I'm sure people have heard about catfishing, it's all the rage now. I've experienced levels of catfishing online but never to the degree that I just did.

I fell head over heels for a guy who seemed extremely sympathetic to my life, he made me laugh, was very charming, and then come to find out later that he was very handsome. I felt like I hit the jackpot! I'm not a horrible looking person, but I'm not drop dead gorgeous either. So naturally I'm all ga-ga. I'm leery about online relationships and despite being asked out several times by the guy I kept saying no. Eventually though, I did say yes to dating and it seemed very good for a short while...

Then of course the news came crashing down on me that this person was not only not who they said they were, but completely different. I fell in love with a man with several kids, who cared deeply for me and had lightly painted a future that I was looking forward to.

In all actuality it was a much younger female, with no kids, etc.

They say there are two types of catfishers out there. Those who want to hurt you and are being malicious for entertainment, and those who really care about you but can't accept who they are.

I foolishly believed it was the later option... Come to find out it wasn't. It was neither in this case. I fell in love with a person, not a photograph or a gender. So to me, this was all inconsequential and the lying was something we needed to address and work through together... I had already decided that I cared very much for this person and I was willing to make it work regardless of who they really were. It couldn't all be a lie, right? As long as their feelings for me were true I figured the rest isn't important because we care enough about each other that it would work out.

... This person is neither of the two categories of catfish. So when I told them that I'd found out they were lying my entire world crumbled. She doesn't have any interest in being with me or in hurting me either. She's not interested in me sexually or romantically. She has no interest in woman whatsoever, but her 'persona' does. She said she cares about me just not in the way that her 'persona' did. Said she created the persona to be someone she wasn't, but they don't reflect who she is at all. Yet aspects of the persona which I feel in love with are her...

So she's not a lesbian or bisexual, not sexually attracted to me, wants nothing sexual or romantic from me, but still okay with dating me because it has better benefits than just being friends. Says it'd be like being in an asexual relationship...

And I know I'm not okay with that, but I'm totally heartbroken and afraid to lose her. She's the person I talk to when I'm upset or feel alone... She's the one I've been relying on for support. Now I can't even talk to our online friends because I don't want to exacerbate the situation and force her out and humiliate her. I care far too much about her to do that, that's how sickly in love I am... I'm now in love with a person who probably is repulsed by the idea of even kissing me... And everything I do reminds me of her so I've just been sitting around crying buckets of tears because I know no matter what happens I've lost my boyfriend/girlfriend/whatever we were and there's nothing I can do about it...

And I know she cares about me, but not in the way that I thought or wanted. I'm like friend status. It's like dating someone you are in love with and then in two seconds finding out that your relationship is a sham, you've just been strung along out of boredom, and being friends. Like what do I do with all this love? It's just eating me up... I can't eat anything, I keep taking Tylenol because I'm crying so much that my head hurts... I'm surprised I have any liquid left in my body...

We chat on KiK messenger and she bought me a little smiley. Now every time I see it I feel sick and start crying again........ But it's my favorite smiley so I keep using it...

I feel like a complete fool and in the same breath don't know what to do... I should just walk away but I'm quite taken by her because I'm still believing that there has to be something... She cares about me enough to not want to hurt me, but she isn't interested in dating me... But I mean... Can it really be like that...? Can you pretend to be sexually attracted to someone because you care about them but hold no romantic interest in them? I mean, I assume anythings possible...

I'm just... Shattered. Absolutely. Shattered... It's like looking at a sunset through broken glass right now...

I guess in some way I just wanted someone to love me, and the fact that that's the furthest thing from true just hurts more than the lying ever could... I would have been okay if I knew she at least loved me... The fact that I mean essentially nothing is unbearable...

So yeah... Just wanted to get this out because I don't have any one to talk to about it anymore... And I think anyone I could talk to would just laugh at how stupid I am....... So... That's that...

I'm sure it hurt you to find out the person who you thought you were conversing with was just an on-line persona. It sounds like while to you the relationship was real, to her the communication was akin to a role-playing game. In a sense it seems similar to the game second life sans the mutual acknowledgement that what takes place is make-believe. Finding out must really have felt like having a rug pulled from under your feet.

