This is sort of annoying, there are periods of my life where I am almost okay with just living like I am right now.  It is not fulfilling, I wish I were a girl, but the urge to transition is not as strong.  Then there are periods where it just becomes such a strong desire, and I feel such a strong pull to just go through with it.

Usually what will happen, is I will convince myself out of it, I will let fear take the reigns and feed into a feeling that everything seems so impossible that I will not pursue it.  Then after a while, I go into a deep depression, and it is all that is on my mind.  I must have done something awful in a past life, because this is torture.

It is so damned tiresome, it is like I am on this constant loop that is on repeat, and I just want to be done with it.  This has been going on for years and years, and it is just so frustrating.  And I feel sorry for continually coming on this site, and unloading all of this rubbish on to you all, and I thank you all for being so kind to me. 

What causes this?  Why is it not just a simple strong desire all of the time, or just being okay with my place in life with some regret?  Have any of you ever read anything, that can make sense of this all?  I wish I could just make up my mind, put myself in one mode, and get on with life already.

Why does it come in waves?  I don't know why it does for you.  For me, the waves were in response to my efforts to deal with the dysphoria, either acting on it or resisting it.  I'd cross-dress and the dysphoria would lessen.  Then I'd feel guilt and shame about it and stop, and gradually the dysphoria would come back. 

In between cycles, I'd deny it and try to live as a normal male.  Initially, I would be more or less successful at sweeping it under the carpet, buoyed by my success in denial.  But that level of denial takes a lot of energy to maintain, and eventually the feelings would come back.

As I started to transition, each step I took would reduce the dysphoria I was aware of, allowing me to become more sensitive to the dysphoria that remained.

Yes actually. Pre transition i could repress my female feelings for periods of time but they would return. Just before i came out in May 2014 i noticed the time between my waves getting shorter and shorter until it was becoming too depressing.

This happens to me, although I try to work out why, it just happens and some days I break down just imaging what I'd look like in public...

As someone else once explained to me, it was like a buildup of all little moments (like when I get stressed, those build up into a full-blown meltdown) and it soon evolves into an unstoppable spike of self-hatred, no matter how I try to stop it. An explanation is near-impossible, it always seems to have no 'direct' cause other than its dysphoria

It definitely fluctuated.  Like Mirath's case, some days the dysphoria would kick up, and little things that I once could ignore would fester in my mind and push me into that elevated anxiety state.  The depression would come and go.

Throwing myself into physical efforts, or complex highly technical work, would help from the distraction and suppression of consciousness that would come along.  I found that I could abuse mindful meditation to essentially suppress self-awareness while working on very complex tasks, which helped avoid the dysphoria, but trying to do that for very long was unhealthy.

It always fluctuated for me.

This might sound strange but I have journaled since I was 7 years old. Almost every day. I have entries going back 22 years. For my therapist I compiled all my entries that dealt with my feelings and desires and dysphoria and crossdressing. So many entries it was ridiculous and took forever to compile as I simply transcribed them all onto a word document. There were peaks and valleys. The peaks would burn hot but quick. Maybe a couple weeks where all I wanted to do was be a woman. The valleys would burn cool but long. After my 2 week peak cycles I would have no desire for any of it for a few months. Then it would come back. But each time it came back it would be more intense and I would need to do more to quench my thirst to be a woman.

After my last cycle in late 2016 I told myself if the feelings ever come back I am going to explore transitioning because I am tired of fighting it. Which is what I did when the feelings did come back. I thought for sure after my last cycle in late 2016 that that was it - I would never have the feelings or desires again and thought i had defeated it, but I was wrong. It came roaring back and while I resisted at first for a few weeks I ultimately upheld the promise I made to myself.

Mine was quite livable.  I considered it background noise in my life.  Then one day it wasn't background noise any more.  It would last a few hours, then most of the day and then I could literally think of nothing else.  That increase was over a month's time.  So, 50 years of back ground, then build up to intolerable in about a month.

Once I came out to myself and two others and a GD Councilor it diminished.  But still not something I could ignore.  It's a funny thing G.D. is.  I think of it like a cat with claws.  If you stroke it and keep it comfy on your lap it purrs.  Stop patting and the claws come out, first a little warning then it shreds your clothes.

