A few nights ago I was at a friend who let me be little. We were watching a Disney movie. I felt cozy and happy, was cuddling my Duffy bear, and then when I got home I had a flashback to when I was sexually abused in my youth. I could smell things, hear his voice, and feel things. It was almost like I was back there. This used to happen, years ago, but i'd pretty much forgotten about these episodes. The worst part was that memories I'd forgotten or blocked resurfaced and were horrifying.
     I have been having intermittent suicidal thoughts but am sort of too tired to act on them. I often just curl up on the floor in my blanket with my Duffy bear. I can barely keep food down because I feel a lingering nausea much of the time and I can feel cold no matter how many blankets I cover myself in.
     It seems I am in littlespace most of the time too or middle. My rational ability has flown out the window

I am sorry this happened to you and I am sorry you are reliving it over and over. It changes how we see the world forever.

Do you have a therapist and if so have you discussed it with them?

I use to have dreams or more like night mares until the last year. I would think about it daily and sometimes more often.

Eventually I answered the questions why for each of them and forgave them. I visualize myself picking up the child and adolescent and holding them. I sometimes buy something like earrings or a necklace and think the child or adolescent is with me. I am their friend and protector. Sometimes the thoughts enter my mind and I think it is over and I am safe. Most of the times it works.

Hi, that is truly very terrible and I am so sorry your experiencing this. The thing is though that you don't have to go through it alone, there should be sexual assault counsellors that you can talk to about this and try to find ways to cope with the memory and reduce the emotional pain it causes.

[hugs]

Be you, if that's little, you be that.

When you Duffy feel like being a bit bigger, and can cope with the idea, please look at EMDR. It's the only treatment that has a positive success rate with dealing with traumatic episodes in the long term (it's used by the army to help with PTSD).

Having had it, I can say it helps somewhat. It doesn't remove the memories, but can help detach the emotion from those memories.

With love

Rowan

Classic PTSD.

The current thinking among trauma specialists is that insight or talk therapy alone usually isn't enough to heal from it.

My suggestion is to find a therapist who is familiar with current treatments for trauma.  From my reading, I gather that the psychiatry professional organizations don't believe in most of them (a lot of psychiatrists and analysts and all still don't believe in PTSD or childhood trauma, either), especially for childhood trauma, so you might need to look around to find someone who will take you and your PTSD seriously.

I have C-PTSD, in my case from emotional neglect and gaslighting, with fairly frequent emotional flashbacks which only got worse as I started integrating the split-off parts of myself, and I'm fortunate to have found someone who has experience treating it (and who also has experience with gender issues.)

Also, I always put a plug in for:

* The Body Keeps the Score by Bessel van der Kolk, and
* Trauma and Recovery by Judith Herman.

The van der Kolk book in particular is from 2014 and thus includes a lot of the latest treatments.  Both are pretty readable, especially van der Kolk.

P.S.: the advice to talk to a sexual assault consellor is probably good, too.  But I'd still go for a trauma-trained therapist.

ETA: EMDR is also good.  But it's not the only treatment, and none of the treatments work for everyone, so it's good to go to someone who is more than a one-trick pony.

Thank you everyone for your kind responses. I ended up on the local mental health floor at my local hospital shortly after posting this. I was discharged on Wednesday and am on an anti-anxiety medication now. I had a good talk with my therapist too. It is a daily struggle to keep going in the face of memory horrors, but I have the support of loving friends. I don't what I'd do without the comfort of littlespace, which I must say was a concept which was totally dismissed by the psychiatrist I saw while in hospital; not only that, but he kept misgendering me. I'll give him one more chance but I won't be seeing someone who doesn't accept me for who I am.
     Someone mentioned 'gaslighting', which I had to google, and wow, that describes to a painful degree what happened to me at the hands of a family member as a child and youth. Ouch.

Wow that is harsh stuff Daria, glad to hear you are feeling a bit better.

We continue to recognize how deeply our Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACE) scores impact our life.  Sociologist, therapists and more are responding with trauma informed care plans.

So good to hear that you do have a real cool circle of supporting friends.

