Hey, another rant. I dont know what came over me, but i feel like death today. Things were going so good. There were large stretches of time were I felt more at one with my womanhood. Living full time has helped and allowing myself to do all the things I have wanted to for a very long time aswell. But my stupid mind is STILL atracted to doubt and trying to make me still be a man in every which way and it is killing me again. I can reject it but honestly this is ridiculas, I hate that i waas born male, I hate that I am too much of an idiot that i am a slave of my own fears i just hate myself so damn much, I went ape-crazy last night again. Ripped out some hair, punched myself in the head a few times and cut myself again. All because ''he'' likes to disturb me. I will say flat out i am diturbed by almost everything male. i hate body hair, i hate testosterone, I hate the penis, I really dont wana go back to the male social ciriles and all that male-bonding crap, and much more. I have had some suidcidal thoughts again last night and today. I hoestly cant live with him. I just want him and everything about him out of my life and away from me forever.

I wonder, what in my stupid head keeps allowing the devil to live? I need some answers because i NEED to kill him off from the mind. What is innternalizeed transphobia for starters? I have been told my many counsellors i have it. I mean i used to be extremely transphobic even when i still wanted to magically be a girl years ago.  also grew up in a male dominated enviroment, one were i was told that women mean nothing and men are everything (at an very young age). There were even more vulgar things said about women too, especially around the ages i was more curious about the female gender and how cool females were. I guess I kinda baught into (and i feel shame for it) that the male gender was better and that i need to be that man. It just seemed females got the short end of the stick and even as a kid I knew that male previliage was a true thing. My mind is like super resisitant to actually seeing myself as a full female. I mean i can do it, and there are times I will feel super euphoric but soon after that something in my brain will freak out and try to put me back in the male box. Is this really my sub-conious being freaked out at good progressive change? is that why it will put me back in he harm of male living? I need to know. I dont have money to see a Psycologist and my current counsellor hasnt a clue about these things.

All what matter to me is killing him off. I do not want a man life in any way shpe or form. But the demon lieks to fight. I hate the doubt

At this point....when "he" starts to show up to sabotage me ( cuz' at this point, that's what I consider that attempt at playing interloper) I fake it till I'm making it. Push on through ........tell him to talk to the hand.....oh, hellz no, not today! Move on and ignore his niggling. In short order, the bastard recedes and goes way. Hard to unscrew all that male socialization.  Just don't beat yourself up or give up. Neither have anything to do with your goal. Keep......moving.....forward.

Hey!

I'm sorry I don't have any answers for you. I think you're the only one who can answer your own questions.

But I think I understand the feeling you're describing and I believe that I feel it, too, just under different circumstances and my mind interprets it differently. For me, that same feeling used to also give me confusion. All I could describe it as in the past was depression and confusion. What I found was that the feeling in my case came from a thought process that I had managed to speed up to the point of it being too fast for me to decipher in most cases. So I watched for the slower ones and I found that it was literally dysphoria. Like, I would be out at the mall with my girlfriend and I would be really comfortable, using feminine pronouns and everything, and then all of a sudden I would remember how my body is designed, tell myself "No, you're not a girl, you're a boy." and then feel confused due to the dysphoria as a result of the repression. All in the fraction of a second. I noticed that a few days ago for myself.

I don't know how my story helps you, but maybe it can help to know you're not alone. Trying to feed your way back fo what was presented and what was assumed is fairly normal. It happens, for some more often than for others. So please don't feel alone, and please don't hurt yourself. It'll be okay, I promise.

Thanks girls <3, its just so tough. Liek in my head it tells me, if i was truly a girl there would be no ''him''. I didint know at a young age i was meant to be a girl and that kills me a lot. I only wished at times but in my memeroy i had no dysporia as a little kid (as far as i can recall), and as my family loves to point out i showed no signs so i cant possibly be anything but this ''man''. It just hurts so much. All i have asked is to be a woman in peace and be able to move on. I cant do that with ''him''. I just dont know what to do. I really hate my male-domianted life and how hard i tried to be like them cuz i felt i had no choice.

Im sorry. You guys are giving me clarity, but i am just so sick of this roller coaster. I want him to go away forever

Unless you're in a position to go full time female right now, you're going to need the "male" part to help make it possible. Maybe that's why you're freaking out because you know that logically this will take time and you can't just leave it all behind in a moment. It's going to take time and work isn't it, and you still have to make a living in the meantime. It's not stupid to feel like you need some aspects of your old life for now, it's actually very sensible.

There is no point treating your past or part of you like it is a demon. Been there done that. Better to reconcile with it, accept it for what it was and remember you are going to move on from it. Butterflies were caterpillars once.

