the pain of the necessity of the divorce and of amputating my feelings for her.  My ex was there and seeing her reminded me of all the reasons I loved her (and to some extent still love her), but also reminded me of why staying married to her would have killed me.

I dealt with the pain of the divorce (the process and the aftermath) in my usual way: I just focussed on what I had to do and ignored my emotions.  I knew that if I didn't want to make things far worse I had to:

1.  Focus on the relationship I wanted to have with her long-term.  She is the mother of my children and will therefore always be in my life.  I wanted to minimize the bitterness and to maintain a functional relationship.  So I forced myself to not react to her jabs and her unreasonable behavior.  I left negotiating to my attorneys.  It drove her crazy (not actually my goal), but it also left her with nothing to latch on to and fight with me about (which was my goal.)  "Keep your eyes on the prize" as they say.

2.  Never bad-mouth her to my kids.  She has always done things which IMHO were emotionally harmful to the kids but which I couldn't really do anything about.  I tried to be supportive without saying more negative things that were absolutely necessary.  I simply ignored the mean things she said about me to them, figuring correctly that sooner or later they would figure out the truth.  It is only now that they are adults that I feel free to tell them something of what it was like for me.

One thing that helped was that my ex didn't try to prevent me from having any contact with our children, so they got to see who I am.

I don't know how much good advice from someone from a different country who doesn't even know you or your family will be, but I would suggest doing what you can to maintain some contact with your children, ideally some visitation schedule.  Focus on what kind of relationship you think you might have a chance of having with your children ten years from now and just suffer through whatever you have to in the meantime.  Engage as little as possible with your soon-to-be-ex's behavior.  Let her abuse and her lies be her problem and your attorneys'.

I was at where you are at. My heart goes out to you. It really does.

I was filed papers about 1 1/2 years ago and I was devastated for a while, but it ended OK I guess. I'm still angry that I am no longer a home owner. I am really angry that I only see my kids every other weekend with no overnights.

But I am happy that I am not abused anymore and that I can be myself without danger. She told me last week that when I am smaller that she is going to beat my ass.

My life is still a train wreck,  but I am happier. I can't explain it,  but things did get better.

Well I ended up this morning dressing up female sitting around typing this.I must say it makes me happy in a way :)I feel well like me and very feminine for some reason.

I am angry because to get her cooperation in anything is like asking a rock to do flips. I am sick and tired of playing her stupid game. She is playing victim the poor woman who's man came out as transgender. Then she feels she has the right to bash me because of this. Because she is a victim telling me you have no idea what I went through the past year that is her reason for divorce.The problem with this type of people is no matter what you do and say they will never be happy they are unhappy people with themselves.

Look like she has no conflict coping skills at all. She is telling me stuff like she gave people what they wanted her whole life now she is going to do what she wants. I never held her back I always gave her what she wants. I realised she has major childhood issues that is coming through now and maybe bipolar disorder also. It is really starting to get difficult to see the good in her at all. I tried hard to do this for so long but I don't know. She told me the other day she don't want to end up miserable like her mother and father that did not divorce. Well her mother is bipolar and I can see myself in the shoes of the father. My wife's behaviour is very suspicious I am diagnosed with gd and being transgender but by far I haven't got any psychotic behaviour. I just don't know if this is the way I want to go round and round for the rest of my life. She told me yesterday she did not approve of all the things I bought. I had money and I can buy whatever I want with my money. She can't be with a man that throws a tantrum like a child when he can't get something he wants. Ummmm well my money my life why do I have to get permission.

This morning she is telling me I am handling her without respect. I am screaming at her. I swear this woman is delusional.I am calling her bad things! Why do these people turn everything around and pin what they are doing on you. When you say something back you are in for going round and round again. I don't know if I can live like this anymore.
I am basically telling this woman each day of my life. Here is my life live it for me decide who you want me to be how you want me to be you are my puppet master.

This thing that I think is a marriage is in reality far from that.It is something I am starting to hate and the thing that I am trying to rescue was the past it won't be the same.

She will be a dictator and I am opening myself to say you control my life to stay happy and not leave me. The main reason why she is jumping for divorce is because I am not jumping and playing by her rules. I am rebelling. She is really not happy with me dressing female today but she don't own me although she thinks so

Well Amoray is free eventually I am sitting here and I feel like I can breath no matter how hard it is i can actually just be me. I am ->-bleeped-<- scared of going out in public like usual. But who cares what other people think.

I just want to be the pretty girl that I am. 

Quote from: Amoré on January 13, 2016, 01:19:49 AM
Well I ended up this morning dressing up female sitting around typing this.I must say it makes me happy in a way :)I feel well like me and very feminine for some reason.

I am angry because to get her cooperation in anything is like asking a rock to do flips. I am sick and tired of playing her stupid game. She is playing victim the poor woman who's man came out as transgender. Then she feels she has the right to bash me because of this. Because she is a victim telling me you have no idea what I went through the past year that is her reason for divorce.The problem with this type of people is no matter what you do and say they will never be happy they are unhappy people with themselves.

Look like she has no conflict coping skills at all. She is telling me stuff like she gave people what they wanted her whole life now she is going to do what she wants. I never held her back I always gave her what she wants. I realised she has major childhood issues that is coming through now and maybe bipolar disorder also. It is really starting to get difficult to see the good in her at all. I tried hard to do this for so long but I don't know. She told me the other day she don't want to end up miserable like her mother and father that did not divorce. Well her mother is bipolar and I can see myself in the shoes of the father. My wife's behaviour is very suspicious I am diagnosed with gd and being transgender but by far I haven't got any psychotic behaviour. I just don't know if this is the way I want to go round and round for the rest of my life. She told me yesterday she did not approve of all the things I bought. I had money and I can buy whatever I want with my money. She can't be with a man that throws a tantrum like a child when he can't get something he wants. Ummmm well my money my life why do I have to get permission.

This morning she is telling me I am handling her without respect. I am screaming at her. I swear this woman is delusional.I am calling her bad things! Why do these people turn everything around and pin what they are doing on you. When you say something back you are in for going round and round again. I don't know if I can live like this anymore.
I am basically telling this woman each day of my life. Here is my life live it for me decide who you want me to be how you want me to be you are my puppet master.

This thing that I think is a marriage is in reality far from that.It is something I am starting to hate and the thing that I am trying to rescue was the past it won't be the same.

She will be a dictator and I am opening myself to say you control my life to stay happy and not leave me. The main reason why she is jumping for divorce is because I am not jumping and playing by her rules. I am rebelling. She is really not happy with me dressing female today but she don't own me although she thinks so

Well Amoray is free eventually I am sitting here and I feel like I can breath no matter how hard it is i can actually just be me. I am ->-bleeped-<- scared of going out in public like usual. But who cares what other people think.

I just want to be the pretty girl that I am. 

That's awesome, believe it or not you're over the hump!! You'll still have those days where you miss the good times but don't live in the past. You're finally moving on!! I'm smiling so big now, you have no idea how happy I am for you, I was in a bad relationship like yourse and I finally got tired of her threatening me about it being over. It's hard but liberating when it ends.

I'm so happy for you. You're awesome!