Yes, gaslighting, like the old 1940s movie is a wicked twist visited upon people by those manipulative sorts.  Who needs that crap?

One thing about dissociative episodes is they have a horrific tendency to dredge up forgotten memories. My therapist has taught me a grounding technique that I hope will help. I have far too many days that I sort of jump from one Daria to the next in reaction to assorted things. So far I have managed to keep from self-harm, but living in fear is taking a toll

Thank you for the update.  Yes I wish some memories could get the pen treatment in Men in Black--like be gone already!
Hope and trust you can continue to roll with it....

It is a relief to know you have a therapist and the support of loving friends, Daria!

I am the only girl in my Multiple Personality Disorder System. Please trust your doctors. I know how much it hurts, but trauma is very treatable! I have been in therapy for almost 8 years now. The flashbacks, and nightmares and time loss are almost gone.

It is OK if you need to need to stay in littlespace. That is how our brains help us feel safe.  Flashbacks are horrible and painful, but grounding techniques can help when you dissociate. For me it is focusing on my breath. I do yoga every day now because it helps keep my brain glued together.

Did  your doctor know you are a multiple personality and have Dissociative Identity Disorder? He may not have understood littlespace? The policeman was very nice when I got a speeding ticket after I showed him the letter from my doctor explaining Primary (the main alter who is a guy) had a mental disorder and sometimes becomes a 13 year old girl (me).

I started a thread for people who are dissociative and have girls and guys in our heads if you would like to talk to other people like us:https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,218553.msg1934917.html#msg1934917

Hello Daria!

I hope you are feeling better. They call me Missy here, but I have many, many names. I know littlespace very well, and my littles went through so very much like yours did, too. I am so sorry you were hurt so badly, I really am. I have one little in particular, she is 6, and she is crying now for you, and she wishes she could show you her Snoopy doll, she loves him so, and he always makes her feel so safe and special and okay.

Please know you are not alone, sweetie, that it is okay to be little, and it is okay to cry. There is nothing wrong with you, how you are is perfectly natural, you are NOT crazy, it just feels that way sometimes. I was mostly in littlespace for almost 7 years, but I am back to being a grown up now. I do miss littlespace very much, though, I really do..

Can I talk to a big now? Is a big Daria reading this?. If she isn't, can you call her forward for me? Thank you!

What you have is DID, hun, me too, EMDR can make you worse, not better, though it does work great for simple PTSD. But for C-PTSD and DID, it can place traumatic memories in places that cannot handle them. Regular trauma therapists often make assumptions based on PTSD training, and haven't had the specialized training they need to get it right. The International Society for the Study of Traumatic Stress is a leading authority on the treatment of Dissociative Identity Disorder, and they have training for doctors that wish to treat your condition properly. Google them, there are lots of resources available at their site.

My system has almost 40 members, almost half of them are children. I am better now, I did the right therapy, and now I never use multispeak, all my others listen to me and only I talk outside my head. I only tell you this because I want you to know that healing can happen, and that you can be okay, even if you don't unify, like I did, it can be very much okay living with multiples. I did it for many, many years, and nobody even knew.

You were smart to go to the hospital, and it is good you aren't afraid of therapy. What you need is called Three Stage Trauma therapy for the childhood traumas, regular sexual abuse therapy isn't exactly the right fit in cases like ours, we need an Integration Therapy component as well. Be patient, most doctors and psychologists are not qualified to help us without making mistakes, do your best to find somebody with the right training to treat DID, okay? Once upon a time, I once ran a site with over 500 girls like us, I am not a doctor or psychologist, but I know this stuff as well as I know anything. Getting the treatment exactly right saves much pain and time. I am well today because my treatment protocol was correct. I wasted 12 years with psych doctors that were under-qualified, and they almost killed me with incompetence. They meant well, but they were in over their heads.

I hope you and all your others are in a good place right now, I really do.

If you ever need to talk about anything at all, at any time, PM me. I will respond as soon as possible. I care. I really do..

Much love, many safe hugs, and the very best of wishes for you and all of yours...

Missy