I'm glad you do reply in fact I like talking to you

Funny thing about my parents is they claim I can tell them anything about how I feel and such but when it's against their wishes or something similar then they get all mad and they wonder why I'm secretive nowadays. But yeah if I could cord this instant I sure as heck would.

As for making a plan to get out the way my living situation is right now I just don't know where to start and not driving makes it more difficult. By the way I actually live in a small rural community and the town I live nearby is like 10-15 minutes away.

I do have money saved up like about $1300 in a savings account and some money I earned working at Walmart last year. I wanna use that to start hrt with I'm hoping Planned Parenthood's sliding scale will work and hoping the minimal I'll have to pay is either $50 or $100.

I did apply to a call center and it was one the few places I applied for that considered my application but there was a problem you had to take a test and pass it with a certain percentage in order to get hired. I failed the test each time and they have a limit before they stop taking in your application and I reached that limit already so they won't hire me now. It's probably a good thing anyway cause I have friends that worked there and it's one of those that push quotas and if you fail to meet those quotas they fire you and the turnover rate is horrendous from what I hear due to that. Not a great place for slow workers. Clerical work?? Is it possible for someone like me to do that kind of work without getting fired for being too slow or for not cut out??

P.s. What kind of dog do you have??


 

After years of wondering what mix of breed she is exactly, I'm now pretty sure Mélyssa is just a black German Shepherd, probably what they call a runt, that is the smallest of the litter, so she weighs about 95 pounds and is the reason I'm out walking the streets and in parcs at least 2 hours a day... or night. She is very protective, children when I walk near schoolyards often say Ohhh did you see the wolf? She's very gentle with kids, was raised with mines.

She turned out to be an alpha female, she's actually such a bitch queen I can't go to dog parcs, she needs to be on top of the social pyramid. She actually fought her way up 3-4 times when she was 2 years old (without my consent), and now she is certain she is DA queen and barks after every dog we meet to challenge it. If it's a male, everything is ok, if it's a female, she better respect her queen status. So forget about a discrete trans trying not to be noticed too much, she makes sure everyone looks at us. Totally the opposite of my attitude in life. Ah well, I guess we do the pair. But now, she is 10.5 years old, and her legs hurt, and she knows she can't run faster than these low life mutts she meets, so she barks louder.

Quote from: EmilyRyan on June 23, 2016, 09:20:13 PM
Funny thing about my parents is they claim I can tell them anything about how I feel and such but when it's against their wishes or something similar then they get all mad and they wonder why I'm secretive nowadays.

sounds very familiar.

You know, 6 or 7 years ago when I was seeing my therapist for my gender dyshoria, she, and this is also why your situation reminds me of mine, she told me I had too many issues to start any kind of transition right now, that sending me this way would be like throwing someone in the river when you know they don't know how to swim. Then we talked about my mother. Well I... psychologists don't talk very much. Obviously I had unsolved issues with my mother, it came out. So after many sessions on the subject, I came to the conclusion that I should have probably cut ties with my mother a long time ago. And I still didn't. All my life I deeply wanted to please my mother, and very often thought what I was doing would do that, but... no, never. There is no way I can be what she thinks I should be and I should have realized that before and tell her: Don't have any expectations, I will never in no way be what you want me to be. I'm a total rebel and I think the world as it is needs to be changed, not me adapting to it. Well, hey, I'm autistic, that's why I think that. Autistic people need to understand the process and the end of the process: how and why. When you say this to your boss... he replies: Just do what I tell you! Anyways, story of my life, there is not one process I can join or do if it doesn't seem logical or optimum in my head. I analyze everything coldly with not a drop of respect for any hierarchy that I cannot understand and have no value to me. I just can't see the point of this guy telling me to do a stupid action repetitively. The 2 jobs I kept the longest, 3 years and 2 times 2 years at the same place, they really needed my services, not that many qualified persons wanting to go live in that small town. I challenged my bosses every day, telling them I know better, by-passing two of my direct bosses to go see the president in his office... I'm amazed I was able to add up the equivalent of 20 years of full time work.

So parents... I really don't understand why people want their children to be this and that. I have children and have absolutely no plans for them, it's their life. I did my best to give them all the tools they need to make their own decisions... How about asking your child what flavor of life he/she wants?