 

Quote from: SailorMars1994 on March 05, 2017, 11:26:49 AMin my memeroy i had no dysporia as a little kid

I mentioned this in another thread, but it might be relevant here.  I thought that I didn't feel any dysphoria as a kid.  But I am realizing now that I didn't know anything else but dysphoria.  My entire life until recently was dysphoria. 

To recognize something, you have to be able to compare it to its opposite.  I never knew the opposite of dysphoria, so I was unable to recognize it until recently

I am thinking that perhaps you are in the same position.

There is no rule that says you have to recognize dysphoria as a little kid or it isn't real.  True, those cases make great poster kids in the media, but that is not the only way to be trans.  Many more of us only recognize it later in life.  Heck I didn't get it until I was 61! 

Ashley, that isn't really a whole separate person haunting you.  It's just a part of your own mind raising that self-doubt, the primitive worrier still wedded to an obsolete self image.  Like Jentay says, you just have to push on through.  That helps the long, slow process of updating your internal self-image to the point where that doubt fades away.

I've been out for a year, on HRT almost 9 months, and full time for 4+ months, and you know what?  That stupid Doubt Monster is still here.  That 'he' is really just a part of ME, and is slowly re-integrating, dissolving away until only I will remain.

The process takes a long time.  Really long.  Trillions of neurons, hundred of trillions of little neural switches all holding onto state accumulated over a half century of life don't just reset overnight.  When I got dressed this morning, I turned and looked in the mirror, and I saw MYSELF.  No 'dude in a dress', just ME, and I was overjoyed.  I damn near started crying.  That is how rarely I get to fully be just me, that when I am and there are no doubts, I am so surprised at myself and joyous at being me.  After all this time, this is still not an everyday event.

When I don't quite feel just ME, when the Doubt Chihuahua (that's all the monster is these days) is yipping at me, I still get my looks right, paste on my best smile, and head into the world.  Faking it til I make it.  I feel better pretty quickly these days, and can get past that nuisance in minutes instead of hours, but it is still there.  It IS better, and I am constantly improving.

Just push on through, Ashley.  You know who you really are.  Be true to yourself, not that silly slow learner in the hindbrain.

Thanks girls plus Kylo for the imput. I know that i am just having a really bad day, but it is just i dont know. You see, when this happens my whole mind shifts. Not in like a bi-polar or DID way but like my whole life. For the longest time seeing anything male would greatly disturb me  (say, seeing a sink full of facial stubble after a shave) but i could shake it off. One day soemthing snapped. When these male things happened my mind at times will jump to this an adreneline like state, as a few counsellors said this turned into fight or flight. I guess because those things distubed be so much in became part of my anxiety disorder (somehting i been diagnoised with). When i am not totally disgusted i then get extrmemly fixated, and my mind takes me to a time when i wasnt as disgusted by it, which in a way makes me numb, which makes me think i dont have dysporia. Then the man feelings kick in, and the dysporia will come and honeslty be worse then anything i ever felt before but my mind is fixated on everything male. As a woman i dont get that, i have a more normal feeling but something in my head keeps trying to kick it out. That is why when i have a eupphoric feeling and am so content with being a woman my mind will try to slap the man infront of me.

Seriously, i dont get like this much, largley because i have been in female mode a lot more, but i am thinking dark. Like death dark. I dont want him sigh.

What good therpays are there to un-covering past truamas, and also coping strageies ya know? Talk therpay aint doing much for me :/

I find it pretty helpful to aknowledge negative feelings and redirect them.  You body feels foreign to you?  accept that and put effort into make it a body you'll be comfortable with.  You feel that male presence in your mind? Of course you do, Society has forced us to create a convincing act every day.  Which just makes me livid!  Much like you, these feelings have caused me to physically harm myself many times.  And it isn't your fault that you have these feelings.  I just try to turn all of that frustration towards dismissive attitudes and uninformed strangers(and sometimes loved ones) who believe I owe them maleness.  And I just hope the time comes that I don't have any hate left for myself.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Im so sorry you had to experince this too , my issue is tho when i am happy as a woman my mind tries to throw him in and explain..'' well, u have him in ur mind and you are not suicidal , so ya know, MAN!!!'' ... and my stupid brain gets fixated on everything male and will actually blackout and reject anything female. This is what hurts me the most. If I was truly trans this shoulndt be happening. Quite the opposite, i should be fixated only on woman stuff and have absolutley nothing male left in me. Or so that is what i get..

