As many of you know, while I identify as non-binary genderfluid, I'm still very much in a questioning phase trying to really put a finger on what my gender identity is.  It's going to be a long journey of exploration and I keep getting told I need to relax and enjoy the journey rather than be so focused on the destination. So in the car the other day I was trying to think about how I can just enjoy it more and not put so much pressure on myself to find an answer.

One of the things I realized is that I have a hard time really enjoying the parts of the journey I should be enjoying (freely expressing/presenting my gender, becoming more in touch with my feelings, doing new things like getting makeovers or pedicures, etc.) because I can't really share the excitement with anyone.

My wife is in the very early stages of coming to terms with my gender identity.  Right now she's still very much in the grieving process and so has a very hard time being exposed to any "feminine" changes I make in my appearance or my socializing. So coming home and excitedly telling her about how great an outfit looked on me, or how I got gendered as something other than male or whatever would just be like rubbing her nose in it.

The problem is for every other aspect of my life, my wife has always been that person for me.  She was always the one I could tell about my day and even if she didn't care about the details, was genuinely happy for me just knowing that something made me happy today.  Since she can't be that person for me now as I explore my gender, I don't really have a person I can go to that way.  Instead I have to bottle up my excitement and hold it all inside.

I think it's important as I try to build out a support structure that I find someone that I could share more of my experiences with. It would help me find more joy in this process, be less focused on the "outcome" and relieve some of the pressure I feel right now to find the answers. So I'm curious if anyone has been in a similar situation and who you've been able to openly share your experiences with?  Was it a family member, a friend, a TS/TG/CD you met in a support group?  How do you avoid feeling like a champagne bottle ready to burst?

Hey, stop that.  You are reading my mind!!!

I have exactly (!!) The same challenge.  To the letter.

This is what I've done, which had helped but has its own issues.

I have 2 people that I can tell anything to and I go back and forth between them as to not "burn them out on my narcissism."

About doing things together, that's my current dilemma.  One of the two mentioned above lives 750 miles from me.  The other has a boyfriend and isn't all that available.  I'm going to ask her for more of her time, but I'm leery of doing that.  I don't want to appear too needy.

There is one other person who I can lean on, but they are pretty busy and she lives 50 miles away.

Basically I'm looking for someone who lives kinda in the area who is ultra cool with what's going on.

On the other note that after 14 months my wife is almost at the acceptance level.  She's still not happy (bitter?) About it, but we keep getting referred to as "you ladies" and the sky hasn't fallen yet.  It's, I think, helping her to see that it's not so bad.

(I was in guy mode at lunch and the waitress asked separate checks?  That never happened before.)

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That was largely why I started blogging. I have tons of supportive people in my life but I've never wanted to make a big deal about my transition. Blogging enabled me to get everything out there into the world, and two years later I'm finding out that my experiences and processing everything are helping others through their transitions. So win/win, do recommend.

I am much in the same boat in as much as my wife is accepting of me being on HRT. As long as I keep it to myself. Which is mainly where I have been all my life. I am lucky in one regard in that my friend, Dee has given me encouragement and advice. Also a couple pair of earrings. I do wish my wife would talk about it though, my gender dysphoria  is something I have no control over. Well I do, but not with all the diseases I have. HRT is the best I can do and I am going to do it til I die. Which for the last 25 years has been on a day to day basis. I really want to join a social group. It is just a matter of a 40 mile drive and no parking in the area. I gotta get on with my life, if it's the last thing I ever do.

Dawn

Nobody.

I find it means pretty much nothing or some incomprehensible thing to just about everyone I know. Luckily I can appreciate it all just for myself without needing to share that much.

Apart from the occasional GIC doctor's visits in which I am forced to acknowledge I'm pretty pleased and then he says stuff like "don't forget there may be side effects that can kill you!", lol.

Quote from: Kylo on January 09, 2017, 10:51:22 PM
Nobody.

I find it means pretty much nothing or some incomprehensible thing to just about everyone I know. Luckily I can appreciate it all just for myself without needing to share that much.

Apart from the occasional GIC doctor's visits in which I am forced to acknowledge I'm pretty pleased and then he says stuff like "don't forget there may be side effects that can kill you!", lol.

Remember CIS people don't understand our obsession with gender.  They never think about it.

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Quote from: lisawb on January 09, 2017, 01:20:39 PM
So I'm curious if anyone has been in a similar situation and who you've been able to openly share your experiences with?  Was it a family member, a friend, a TS/TG/CD you met in a support group?  How do you avoid feeling like a champagne bottle ready to burst?