But most people think they know what is best for their children. They are wrong and most of these children make believe they follow their parents recommendations and actually do not at all. But I'm autistic and I cannot make believe, that's why I always end up with big clashes like quitting my job right on the spot. It comes down to a no-no in my head. I cannot just lower my eyes and say yes sir, I just can't.

And I spent my life explaining myself, and realized only a few years ago that not only nobody ever understood what I was saying, they weren't even listening, as my speech is so full of stuff and somewhat chaotic that I just lose everyone... neurotypicals. I'm ok with other autistics who can generally follow.

All this to say that you are very good if you succeed at make believe, but this is undermining you.

I worked 2 years in a call center, it wasn't commercial, was for the radio and tv ratings, which is in Canada a consortium of all the radio and tv's, so not a private company per say, but they still had quotas to be filled. You can't escape this in this world: you need to be productive. There was one place where it was noticed I was much slower than others, but it was a shop making very expensive custom furniture, and they chose to keep me instead of other dudes who they tried and were fast but not paying enough attention to small details and also I was always very careful not to damage the expensive piece we were working on. They would have rather I was faster but finally chose quality over production.

But even in shops or offices where quality is preferred to production, there is always a limit to the slowness they can tolerate. But at the call center, I have a good voice (too deep now but then it was good haha) and I was able without much effort to meet the goals. They actually had realist objectives, only the real lazy ones couldn't meet the quotas.

Clerical work is probably the most boring but I got to work in many different offices doing replacements. I was employed by a personnel agency and businesses call there to get temporary staffing for office work. I worked at different floors of the National Bank headquarters, some jobs were rigt down boring, cutting piles of reports for days and days, some were very freaky like the the traders floor where I had to deliver faxes to people I don't know, and they are all so very in a hurry to get the fax sent to Tokyo or Francfurt... well back then, before Internet. Banks sell these i don't how to say in English, you buy these for your your retirement and they give you a tax credit. It's a big rush of work and I had for weeks every night after university to add up and balance piles of these papers of customers who bought these things... that kind of work, or I also went to government places where I had strictly nothing to do for 3 weeks, that was kind of hard actally. My only qualifications for the agency was that I could type 40 words a minute, that I knew how to use a calculator to do additions and could write with an ok grammar and spelling. Oh well yes bilingual, I'm bilingual, French is my 1st language. Do you speak Spanish? I saw that a lot in ads for jobs in the US, even in Nashville

But see, large cities offer more opportunities as there are all these offices and headquarters needing part time staff. In a large city, there are many big hospitals, each needing tons of employees with no skills, empty trashes and sweep the floor, in the kitchen, in the laundry dept., at the parking, and many other institutions like that.

Just checked now and Nashville has many health institutions, they surely need staff with little skills but dedicated.

Ok so listen, I talk, I talk, but it's better to get things done.

You need a temporary job in Nashville, can you get there daily? Or a permanent job that you will quit when you have enough money...

cause here is a draft of your plan:
1- get on my own
2- exit Tennessee

so scratch that, number one to do that is money, so you need a job in Tennessee. You need money. You cant leave to Washington State with only 1500$ Well you could, but that leaves you no margin, so you need more. And anyways you wanted to save that for HRT... but in my opinion, HRT will have to wait a while, unless you decide to transition in Tennessee.

So here are links for that. You have no choice but to go through this again unless you remember of a rich and open uncle living out West. No choice, Emily, you need to run into that wall till it breaks.

no exp needed: http://www.indeed.com/cmp/Knowledge-Services/jobs/Data-Entry-Clerk-34b33403f6e6d89d?q=Data+Entry+Clerk

http://www.amtemps.com/apply/index.htm

https://www.roberthalf.com/officeteam/job-search/nashville-tn/mailroom-assistant/43665424?keywords=General+Office+Clerk&location=Nashville%2C+TN&h1=Search+General+Office+Clerk+Jobs+in+Nashville%2C+TN&breadcrumbs=

https://www.expresspros.com/NNashvilleTN/Job-Seekers/Hiring-Process/Default.aspx#

more tomorrow 

Quote from: Soli on June 24, 2016, 12:02:02 AM
So parents... I really don't understand why people want their children to be this and that. I have children and have absolutely no plans for them, it's their life. I did my best to give them all the tools they need to make their own decisions... How about asking your child what flavor of life he/she wants?