Quote from: Denise on July 31, 2017, 01:31:28 PM
Mine was quite livable.  I considered it background noise in my life.  Then one day it wasn't background noise any more.  It would last a few hours, then most of the day and then I could literally think of nothing else.  That increase was over a month's time.  So, 50 years of back ground, then build up to intolerable in about a month.

Once I came out to myself and two others and a GD Councilor it diminished.  But still not something I could ignore.  It's a funny thing G.D. is.  I think of it like a cat with claws.  If you stroke it and keep it comfy on your lap it purrs.  Stop patting and the claws come out, first a little warning then it shreds your clothes.

Nailed it.

I'm really sorry for all of the "woe is me" sort of posts I make here.  I'm sure a lot of you have enough of your own hardships to go through in day to day life.  It is all really pointless, for me to drone on and on about these things.  I really do appreciate all of the replies you have given me, it provides a glimpse into my own self, and the direction I move in life. 

I've been through these sort of thoughts so many times, scrutinizing every feeling I have..  I think in the past few months, I have maintained a more consistent acceptance than I had in the past, it is just part of who I am, and trying to suppress it, or ignore it is pointless, but I just really wish there were a magic button out there, I could press and forgo the entire transition process itself. 

At the very least, it is something I accept, this is who I am.  It is not my fault, I should not hate myself for being this way, and that is a huge accomplishment for me.  Getting to the next step is really difficult.  And there are so many more steps to take after that.  It took me over thirty years to get to this point and maintain my foothold, hopefully the next step will come a bit sooner.  Still those moments come, where it seems like such a huge monumental task, that it seems impossible. 

Thank you all again.

It was like that for me before I started doing something about it. Once I started therapy (4 months ago), hormones etc, those fluctuations went away...In fact I only remembered about them just now reading your post. It was a never ending cycle as I'm sure it is for you. And the fact that I never really felt super awful about it or suicidal, tricked me into thinking it wasn't that bad so I stayed in my comfort zone. I finally snapped out of it and started working on achieving this.

A very interesting topic.

For me prior to starting HRT 4 years ago, my GD always came in waves. The way I coped with it was to as one colleague said about me and as an annual assessment stated.."He works like a whirlwind and a man possessed".. He has huge energy for work. So true. I basically overworked almost to the point of burnout so as to not address the GD problems.  At the burn out stage I had to cross dress. This provided some relief for a while, but it never really worked. It led to the loathing and depression and the disposal of al things feminine, at huge cost each time. Then about 20 years ago, I had an epiphany of sorts. A girlfriend (gay) said, rather than disposing of everything, I will rent you a room and you can store all your things here for a peppercorn rent. When you need to dress come here. That worked for a year, but because my "waves" only came at odd times, my gay friend soon wanted her room back.  Then I took up one of those storage places. This was definitely the best option as I could lock everything away - sometimes for months on end..I think the longest I managed to survive the waves was 7 months.. But then luckily I managed to get on HRT. Now in transition, just being able to get up every morning and dress and live as a woman .. the man obsessed has gone forever..
Judith

Quote from: zamber74 on July 31, 2017, 05:38:28 PM
I'm really sorry for all of the "woe is me" sort of posts I make here. 

Bahaha hunny, i hate to break it to you (and beyond that, i hate to admit it) but I think i make more woe is me posts then you do. Its not even something i plan, i just get into a tizzy and spill my guts.

It happens.

But I got news for ya. This is a support site. We help eachother. Brothers and sisters alike. A therapist if going to be your best bet, and become your best friend. I wish you luck hunny bunches <3

Mine was mostly in the background, with cross dressing in private when it was stronger. Than, like Denise, BAM - overwhelming.

And don't worry about the posts! That's what we're all here for, to help each other through this.

Quote from: SailorMars1994 on July 31, 2017, 09:03:31 PM
Bahaha hunny, i hate to break it to you (and beyond that, i hate to admit it) but I think i make more woe is me posts then you do. Its not even something i plan, i just get into a tizzy and spill my guts.

It happens.

But I got news for ya. This is a support site. We help eachother. Brothers and sisters alike. A therapist if going to be your best bet, and become your best friend. I wish you luck hunny bunches <3

Of the posts of seen of yours, and so many other members around here, you all are always helping one another out.  I have a therapist in the area I will eventually build up the nerve to see, I wrote her a while ago and she was very friendly.  That is the next huge step for me, because I know once I go, and actually talk to her, things are going to change dramatically. 

