Jenie in a bottle, Pandora's box, accepting you are trans, extra cereal that spills from a newly  opened box: all things that no matter how you try, you can't put the lid on again. If you do, there is still stuff that got out and you can't ignore.

Trying not to be offended by the fact that I did accept when I was 50 , that I guess was my big thing. I have had symptoms since I was 8 or 9. However, I was too stupid or incredibly good at denial till last year. I now have those wishes show up for the others in my life. If it were just me, I would not travel slowly. I would grab Morpheus' pill and dive down the rabbit hole with full knowledge.

However, I think for each of us the struggle at different points in our life will have different focuses. I'm glad to hear you are feeling better.

I think hope lies in unknown potential and that choice you all spoke of.

Now if you will excuse me, I have to have a bowl of cereal. It just won't fit back in the box...

With warmth,

Joanna

The single most enormous mistake I have ever made was to try and find out if am trans or not. Like others have said, I took the lid of this box to see what might be inside. What I found was depression, confusion, endless amounts of self hatred and there is now no way to make it all fit back in the box. And to top it off, I am no closer to answering the question if I am trans. I have pretty much ruined my life. So I very much wish I had never decided to try and find out. Dumbest thing I ever did.

Quote from: kellykh on May 05, 2016, 02:17:02 PM
This really spoke to me. I had fantasies about having a woman's body. I was very curious and jealous of the girls when I was a teenager, in addition to the attraction I had to them. But I thought it was just a childish fantasy, something that I was sure everyone had at times, but never wanted to admit it. I grew up in a small town in the 80s, where the word 'transgender' didn't exist, nor did the concept. As a result, I never thought anything of it.

Now that I'm in my 40s, I learned that I had bottled up these feelings (along with most emotion in general) very deeply into a box, hidden in the back corner of my psyche. Then one day the box cracked a bit. Stupid me, I went to investigate and the whole thing blew up. After believing I was a cis man for 40+ years, including 15 years of marriage to a woman who I love very dearly, I am forced to face this and question everything about myself.

I wish there were a way to stuff it all back in the box (or better yet, a bigger, stronger box) so life could go back to 'normal'. My wife is quite supportive, but I know deep-down she wishes this didn't happen either. But I can't get it back in, and everyone I've talked to said that when they stuff it back, it always bursts forth again.

I'm still trying to figure out what exactly I am. I'm glad that even though I live in a small-minded town, there is an experience LGBTQ therapist I am seeing. Part of me wishes she could just tell me what I am and how the path for me will be, but I know life doesn't work that way...

I guess I'm not ready to say that I'm glad I learned I am trans yet. Maybe someday I can come to better terms with it, but not yet.

This is me, only FTM.  I've only ever lived in small towns in the south.  I was completely oblivious to what transgender  is.. When I think back over my life I'm not sure how the heck I never came to the full realization much sooner because the signs were all there.  I remember being about 5 and drawing a picture of my family and drawing myself as a boy. My mom questioned me about it and I told her that the boy was me, I can't remember exactly what she said. I dont think it was anything harsh; just her explaining I was a girl and not a boy, but I remember crying and feeling crushed and also like I was in trouble. I really felt I was a boy and thought my "boy parts" would grow later or something. I haven't came out to her yet and wonder if she still remembers that.

One of my biggest fears is losing my husband and children over this.  I came out to him four months ago and slowly but fully changed my gender expression  to full on masculine and so far he has been very accepting which is a good sign I think.  Still don't know if we will survive me transitioning though.  I just know I can't shove it back in and I will transition eventually.

I wish you the best of luck on your journey.

Quote from: jayne01 on May 05, 2016, 04:42:40 PM
The single most enormous mistake I have ever made was to try and find out if am trans or not. Like others have said, I took the lid of this box to see what might be inside. What I found was depression, confusion, endless amounts of self hatred and there is now no way to make it all fit back in the box. And to top it off, I am no closer to answering the question if I am trans. I have pretty much ruined my life. So I very much wish I had never decided to try and find out. Dumbest thing I ever did.

So sorry you are having such a rough time. I wish I could give you some good advice but I'm pretty new to this.  PM me if you ever need someone to talk to. If nothing else, I'm a good listener.

Quote from: Joanna50 on May 05, 2016, 04:20:38 PM
Jenie in a bottle, Pandora's box, accepting you are trans, extra cereal that spills from a newly  opened box: all things that no matter how you try, you can't put the lid on again. If you do, there is still stuff that got out and you can't ignore.