Yeah I don't get it either

I know I need to not only move out but I actually need to do it before August or they're gonna find out I haven't sign back up for classes I just can't tell them I don't wanna be a teacher (and also not suitable) my dad's reaction sure isn't gonna be good I'm terrified to tell him.

Quote from: Soli on June 24, 2016, 12:02:02 AM
And I spent my life explaining myself, and realized only a few years ago that not only nobody ever understood what I was saying, they weren't even listening, as my speech is so full of stuff and somewhat chaotic that I just lose everyone... neurotypicals. I'm ok with other autistics who can generally follow.

I tend to lose people as well when talking even my parents.

Quote from: Soli on June 24, 2016, 12:02:02 AM
But see, large cities offer more opportunities as there are all these offices and headquarters needing part time staff. In a large city, there are many big hospitals, each needing tons of employees with no skills, empty trashes and sweep the floor, in the kitchen, in the laundry dept., at the parking, and many other institutions like that.

They may have jobs but sadly most of them don't pay enough to help cover living costs even if you're living within your means. People around where I live struggle even to pay $450 month rent and that housing affordability crisis I kepp mentioning it's real and not getting any better. Trust me it's tough paying even under $500 rent when jobs don't pay enough.

Quote from: Soli on June 24, 2016, 12:02:02 AM
Do you speak Spanish? I saw that a lot in ads for jobs in the US, even in Nashville

I do not I could never grasp learning another language no matter how hard I tried.

Quote from: Soli on June 24, 2016, 12:02:02 AM
But even in shops or offices where quality is preferred to production, there is always a limit to the slowness they can tolerate. But at the call center, I have a good voice (too deep now but then it was good haha) and I was able without much effort to meet the goals. They actually had realist objectives, only the real lazy ones couldn't meet the quotas.

Whatever job I manage to land I can only hope they'll overlook my "slowness" and simply see that I'm the type of worker that can get the job done. Yes I'll do whatever I can to overcome being slow but all in the end I just can't help it.

Quote from: Soli on June 24, 2016, 12:02:02 AM
so scratch that, number one to do that is money, so you need a job in Tennessee. You need money. You cant leave to Washington State with only 1500$ Well you could, but that leaves you no margin, so you need more. And anyways you wanted to save that for HRT... but in my opinion, HRT will have to wait a while, unless you decide to transition in Tennessee.

The dysphoria I continue to have waiting any much longer to start hrt feels like a death sentence and plus I like to start while I'm still young so I have a chance to pass. So I'm crazily willing to start hrt even without a job and besides if Planned Parenthood's sliding scale works in my favor I wouldn't have to pay that much anyway (possibly under $100 including blood work).

Well anyhow I look forward to talking more

Quote from: EmilyRyan on June 25, 2016, 12:11:44 AM
I know I need to not only move out but I actually need to do it before August

I see. Well that's in 5 weeks. I understand you fear your father's reaction but how bad can that be? Violent? After all, as I understand it, it's not a choice you did, just that you failed the tests, right? How can he be mad after you for that? What can the outcome be you think? He throws you out? Without money? Sometimes we can be wrong about someone's eventual reaction. But if you think it could be violent, better avoid it, but if you are not ready to go, it's not a better situation.

Quote from: EmilyRyan on June 25, 2016, 12:11:44 AM
The dysphoria I continue to have waiting any much longer to start hrt feels like a death sentence and plus I like to start while I'm still young so I have a chance to pass. So I'm crazily willing to start hrt even without a job

I totally understand that, I started HRT with no means and without knowing where it would lead me (and now I'm starting to look like a girl with a mustache for I cannot afford hair removal), I just had to do it. But, but... we're not the same age and what weighted very much in that decision I took was that the time I have left of relative youth is very short. Still, it had been 7 years I was holding it, well I had doubt about my transsexuality for all my life, but it's only 7 years ago that I really realized. I didn't do it because my son was a teen then and I didn't want him to grow up with a trans dad. Seven years and I was old.

Your decision to transition doesn't have any direct impact on anybody except your parents so you have no reason to wait and I understand, if I was in your place, I'd probably also want to rush it before it's to late to pass, I understand. But what is a few months to learn to swim and succeed in crossing the river as opposed to jumping right now and drawn mid-way?

And if you start HRT and run out of money and have to stop? I couldn't go back, I'd totally freak out. I could have waited longer to start HRT though, I'm sure I could have.