Perhaps then, I can actually contribute more to the forum than take away from it.  You, on the other hand, are contributing to it, and I thank you for that.

It's the same for me. Up and down. But the ache never really goes away. I'm coming to realize how often I've complicated my life as a way of giving myself a problem that can be beaten.

Earlier today a friend was talking about how need goals, and I realized that every goal I've ever had has really just been one:

More than anything I just want to not feel like ->-bleeped-<- all the time. 

I've spent the past dozen years studying energy and mysticism, systematically uprooting and invalidating every prejudice I can find, spending every day facing painful truths head on. People think I'm brave, but I'm not. Nothing I've faced or worked through compares to the difficulty of living every day with an unbridgeable disconnection between my mind and body. Every defense I've systematically eradicated in hopes that this time, this was the root, this was the key that would solve this feeling just removed one more layer of defense I've used to survive the ache.

I've been through so much, defeated so many enemies, but how can one defeat this? I can't. If the test is to learn to love this ever present pain of disconnection then I've failed.

I told my mother last night that I'm going to see a therapist and start HRT. She's never forgiven her sibling for the same thing, and i can feel her aching and praying and the way she feels right now isn't worse that living with dysphoria every day.

But then it will just recede. The muscles in my upper arms no longer seem like abominations. My face seems natural, my height and hands and feet seem wonderful for all the advatages they provide. I feel like an idiot for everything that's been torturing me. I get a handle on it, refuse to scratch the itch. Then one day a friend takes off his shirt and my phantom vagina starts pulsing and once again life feels like a cruel joke, like I've been turned inside out and prevented from ever experiencing the most basic beauties that everyone else seems to take for granted.

Perhaps that's a blessing, because it has forced me to take a step back and learn. But I hate it for what it does to those I love, and who love me, and just don't understand that they've never actually met me. It's funny though, it took me thirty years to realize what this has always been, but I mention it to oldest friend and she's like "duh, why do you think I wouldn't date you?" I wish it were as obvious to my religious family.

Honestly your "whiny" post is a relief. I've been thinking lately that I really need a friend who's going through the same thing. So it's nice to see a post by someone feeling it too, even if the details are different. I hope I didn't just hijack your thread to whine about my own ->-bleeped-<-- and I also thank you for the opportunity to do so.

Good luck, yeah?

Quote from: Lexira on August 01, 2017, 04:59:38 PM

More than anything I just want to not feel like ->-bleeped-<- all the time. 

I've spent the past dozen years studying energy and mysticism, systematically uprooting and invalidating every prejudice I can find, spending every day facing painful truths head on. People think I'm brave, but I'm not. Nothing I've faced or worked through compares to the difficulty of living every day with an unbridgeable disconnection between my mind and body. Every defense I've systematically eradicated in hopes that this time, this was the root, this was the key that would solve this feeling just removed one more layer of defense I've used to survive the ache.

I've been through so much, defeated so many enemies, but how can one defeat this? I can't. If the test is to learn to love this ever present pain of disconnection then I've failed.


Honestly your "whiny" post is a relief. I've been thinking lately that I really need a friend who's going through the same thing. So it's nice to see a post by someone feeling it too, even if the details are different. I hope I didn't just hijack your thread to whine about my own ->-bleeped-<-- and I also thank you for the opportunity to do so.

Good luck, yeah?

It is funny how it all works, I think it was last November that I told my wife I am transsexual, and we started to talk about it a little more, and how I have been avoiding this instead of embracing it, and how that has caused all sorts of problems for me.  Anxiety around people, depression, a deep seated sense of guilt, shame a low sense of self esteem.  Further discussions on this forum, made me realize that people in general do not desire to be a different gender, I thought this was something all people felt from time to time, but such subjects were to be avoided at all costs. 

Once I validated my own feelings, my life started to make a lot more sense, my very personhood and history makes sense.  This must be the root of so much of my life, these feelings have been going on since I was a child. 

You most definitely did not hijack my thread, I am grateful that you posted here.  Thank you

I kept holding on to masculinity, out of hope, a hope that, since i havent' experienced this or that as a man, I don't really know, If I will learn to enjoy being a man.