Since to her the relationship was but a fantasy, and all that you heard and felt for her was based on the illusion she wove, it's likely that there is nothing left in it to salvage. The exception would be if she truly also thought you were role-playing as well—but from what you write that sounds unlikely. I can feel your shock and confusion, and can only hope you can leave it behind, heal and go forward.

Please accept my condolences. This must be really really hard.

Well good news is she has no outward discrepancy of a malicious attempt to hurt you, but the bad news is yes indirectly coming forward like that, does still hurt.
I do not have the same side of the story that you went through, but sort of you could say I have a view coming from the other end of the type of move.
Maybe she might be confused, and needs a little help, or even some motivation. I hope you can recover from this as yes having the love of your life being ripped out of your grasp is very heart breaking.

I just hope I can help out in the slightest.
So okay, before I even knew that transgender was even a word and even so part of my own life. Around the end of high school back around the middle of 2004 possibly even back into 2003, I had started building my own female persona. I did not have a name for myself, or even having any focal female attributes physically or in the way of mindsets. I guess trying even to go about becoming a soprano in the school choir was many leagues away from my own grasp as testosterone and the whole of being brought up mainly into a male role, that didn't really work out much. But having more female friends throughout and even unknowingly getting in tune with my inner female, I would be watching how others were acting, almost imitating on a level of bringing upness into my own.
Eventually I started getting into gaming communities and online forum structures, creating a persona, which was me, but on the female level. I would shelter my own accord from my family, would hide the things I was doing as to hopefully not get caught and then really have to explain myself.