It can't be a family member.  It has to be a transgender friend, because only a trans friend can truly understand what it's like to be trans.  Moreover, it has to be a trans friend who is in the same or similar spot as you on the gender spectrum.  If you're genderfluid, a CD is not really going to get you.  A TS won't fully understand you either.  You need to find other genderfluid friends.

So what you really want to do is go out into the real world, go to lots of different support groups, and find these people who are like you.  Online friendships and forums like these can get you started and keep you connected, but it's so much more fulfilling to have friends whom you can meet and chat with in person.  It's going to take time, and it's going to take a lot of effort, but it is sooo worth it!

Thanks Mirya, I'm not up to 50 posts yet or I would have totally up rep'ed you for this.  That's really what I'm trying to figure out.  The funny thing is my oldest child is gender fluid as well, but I still don't feel like I can talk to her too much.  She's got her own battles being freshly out of college and all so I need to be there for her and wouldn't feel right asking her to be there for me in that way (plus she lives on the west coast so that doesn't help either).

I've looked into the support group thing and I'm sure that's the right way to go. Unfortunately for me like you said it's going to take some real work because the nearest group to me is 45 minutes away and only meets once a month. With my work travel and all I haven't been able to attend a meeting yet.  I'm also looking at joining an open and affirming UCC church in the hopes that maybe I'll find someone there in a similar situation, but that's a long shot.

I share it with a coworker who is my partner at work and my best friend

I have my wife and a few friends. They are great. I also have my blog, which helps me get my feelings out.

Quote from: lisawb on January 09, 2017, 01:20:39 PM
...
One of the things I realized is that I have a hard time really enjoying the parts of the journey I should be enjoying (freely expressing/presenting my gender, becoming more in touch with my feelings, doing new things like getting makeovers or pedicures, etc.) because I can't really share the excitement with anyone.
...

That's why I started a new thread:  Today for the first time.... https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,219890.0.html

Personally I love hearing people's firsts.  I'm hoping I get ideas for things to do.  "Firsts" are exhilarating and make "seconds" enjoyable.

I have a hard time feeling excited by things also. At first everything, every scary step was a happy moment. My wife while very supportive cannot share my feelings. Those things that make me feel good about myself rekindles her grief again or fuels her insecurities. I'm hoping I can go to the group this week but I'm not certain it will happen yet. She wants to go with me to the endo appointment tomorrow. She says she wants to try to share my excitement. I hope it works out. Oh yeh I am fully aware that my endo appointment is on Valentine's Day. It was the first appointment I could get and otherwise I'd have had to wait longer to get in. I hope to be able to make a few friends at the group when I can make it there.

All those at Susan's Place have been the best thus far at sharing both those happy and those sad moments. For that I am very thankful for all here.

I've found myself in similar situations, surprisingly, with other trans friends of mine. It's definitely hard to feel excitement for someone when they're getting what you want earlier than you're able to get it, and that's been the case with my recent advances in the process of receiving HRT. I was so happy, but I found that with my trans friends, the ones I told expressed their jealousy rather than excitement, which is completely understandable but very disheartening.

However, I do have a few friends and family members that I can share my excitement with! My mom and dad are very supportive and enthusiastic about every step I take, and I have some other friends who I can share my excitement with, too!

Quote from: lisawb on January 09, 2017, 01:20:39 PM
As many of you know, while I identify as non-binary genderfluid, I'm still very much in a questioning phase trying to really put a finger on what my gender identity is.  It's going to be a long journey of exploration and I keep getting told I need to relax and enjoy the journey rather than be so focused on the destination. So in the car the other day I was trying to think about how I can just enjoy it more and not put so much pressure on myself to find an answer.

One of the things I realized is that I have a hard time really enjoying the parts of the journey I should be enjoying (freely expressing/presenting my gender, becoming more in touch with my feelings, doing new things like getting makeovers or pedicures, etc.) because I can't really share the excitement with anyone.

My wife is in the very early stages of coming to terms with my gender identity.  Right now she's still very much in the grieving process and so has a very hard time being exposed to any "feminine" changes I make in my appearance or my socializing. So coming home and excitedly telling her about how great an outfit looked on me, or how I got gendered as something other than male or whatever would just be like rubbing her nose in it.

The problem is for every other aspect of my life, my wife has always been that person for me.  She was always the one I could tell about my day and even if she didn't care about the details, was genuinely happy for me just knowing that something made me happy today.  Since she can't be that person for me now as I explore my gender, I don't really have a person I can go to that way.  Instead I have to bottle up my excitement and hold it all inside.

