Quote from: Calyx on February 05, 2008, 11:40:59 PM
Hello Nero,
This is a very interesting question.
Growing up I definitely identified more with the women around me.
My father was away much of the time, either on business trips or
pursuing "masculine" interests - fishing, hunting, card playing, etc.
I remember thinking at an early age that my mother was beautiful
and I very much wanted to be like her. My favorite aunt had no
children of her own and favored me with her attention.
The summer between fifth and sixth grades I decided that I really
was supposed to be a girl and began to seriously crossdress at
every opportunity.
My parents discovered me "dressing" in my mother's clothing and
I was repeatedly lectured, threatened, and physically punished.
There was no sexual component to my desire to be a girl until
much later (college). My father basically wrote me off and focused
his attention/affection upon my younger brother. My mother's
feelings were less clear.
I alternately went through periods of attempting to be "normal" and
desiring to be female. I had girlfriends and several close male friends,
but never had any homosexual inclinations.
I always felt more comfortable among women and eventually married
my best friend. Somewhere during the thirty-three years of our marriage
my sexual gratification became strongly associated with my being "dressed".
My wife and I are still best friends, but our sex life has faded to distant
memory and she wants nothing to do with what she terms my "sick fetish".
I still identify more with women most of the time. I've sought professional
help on several occasions, been treated for depression, and for the better
part of a year taken female hormones .
My profession keeps me away from home often. My women's clothing
and cosmetics stay in the trunk of my car and I usually "dress" when
away from home at night in the privacy of my hotel rooms or sometimes
if I am driving long distances. Sometimes I do go out while "dressed".
I would be perfectly happy if I could "dress" all the time in lingerie,
women's slacks and tops, and sandals or running shoes. I do really
wish my breasts were a little larger and that I had long hair, but
I have no desire to be totally female any longer. Quite honestly,
most of the time I wish I no longer had any male sexual organs.
Mostly, I just wish I could be ignored by society and accepted by
the few people I truly care about. I'm very introverted and have
never been overly ambitious regarding career. Most people see me
as a nice, helpful person who doesn't have much of a life.
I hope this helps. I enjoy reading your posts - they really make me
think about my own situation, and are probably a major reason I feel
most comfortable within the Androgyne category of the forum.
Calyx
Hi Calyx, My heart skipped a beat reading the description of your life and how you are getting along. I felt abit sad at the end there, 'being seen as someone with not much of a life.'

I have myself mixed feelings about being classified as an androgyne. This at best describes the way I appear to the world. I still have a masculine side to me, but would eventually prefer the world to see me as 100% female. Hormones have had a marvellous affect on my mood, I am alot happier and calmer. My blood tests revealed my liver and kidneys are in good order, that was relief, was abit worried about that for some reason, I had misused meds in the past but luckily no lasting ill-effects.
As you can imagine, in my part of the world, being out and about causes people to treat me decidedly differently to others. Sometimes being 'nice' all the time doesn't get you anywhere, so I have to put on the 'bitch' persona, this way I'm not messed about with as much. It's sad but true, if 'they' think they can walk all over you, they will. I promised myself I wouldn't let that happen anymore.

I have discovered by reading many of the posts written by androgynes on here, I can identify with many of them. I am not overly female, not overly male in my thinking.
I protect my friends and loved ones, and have been in afew fights because of this, and I stand by what I say and do, but at the same time will admit when I am wrong (sometimes reluctantly) and like to review the situation before I commit to anything. I was told by a therapist that I am very 'self-aware'. Which can be a gift and a curse. My sense of humour can be quite childish and weird at times, and I have been described as child-like, which seems to be a common theme with androgynes.
Anywho, most of the time I just like to identify with being human. I bleed, I cry, I laugh, I desire etc. just like everyone else, some people seem to forget that.