Trying not to be offended by the fact that I did accept when I was 50 , that I guess was my big thing. I have had symptoms since I was 8 or 9. However, I was too stupid or incredibly good at denial till last year. I now have those wishes show up for the others in my life. If it were just me, I would not travel slowly. I would grab Morpheus' pill and dive down the rabbit hole with full knowledge.

However, I think for each of us the struggle at different points in our life will have different focuses. I'm glad to hear you are feeling better.

I think hope lies in unknown potential and that choice you all spoke of.

Now if you will excuse me, I have to have a bowl of cereal. It just won't fit back in the box...

With warmth,

Joanna

Your reply made me Lol so thanks for that.

I think about this a lot, when other parts of my life are not in the front of my head. I wish I could just be a girly girl or a butch lesbian or something like that. What helps me though is accepting the fact that I am transgender and this is a part of me. If I am going to love myself, then I have to accept this part of me too even if it is hard. Just like I may not like some other aspects of myself, I still have to accept them and love them as a part of who I am. Telling yourself over and over again, I love myself I love myself, might help. Because if you truly love yourself then you love yourself as a whole. And part of that whole is transgender. If Transitioning is something that you know will help you, don't be afraid of it, be patient and be kind to yourself about it. The hardest thing might be waiting when you can accept that you feel the way you do. Lastly I want to say I'm in this same tough spot. It's hard for me to feel this way and acknowledge it. But I still try every day because I love myself and I deserve to give myself what i need. If you love yourself you can give yourself what you need by accepting who you are and being patient, kind, and understanding to your needs

Quote from: jayne01 on May 05, 2016, 04:42:40 PM
The single most enormous mistake I have ever made was to try and find out if am trans or not. Like others have said, I took the lid of this box to see what might be inside. What I found was depression, confusion, endless amounts of self hatred and there is now no way to make it all fit back in the box. And to top it off, I am no closer to answering the question if I am trans. I have pretty much ruined my life. So I very much wish I had never decided to try and find out. Dumbest thing I ever did.

Hi Jayne, would you be able to elaborate on this? I would request that you PM me but looks like I don't have the post count/reputation yet to reply. I feel I am in a similar spot as you. In what ways did you remove the lid and in what ways were you hurt by this? Thanks.

Hi Rachel, I'll send you a message later today if that is ok. I don't have time right now.

Quote from: rachel_grr on May 06, 2016, 01:58:49 AM
Hi Jayne, would you be able to elaborate on this? I would request that you PM me but looks like I don't have the post count/reputation yet to reply. I feel I am in a similar spot as you. In what ways did you remove the lid and in what ways were you hurt by this? Thanks.

If you look through those links we spread all over the place, it does state that you may PM  and use and avatar after 15 quality posts. So you are almost there.

Site Terms of Service & Rules to Live By	Standard Terms & Definitions	Post Ranks (including when you can upload an avatar)
Reputation rules	News posting & quoting guidelines	Photo, avatars, & signature images policy

That info is under Post Ranks.

Joanna

Quote from: jayne01 on May 05, 2016, 04:42:40 PM
The single most enormous mistake I have ever made was to try and find out if am trans or not. Like others have said, I took the lid of this box to see what might be inside. What I found was depression, confusion, endless amounts of self hatred and there is now no way to make it all fit back in the box. And to top it off, I am no closer to answering the question if I am trans. I have pretty much ruined my life. So I very much wish I had never decided to try and find out. Dumbest thing I ever did.

Jayne,

I have posted on one of your other threads several times. It is a tough point to get to and get through.  i try not to tell anyone to do something. I will occasionally give advice, however, I might be able to give you another self diagnosis tool.

If you really feel strongly that you are not sure you are transgender then stop. Give it up and just focus on the rest of your life. If you are not transgender, you can kind of move on. (It was just a phase, right?) However, what I did not put in detail earlier in this thread(trying to keep it light hearted) is the symptoms continuing. If you are transgender, it will not go away, ever. Even if you distract yourself for  awhile, it will come back.

I guess my advice to anyone so distressed is to stop for  a while(make sure it is for a while- you now have a habit to break and that takes about 3 weeks). I pushed it off for years. I do not regret my children or the love of my wife(life?). However, with no disrespect to anyone at any age I feel I wish I had realized and accepted much earlier. I have spent years thinking I was evil, and twisted deep down, smiling on the surface. Years of the self hatred you made mention of. That is the only risk you run in trying this. If you are transgender, I will repeat,  it never goes away. Then you wish you knew earlier(but everyone does. even the 17 year olds, maybe younger).

lil_red, I hope I have not taken away from the subject. I think it is a similar thing you are facing to Jayne. I have moments where I know I can't put it back, but wonder if I couldn't just keep on faking it. Life would be easier, right? Right.....

