Quote from: OnePunchRoxanne on September 03, 2017, 12:43:02 AM
I'm too much of a coward to do number 2. I'm beyond help anyway. I think I'm going insane because I can't take it anymore.

While I never contemplated suicide (my mother tried to commit suicide during my parents' divorce, and the impact that had left me quite hostile to the notion), I "chose" to become a shut-in for a decade because of these fears. I felt the same way you do, that I was a coward. I was ravaged by anxiety (hereditary and due to trans issue alike), retreating into video games and trying desperately to avoid deeper thoughts. It's true, there's rarely an easy path out. For me it took another traumatic experience in taking care of my mother before she passed away due to cancer to shake me awake (not directly to the trans issue, but to other things that set me on the path to it).

Why do I bring this up? Well, I surprised myself. I'm still scared out of my mind on the best of days, but I'm winning out over that fear/my "cowardice" one day at a time. The idea of transitioning without being able to pass eats at me constantly. But no matter how bad it may seem, I now feel hope is not lost. It took a horrible experience for me to find the strength to deal with my issues. And if someone like me can find hope, so can you, because I was a lost cause if there ever was one. It might take something huge in your life to push you to that point (hopefully not as bad as mine was :x), you might find your courage through therapy and support as others have spoken of, or you might just wake up one day and a switch will go off in your brain. The important thing to remember is that things can get better, even if it doesn't seem like it now. Virtually everyone here is living proof of that.

And the worries about the friend issue? I get it, I have zero friends. Literally, none that aren't related to me somehow. It sucks. Even online friends I haven't spoken to in a few years now. Even my best friends in the past just sort of drifted away. And frankly, the friend you are trying to hold onto so bad will probably go his own way at some point regardless of this. Jobs, girl/boyfriends, children, moving, or just finding divergent interests happen constantly. That's just life, don't sacrifice your future for what seems to be a somewhat questionable friend now. I know this sounds depressing, but this isn't even a trans issue, it's just a life issue. But even then, it's not hopeless. My mother had two best friends when she was in her teens and college. Life got in the way, and they fell out of touch. But yet 45 years later, they reconnected and picked up right where they left off. That's how true friendship tends to work. With any luck we both will find true friends that value us for ourselves, that we don't cling to out of fear of being alone. And even then if life gets in the way, it doesn't have to get in the way forever.

Quote from: echo7 on September 03, 2017, 08:22:31 AM
The effects of testosterone are cumulative, so even though you may look unpassable, you still have a much better starting point than someone who is beginning transition later in life. 

I firmly believe that anyone can become passable given enough time on HRT, weight loss, and surgery.  You are young so you have a lot of time ahead of you to save money for surgeries.  You are also intelligent, which I personally believe is the most important character trait for a successful transition.  Use your rational mind to get a good education, work hard, manage money wisely, and plan diligently.

Start planning your life now for a future transition.  You can do it but you must stay focused.  Emotional rants may feel good, but don't dwell on them because for practical purposes they will get you nowhere.  Being successful, making money, having discipline to lose weight, and being able to finance a transition with surgeries will get you to where you need to be.

Being passable isn't a possibility for me. It's not possible to fix height, hands, feet, shoulders, chest and skeletal structure with surgery. I can't bare it. I can't look like a man in a dress in the real world. I have priorities and I'm not okay with looking like a fool.

Quote from: Roll on September 03, 2017, 01:20:21 PM
While I never contemplated suicide (my mother tried to commit suicide during my parents' divorce, and the impact that had left me quite hostile to the notion), I "chose" to become a shut-in for a decade because of these fears. I felt the same way you do, that I was a coward. I was ravaged by anxiety (hereditary and due to trans issue alike), retreating into video games and trying desperately to avoid deeper thoughts. It's true, there's rarely an easy path out. For me it took another traumatic experience in taking care of my mother before she passed away due to cancer to shake me awake (not directly to the trans issue, but to other things that set me on the path to it).

Why do I bring this up? Well, I surprised myself. I'm still scared out of my mind on the best of days, but I'm winning out over that fear/my "cowardice" one day at a time. The idea of transitioning without being able to pass eats at me constantly. But no matter how bad it may seem, I now feel hope is not lost. It took a horrible experience for me to find the strength to deal with my issues. And if someone like me can find hope, so can you, because I was a lost cause if there ever was one. It might take something huge in your life to push you to that point (hopefully not as bad as mine was :x), you might find your courage through therapy and support as others have spoken of, or you might just wake up one day and a switch will go off in your brain. The important thing to remember is that things can get better, even if it doesn't seem like it now. Virtually everyone here is living proof of that.

And the worries about the friend issue? I get it, I have zero friends. Literally, none that aren't related to me somehow. It sucks. Even online friends I haven't spoken to in a few years now. Even my best friends in the past just sort of drifted away. And frankly, the friend you are trying to hold onto so bad will probably go his own way at some point regardless of this. Jobs, girl/boyfriends, children, moving, or just finding divergent interests happen constantly. That's just life, don't sacrifice your future for what seems to be a somewhat questionable friend now. I know this sounds depressing, but this isn't even a trans issue, it's just a life issue. But even then, it's not hopeless. My mother had two best friends when she was in her teens and college. Life got in the way, and they fell out of touch. But yet 45 years later, they reconnected and picked up right where they left off. That's how true friendship tends to work. With any luck we both will find true friends that value us for ourselves, that we don't cling to out of fear of being alone. And even then if life gets in the way, it doesn't have to get in the way forever.

I'm sorry to hear about all of that happened to you. I can't go outside as a non passing transgender. I don't have any hope. It's just too shameful which is why I'm looking into coping mechanisms or conversion therapy right now. The only thing that I do that helps with my dysphoria slightly is taking HRT, which hasn't done anything right now. I'm desperate, but I'm willing to try anything that will make me a normal cis-man now.