Anyways, I find that your attitude changed in the tone of your posts, you seem more relaxed, that's very good. Anger and despair are not the best friends when taking crucial decisions.

I often freaked out in the past about events, decisions... and now, even when the situation seems desperate, my attitude is to tell myself that I should survive and be OK, and my (crappy) life will go on. It's always what happened in the past in these situations. Rough moment, head down, hang on to a tree... with minimal planning, things should turn out.

So uhhh, you don't want to waste time looking for a job in Tennessee?

Quote from: Soli on June 25, 2016, 01:03:42 AM
I see. Well that's in 5 weeks. I understand you fear your father's reaction but how bad can that be? Violent? After all, as I understand it, it's not a choice you did, just that you failed the tests, right? How can he be mad after you for that? What can the outcome be you think? He throws you out? Without money? Sometimes we can be wrong about someone's eventual reaction. But if you think it could be violent, better avoid it, but if you are not ready to go, it's not a better situation.

He's never been violent thankfully but when he expresses his frustration it's not pretty (lot of curse words and borderline verbal abuse) and since I been attending community college his frustration toward me has been somewhat worse especially the day before my graduation when I told him that it was gonna take an additional two semesters to get into the teaching program he threw such a fit. He still blames me for failing the four year college I attended prior and he still thinks I just didn't try. At this point I don't know how to deal with him the way he gets mad it scares me. Oh and he's been paying my tuition each semester of community college never even asked him to do it either. I love him for everything he's done for me but I wish he learn to calm down for once and listen and not blow up.

So yeah I need to escape within five weeks or I'm sure the worst is to be expected

Quote from: Soli on June 25, 2016, 01:03:42 AM
So uhhh, you don't want to waste time looking for a job in Tennessee?

Well I probably have no choice but to do so it's that the way my living situation is I gotta escape from home first before I can even get a job if I do it now while still living at home no one is gonna drive me all the way to Nashville. To make things worse I really have no one to turn to for when I do get out I have been trying out reach out talking to people in the area but it seems no one else wants to communicate. So does this mean I'm stuck to impeding doom come August??

  Since I've been a member here I am amazed at seeing how many of you have it hard, much harder than I did. The legal and medical procedures are so much less complicated here in Canada and no bathroom debates and no mass killings, etc... Anyway, good luck Emily and everybody, I wish I could help. As for me, the only family problems I have is that I don't have none but I don't care, seems like it's better like that anyway, it's friends I need, new friends. For the first time in my life I feel like I'm drowning in an endless sea of loneliness but I have no one to talk to so no one knows and I'm fed up with that. The video is boring and useless I know, it's only me suffering but if anyone sees it, someone will know. Rose. (I don't like doing this, at all)

My situation has sorta taken a turn for the worse I seriously need a temporary place to stay asap

I hope you're OK. What do you mean for the worst?

Well you wanted to leave, so... looks like this is the time. They're kicking you out?

I thought so but no they're just mt dad getting on my case and making me feel bad cause I so far I spent my summer not having a job and thinks I'm lazy and what not. I wish they would just tell me to leave it would be a lot easier.

Quote from: Soli on June 25, 2016, 01:03:42 AM
I often freaked out in the past about events, decisions... and now, even when the situation seems desperate, my attitude is to tell myself that I should survive and be OK, and my (crappy) life will go on. It's always what happened in the past in these situations. Rough moment, head down, hang on to a tree... with minimal planning, things should turn out.

just a storm, life goes on after a storm. Don't panic, let life be. I will be.

(and yes, somehow you will work... get back to your plan)
:-)

I'm certain your parents want the best for you, they're not going to thrash you

All they seem to do is thrash me about(verbally) I feel like I'm nothing but a punching bag sometimes for them.

Quote from: EmilyRyan on June 25, 2016, 12:11:44 AM
...may have jobs but sadly most of them don't pay enough to help cover living costs even if you're living within your means. People around where I live struggle even to pay $450 month rent and that housing affordability crisis I kepp mentioning it's real and not getting any better. Trust me it's tough paying even under $500 rent when jobs don't pay enough.

wanna see my budget?

How are you Emily?

Emily you should go finish those 2 semesters and get your teachers degree,you will be amazed how many teachers transitioned on the job.
I'm sorry of I sound harsh but I can't handle pity parties,I have worked alot of jobs I didn't like but I was good at doing those jobs. I've never in my life had time for pity parties for I have a hard time understanding the need for pity parties,you would be amazed many people like you tried truck driving and excelled for all you do is take freight from point A to point B,their are jobs out there but you have to want to work. Like I said I never had problems finding work,because of my reputation jobs usually come looking for me.