With warmth and hope,

Joanna

Quote from: Joanna50 on May 06, 2016, 09:02:03 AM
Jayne,

I have posted on one of your other threads several times. It is a tough point to get to and get through.  i try not to tell anyone to do something. I will occasionally give advice, however, I might be able to give you another self diagnosis tool.

If you really feel strongly that you are not sure you are transgender then stop. Give it up and just focus on the rest of your life. If you are not transgender, you can kind of move on. (It was just a phase, right?) However, what I did not put in detail earlier in this thread(trying to keep it light hearted) is the symptoms continuing. If you are transgender, it will not go away, ever. Even if you distract yourself for  awhile, it will come back.

I guess my advice to anyone so distressed is to stop for  a while(make sure it is for a while- you now have a habit to break and that takes about 3 weeks). I pushed it off for years. I do not regret my children or the love of my wife(life?). However, with no disrespect to anyone at any age I feel I wish I had realized and accepted much earlier. I have spent years thinking I was evil, and twisted deep down, smiling on the surface. Years of the self hatred you made mention of. That is the only risk you run in trying this. If you are transgender, I will repeat,  it never goes away. Then you wish you knew earlier(but everyone does. even the 17 year olds, maybe younger).

lil_red, I hope I have not taken away from the subject. I think it is a similar thing you are facing to Jayne. I have moments where I know I can't put it back, but wonder if I couldn't just keep on faking it. Life would be easier, right? Right.....

With warmth and hope,

Joanna

You have not taken away from my post in any way.  For me, it's not that I don't accept or know if I'm transgender because I do fully accept it.  The reason that I want to shove it back in is because I feel like I have this impossible choice to make and  I am not ready to accept the possible  consequences no matter which one I choose. If I were not married to the most amazing man and have three wonderful children with him it would be a no-brainer. I would be at the doctor office begging them to shoot me up with man juice tomorrow [emoji1]

Sent from my SM-S902L using Tapatalk

Quote from: lil_red on May 06, 2016, 10:07:08 AM
You have not taken away from my post in any way.  For me, it's not that I don't accept or know if I'm transgender because I do fully accept it.  The reason that I want to shove it back in is because I feel like I have this impossible choice to make and  I am not ready to accept the possible  consequences no matter which one I choose. If I were not married to the most amazing man and have three wonderful children with him it would be a no-brainer. I would be at the doctor office begging them to shoot me up with man juice tomorrow [emoji1]

Sent from my SM-S902L using Tapatalk

Thanks. Jayne has been struggling with the idea that there is no medical proof of being transgender and it is often considered self diagnosed.

Except for age differences, you and I are mirror images (except I don't hate you and the image I see in a mirror...) Yeah, for me the hard part (at the moment)is really about my family. As I understand it "the hard part" shifts depending on where one is in the journey.

I do hope you are feeling better. You are not alone in these feelings and thoughts.

Feel free to PM if you ever need to.

With warmth,

Joanna

Quote from: Joanna50 on May 06, 2016, 09:02:03 AM
If you are transgender, it will not go away, ever. Even if you distract yourself for  awhile, it will come back.

Hey Joanne, you were the moderator that sent me a PM about my edited and moved thread  , but I'm at 15 posts now!

Would you say that going off to college and then working after and not practicing any crossdressing for 10 years to be a good break? Wanting to be a girl was only contained in my head and through sexual and less-sexual fantasies. Then after 10 years I finally decided to get my first two pairs of female jeans, and like the OP mentioned I feel like pandora's box was opened, and 2 years later I have a huge closet of female clothes I try to wear as much as possible and am considering short-term hormones.

Quote from: rachel_grr on May 06, 2016, 12:33:43 PMWould you say that going off to college and then working after and not practicing any crossdressing for 10 years to be a good break? Wanting to be a girl was only contained in my head and through sexual and less-sexual fantasies. Then after 10 years I finally decided to get my first two pairs of female jeans, and like the OP mentioned I feel like pandora's box was opened, and 2 years later I have a huge closet of female clothes I try to wear as much as possible and am considering short-term hormones.