This is where I start getting caught up in emotion and either getting into the good and bad of my earlier gender struggles, I did start in a gaming community, on a more of a general discussion board for a very specific game. Got myself involved in my persona, going by a name of a friend of my own, but having a secondary life not thereof my own at the time. I had grown attached to an individual, and at the time it was based on a level of trust and deceit all at once. I was having feelings for this person, who I had only met online, through this site, we ended up exchanging e-mails, and had gone through several exchanges, well nothing vulgar, but my own confessions and his own that we both hit it off extremely well. At this point it starts getting closer to new year of 2004, and my own mind struggles to keep of this persona, yet I insist to myself of this is who I am, and on a technicality of being this sort of guardian angel toward this other human being. As I would always listen and respond when necessary, as through instant message and also through these instances in the forum or even email. Struggling with myself, of a guilt of throwing this far into a facade of my own life, and throwing upon him. Eventually I do confess to him, that this persona I was giving life to was me in the fullest, yet in real life I am not quite the female he knew and grew onto. Though was a bit after a fact of him introducing me into a game website, if you could claim it to be a multi fauceted mass multiplayer game and gaming forum of all sorts all in one entity.
It kind of wrecked my heart to have broken his heart in coming out to him, that I was male on the outside, but who I was were those words all over the messages we had sent back and forth for just about a year total before we had lost communication, and he went on his way, and I had gone my own path.
For the next year on this new site, I had come to terms, well deceiving myself as being more toward my male upbringing, I go through this site, in either playing a bunch of the many mini games it had placed on itself, and comingling within the forums and communities that were scattered through these forums. Making friends, but I never felt myself with in having this new identity of my own, so eventually leading to creating or recreating myself and on the site. Going back to a female persona in which I felt more comfortable on the site, as I still had a more forwardly female tone in my writing style if you could really call it that. Gaining friendships came rather simple and easy through the many integrated discussion boards of either anime, or comingling with random discussions, and as well as the gay and lesbian communities. Through the years of 2005 through early early 2007, is a part of my life in which I regret some of the things I had done, with either going  from my female persona, to my male persona, playing with my own heart with relationships that lasted a month or two before going back and forth and feeling like I was betraying them in the way I was never fully truthful about myself or just not in a good place.
I would struggle with my own accord, I was mostly sheltering myself, not really going outside to do much but almost literally drowned myself into this pixelated world. From 2004 after I graduated high school, up until I started working full time in June of 2006. I was in this confusing state in my life, I suppose I was caught up in my own misery pertaining to the heart break of my own and as well as the heart break to those I have inflicted upon. I never wanted to do much but stay in my own little world, and my family never really brought up the fact that I was in this almost zombie like state, withdrawn to my own self and glued to the computer fascinated with games and slightly into getting into a little bit of computer programming, but more forwardly into this little world of my own.
Once I did get a job because of this two years passing after I graduated high school, from my mother suggesting that I finally start to do something. I apply to one job, which ironically is the same company I am working with for the moment. First application turning in, into the first store I decide to apply to, first interview passing with flying colors. Got the job. No vehicle of my own, and no thoughts of getting my license any time soon, I was really dependant on my mother or the bus system to get me to work and back hone (at this time my mother was out of work due to time off of work due to injuries based from her job, so more so her job was making sure I was getting to work on time. So I never really considered getting my own transportation at the time mostly opting to use the local bus system. But my first day was unloading merchandise onto the shelves and such, more forwardly it was the cosmetics department, I had no issues with finding where things went and excelled in the day, the next day I was to set up a seasonal section in a small time frame into what would be a representation of structure as well as making it look "pretty" I excelled again, and start gaining praise from both management and the other cashiers, somewhat claiming onto a role of "being a manager"
Why I mentioned my starting working section I have no idea, but it does sort of correlate to myself to entwining my work into my female persona, back in the foreground of the story, and gaining a sort of working class female but gaming and these forums was my life. For the next 6 months of working and going home to hole myself into the gaming community, much more I started outwardly more so gain a foothold into my female side and outwardly going through growing my hair out, trying out makeup, very basic not a whole lot, mainly nail polish and tinted lip balms, and in a way getting that sort of my life.
In a way I managed to get promoted at my 6month mark due to a position opening up due to one of our supervisors moving, at this time in my life, even though newly promoted, my life was my own misery online, and working, a vicious cycle, in which an army recruiter had thus changed my life in three months time.
The end of February in 2007, was when my life had escalated into the semi masculine ways, at least until I had finished basic training and my advanced job training. On a way of catching it how I did was reserves, I go back home. I am slightly outgoing and am actually going to more family gatherings and the likes of such. But then my life goes into the cycle again. Justified of living off the money I had saved from my previous job, and all my training, for the next two years I get back into the online community. From the end of 2007 to 2009 is where things start to get a little intertwined with my story meets your story, but just on the other perspective.
Well more forwardly in 2008, is when I by a twist of fate and a couple seconds time frame is where I meet the one. As my female persona, without a true name but my internet persona, I had found the person of my dreams, the one who also felt the same way. We hit it off right from the get go, was like sparks were flying. We mainly chatted through the game, and moved through to instant messaging. In a way we ended up talking throughout the year, and the from the instance getting frustrated of myself, inner turmoil from having this burden of possibly breaking another heart, I come out with the truth, that I am not a girl despite, the resonating factors of my persona, and through the communities. She was understanding and relieved that I had chosen to let her know the truth, but then about a month in from swapping phone numbers, and well a crazy fated night June 6th 2009 is when I get this mysterious phone call, an accidental phone call at that. This is where I get my truth, my sort of enlightenment. This is when I became Kate. Even though the truth was out and me now male mode, yet online as female mode, but with her I felt and well we both felt we were taking the right path. I was so in love with her, she the same with me, and for an instance she then invites me to burning man out in Los Angeles.
I oblige in the offer, as then what seems as fate serves it up we hit it off like that from when we met. Of course for the first time when we meet up it ends up I stay out that was for an extended week, and then extended my stay out for another. Eventually leading for my leaving for home past that. Then we arrange a Halloween party with her friends and family, at this point, is when I essentially move out that way, we then move out together, as well as for the first year I am Kate, To her friends and family.

This story will go on for quite some time but ultimately, goes down a path in which where leads to today, where after two years together and then 4 years and 11 months married just to get a divorce because I am not truthful to myself, influences of that that turned into twisted issues of many.
Then to today well today marks around a year and a month of coming out to myself finally, and being the one and true Kate.