I think it's important as I try to build out a support structure that I find someone that I could share more of my experiences with. It would help me find more joy in this process, be less focused on the "outcome" and relieve some of the pressure I feel right now to find the answers. So I'm curious if anyone has been in a similar situation and who you've been able to openly share your experiences with?  Was it a family member, a friend, a TS/TG/CD you met in a support group?  How do you avoid feeling like a champagne bottle ready to burst?

No one.  I'm an introvert.

I share alot with my parents and co-workers, all of whom are supportive. I also have my transition blog.

Really good question. For me the biggest challenge is that I do not want to overwhelm my wife. She already thinks I look much better in a dress than she does and my clothing size is significantly smaller than hers. While I share there is still a lot I don't share with her.

I have four "girlfriends" I share various degrees of detail with.

Still remains sad that I am afraid to share all details with the person who matters most in my life. Trying to understand where she stands does help me make decision what to share with her and where to be carefully. In the end I know she will be fully supportive, I just have to take it slow.

Hugs

Quote from: Mirya on January 10, 2017, 11:31:28 AM
It can't be a family member.  It has to be a transgender friend, because only a trans friend can truly understand what it's like to be trans. 

Both true and not true, IMHO. 

My wife remained cis female, but transitioned with me none the less.  She has been involved in the mental and physical transition to the max.  No, she is not trans, and does not experience dysphoria, but she has had to transition in our life and marriage as I transitioned.  She must be extremely intuitive and sympathetic/empathetic because she gets the things that get me excited about my transition.  She gets excited for milestones for me, seeing them before I point them out to her many times, etc.  When I relay a milestone to her that she was not there for or a  part of, she doesn't lip service me with "That's great, honey".  She is genuinely and intimately sharing the feeling with me.  Trans friends can lip service you and not necessarily care to understand.  There can be (and usually is) competition from trans friends, IMHO.

Like Ainsley i have had a spouse that has been along for the wild ride. She wants to hear about most of the changes and excitements. She asks a lot of questions too. There are times though that i can tell it is just a lot to process for one person. ( it is a lot to process for me too). I also have a number of CIS friends that i can share with and many of these friends are fairly new within the last year or so. I don't have any close trans friends, but i'd like that to change.

Example of a big one: My wife and i are "periodically non-monogamous" others would call it "poly", call it whatever you want, but very recently i have developed this major crush on a guy friend. The feelings seem to be mutual and we mysteriously "run into each other"  at the same places often. He has hugged me hard and we have held hands, no kiss yet but yeah, he definitely likes me.

It is the kind of thing that makes my heart try to jump out of my chest every time i see him. I have no idea what will become of it, but i immediately shared it with my wife and connected it to the fact that i am feeling much happier since transition and others notice that. That likely makes me more attractive. Since he is the first man i have had those sort of feelings for since transition, she was so happy with me, we jumped up and down and screamed like high school girls who had just been asked to prom. It felt pretty silly but it felt awesome. I can also share that with friends (carefully as he is the same circles). These milestones need to be shared with someone. We are not an island.

Wow, that is awesome, Robyn.  Your wife is a special person and good for you for experiencing that feeling with a guy!!  Even better that you got to share it with someone that cares and understands.   My wife is my best friend, so maybe that is why I get satisfaction sharing with her.  She is not just 'family' or 'friend'.  We're besties.

Quote from: ainsley on February 14, 2017, 11:47:47 AM
Both true and not true, IMHO. 

My wife remained cis female, but transitioned with me none the less.  She has been involved in the mental and physical transition to the max.  No, she is not trans, and does not experience dysphoria, but she has had to transition in our life and marriage as I transitioned.  She must be extremely intuitive and sympathetic/empathetic because she gets the things that get me excited about my transition.  She gets excited for milestones for me, seeing them before I point them out to her many times, etc.  When I relay a milestone to her that she was not there for or a  part of, she doesn't lip service me with "That's great, honey".  She is genuinely and intimately sharing the feeling with me.  Trans friends can lip service you and not necessarily care to understand.  There can be (and usually is) competition from trans friends, IMHO.

How did your wife take it when she first found out?  Was she immediately supportive or did she go through the grief that so many of our wives do?  I'm asking because my wife is trying hard to be supportive.  She wants me to be happy, to the point that she's already offered to "give" me a divorce to make it easier for me (I told her I don't feel trapped and that losing her is not going to make it easier).  However, she still cannot bear to see the process of my body being feminized.  Even seeing me wearing a necklace or a pair of women's tennis shoes is too much for her.

She's been desperately searching for information on how to come to terms with this.  How to be OK with who I am and what my body is going to become but alas there is little out there for her.  Even the stories of wives who have battled through the struggles and stayed with their TS partners neglect to offer any insight as to HOW they got through it.