OMG The anxiety is out of control right now. Last weekend my dad asked if we could have lunch this week. Without saying it, he was very clear that he wants to talk about my transition/coming out.  This is the first time since I came out to my parents back in November that my dad has wanted to talk about it.

My dad has never been the "Macho" type in anyway. He's a life-long Catholic Democrat with some pretty liberal views but he's also in his 70's. He tends to be the type that internalizes things and rarely shows his emotions. While my mother has been very open with me, both supporting and also emotional about "losing her son", my dad has been silent.

In just over an hour, I'm meeting him for lunch in a local cafe. I don't know what to expect at all. I'm sure he's going to ask me some tough questions, some of which I may not have answers for. I'm guessing he's going to want me to help him understand what I'm going through.  However, I'm very anxious about trying to describe to my father what it feels like to know  I'm a woman despite having been in this male body, doing male things, being what everyone has expected all my life. I've cried repeatedly this morning, I think from nerves more than anything else. I'm not sure why this conversation terrifies me, but it does.

Sorry, this is more of a vent than anything else, but I'm flipping out here and needed to express it in some way.  Thanks for reading.

Keep calm, and move forward.  In a couple hours it will be in the past and you will still be who you are now, and who you have always been.  Remember, this meeting will not change you or your gender.  So, with that in mind, go forth and just be you.

Thanks Ainsley.  I got through it and not surprisingly it went much better than I expected. So much of this anxiety is just me building up the worst case scenario in my mind.  My father was actually most concerned with why I'm choosing to transition now rather than wait 5 more years for my last to children to be done with High School. That was the hardest question he asked and I explained to him that I didn't know if I'd survive 5 more years.  It was hard to admit to him that I've had suicidal thoughts attached to my dysphoria, even if they're only passing thoughts.

He admitted he doesn't fully understand all of it but he'll support me in whatever I determine I need to do.  Hearing that meant a lot even though I at some level already knew he'd be there for me. As our discussion continued I could tell he was getting uncomfortable at times because he would suddenly change the subject so I tried to be respectful but also gently turn the conversation back.  There was a lot we needed to talk about and I think we got through it quite well.

So in the end, a major relief for me to have gotten through that conversation.

  Congrats Lisa,

  That is one more step, another notch in your belt. I'm sure now that it's done you feel relief.  You have to give your dad credit for being the one to initiate the conversation, He came to you. You've had all your life to get used to this need to transition. Your dad has had only a short time. It's a lot to digest and accept. Your his son and his dream for you was not this.  It will take him more time to actually accept you as you are but he is trying.
  Go forth and rejoice. He is on your side!

  Hugs,
    Jeanette

Quote from: lisawb on March 02, 2017, 03:31:55 PM
Thanks Ainsley.  I got through it and not surprisingly it went much better than I expected. So much of this anxiety is just me building up the worst case scenario in my mind. 

I have found this to be the case for soooo many situations I was faced with for my transition.  I genuinely made it such a big deal in my head, and it just was not the case in reality.  Hence, my current high level of apathy.  It is not general apathy; just apathy for what others' thoughts about me are.

I am very for you that it went well, too.  It gets easier, girlfriend.  Just keep going forward.

Quote from: lisawb on March 02, 2017, 03:31:55 PM
Thanks Ainsley.  I got through it and not surprisingly it went much better than I expected. So much of this anxiety is just me building up the worst case scenario in my mind.

I'm glad it went better than you feared! For what it's worth, a huge part of generalized anxiety disorder is hyperfocus on the worst case scenario. How I cope with this is coming up with plans. I usually have a Plan A, Plan B, and Plan C for everything major. I don't know if this is something that would help you, but for me, knowing I have a plan in mind if things go downhill fast reduces the anxiety a lot.

Vervain, that actually is something that helps me so I really appreciate your suggestion.  I got a similar suggestion from my therapist to do something like that.  Right now, I'm working on a plan for coming out at work.  We were discussing it in my sessions and she said she could see the anxiety come over me when the topic came up.

Glad to hear it went well for you.  I remember when my dad wanted to meet with me shortly after I came out about my decision to transition.  Like your father, my dad has also been a Democrat for most of his life, not very macho, and a Christian.

We met over lunch, and he made it clear that if I were to transition, he would never see or talk to me again, ever.  It's been about a year since then, and we have had no contact whatsoever.  It's sad, because we used to see each other at least once a month for most of my adult life.

I think your worries were not unreasonable.  Anyone can choose to shut you out of their lives for good when you transition.  You really do have to be prepared for the worst case scenario.

Mirya, all I can say is it breaks my heart to hear stories like yours. Reminds me how fortunate I am as well. Thank you for all the support you've offered me recently!!  I know it may be a lost cause, but I pray that your father will eventually realize that he wants needs you in his life.

Lisa - That's great with your dad.  Will you be seeing him in some place that won't be "trans" related?  I find that normalcy is the easiest way to put BOTH of you at ease.  Go to a sporting event, Movie, Play... somewhere that you not only not need to talk, but shouldn't.

I think that takes all the pressure off the situation and shows "life goes on.  We'll be fine."

- Dee

We met in a cafe, pretty neutral place.  Found a table in the corner away from everyone else (it was 11:00 AM so not very crowded yet).  I mean his reason for asking me to lunch was to talk about this subject so I could only make it so comfortable for him.  The idea floated through my head of going in female presentation but for much the reasons you mention Dee, I quickly jettisoned that idea.  I wanted him to be as comfortable as he could be and it did end up going quite well. 

So odd thing here.  Obviously some of the anxiety comes from a lack of trust right?  I mean I don't have enough trust in these people to believe that they'll be accepting and supportive even though I should no better.  So each time I have a conversation like this that goes well, I feel more and more trusting.  So I do worry, at some point, I am going to have that conversation that doesn't go well.  I'm going to tell someone who immediately rejects me from their life. I'm hoping that doesn't destroy the trust I'm building in others.  I guess I keep waiting for the "other shoe to fall" and other than my wife, it really hasn't.