As I said, i think there i something super deep in my mind that is fearful of female-ness and only wants to think about man crap.. even though i am only happy, when doubt isnt an issue super content and emotionally stable as a female for some reason. It just doesnt seem right. My mind is glued to everything male at times (which makes me have a queezy feeling just admitting that) even though it hurts me and i dislike male-ness. Something isnt right with me, and i wana fix it. I still just dont wana be a man ever again tho

The best approach may not be trying to kill him off. In my case, it's always been just me. There is the male life and the female life but even now, I call on my male abilities when needed. When I need to repair something, I call on that part of me. When I was out for an evening walk and I saw a woman who might be in danger, the male part of me stood ready to protect her if needed. Learn to coexist with that part of you because it had been a part of you for a very long time. You can still be fully feminine without removing all traces of your past.

Thanks. But I think I am going to pull the plug on transition. Rather I like it or not, there is something in my brain that will NOT allow me to be a woman all the time and will litterly try and block anthing female out. I cant deal with this. This is in no way a change of heart where i just suddenly love everything male or miss the mans life. In fact I want to cry my eyes out. I dont want to go back. But what do you do? stay on transition, yes sure have a bit mroe self-respect, feel content, actually love yourself until it crashes down. Why does that happen? because you spend your whole life trying to fit the mold as a man, and in my case I was succseful for a period of time. I was beaten into a man, i forced myself to be a man and then when I transition all those family memeber who once said ''You have never been happy in your life'' come out and say to me, when I was happy and actually started to feel some kind of self love for the FIRST time in my life ''You are just running away from manhood because you were abused by so many'' and other hurtful stuff so now i got to re-live those memories when I move forth. All because they want a man they will put horrid doubt into my head. As a kid I tried to be the next ''great man'' but there were reasons other then some love of masculine pride. I was one of three grandchildren on my dads side back when we wereliving in Victoria. I had 2 cousions older they me, they were born in the mid 80s. They were in trouble with the law, did horrible drugs (one is basically mental unstable due to that) and just werent on a good path. As the last male <Dads last name> I actually felt a duty to rasie a family, ya know to carry on the name and to make myself somehow be a picture perfect success story.

I think i do need to ''de-transition''. Like I said, not becuase i want to but i am tired of the defeat I always get because of doubt. It just hurts now, because i was really loving myself, and taking care of myself. but i will never get rid of my demons so i have to basic commit a form of suicide (de-transtion). I guess, even when i am depressed when i go back to my ''manhood'' i can know there aint going to get much better. I tried and failed. There is something in my brian that wil block out anything related to females sometimes and just replace it with depressing thoughts of man stuff. I am 23 in 15 days, and I would love to wake up that day, or now as a woman inside and out with no associateion to the old life.

I am so hurt and no one will ever know how crushing this feeling is </3

Ashley, lookup internalized homophobia, it just means you have mixed feelings about being feminine which for me happens because we been exposed to transphobia from others who ought to be the very people who care for us. It's part of how most of us learned to cope with being in the wrong gender body for all those years.

You're doing fine, these are things we have to get through.

QuoteThanks. But I think I am going to pull the plug on transition.

Really? Haven't you been here? Don't you deserve better? Your like 22 or 23 years old. Your whole life ahead of you. And just recently you said to the whole manning up thing:

QuoteNot a chance. That would mean living each day in manhood. No thank you!

So you're going to live your whole long life in quiet desperation? Are you serious? Cut and run? You're not worth any more than that? Show some fortitude woman....fight for it. Step up!Sympathy won't make you whole, either seeking it or having it bestowed on you.  You want sympathy???, you can find it in the dictionary between s*&t and syphilis.
     This is tough. You're not going to wake up Super Princess...... you're not your damned avatar. Does this feel like tough love? Good, it is. This will be the toughest thing you've ever done Ash. None of it is going to be easy. None of it. Pull up your big girl panties, take some deep breaths....go to bed....and look at it all in the light of a new day. Certainly don't close doors. None of that is necessary. If you don't want to pursue...don't. But don't proclaim to the world you're done. It lessens you in others eyes and creates a cage of your own making. You've made it very clear you're TS. How do you actually go live a long protracted life as a man that you clearly aren't, just because this is hard.

QuoteI tried and failed

You can't fail till you quit

"Do. Or do not. There is no try." Yoda

Look below at my Signature... it's true you know. And while you're at it, look at the one below my avatar. More universal truth.

I know JenTay and you are completely right. I appreciate the ''tough'' love you and Sadie and others have given me. But this is the hardest thing I have ever done. On the other hand when I can be that girl it is also the most rewarding thing too. I do not look for any sympathy just wish I knew a good path. I hate to admit it but my whole life Ihave been a bit of a coward in one way or the other. I want to break that barrier and I want to work on all my other stuff too that bugs me. But i still hear my moms voice in my head ''I think if you go to tharepy and truly work on your self you will have an ah-ha moment''.. in which she means I will basically blame all the males who hurt me as a child and somehow once I do that I will have manhood restored and be a ''proper'' man. To be honest that freaks the hell out of me, though a friend on here said that is likely her projecting her desires as opposed to that becoming an actual reality. I dont know what I will do, but i will need a few days to myself. I dont know what is with me today, the past while has been super good in actuality and I have been closer to my real-self (if i can say that without looking liek a waffler) then, well ever. And I love it. Thats why I am so emotinal and, well, I guess whiney. I just dont want to lose Ashley. If i ever do go back to male tho I am cutting out every single family memeber i have, heck with them.