Yeah, I suspect that such 'breaks' are not uncommon.  I stopped trying to present as female when my parents got me those 'vitamin shots' at age 15 (very likely testosterone considering that I basically went insane, got hairy, dropped grades, etc afterward).  I made it to my late 20s, by which time I was married with kidlets. I finally figured out what I was in my early 30s, then tried to bury it.  She wouldn't stay buried, though.   See avatar...

Quote from: rachel_grr on May 06, 2016, 12:33:43 PM
Hey Joanne, you were the moderator that sent me a PM about my edited and moved thread  , but I'm at 15 posts now!

Would you say that going off to college and then working after and not practicing any crossdressing for 10 years to be a good break? Wanting to be a girl was only contained in my head and through sexual and less-sexual fantasies. Then after 10 years I finally decided to get my first two pairs of female jeans, and like the OP mentioned I feel like pandora's box was opened, and 2 years later I have a huge closet of female clothes I try to wear as much as possible and am considering short-term hormones.

I'd say try to avoid a seesaw pattern of repression and breakthroughs.
You might look for an experienced gender therapist to help.
And it may be possible to start with a low dose of hormones to see how they make you feel.


hugs

Quote from: rachel_grr on May 06, 2016, 12:33:43 PM
Hey Joanne, you were the moderator that sent me a PM about my edited and moved thread  , but I'm at 15 posts now!

Would you say that going off to college and then working after and not practicing any crossdressing for 10 years to be a good break? Wanting to be a girl was only contained in my head and through sexual and less-sexual fantasies. Then after 10 years I finally decided to get my first two pairs of female jeans, and like the OP mentioned I feel like pandora's box was opened, and 2 years later I have a huge closet of female clothes I try to wear as much as possible and am considering short-term hormones.

More than enough time. Yes. I was more thinking a year at most. Unless all urges or thoughts of it went away.

Really though, I had times in my life between work, kids and life where an urge would creep up but I was distracted. Not till I got to have some sleep and time to myself that(not to mention severe work pressure) it would all kick in again.

I highly second Laura_7's suggestion of the therapist. Specialized or a generic one helps, initially. Then you can move to a specialist. The only problem with generic therapists is they are not always up to date on our issues.

Rachel_Grr, I imagine you can do private messages, see other's profile and use an avatar now, right?

Hope your journey can smooth out.

With warmth,

Joanna

Quote from: Joanna50 on May 06, 2016, 04:17:20 PM
I highly second Laura_7's suggestion of the therapist. Specialized or a generic one helps, initially. Then you can move to a specialist. The only problem with generic therapists is they are not always up to date on our issues.

Joanna

I don't want to hijack this thread, so I'm going to end this discussion with this post:

https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,208991.msg1852065.html#msg1852065

I actually started seeing some therapists but looks like I'm learning the hard way what you mean about them not being up to date.

Just watched the Dr Who episode with the Pandorica. Basically an inescapable prison for the most dangerous being in the universe.

I cried during it thinking about how I was trapped inside "him" like my own Pandorica. Opening the box set me free. There may be challenges and I may get hurt along the way but I would never willingly go back into that box.

Definitely in the so glad I know category.
No regrets

Quote from: Jerrica on May 07, 2016, 07:33:38 PM
Just watched the Dr Who episode with the Pandorica. Basically an inescapable prison for the most dangerous being in the universe.

I cried during it thinking about how I was trapped inside "him" like my own Pandorica. Opening the box set me free. There may be challenges and I may get hurt along the way but I would never willingly go back into that box.

Definitely in the so glad I know category.
No regrets

A horribly accurate analogy.  Knowing, and doing something about it is better to me than being trapped by dysphoria and a black suicidal depression.  I couldn't function that way any longer, but didn't particularly want to die.  I'm trying as hard as I can to acknowledge who I really am, and I refuse to get back into that box, even though others around me might be more comfortable if I did.

In the tradeoff between the (transphobic) discomfort of others, and my very life, I choose life.

Fundamentally that's what it comes down to.  Does transphobia, both internalized and social, keep us in the box, or can we get past the fear, take a long hard look at ourselves, and decide what our true nature is without the fear meddling with our decision process.

I like your acknowledgement of it being "my very life" as I was effectively dead before.

At the risk of hitting Dr Who twice for analogies the whole regeneration thing resonates with me. I have all of Gerard's memories but I am not him. I came alive when he died (and my body is changing too though not as fast). There is nothing I can do except be me so I guess that makes a lot of things easier as there is no choice I simply am Jerrica.

Yeah defo setting myself up for one of those unfashionable long sleeved jackets that buckle round the back now.