Hi everyone,

I'm not sure what I'm looking to get out of this thread.  I guess I just feel a bit selfish/weak for being where I am, but it's where I am.  Anyway, I really haven't been doing well for the past 14 years or so.  I'm 28 now.  I really haven't had any friends in that time and have really isolated myself, and pretty severely at that.  It sucks... it really, really does.  I had issues getting through college - not because of my grades - but because of depression, anxiety, and uncertainty.  I did really well in terms of my GPA, but there were so many semesters that I'd schedule classes, show up for them, stop going to, then need to withdraw from.  I think about $15,000 of the money I owe in student loans is for classes that I dropped (always too late for a refund).  That's disgusting when you realize they weren't difficult classes for me, and that I was mainly having issues due to depression/anxiety.  It took me 9 years to finish 4 years worth of classes and I enrolled every year, basically every semester.  So, my life seems to be such a mess that neither of those are really the issue I'm most concerned about.  They're definitely issues.  Having no friends is an issue.  Having such a difficult time with school because of non academic reasons is an issue, though at least that's squared away now that I've finished.  The main issue with me right now may be work, or rather, the job/hours I have and the fact that it seems to be destroying me.

I've always worked, since about 16.  In the 12 years since I started working I've worked for a total of around 11, amounting for a couple times when I was in between jobs.  I haven't worked full time for that entire duration, but I've had periods where I have, and then outside of those times I was still working 3-4 days a week.  I probably have about 3 years worth of full time experience, and then 8 years of working part time, which, at 28, actually isn't far from average.  I also never took seasons off while in school or anything like that.  So, what I'm saying is, I've worked.  I'm not lazy.  I've been working full time for the past 15 months or so now, since I entered my last semester in college.  I work Saturday and Sunday from 7am-3pm, and then Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday night.  It's hard to manage your sleep with a work schedule like that and because of the transfer.  Friday is my only real day off.  It feels like I'm always either going to work or coming from.  I've always had real issues with insomnia, but at this point, it's just too much for me.  I'm getting to an age where this is really wearing me down.  Like, I'm losing it.  It seems at this point that my main source of duress are the sleepless nights.  It's really making the depression far worse and I feel sick.  I'm having trouble eating as well.  I'm 6'0" and I weigh 136lbs right now.  I'm trying to eat, but I have such bad stomach cramps that I hardly can and then when I do, I end up feeling so sick that I want to die for half the day.  I've spent far too much time sitting in a tub trying to ease the pain lately.  Then, each night I have to go to work I have a mini breakdown trying to get some sleep before, needing to get up being flat tired, and having to fight to stay awake all night.  I work security, so basically I'm alone in a building.  It's a serious security job though, so it's not like I'm able to nod off or even shut the lights off where I am.  My 8 hour shifts feel like 16 hours.  I just sit there and try to prevent myself from throwing up all night.  I'm almost getting delusional, literally.  I'm pretty sure with all things combined, I'm developing some kind of sever mental illness.  I'm afraid.  It's to the point that I don't even care about being trans anymore (I do), but more so the idea that I can't see ever not being tired again.  It's that sever. I've had thoughts of suicide before stemming from dysphoria, but the perpetual tired feeling/getting no break is putting me closer than I've ever been before. 

I don't make great money.  I do alright, but it's on the lower end.  It isn't a job  want to keep and to be honest, I'm overqualified.  It's been my plan to keep where I am for another 2 1/2-3 years, save up, progress with HRT, then see where I am for surgeries at that time before starting a new job.  It's not like this is a job I plan to keep.  I still live at home and really don't have many expensive. I'm mostly worried about saving in case I need ffs, etc.  In covering all my expenses and putting away a set amount each week I figured I could have about 30,000 in 3 years.  I don't know if I should drop a night, maybe even two if that doesn't help.  I may not have enough for ALL the things I'd like in a few years, but I'd still be able to cover my cost of living and still have around $15,000 once I was at 3 years.  I have to get a hold of myself and it's impossible with three nights gone and the transfer of hours with my other ->-bleeped-<-s + everything else and with my having difficulties sleeping anyway.  I just feel really awful, like I should feel guilt about working part time at 28, though I know I'm not in the same place most 28 year olds are.  Am I?  It's to the point where I don't feel I have the power to keep it up.  It isn't that I don't want to.  Has anyone else had to sacrifice a bit of work/money/feeling like you're not a bum for the sake of your health?  I mean, it's definitely a health concern at this point.  I just feel like losing it.

Thanks everyone. 

I can find nothing to criticize you about. You are pushing yourself to the limit and possibly beyond that. I can only suggest a few things for you to think about. Your height and weight is still within the healthy zone but at the bottom so it would be best if you not lose any more. As you are in the final year of school. Your employment options will change and you can either take on an additional job when you no longer have school to worry about or you can pick a job in your desired profession that hopefully pays more.

So far I have only talked about your long term goals. In order to reach them, you should consider helping yourself now. A  therapist, preferably a gender one might help take some of the pressure off. A T blocker would help with the dysphoria and estrogen might help your state of mind. As you are attending school, this may be available through the student health services and if not, you might enquire at the local LGBT center. HRT for the first year would have minimal effect on your appearance and might buy the time need to get you life in order for the long run.

At the moment you shouldn't worry about FFS as that is in the future. It's possible that HRT may be sufficient to allow you to pass if you give it a few years to work as many of us appear far more feminine than we think. In addition, passing isn't the most important thing in the transition, peace of mind is. Many girls are able to achieve peace of mid without passing 100% and FFS can always be had at a latter date should you still desire it.

You are a hard worker and I believe your parents see that or they wouldn't allow you to continue living with them. For now you should work on taking small steps that will help you reach your long term goal and to do that, you need to reduce the pressure you  are living with.