Ashley,

I haven't read many of your other posts, but I'm going to throw my 2 cents worth.

I am 44, almost twice your age, and there are plenty of others here in their 50's and 60's, who are only starting to transition now for a variety of reasons. As for me, I am only starting to come to terms with being trans now. I wish that I had known at a younger age because now I feel as though I have in some way wasted my life. The only thing that is preventing me from going into complete despair and regret for missing out on my childhood and youth is that along the way I met my wife. She is the love of my life and the reason I choose to live another day. If not for my wife, I would be a complete wreck and very likely not here today, because I would be full of regret at having let my life go by without "living" it.

What I am trying to say is, like jentay said, this is not an easy road we are on. We are who we are. To pretend to be someone else so that other people don't have to deal with their own prejudices is not the answer. They don't have to live your life. Only you have to live your life, so you need to do what is right for you. If you need to stop your transition, then do it for the right reasons, because that is what YOU need. Don't do it just because it seems to difficult. I'm probably not the best person to say that because I haven't started transitioning. But that highlights my point. The older you get, the more complicated life is and transitioning becomes even harder.

And don't forget that we are all here to support each other.

End rant!
Jessie

Oh, Ashley, I know how this path ends.  I'm sorry the unpleasant effects are getting you down, but I have my doubts that becoming what you so clearly find unsatisfying will solve your problems.

I have seen how happy you can be as yourself, and how sad suppressing aspects of yourself and trying to be male has made you.  We'll still be here, should you ever choose to seek a path to your joy again.

Quote from: SailorMars1994 on March 05, 2017, 03:30:49 PM
Rather I like it or not, there is something in my brain that will NOT allow me to be a woman all the time and will litterly try and block anthing female out.

This is EXACTLY how it is for me. I have Multiple Personality Disorder (Dissociative Identity Disorder) and my primary alter is a guy. Part of the time my brain is not me and needs to be a guy. Primary was quickly misdiagnosed as transsexual because of me. As right as switching to live as a girl would have been for me, it would have been completely wrong for Primary. It took 2 years of therapy before the doctors began to understand he actually had a female alter (me) because of childhood sexual and psychological abuse.

Quote from: Jessie007 on March 05, 2017, 07:07:03 PM
Ashley,

I haven't read many of your other posts, but I'm going to throw my 2 cents worth.

I am 44, almost twice your age, and there are plenty of others here in their 50's and 60's, who are only starting to transition now for a variety of reasons. As for me, I am only starting to come to terms with being trans now. I wish that I had known at a younger age because now I feel as though I have in some way wasted my life. The only thing that is preventing me from going into complete despair and regret for missing out on my childhood and youth is that along the way I met my wife. She is the love of my life and the reason I choose to live another day. If not for my wife, I would be a complete wreck and very likely not here today, because I would be full of regret at having let my life go by without "living" it.

What I am trying to say is, like jentay said, this is not an easy road we are on. We are who we are. To pretend to be someone else so that other people don't have to deal with their own prejudices is not the answer. They don't have to live your life. Only you have to live your life, so you need to do what is right for you. If you need to stop your transition, then do it for the right reasons, because that is what YOU need. Don't do it just because it seems to difficult. I'm probably not the best person to say that because I haven't started transitioning. But that highlights my point. The older you get, the more complicated life is and transitioning becomes even harder.

And don't forget that we are all here to support each other.

End rant!
Jessie

To be honest one thing that bothers me is what i mentioned earlier. I have been a coward for most of my life. I really hate to admit that. The only time when i remember being strong is oddly enough when i tap into being myself, Ashley. I have thought about a life style change. Some may ask what have I been smoking (nothing for those who wonder ) or may see it as smart. I am thinking of buying a Van soon and probably living in it for a bit. Originally i thought about running away from my whole life and moving to the province of New Brunswick. Then i relized running to New Brunswick I would probably break down and have to face reality some way or another. Still, New Brunswick is a beautiful province but then I see that i shouldnt go there at this point in my life. Looking at everything, mental health, trans and gay resources, jobs, ect I now been thinking of going down to Toronto to find support networks. Live in the van until i find a room mate. It just Petawawa, where I live is so limited in all the catagoeries i just listed. I really do wana work on my stuff, but i want to come out of it as myself (ASHLEY). I dont want to settle for less then I deserve.