God (that I do not believe in) I love my wife (whim actually exists). She can make me feel better no matter how bad I feel.

Fantastic

I want to stop. I want to not have ever existed. I don't want to battle life and stereotypes and ignorant people. But I can't. I have to win. I have to go on because that is who I am. Even though I feel so weak, so... useless, I cannot stop.

Totally caught me out at the start of that post. Then I clicked with "who I am". Good for you ♡

Had a frustrating night, just had to post about it somewhere.... all the times I want to give up, I make myself continue. I am a very persistent and too stubborn to give up.... as much as I want to sometimes....

Tasha are you on hormones yet?  At 53 I don't have high expectations about the physical effects of the hormones (although they have given me a really nice butt after only one month) but the psychological effects (for me at least) have been absolutely mind blowing.  The only thing I feel bad about now is not having had access to hormones 35 years ago.

Cheer up and keep going.  There literally is light at the end of the tunnel.

Not yet... but I am in the works of getting to a therapist now.... thanks for the support!!!

Tasha, you sound like me, a month ago.

It's not you.  Our transphobic culture would very much like us to give up and 'go away'.  Out-stubborn them!  Persistence and stubbornness are GOOD traits for transgender folks to have, if only to face down and outlast the people who insist we can't exist.

And yeah, getting a therapist is a great step to take.  I worked with a couple of therapists (one general, then a gender specialist) for three months before I realized that while they were helping me to understand myself, they weren't going to tell me what to do. I wrote up my own referral letter, as a sort of personal evaluation in third voice, describing my situation, perceived progress, and why I felt I had met the WPATH criteria to start hormone replacement therapy (HRT).   It turned out that all I had to do was ask. 

I've been on just an anti-androgen for about 3 weeks now, and damn, has it ever affected my mood, starting about 2 weeks in.  I can't believe how much better I feel.  I have no idea if it's 'placebo effect' or something real, but it sure feels real.  I started crying this morning out of sheer joy, at the thought that I had lived under such a cloud for decades, and it was gone!

So, good move, and I hope you get to try HRT soon.

Lol... yes, the persistence has definitely been what gets me through. Thanks for all the support ladies!! I can't wait to talk to the therapist, I really think it will help.

Currently I feel i could be getting a step closer to a process in transisitioning. Therapy. Due to some health issues I've been painfully, but knowingly avoiding since puberty, it's at the push point where I must do something, otherwise I'll be forced to transition due to lack of any hormones at all. I'd stressed since 3 years ago when I found out what transgender was and which finally put a name to my feeling, how to pay for the process. I also had to deal with family that was tolerant, but not really (won't get into that). Now since i've still been ignoring what my body has been telling me, it finally gave me a kick late last month, and I said I had to do something.

Now there is a possibility I could go on government health. I'm not enthusiastic about, but on the other hand, I can't ignore the symptoms i'm dealing with. I also realised that, there is a chance i could at least do therapy and necessary surgery with this, should I get it. But that just leaves me wondering about hormones and chest surgery. I still have my own fears about hormones, but yet I've been working hard on myself to deal with as many of my behaviourial issues as possible so that some of those fears are no longer relevant. Because when and if I can get surgery, I know 100% I would need to take some kind of hormone for my health, and well being, and slowly I'm coming closer and closer to terms with the eventual need for testosterone. I'd even bee happy taking a balance of both so that I can reach a range of hormone that is comfortable and feels right to me. But it would definitely lean into the masculine range.

Therapy will be important and necessary now anyway, because what I have not been able to heal of my habits and traumas on my own, I must work with another person to see what else is going on and other ways of dealing. I've honestly tried all I can on my own, and now I'm ready to atleast start working on the other with gender issues getting talked about and dealt with also.

It sounds like you could really benefit from therapy.... it is important to be as informed as possible about your options and have someone with more experience to help you understand your options.  I hope you get the help you need!!! Oh yeah, I am on govt assistance as well, and as much as I don't want to be on it I am grateful for the options I have because of it.

In regards to therapy

Do anyone know a good online option? I am in a place right now where someone not online would be impossible. But at the same time i also want to figure this out.

I answered something once and got a reply from Michelle omara..... seems okay but no real knowledge. She responded and we talked through email a couple of times but I wanted to see someone face to face.

Quote from: Cassuk on July 04, 2016, 05:07:54 PM
In regards to therapy

Do anyone know a good online option? I am in a place right now where someone not online would be impossible. But at the same time i also want to figure this out.

If you look in the links section of this site, there is a section for therapist. I think some of them work on line but you will need to sort through them and see if one will work for you.