Quote from: cheryl reeves on June 27, 2016, 12:27:25 PM
Emily you should go finish those 2 semesters and get your teachers degree,you will be amazed how many teachers transitioned on the job.
I'm sorry of I sound harsh but I can't handle pity parties,I have worked alot of jobs I didn't like but I was good at doing those jobs. I've never in my life had time for pity parties for I have a hard time understanding the need for pity parties,you would be amazed many people like you tried truck driving and excelled for all you do is take freight from point A to point B,their are jobs out there but you have to want to work. Like I said I never had problems finding work,because of my reputation jobs usually come looking for me.

Wish you wouldn't be harsh I already get enough ridicule by my parents and such

I've already finished those semesters up with the last one being completed in May and unfortunately I don't have the gpa to get into the teaching problem at MTSU nor into any other teaching programs at other state colleges across Tennessee. I have a 2.2 a 3.0 minimum is required so yeah feel free to ridicule me over that too I guess.

Also not all of us are as lucky to be able to find work and land a job like you

Emily I'm harsh because I been there and have the badge to prove it. I've been diagnoised with ptsd,anti social disorder and depression along with anger issues oh forgot I'm impatient when it comes to getting a job done so most times work alone. When I was trying to get my disability social security made me see a shrink and he freaked on how I function just fine without pills..I was forced by the school for 3yrs to see a psychologist one time she told me they were going to drug me,that backfired on them. The reason why I'm harsh is because I didn't let a disability and psychological problems slow me down from living. If you tried to walk a mile in my moccasins you would get down the driveway and come back and throw them at me and tell me your problems aren't that bad after all..Believe me I could tell you stories that would curl your toenails.

Still no need to be harsh....

Sometimes one needs a kick in the arse,I had mine one night playing chicken with a 18 wheeler on a bicycle while drunk as a skunk. I had a decision to make,picked myself up out of the ditch brushed myself off and started living,got married 6yrs later and going on 28yrs of marriage and a son and daughter I'm proud of. I'm transexual but got used to be a guy and my wife is accepting of me dressing. So sometimes one needs a wake up call.

Do you often pick on people like this??

Everyone suffers in their own way. People handle that stuff differently and at different paces. What might take a week for someone to deal with, can take a month for another person, and still years for many others.

Emily, the only thing I can say is to find something to hold on to and keep trying. I mentioned in my reply a few pages back that something that helps me is trying to focus on my end goals. When I was young, it was reading and drawing. In high school, it was seeing best friend in the hall each morning. After graduation, it was my part-time job. For me, I have to find something to try for in order to keep trying (and hopefully make some progress). I would have stopped trying back in 2007 if it wasn't for the small things that kept me going. It mightn't work for you as everyone is different, it is just a suggestion. Do keep posting though, it's good to get everything out every once in a while and sometimes learn from others advice. Remember that you are progressing just by posting on here.

Edit: On a side note Emily, I like your profile picture. It's one of my favorite Pokémon.

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Quote from: cheryl reevesThe reason why I'm harsh is because I didn't let a disability and psychological problems slow me down from living. If you tried to walk a mile in my moccasins you would get down the driveway and come back and throw them at me and tell me your problems aren't that bad after all..Believe me I could tell you stories that would curl your toenails
...
Sometimes one needs a kick in the arse,I had mine one night playing chicken with a 18 wheeler on a bicycle while drunk as a skunk.

cheryl reeves, I understand your perspective. With my sister, I think If I can do it, why can't you? It's hard for me to remember not everyone thinks the way I do. My sister's perspective is the same from her side. These days if we can't sympathize, we don't respond to each other's complaints because it's better than fighting.
It's great that you have reached a point where you dealt with and/or overcame your stuff, but others are still struggling. You said that you reached a point where you were playing chicken with an 18 wheeler. Not everyone has reached their own version of "an 18 wheeler" yet, and if they did they mightn't be ready or able to overcome it at this point in their life.
Patience, understanding and sympathy can go a long way. Yes, sometimes people need a reality check or a push. But in some cases, a "kick in the arse" might be what sends them over the edge as tough love doesn't always work for everyone.