So this might be a point in itself that I am trying to get at with my own story. I have walked the path of the other side of your scenario. A very real and very awful place, it could be possible that if I could say that the one you care about, this persona is true,but just in a very dangerous place as of right now. She could be bordering through the same path that I have taken upon. And if it may be possible that things may work out, for both you and her, or even a way for her to express who she is, to possibly even to the point of this persona trying to reach out and in a possibility you could help guide the way through to be a guardian angel (this sounds a bit corny right now but seems fitting as per my own story).

I dont know if maybe it may be a possibility to have her reach out to this post of mine and to show that maybe this persona of hers needs to come to an awakening, for my path seems rather congruent with hers.
I'm not sure if this may or may not help you, but in a way maybe give a possibility for her to come to a realization, and maybe then could have a turn for you both to come to a term in which this persona of hers is quite on the familiar path to what I have taken, to possibly get in tune and then even have a happy turnaround for you. Or maybe if I have given a slight insight into what you may be going through.

I hope this is not too long, and possibly may benefit in any way shape or form for what you are going through. If you have any questions, or even of any sort of idea to inquire about, please let me know through this thread, I will keep my eye on it and I will try and get back to you as best I can for any sort of follow up. I do have this through tapatalk, and my messages of recent activity seems to only update to not my current but before the last post kind of thing, and it doesn't allow for me to subscribe to specific threads, but as soon as I do see any sort of post I do check back often and will find it again, and any information you may need I will be my best in giving you answers.

Kate <3

@zirconia: I was a little hurt for a short while, and I do mean a whole hour or so. But love conquers all, right? Hahahaaaa... ~Cries alone.~

@Kate: I'm sorry that that all happened to you and I wish you the best luck for the future. I only wish this was the case here. Sadly when I said this person was neither one of the two types of catfish, I wholeheartedly meant it. She doesn't wish to hurt me, but she also does not want me or secretly wants to be that someone else.

I have talked to her in length about it and it's more like Ziconia said. I was like a role play. One of the first questions I asked is, "Are you trans?" She knows all about this as she had dated many men and woman, 80% which have lied to her and claimed to be trans when they themselves came out as another person or gender. Before the relationship she would get into talks about people lying to her, and after I would hear about the constant 'pathetic' attempts to get her attention.

Her response to that is, "No, I don't consider myself trans." She's not interested in becoming another person. Heck, she's already got career goals and a wedding dress picked out for herself. She is not masculine in any way, shape, or form. Loves very girly things, wants to get cosmetic work done to make herself more feminine. Has no interest in being a man or any one else. She created another person to escape the things she didn't like in her life, but is not the person she pretended to be. And I am not the only victim, I'm just the only one in 6 years who figured it out... That's how long she's had this persona.

Essentially... I was nothing more than the uphill that the snowball finally hit. She'd been lying for so long that the lies just continued to build, and the game just got deeper and deeper. But the absolutely most upsetting part is the fact that she doesn't even love me. Doesn't want me. Doesn't have any romantic interest in me... Yet doesn't want to hurt me and does care about me... I feel like she sees me as......... An author. Like she created a character and that character is so in depth that she feels sorrow when they do, joy when they do, and maybe even love when they do... But has absolutely no attachments to things like they do...

Now I just feel sick again... Sigh...

BioS,
It does seem there may be a deep seeded thing about her though. As such in a lot of MtF the hyper masculinity, deceiving oneself and going into what seems hyperdrive to focus in that motion. It does seem a possible case into hyper femininity. This is how I perceive it anyways.

It could be a secondary possibility under that fathom of some other inescapable inner turmoil, in which to mask herself, and immerse herself in a said character she thus created under a game, a role play. But something that elaborate does have an underlying condition that needs to be addressed unto herself. Only if she is willing to do anything on the whole nature of escaping her box if you can call it that. I was just hoping in part as I have walked the path others may have done the same, and much of your first post had that representation about it all.
I did not create my own to hurt others, play games, but in a way was my path in life in which I did have, granted within my own persona, I did not consider what I know now.

I apologize if I did cause you pain about the whole issue you have. But I know there are a few paths you could take in this recourse. I do not recommend but suggest them as a courtesy. There is the option of (in the possible realm that she has been sheltering herself from the truth of her own) is to help her understand that it is possible, to then hold on tight and wake up. Either stay with her and help her cope with what she does have if there is something else, which may cause undue stress and misery in the ways that yo do care for well her persona and herself. Or even just compose yourself, with more knowledge, and just walk away.

