I'm sorry that I'm not much of a poster. Ever since my last post I have been trying to find a way to cope with being transgendered. Unfortunately I have not. I'm still stuck and am quickly losing hope that things are going to get better.

This past year has been so hard. I've finally accepted to myself that I'm transgendered (actually I think I'm transsexual because I want to go all in on this). You'd have thought that I would have figured this out when I was a kid but I've tried to fight it every step of the way. I first started having these feelings when I was very young, getting caught with my sister's underwear when I was 12 or 13 and now I'm nearly 39.

I still haven't come out to my wife. I'm terrified of losing her and my kids. She has her own problems (a history of suicidal tendencies and she has been diagnosed with "high functioning borderline personality disorder"). I'm terrified that she will take the kids, cut me out of her life completely and keep them away from my parents. She's made it clear that being a man is my best quality (if only she really knew).

This absolutely sucks because I want to be happy as me but want to be happy with my family. I'm stuck between two worlds and one is clearly better than the other. In one I have a loving family and extended family, a good job, a nice home, though not too many friends. In the other I would finally look on the outside how I feel on the inside, but be alienated from everyone I love.

I know I need to see a therapist. I even made an appointment with one last June, but then my grandfather died and I cancelled it in another attempt to be the man he wanted me to become. The problem is that it just doesn't fit. And, my insurance won't cover the therapy sessions, making it much more difficult to go because I can't let my wife know until I know for sure what path I need to take.

I have thought about suicide as a way out but just like I can't abandon my family in my own selfish desires I couldn't do that to them, either. My wife needs a husband and my kids need a father and I want to be that, but I also want to be a wife and mother.

It hurts so much and it's just getting worse. I know I have to make a decision soon because I'm not getting any younger (I turn 39 next month). I wish I could go back in time and tell my parents "YES!" when they asked if I wanted to be treated like a girl instead of giving into my fears. I guess fear has ruled my life since then. And it doesn't help that I'm the type of person that doesn't like to cause pain in others. I've seen what it's like when someone loses a father. I've seen what it does to families and I don't want that for my kids. I don't want my wife hating me or doing something stupid in a fit of depression mixed with anger.

If there was a way to just end this and live my life happily as a man I would do it in a heartbeat. But, 30+ years of trying to do that just hasn't worked and I no longer know what to do.

I'm sorry for this rant. I haven't been able to talk to anyone about these issues. And, the only person I'm technically out to is the police office who pulled me over late last night as I was heading to my night job while fully dressed.

As I have posted before, feel free to ask me any question you might have I am secure with myself and will not be offended.

As I see it, you have two issues you need to address. The first as you know is therapy. As your wife has already been in and out of therapy, you might mention the pressure of life has made you decide you need some therapy to put things in perspective. That might buy you the few visits you need to determine your direction.

The other issue is you need to see a lawyer as soon as possible. If you think you wife will take the kids and leave, you need to ensure at least joint custody of the children. With your wife's mental condition, it may even be desirable to make you the primary parent. Do this before your wife learns about it because far to many people wait to long and end up paying a very dear price for the delay. Currently you may just want to get out of it but the early freedom could be something you regret in the long run.

Last, as a bonus, I am going to give you two links to look at an ponder. They may help you feel the urgency to start treatment and resolve this issues you have been living with for so long. The first is our Wiki where the term transgender is defined. The second is "the transition channel" where you will get a better feel for what being transgender/transsexual is. Much of this information was in my therapy group 33 years ago so while old, it's still very true today.

Post on this thread if you have additional questions for me and I will respond when I have the time.

Dear GNG:

Dena has given you some great counsel.  Having waited for nearly 40 years before transitioning I found that all that waiting was just that . . . waiting.  I have no regrets but without a doubt I wish I had transitioned much, much sooner.  If only I had known by reaching out to others like me I would have!  YMMV.

Please stay in touch, 

Rachel

I'm 64   and wished I had transitioned at 4

GNG you should really start with a therapy and go from there. Even if some people say differently it's better for your children to have an open and loving transgender mother than a self hating father. Transitioning is a pretty tough road but I can say for myself the longer you wait and do nothing about it the harder it gets for you.

I wish you the best of luck in your future 

I knew I was female since the moment I could think, when I chose to transition last year I lost it all. Family, friends, church, wife and all my different groups of people I would hang with for hobbies etc.

At some point you realize the only person in this world you have to take care of is yourself, support those who support you and shoot down those who don't. You get to the point you realize you're done with the BS life has expected you to fit into. Your wife will leave you, your kids will grow up resenting you, your friends your coworkers your buddies, they will all judge you and condemn you.

Is it worth it though? If you had to pick between being miserable but everybody around you was happy, or being happy but everybody in your life is miserable? What is the correct answer? At the end of your life how will you really feel? Did you even life your life or did you live the life of some man's?

Before I transitioned I was a good Christian man who did what was expected of me I had a wife and attended church and Bible studies, I held back so many thoughts and feelings, I never felt fulfilled and I expected to die this way. Now, I am a divorced ex-Christian woman who lives on her own and has a boyfriend and couldn't be happier. Am I going to hell? Probably. But will I look back on my life and know I lived it to the fullest by choosing to transition and be who I really am? Yes.

