Hello Monica!
As you know, I am not trans, though I did live as an unwilling (and somewhat unknowing) FTM for most of my life. Therefore, take my input with a few grains of salt, my perspectives may be skewed, or perhaps universal, depending on context, or personal experience.
First, I always considered myself in my past life to be a lesbian in a man's body. I only found women attractive, and could not fathom why anybody would want a man, or what they saw in a man that was 'hot'. I lived and breathed for a woman's touch only. My particular physiology made performing with women very easy and I was known to be an exceptional lover. I made the best of it, but whenever I found a real connection with a woman, she was usually bi or bi-curious. But the idea of 'same-sex attraction' was foreign to me.
Fast forward to my de-transition, and at first, I became hyper-aware of the limits to the average male's world-view and their apparent inability to connect with others on a personal level. Skip to my second year of HRT, and a rerun of "Thelma and Louise" on TV, and from somewhere out of nowhere, while a very young, six-pack abbed Brad Pitt is doing the nasty with Susan Sarandon, he looked toward the camera, and the angle of his jawline sent a HUGE, unexpected shivver down my spine. I was revolted by my own feelings, but my gf of 16 years, whom I still believed to be my forever soulmate, caught my reaction, and rightly foretold my future. "You are going to start wanting a man, aren't you?", she asked with great pain and anxiety. I denied it, not believing it would ever be possible, of course. Well, the fact was she was right. I broke up with her a while later for very valid reasons concerning her worsening treatment of me, she had become hateful and violent, so she had to go. I was still arrayed with what looked like male parts at the time, and from what I could see, only gay men or bi men were interested in me sexually. I was changing in a place where everybody had known me as 'male', though straight guys with no knowledge of my past had begun treating me very nicely, and had started flirting with me. It was very confusing, very, very confusing!
My gf lost sexual interest in me early on, when my thingy stopped working, but we made love like lesbians anyway, and though I could still please her, she could no longer please me. After the breakup, I was still hugely dysphoric about my parts, so I only dated trans-girls, but the same thing happened, I could please them, but I was getting nothing out of it except companionship and intimacy, but no real ooomph..
I dated a lot of men after I moved away from there, even slept with a few, but never let them do anything 'down there'. It was foolish, and dangerous, but we kept our parts hidden (it was actually only my alters doing this), as I was still in pieces. Once I had my vaginal canal reopened and my vulva reconstructed in Montréal, there was no turning back. I let the man I had been dating for the last 9 months go all the way with me 32 days after surgery, lol, I am laughing now, despite the risks and stitches and pain, but I couldn't wait another second to have him inside me. *blush* He never knew there was anything unusual about me, thank goodness.
So, I too went from being in competition with men, to being repulsed by men, to craving them. Yes, most guys are just guys, and that is a shame, but there are some guys that are very special, and until they see you as desirable beyond the bedroom, they hide their inner beauty from the world. Remember how you felt compelled to interact with the world pre-HRT? Most men only know this reality, and their best nature, if they have one, lol, is reserved for the girls they see as potential mates. Weirdly, I am not only attracted to 'hot' guys, but big, goofy, ugly guys, too. Sometimes the more ogre-like he is, the hotter I get, lol. Softer, more 'sensitive' guys turn me off. I want a man that is a man's man, ya know? Maybe that's just me, I dunno. So, from my perspective, I do best with heterosexual relationships. When living as a 'man', I only wanted women. Now that I am living as I was designed, I only really want a man. I still see women as divinely beautiful, but I feel no urge to be with one sexually. I love their company, and girl's night out is my fav evening of the week, but something about a man, MY man, soothes and stimulates me like no woman can.
Now, onto another topic, you had mentioned wanting to blast guys when they assume you know nothing about cars and guy stuff, right? Well, think that through before you do, because what may happen is that you mightl invalidate yourself as a woman in his eyes, not impress him, or so it has been in my experience. I was better at a lot of man stuff than most men will ever be, but never, ever, has revealing that fact helped me as a woman. If passing is your goal, take the advice given by another girl earlier in this same thread and apply it more broadly; "we don't do that". Any hint of male syntax can betray you. With your wife, this may not matter to you, but out in the world amongst males, it could be a problem. It's not just a female voice that secures passability, it takes 'proper' syntax, vocabulary, and staying with the appropriate topics, too. These are all possible 'tells' for people, men and women alike. Because I am on a gender-safe site, I am enjoying using whatever syntax that pops into my head, but if I were on a knitting site, or hanging out with the guys at a bar in real life, I would limit myself to traditionally female expressions, tones, vocabulary, and topics. It took a long time for me to realize the implications of content as well as manner in communication with other humans, but once I figured it out, my hetero-normalcy stopped coming into question. I know not everybody desires to be seen as hetero-normal, but my original core wiring is to the binary. Left to my own devices, I would have never strayed from a traditionally feminine role or lifestyle, so for me, unlearning every male trait and behavior is of paramount importance. But, your mileage may vary. As an aside, I have never heard a straight, cis woman use that expression, lol, so I should probably say something like "I dunno, maybe that's just me, who knows? Ha!"...
Yeah, I really need to get my act together, and just be the real me now, too. This is my time to shine! No more boy-talk for me, lol! ;-)
You have a lot of changes coming up in your life, Moni, and as somebody else said, "who know what will happen?".
Just be brave, be real, be open, and let yourself be your authentic self. Your wife may be okay with all this, maybe not, but that is for her to decide. What counts in the end is how well you treat each other, and how honest you are with yourselves, and each other, and how much you both grow as people. It will all work out, you'll see!
:-) MissyG
