A funny thing happened when my sister and I compared notes as adults. I am the oldest of 4; she is the youngest, 11 years my junior, and the only girl. Every time my mother became pregnant (after me), the folks said they were trying for a girl. So I grew up thinking my folks preferred girls. My sister grew up thinking they preferred boys.
It's hard to write objectively about childhood, but I think that more than thinking I was a girl, I just ignored the differences, and treated gender as an accident of birth, like religion, ethnic heritage, hair color or skin color. I was equally happy playing dolls with a girl friend, football with a boy friend, or being alone with myself. I had cross dressing episodes, but mostly I had such a hard time living up to my reputation as a Brain and not a clue what to do about questions of gender. Things grew a little more complicated when the adults around me insisted I invite a girl to the senior prom.
They picked out the girl and we remained close for about a year until she gave me an ultimatum: if I continued to study engineering, she would sever the relationship (I continued and she severed). I remember often looking in the mirror worrying that others would see I really was a girl, not a boy. Sex had no place in my life until I was a fifth year senior in college; I discovered, not only was it enjoyable, but it was a ticket to a close friendship with a woman.
Each time my wife was pregnant, I worried the child would be a boyish boy who would find me out and despise me. I've had 3 girls and a boy. Yet, knowing each of my children has been so rewarding, I glad I took the chance. Each has been in counseling at some point, but each seems willing to put up with me.
Becoming aware of androgyny as option is quite recent, but as I read about it here, I discover I have had similar feelings and made similar decisions to others in this forum. But I've felt like an outsider so long, so unlike anyone else (what other male, for instance, would hide a lipstick in his jewelry box), that I don't feel enlightened yet. The newbie tag fits me pretty well. I find I want feminine breasts (I don't know why), but my genitals are OK as a ticket to being with my best friend. The weird tag fits pretty well, too.
Still trying to sort it all out,
Simone