I know it has been a huge struggle on you, and everything needs to fall in place in some way shape or form, and your path whatever you do decide is going to be the right one.

I just hope you hang in there and stay strong.

Kate <3

First off *imaginary hug*

Ive been catfished before. Its truly the worst feeling to find out the person
Youve been sharing your life with is a total stranger.

I don't really have any useful advise or anything.

Just stopped by to give you an imaginary hug.


Don't give up! You'll find your love!

@Kate: Thank you, Kate. I really do appreciate the advice and I think after hearing your story I'm going to try once more to see if there's something I can do. Ironically I came here a while back to get advice on my best friend who was transitioning and dealing with issues of his own. I honestly don't know how to help, but I figure love is probably the first place to start. :}

@Zirconia: And thank you as well, Zirconia. I feel fairly rude for not thanking anyone before. Lost in my own buckets o' tears over here, haha...

@Ptarus: Thank you. I accept and appreciate your hug. It is much welcomed. I'm sorry that this happened to you as well. I wouldn't wish such a horrible feeling on anyone...

I think another horrible part of this is that I wasn't looking for love at all. I was actually trying to avoid it. So now that I have it I feel even worse than I should because I didn't want it in the first place. Hahaha... Hngh...

Thank you for sharing your feelings. I do hope you'll get over what happened soon. 

If anything happens in any way, keep in touch, I would love to hear whatever may happen. And I hope it goes well for you.

Kate <3

Thats the hardest part about love. Its usually beyond our control.

But hey, if you ever need people to talk to the chat on this site is actually full of really nice people.
I assumed it would be a bunch of people trying to creep on each other but its not at all. lol

Just thought I would throw that out there for people who haven't tried it out yet.

Soooo gross... I'm so sorry that you've been through this, BioS.  This is just absolutely detestable.  How can she even live with herself?  This is cold-hearted in the extreme.  She's completely violated your trust, and was never the person you fell in love with.  What an utterly awful human being.  I'd say "just move on" but I know how hard that is.

On the other hand... you're well within your rights to out her.  Why do you want to protect this person who has deceived you?  She's put a huge amount of effort into emotionally torturing you, and now you want to protect her from humiliation?  It's possible that she'll gaslight you: try to convince your friends that you're lying about "him."  Be prepared for that.  Some people may even make the wrong call and side with her.

A friend of mine was a victim of catfishing... she met another gal around her age online, and as they became friends, the gal introduced her to "a boy she knew" and my friend never knew that those two people were the same person until she was already pregnant. 

@Kate: Thanks for your support. So far it's kind of like me trying to show affection, her giving me the cold shoulder, me pulling back, her then apologizing. Rinse and repeat. I think it's safe to say I should probably just disappear and let her do what she wants at this point...

@Ptarus: Yeah. There are a lot of really great people here. That's why this was my first choice to turn to. At least I could rant without rude back lash, haha. Thank you again.

@Sparrow: I wish I could figure it out. I don't like hurting people, and I figure if she is having some kind of an identity issue like Kate suggests than this could make it 1,000 times worse for her. I guess I care too much to see someone I care about get hurt like that.

Hopefully it doesn't come down to us hating each other to that degree of having to prove guilt...

Just still absolutely baffles me that she basically relentlessly wanted to date me, for months I said no. She always made comments about it, always tried being 'different' with me to gain my affection. It got to the point where all of our friends would talk about it and ask why we're not dating and yada ya. Then I agree and when the truth comes out all that wanting/love just gone in a second. I can't wrap my head around it, you know? I'm just absolutely baffled.

I'm sorry. It may be for the best. Some people just dont want help it seems.

Kate <3

I've spoken to her in length about it over the past few days. She is absolutely, 150% sure she is not trans in any way.

Essentially, I have simply decided to walk away and simply remain her friend. Keep my distance and move along. Very sad for me but I shall find the will to live on.

