Ya, so I still haven't figured out what to do exactly, I have many qualifications, and many skills, but entry level positions won't pay the bills, much less help with transitioning.... I pretty much have to transition careers and gender simultaneously, without sacrificing wages.
So, statistically speaking, the most logical reason for our existence is that we are a simulation run by either humans in the future, or an alien (to us) race. Not that I think it's true, but the way my life works, it makes it feel true. And then makes me feel fake... which I feel even more now that I feel like I need to change gender... and then I feel like I have no real control over my life. I can't advance, all I can do is exist. I long to do more than just exist. I want to BE. I want to make real choices, not between what is responsible and what's not. Not between what's right and what's wrong. Not about how to deal with a situation. I want to choose between things that I want. I want more life choices that are like choosing between cute shirts. I hate that every choice I make in life is between existing in one kind of difficult struggle or another. I have always been a strong person, but even the biggest bodybuilder has their limit.... and I feel myself pushing harder everyday just to not be sad or to feel, well, like trying to not feel sad. On my best days, the days when I am good at pretending I am happy, I am truly indifferent. How do I look forward to living for the next however many years, when all I feel I have to look forward to is depression or I difference? How do people see reasons to live more than responsibility?
I apologize for the long-winded whine session, it just kind of came out... what I really meant to do is talk about that statistical theory, and I guess it just brought up some feelings that I didn't realize were so close to the surface this evening.... recurring issue the last few days Huh?
Well, thank you all for putting up with it. And I hope you all have a great day/night!!!!