Well, I've made the first step towards closeting myself away. I made a post on Facebook saying how I want to identify as female and in the privacy of my own home when I move out and finish college as well as online but in real life I'll stay in the closet for the rest of my life, living as a man due to "personal reasons".

Back in the day PE was manditory in a communal shower area overlooked by the wiennie watcher With my rather small, less than two inch penis and my other ball hadn't started dangling yet. of course the guy with a religious objection got to dress in a closet, I was forced to march past Mr. Tuminia who as it turns out, as I was doing my Ancestery review, was related to me on my Grandmothers side.. I can atest that by coming out most of the stress goes away. The people who accepted me were my friends and family and those that did not weren't such good friends anyway Please reconsider as being true to oneself is far greater than keeping a secret. At least that is my experience but I am way older and suffered a lot longer.

Quote from: OnePunchRoxanne on September 03, 2017, 02:13:03 PM
Being passable isn't a possibility for me. It's not possible to fix height, hands, feet, shoulders, chest and skeletal structure with surgery. I can't bare it. I can't look like a man in a dress in the real world. I have priorities and I'm not okay with looking like a fool.

The most difficult thing in life is living up to somebody else's standard. Think working in a job you can't stand because your parents wanted you to enter that profession. Marrying a girl because your family though she was a good girl but you can't stand her. Going on a vacation to a place you can't stand because it's the in thing to do. Eating a food that taste terrible but everybody else raves about it. True freedom is making your own decisions based on your own values. What does it matter if you don't pass when you are happy for the first time in your life. I was luck and I was willing to risk it all at age 23 for a chance at happiness. In my case, the resources just weren't available until then but at no point in my life have I ever regretted that decision and thought I would have been better off remaining in the male role.

I was there just a couple weeks ago.  And for whatever reason, i accepted i have a crap ton of internalized transphobia.  And like you, i feared greatly looking like one of those weirdos.  the only option i can see or saw was having to accept that i am a transwoman.  and i will not look like a cis woman.  and that needs to be ok.  it's very difficult and takes enormous courage, but ending your life isnt a viable answer. 

and besides, as people have already mentioned, cis women come in varying shapes and sizes.  i was in the grocery store a couple days ago and saw a broad framed, 5'10" woman with short hair. possibly trans, and no one was giving her a second look.

being trans is a tough existence.  accepting who and what you are can make it just a bit easier.

I 'hope' evenually I'll be passable.  I also have large hands and feet, especially for my height.  If I don't I'll still be me.  I'm sure I'll get looks but that's okay.  I got looks anyway since never fit in with cis males mainly from behavior.  Maybe stick it out with hrt?

Quote from: Bari Jo on September 03, 2017, 03:41:42 PM
I 'hope' evenually I'll be passable.  I also have large hands and feet, especially for my height.  If I don't I'll still be me.  I'm sure I'll get looks but that's okay.  I got looks anyway since never fit in with cis males mainly from behavior.  Maybe stick it out with hrt?

I will stick it out with HRT because it does help slightly. Additionally, I saw your message. If you're ever in Santa Cruz just message me if you remember me and let me know when you're coming by. I'm really shy and depressed IRL so I'm not exactly any "fun" to be around.

Quote from: OnePunchRoxanne on September 03, 2017, 03:47:32 PM
I'm really shy and depressed IRL so I'm not exactly any "fun" to be around.

No worries, I'm shy too, despite my online persona.  I do have a great fun friend there that will join.  She BTW, will be the first I'm coming out to:)

Roxanne....

I respect whatever decision you feel you need to make about your life at the moment but.... I would remind you that " forever"  is long time!!!.... Anyone here who has a few more years under their belt will tell you that the way they view their life, the passage of time, what is important to them and their place in both society and the world bears very little resemblance to how they thought about things at 21 years of age...

I would only ask that you remain open to the possibility that someday... You may reach a point when living the truth of who you are may become more important to you than what others may think about how you choose to live this life... In my younger days, things were a bit different and I don't know that I would have had the courage then to transition had I even seen it as a possibility, for fear of how I would be perceived...

Now I am older and I don't care what anyone thinks about my choices... If they see me as a woman...Great!!!!... If they see me as a Transwoman... Great!!!... If they see me as a surgically mutilated middle age guy in women's clothes... Less great ...but, nothing I can't deal with!!!

Embrace the fact that our lives, in the end, are what we make them to be... Live the life YOU want to live... Not the one you think others are more comfortable seeing you live...

Onward we go!!!

Ashley

I'll also add that from 19-25 gender and transition was on my mind a lot...constantly is probably accurate.  But i didn't have the courage to face up to owning what i was.  And had I done so, a wonderful relationship would have ended.  But fast forward 25 years, and like most people my age with gender issues, the GD came back with a vengeance, and my life is exponentially more complicated now.  Most people in our shoes say that the GD may subside, but never goes away, and in some cases comes back stronger.  That's been my experience.

I wish you the best, I really do. 

The closet does not provide me happiness, it provides people I care about happiness, it provides strangers that would rather I don't exist happiness, but it does not make me happy.  It is a lonely place, where I look out at life and see everything else moving along, while I remain motionless.  It is a prison, where I am free from the hardships of being transsexual yet still feel the desire.

Oh, now I am just being depressing.  I do so, because I don't want you to go through this..  Stay away from the closet, it's a trap! 

Thanks for the words of encouragement everyone. I just don't see my life improving if I come out of the closet. It will only get worse if I do. I just know it is a fact. I'm sorry.