Am I an immoral woman? No. I only am an honest woman, and when I divorced I apologized to my wife, apologized that I wasn't honest with her when marriage started as she thought she was marrying a man. I apologized for being a liar to my church and to my friends that left me, apologized for not being honest. I apologized to God for not being able to be what I thought he wanted me to be, I apologized to God for not being honest with Him by being honest with myself. So what is a successful life then? A good one where you fit in? Or one where you were honest with who you are?

People who don't understand don't see it this way, they see only me as being a gay sinner going to hell, they don't understand and cant understand. This is my testimony to you and that's all it is, but just know someday you wont be able to hide who you are anymore, and when that day comes you will regret not transitioning earlier. You will either die as a liar to everyone around you yet they will praise you, or you die as a fulfilled honest woman that everybody resented and loathed.

Thank you everyone for your thoughts and encouragement. When I wrote this I was in a really bad place. I'm feeling better now, but I still haven't made any moves to do anything yet.

Fluttershy95, I think your comments hit the hardest of all. I think you're absolutely right. My kids deserve a loving parent, not one who beats herself up because she feels trapped. It's been mostly because of my kids that I haven't started transitioning. I see how my kids are when I leave them just to go to work and it tears me up thinking aout how they'll feel if I leave to become a second mother to them. But, maybe it needs to be done. I know when I'm not feeling good about myself that my patience is thin and I snap a little more than I should.

So, starting today I'm going to start doing something/anything to begin my transition. I'm letting myself be happy instead of worrying about everyone else's happiness. I need to be happy because I've been miserable for years. Hopefully by the time I'm 40 (just next year) people will finally see the woman I really am.

Thank you!

Ashley

Quote from: Stella Sophia on February 02, 2016, 11:47:47 PM
I knew I was female since the moment I could think, when I chose to transition last year I lost it all. Family, friends, church, wife and all my different groups of people I would hang with for hobbies etc.

At some point you realize the only person in this world you have to take care of is yourself, support those who support you and shoot down those who don't. You get to the point you realize you're done with the BS life has expected you to fit into. Your wife will leave you, your kids will grow up resenting you, your friends your coworkers your buddies, they will all judge you and condemn you.

Is it worth it though? If you had to pick between being miserable but everybody around you was happy, or being happy but everybody in your life is miserable? What is the correct answer? At the end of your life how will you really feel? Did you even life your life or did you live the life of some man's?

Before I transitioned I was a good Christian man who did what was expected of me I had a wife and attended church and Bible studies, I held back so many thoughts and feelings, I never felt fulfilled and I expected to die this way. Now, I am a divorced ex-Christian woman who lives on her own and has a boyfriend and couldn't be happier. Am I going to hell? Probably. But will I look back on my life and know I lived it to the fullest by choosing to transition and be who I really am? Yes.

Am I an immoral woman? No. I only am an honest woman, and when I divorced I apologized to my wife, apologized that I wasn't honest with her when marriage started as she thought she was marrying a man. I apologized for being a liar to my church and to my friends that left me, apologized for not being honest. I apologized to God for not being able to be what I thought he wanted me to be, I apologized to God for not being honest with Him by being honest with myself. So what is a successful life then? A good one where you fit in? Or one where you were honest with who you are?

People who don't understand don't see it this way, they see only me as being a gay sinner going to hell, they don't understand and cant understand. This is my testimony to you and that's all it is, but just know someday you wont be able to hide who you are anymore, and when that day comes you will regret not transitioning earlier. You will either die as a liar to everyone around you yet they will praise you, or you die as a fulfilled honest woman that everybody resented and loathed.

Ummm Wow. Get out of my head! I've never been Christian, but yep. Nailed it sister!

Dierdre

GNG,

The kids thing is tough. I have two myself, My daughter is 23, and resents me because of the divorce, which actually wasn't entirely based on my gender challenges, er um let's call them opportunities shall we? My son is about to turn 16. He is partly the reason I decided to transition. My reasoning for this is as follows; I have ALWAYS told my kids that I love them no matter what, that covers just about everything up until we're acting like Dahmer and Gacy had a love child... pretty open. I lived as male until I was 40, then it hit me. How can I teach my son to be happy with himself if I'm living a lie right in front of him? Nope, can't do it. So we talked, I told him my feelings and he didn't really get it, how could he? But he said, "Be happy dad." I'm still and always be his dad, but he's getting way better at saying She's my dad!.

Good luck out there!

Dierdre

I wish I had transitioned at your age! I started when I was 59 and I'm 61 now. Sure life's been up and down and at times I felt torn apart but I am past that now. I am who I feel I should have been and I am at peace with myself, something I hadn't been for years.

As for suicide, yep, been there myself and almost got the T-shirt, but suicide the way I see it now is a permanent solution to a temporary problem.

There are many people here who can help you plot your course of action and I wish you all the peace and love in the world.

