Quote from: Rachel Lynn on December 12, 2016, 06:20:38 PM
I had no specific thought of confidence but I feel happy and a large amount of my dysphoria is gone. I know there are stories where a few say after GCS that it was a mistake; for me, it was the best thing I have ever done.

Rachel, I'm so happy for you!  This has been such a long and difficult road for you.  It's wonderful to read that this has cleared away much of the dysphoria, and that you are feeling happy.

In the long run, that's all any person ever wants.  Just to feel, finally, normal and happy.  Congratulations.


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Hi Rachel,
Thanks for the answer. I am very happy for you. I know going full time was the cure for my social dysphoria. I am hoping the surgery will cure my body dysphoria. Glad to hear it is working for you.
Moni

Hi Michelle and Monica, thank you for your support. I have a long way for a good social transition. The physical genital dysphoria is gone

The Director of Employee Health called me today on my cell to discuss doing dilation at work. She had a call from HR and asked to access if I can dilate in my office. I said I have been back to work since Monday. I explained I dilate on top of a chuck and my office has a locking door so there is no issue. I said I contacted UNUM and my boss and HR last Monday over a week ago that I wanted to come back to work and had clearance from my doctor. She wanted the doctors note ( it had not only I can return to work but it described the whole visit, a little embarrassing). I walked a copy to her. She wanted to know what meds I am on to update my chart, which is E and a SSRI.

Later that day I was granted permission to come back to work but work only 8 hours a day and leave or take a nap if I get tired.

I came home and dilated and took a nap. I am still tired and will be going to sleep after I dilate.

I feel really good at work and sitting is fine. I use a single stall bathroom to wash the dilators. Since I am not on spiro I only go to the bathroom twice a day at work. I use to go 4 or 5 times a day.

I did a phone session with my therapist today. I have two homework things to get done by next week. 1) file a name and gender change form for my birth certificate and 2) use the woman's multi-stall bathrooms at work.

We talked about expanding my social groups. I think when I can exercise I will join the spinning and yoga class at the 12th street gym and go to a social trans group at William Way. She mentioned volunteering at Philadelphia Aids Thrift. I think that is a good idea too.

Glad to hear things are going well at work. Hugs
Mariah

Thanks Mariah. I have to get through a full week. I like the comment employee health made the I can sleep or leave work if I get tired.

Your still pretty close to your SRS so being tired isn't uncommon at that point. I'm not as tired as I was anymore. Hugs
Mariah

Quote from: Rachel Lynn on December 13, 2016, 07:22:26 PM
Thanks Mariah. I have to get through a full week. I like the comment employee health made the I can sleep or leave work if I get tired.

You mentioned using the women's bathroom.  I feel it is very important for us just to do what other women do, and just to be women.  I started using the women's bathroom as soon as I came out as female.  There were colleagues who had a problem with me but HR put them straight.

Hi Mary, you are right. I should have been using the woman's room exclusively for the past year or so. At work we have a very strong LGBT policy too. Washing dilators needs to be done in private but just going to the bathroom I will use the woman's room. In my head I thought after GCS and when I had my notarized letter from my doctor saying I had GCS and surgically and permanently changed  from male to female then I would exclusively use the woman's room. My boss and HR has a copy of my GCS letter and have been notified I will use the woman's room.

Denise made a recommendation I go back in time and reply to some of the earliest post. I will do that in the future posts, perhaps one a week. Coincidentally, a friend at work saw me at the cafeteria yesterday and stopped by my office today for a chat. He is in the process of divorce and we exchanged statuses and how we are doing mentally about the divorces. After we shared he said wow what a difference a year makes; we have really made progress and are in a much better place. He is dating now and looks really happy. I do not know if I ill ever get a date and if I do how it would turn out; however, I feel so incredibly good like a heavy weigh has been taken away.

Last night I was invited to a jewelry party by a friend from work. I had a good time and ordered several pieces of jewelry. 

 I am now using #4 dilator with the #3 and #2. All three dilators are going to just a bit below the second dot. #4 insertion had no pain but a full feeling. Should I continue to use the #2 dilator?

I am now using the female bathrooms at work. I discussed it with a friend at work and she said I should use them and if someone has an issue it is their issue and they will get a rude awakening if they tried to cause an issue.

The small dilator will act as a starter for the larger dilator. If you are able to get the larger dilator in to full depth for the full time, without a starter, you shouldn't need the smaller one. I have been using one that's 1.5 inches in diameter for many years without anything else and I haven't lost girth or depth. You need to let your body  be the guide on this and if the smaller one can do something the bigger one can't, you  need to continue with the smaller one.

Please forgive my ignorance as I'm way far away from GCS.  How long do you need to dilate.  Not minutes/hours per day but how many months/years?

Based upon Dena's post - it sounds like forever.