This went on for years. And I called these long lasting mood swings "enthusiasm spasms" I spent a lot of money buys clothes online, that I would eventually burn. And each time I did so I would convince myself this is it, Its gone for good this time. But as the years passed, The purges took longer to do. I was burning a part of myself.

The longing to be outside dressed became more and more intense. It wasn't until i stopped started to think about my safety, both psychical and mental. That I entertained the reality that this is something I need to do safely. Dragging my clothes out of the closet, so i didn't have to hide it, and go through the trauma of frantically changing clothes to answer the door, or risking my life walking the streets in the middle of the night was the first step.

But before all that, yeah, defo waves.

EDIT: Entered a quote to save double posting.

Quote from: zamber74 on August 01, 2017, 03:00:18 PM
Of the posts of seen of yours, and so many other members around here, you all are always helping one another out.  I have a therapist in the area I will eventually build up the nerve to see, I wrote her a while ago and she was very friendly.  That is the next huge step for me, because I know once I go, and actually talk to her, things are going to change dramatically. 

Perhaps then, I can actually contribute more to the forum than take away from it.  You, on the other hand, are contributing to it, and I thank you for that.

All posts are a contribution. You might feel as though you are only "taking" but when somebody see's something they can relate to, this is often a relief. And provides a person with the opportunity of sharing their experience. Most of the time these are often quite difficult experiences. And the opportunity to share these experiences  for the benefit of another, gives some positive value to what could be another wise a purely negative experience.

You Contribute

Pre HRT, the dysphoria would definitely fluctuate from zero to debilitating. I could go for several months without the dysphoria being an issue, but it would always come back, usually worse than before. When it did come back, I'd have a couple of bad weeks before I managed to push it back under the surface again. Because of this, my ex wife described living with me as being on an emotional rollercoaster. These cycles led me to question whether I was really trans, but it turns out to be quite common; particularly when you're in denial and fighting your inner feelings.

Oh yes. Denise described it I think as background noise. For me it was sort of like that. In reality what I found after starting HRT was it was a constant background anxiety. I was conscious of the moments it surfaced. In a store seeing a woman doing just normal mundane things. In my imagination when my mind was idle. During sex wishing I was in the "feminine" role. Being alone was part of the defense of not fitting in in society but alone my feelings would find a way to surface. I learned mostly how to contain the feelings. To prevent them from reaching the top of,y thoughts, most of the time. I once came to the logical conclusion that it didn't matter what my brain wanted, I was stuck living the role I was born into. I remember thinking I was never to be happy in this life. I was stuck just existing until old age. That was in my 20s. By 40 the draw of suicidal ideation was so much stronger. I some moments I just wanted it to end, by any means. I had a turmulturous relationship with my wife. For us nothing was easy. We lost two pregnancies before having two wonderful daughters. We nearly didn't make it again and again. I never fit into who she expected her man to be. I kept convincing myself I was a guy. Why should all guys be like she thought.

Today it all makes so much sense. Since I accepted who I am as an individual and am finding myself more and more, it all makes sooooo much sense. By looking at my life in a different perspective I find what she always expected of guys was all true by my own observations. I realized I do not think like guys do. I do however think like women do. One of those confirming talks was discussing my deepest, darkest, secrets. My instinctual desires. She very honestly said "I think most women would understand those feelings". Things I would never admit to any man. Except I have spoken about recently with my older brother. He is gay, but very much not trans. It is so interesting seeing how different my inner processes are compared to his. He quite literally not even imagine those feelings. It was an eye opener.

To put it plainly though, yes my disphoria came and went in waves. If I could stay mentally busy, which often meant physically busy as well, I could hold my feelings down with logical thinking. This led me to always working in logical endeavors like mechanical, hydraulics, electronics, ect. Still it was always present, always lurking in my mind.

There were months I couldn't wait to transition and others when I wondered if I was even trans.  Every time I experienced doubt I convinced myself that no other trans person had any. 

You also have doubts.  They are your friends.  They keep you from doing something really stupid.  They will only go away if you give them the attention that they deserve first.  Get to know them and figure out what makes them tick.

Best of luck.  You're not alone.