Love,
Clare

good luck

Being transgender is no picnic, there's no doubt about that. Some of that certainly comes from our own confusion but a large part of it is down to society treating us as crud. If, for example, you knew that in coming out and transitioning you would have 100% support and acceptance from your wife, children, family, social groups, workplace, medical professions, etc...do you think you would feel anywhere near as bad about being trans as you do now? It's not hard to see that our poor treatment by others is what makes being trans so much more difficult than it needs to be. Even worse we are prone to turning those wider social attitudes back in on ourselves. There is nothing wrong with being trans, but there is an awful lot wrong with how we are often treated. I know none of that makes for a difference when your faced with what you are currently feeling. All I can say is that transition will indeed result in a degree of pain, but if you feel as bad as you do now, what are your options? And no, harming yourself is not one of those options. You don't ever have to transition but the sooner you talk to a therapist about your feelings and options the better.

I too struggled with being transgendered.. Not with how i felt regarding myself but all the pain i had to endure in society. I had childhood friends abuse me and make me a social outcast. And i have been sent to hospital because of people and there transphobic ways.. I have felt when i was younger many times that happiness is not worth it.. Life was not worth it.. And because of this i isolated myself and locked my self away from society because i couldnt cope and i suffered server depression because of this... It was very hard....

But when i seen my therapist he helped me put all that hate and depression in a box and to rearrange them feelings into being able to accept myself and to raise my comfidence and to finally love myself for who i am... So therapy is a must have....

I am now 10 months post op and i can now look back at all of them struggles and say.. "Yes it was hard but now im happy i can finally lick my wounds and say im better than all of you because i have came through on top.." (would these people beable to cope with all the preasures transpeople go through?).. And i never thought i would ever beable to say that....

Just keep strong and i promise you, that you too will come out on top and see the world differently.. You are a beautiful person.. And thats it..

Good luck with everything and take care

Lea xxx

Sent from my LG-D722 using Tapatalk

I just want to say thank you again for all of the support and comments you women have given me.

Last night I finally made the decision to transition. I was alone and got fully dressed from my wig down to my boots. After looking in the mirror I realized that I have just been lying to myself. I've tried for so long to be a man when I'm really not. I spent so many years thinking that this was just a sexual fetish and that I could beat it but when I saw myself last night I saw the woman I am. And, I realized that even now I don't make a bad looking woman (though I couldn't pass right now due to my weight and my facial hair).

I've dealt with this for most of my life (I think I was nine or ten when I first realized I wasn't quite right) but it wasn't until the past few weeks that I've been feeling the crisis over this. I've had moments where I've accepted it and moments where I thought I was insane for believing I was really a woman (I've had a LOT of internal fighting throughout my life). I noticed this morning that when I'm accepting myself as a woman that I'm much more focused, more productive and more at peace than I have been. It feels right.

So, thank you for helping me get to this point. I've finally made my decision and am FINALLY accepting myself as a trans-woman. Now, just to get the courage up to tell my family.

Ashley

Hi GNG, Stella, Dena, everyone!

Your posts are so inspirational to me! So much wisdom on this page alone, ya'll are so amazing! ❤️

Growing up as an adopted child to a wealthy Presbyterian  couple, I can also relate. My mother writes and publishes books on how to teach women's Bible studies. They don't accept me and have sent me to numerous psychologists and therapists trying to understand what was going on in my head. I was too afraid to specifically tell them exactly what I wanted. They still think it's a sexual deviation. Hopefully they understand soon because I miss them. Now that I can admit my ID to myself our relationship has already strained to the point of zero contact. Hitting my mid 20's I realize what I am now. My depression has ended. It was like a lightbulb turning on, illuminating my soul that had lain dormant for years. 
After my recent excommunication from my parents, I feel freed. While at the same time my love for them still hits so hard when I think upon it. But I'll take the painful emotions I have now over feeling nothing at all.

I am so happy regardless of the consequences!  I am single and don't have the added burden of dealing with a significant other. I wish I could help offer advice but I'm pretty sure the other enlightened spirits have it covered 😋.

Gabi

Most, perhaps every, transwoman I know got to the point in their life where there just options; A) Transition, B) Die. Only one of those choices you get a "Do-Over"

Transition simply means to change. You already have by simply seeing that you likely are somewhere in the TG spectrum. I always knew I was and pretty much left it that for a good 30 years. I settled on being "Just a CD", though I knew better. It wasn't until my life in general led me to seeing I needed to take the trans beast head on, and stop this dance we've been doing all my life.

If you face your fears, put your toe into the water, you just may also see that things do get better. A little at first as you build the foundation for the rest of your life as..... you

Hi Ashley
I'm very happy for you making the big decision about transitioning.
I know it is very difficult but a certain feeling of relief and happiness
I am 57 and did not start my journey until I was 55 so you are still
very young. Coming out to my wife and daughters was extremely hard
and I thought I was going to have a nervous breakdown but they
for the most part have been very supportive. I do wish that I would
have transitioned much earlier but can't have regrets .. need to just
go forward and be right in life. Your courage is inspirational and gives
me strength.

All the best
Kath