Thanks for listening to all my bitching, all. :}

I'm sorry you had gone through all that trouble. At least it is an experience to say the least and you can walk away with more information.
Of course, any time you may need anything of an ear, a hand, a hug, I'll be somewhere around here.

Kate <3

Quote from: BioS on May 07, 2016, 03:24:04 PM
Just still absolutely baffles me that she basically relentlessly wanted to date me, for months I said no.

waaaaat... chica has problems.

It's not too late for me to chime in, is it?
Just a year ago, I was going through the same sort of thing. I was emotionally invested in another trans girl I befriended on a forum community, only to get heartbroken.  .... (Oy.... my tale is buried in the back pages of the "ARGHHH!" forum by now.)

Looking back, the girl I loved was also into role-playing, and honestly sometimes it was hard to tell if she was in character or not.
Anyway, she abruptly abandoned our forum community, so I started searching for her all over the internet. When I finally got her to talk to me, she told me she fell in love with somebody else in the real world and told me to move on.
That was heartbreaking.

Later on, I came across another forum user, one of her close friends I hadn't met. He told me he was also in an intimate relationship with her, at the same time she was "with" me. It turns out that we both loved the same girl, all the while she was hiding each of us behind our backs. The deceit lasted for most of the whole year.
The bizarre thing is that after she abandoned our forum community, she pretended to be her sister using her account, and told the other "lover" that she had died from cancer, in order to explain why she was gone.
That was obviously a lie.... Really, she was a liar. And a cheater. She didn't have the nerve to be honest from the beginning. Looking back at her personality, I think she has a knack for chewing people up and spitting them out.

I've come to the conclusion that I shan't get in relationships with online friends ever again.


When I was trying to recover from my heartbreak, someone shared with me a quote: "Sometimes, if you stand on the bottom rail of a bridge and lean over to watch the river slipping slowly away beneath you, you will suddenly know everything there is to be known."

Life goes on.

At that point, it was time to find a new hobby to get my mind off everything. Find a new life. Get a new hobby.
At the time, I recently got a Nintendo 3DS, and started playing Animal Crossing: New Leaf. It's a quirky life simulator and it really helped me relax. In it, you maintain a town, and the town changes slowly, little by little, throughout the year. Friends come and go, flowers bloom and wilt, you rearrange your furniture until you're bored. I've played it every singe day since then, and soon I found myself realizing I would barely recognize what my life was like one year ago, as my town has changed so much since then.

That may be off topic, but my point is that eventually, you'll realize you no longer have any room in your life for your ex.

@Kate: Thank you. Haha, it's gotten a bit weird friend wise, as we're both trying to pretend like what happened didn't happen and I think we're not teetering on being in a relationship but not at all. She suggested that we still be together but in a completely unsexual way and that we can see other people... I was like, "Yeaaah, no." I ain't nobodies plan B. > _>; But it's just weird for me, I guess. Thank you for the support, I appreciate it.

@Sparrow: I know... The confusion that is still me... 

@Kat: That sounds very malicious. I'm sorry that happened. I can only imagine how awful that feels, but I'm glad you're doing better. I think you're right about distracting yourself. Sometimes I still feel so sad that I just don't know what to do with myself. Maybe I'll just warp my brain on Skyrim, that's one of those long games you can lose yourself in. Haha. And I remember Animal Crossing from Game Cube. It was wicked cute.

There is a delightful personality disorder called dissociative PD - old term was schizophrenia. Same person, multiple realities. I'm not sure that she has this, from what you're saying, as her male 'persona' is affecting her female reality.

What is clear though, is whilst with you, she feels loved, safe, and cared for - to the extent that she is trying to find compromises that will allow the relationship to continue, you, and she deep down 'clicked' - and that sucks for you both. It could also be a 'safe' option for her to avoid thinking about sex, avoiding other deep seated issues (maybe a victim of a sexually motivated attack in the past, or abuse in some form), that she needs help with - and to be there as a supportive friendly voice in this circumstance is ok, but I would personally limit the relationship there for my own sanity.

You deserve chocolate and hugs, because this is an awful situation to be in.. and the reality is that you can't fix her, only she can.

Take care


Sno

Take care