Dilation varies a lot from one woman to another.  Where I am they start you on three times a day and say to reduce it when you feel you can without getting any adhesion.  By six months I was at once a day and by a year at once a week.  I would probably be OK with once a month now but once a week isn't a big burden.  I was given the standard two dilators by the hospital.  They are clear glass with no markings.  Are the dots on yours to indicate depth?

It tapers down over time. I can maintain what I have with one dilation a week. I went for 10 years without dilation and when I returned to it, about the first 10 sessions or so were regaining the small amount I had lost and were a bit tight. The issue is as long as your body can form scar tissue, you can lose what you have. It takes a year or two before your body stops forming scar tissues and missed dilations are not critical. It's extremely critical you commit to the required dilation for the first few years or you may as well get the version of the surgery that doesn't construct a vagina.

The dilators I have are from Soul Source. The diameters are:
#1  1.125"
#2  1.25"
#3  1.375"
#4  1.5"

The dots:
1st   3.5"
2nd  4"
3rd   4.5"
4th   5"
5th   5.5"

Dr. McGinn states dilations are:
week 1-9 5/day
week 10-24 3/day
week 25-52 1/day

Currently from the vaginal canal entrance I am on the 4th dot #3 dilator and a bit more for #2 dilator and a bit less for #4 dilator.

I went shopping with my sister today at a thrift store in Berwyn and got 12 items including a nice skirt jacket combo. 

I sent in my birth certificate name and gender change today   When I have the changed birth certificate in hand I will then change my passport.

When I dilate and a bit afterwards I am a little sore. I guess that is a good indication that nerves are reconnecting. On occasion I get the nerve reconnection feeling, ouch and itch.

I still have the white layer in my vaginal canal.  Is that normal? What is a bit concerning is I have that white "skin" on the under side of my clitoris. Is that normal? When I lightly rub along side and above my clitoris it is registering as pain and not pleasure. Is that normal?

Maybe, maybe and yes. The white skin is like a blister. It's dead skin that's protecting what's underneath. Try not to disturb it and let it remain as long as possible. After a couple of months it will flake off and there will be new skin under it. I didn't have much if any but I may have had a better starting point for the surgeon to work with. As for the pain in the clitoris, it's still healing but it's also normal for a CIS woman to feel pain if they haven't had the proper foreplay. Give it a bit more time to heal before you play with it very much.

Thank you Dena, this is all so new and different.

When I go back to Dr. McGinn on 1/5/2017 she will ask me if I had an orgasm yet. Which will be almost 7 weeks at that time. I am a bit leery to touch anything in that way.

Rachel,
   Did she explain why "the orgasm test?" Do you think she wants to determine if you need testosterone for libido or is it more a testing of the functionality? I am with you, I'd be scared I'd cause trouble by playing too soon.
Moni

This is an interesting question.  I was in the hospital for a week and I haven't been back since.  I was told that my clitoris would probably have sensation, but that if it didn't there was nothing they could do.  Mine has sensation but I haven't managed arousal.  Should I ask for a testosterone check next time I have bloods?

Hi Monica, when I was at Dr. McGinn's three weeks ago she asked "did I ask you if you had an orgasm yet" I said no you did not ask me. She then said when was your operation, I told her and she said oh, ok. This lead me to think when I see her on the 5th she will ask me if I had an orgasm. Why she asked I did not ask her. I assumed it was to see if I am orgasmic.

I discussed it with my therapist and she recommended a sex shop to buy a vibrator. I purchased one and there was no sexual feeling when I used it. I only used it externally and not directly on my clit. I was 3 weeks post op. Perhaps I am just reading into things. Anyhow, since then I am now 5 weeks post op and there has been some more nerve reconnection. when I stroke next to my clit I no longer register pain but something reminiscent of past feeling but not as intense. I have been having shocks and itches on and around my clit so I think it is starting to reconnect.

Orgasm in the past was a double edges sward. It felt very good but to climax I had to imagine I was with a past male partner. Afterwards It was very dysphoric. I wonder how it will be going forward.

Hi Mary, My T for years has been less than 3 ng/dl which is the threshold of the test. I had no libido and still do not. During recovery Dr. McGinn does not recommend progesterone (metabolizes to T) or T. After I am healed they recommend T to raise libido and for health reasons. T an I do not mix well. I was on a very low dose of spiro and it was very effective on me and had some strong side effects.

I do not know the reason but since GCS (after the first 2 weeks). I have had this continuous feeling of calm ( I thought I was calm before) and I am pretty happy. I hum  and sing pretty often and listen to music. I feel good and have no genital dysphoria but it is much more, I do not know what it is exactly.   I am leery to take T and have a bad reaction. I guess I will review it with my PA-c who treats a very large number of trans.

I have a good amount of feeling in my clit, around it and on the labia major. I also have good feeling on the mons pubis.

Perhaps discussing a T cream with your doctor would be a good discussion. You could stop using it if there is a bad reaction. I will never inject T.