Quote from: amandam on August 12, 2017, 12:28:49 PM
So, I have this massive masculine identity that I've built. I must let it go. The thought of doing so is causing me anxiety. I viscerally respond to it. How do you break down a life that you've spent your entire life building up? I can't even move toward making myself like David Bowie without cringing. How did you do it?

I find myself in the opposite position - this condition robbed me of being able to build a life at all. Or a proper identity. Unlike some trans people, I didn't attempt to lose myself in my birth gender and hope the trans went away, nor was I able to ignore it enough to marry and have kids... I succeeded in building a high wall around myself and living an isolated rudimentary life without much in the way of social pleasure. The identity I did create is certainly strong but it doesn't feel very human. I look at other people and they appear to be on another planet to me half the time. Realizing how much I differ from them and their experience hasn't been fun over the last two or three years.

Now I know proper normality is actually out of my reach, I think I'm beyond the age at which old dogs learn new tricks. Which is somewhat depressing. I don't think I'm going to build any new persona, or gain any new identity, it will just be a case of adjusting to a new sort of body. I'd rather be in your position with a new identity to build and look forward to. But anyway, advice: I'd start by looking at the sort of people and character you admire and try to incorporate that into yourself. It's entirely possible, and it doesn't take that long.

Well, it's been a couple of weeks since my last post on this thread. I guess I'm moving more androgynous as a first step.

I've done micro-needling on a couple of scars for 4 weeks now (once a week). I've also used the Tria twice (once a week). I will use the Tria until the hair is gone from my hands, feet, and chest. I'm also working on my armpits but only partially to reduce the "size" of the area covered by hair. Ya, I know hrt will reduce or eliminate a lot of body hair, but haven't decided on that yet. I zapped a couple of spots on my beard just to see what it felt like. Toying with the idea of zapping whiskers. Perhaps start with part of the neck. My biggest problem is keeping my fingers shaved so no one really notices short little dark hairs sticking up.

My nails are still longer than I used to keep them, and I try to shape them nice. No polish. I am not freaking out over them so much now. I bought a ladies' watch that also mostly passes for men's, my wife helped me pick it out. Still kinda feel self-conscious while wearing it. An intuitive woman could probably tell it's a ladies' watch. I'm thinking of buying a unisex watch so mentally I'm still okay with getting rid of my big, manly watch.

At certain times, I get tired of thinking about this. And I even think of doing something the guy in me wants to do like working on cars.

Still, in my heart of hearts, I never stop wanting to be "that girl" at college, in the book store, on the street. The girl I see, who I desire to be. Ok, the following is non-sexual so don't take it wrong. I can lay still, on my bed, dressed with a wig on, and pretend I'm her, a real girl, someone I've seen. I can feel my soft, flowing hair. I can feel my curves against the bed as I move ever so slowly. I am there, then I am on the beach, then I am at the mall. I have girlfriends and sisters, we have fun. I feel gentle, and soft, and graceful with my female body. I am her. I feel the total essence of womanhood. I am in a dream from which I do not wish to wake. My God, I have to be her. I am vexed. I am cursed. Yet, I cannot stop this feeling nor do I want to. And another day passes.

The wife is almost out of the shower, Game of Thrones is calling. And it's full of women who vex my soul. Perhaps, the more feminine I get, the better I will feel, and the strain of the dream will lessen. One can hope.

Soon Amanda you must begin living that dream.

Hugs,
  Laurie

Is the dream false? Is it an idol I have built up over time? I feel like I sometimes worship women. Like I'm not really one, just a guy with some sort of twisted view of what it means to be one. It's like my male and female parts have fought so long against each other, that they could not be farther apart. It's like Conan the Barbarian sharing a body with Miss America, pushing against each other. One grows more masculine, one grows more feminine as they fight.  I joke to my wife that if I could just meld myself, I'd be Rod Stewart. LOL. 

Quote from: amandam on September 13, 2017, 01:08:36 AM
Is the dream false? Is it an idol I have built up over time? I feel like I sometimes worship women. Like I'm not really one, just a guy with some sort of twisted view of what it means to be one. It's like my male and female parts have fought so long against each other, that they could not be farther apart. It's like Conan the Barbarian sharing a body with Miss America, pushing against each other. One grows more masculine, one grows more feminine as they fight.  I joke to my wife that if I could just meld myself, I'd be Rod Stewart. LOL.

You sound unsure about  your identity. Are you exploring it with a gender therapist yet and if you are what do they say? I'm sorry if you've covered this already. But it does sound like you should be talking to someone.

Rod Stewart huh? That bad? I just kidding, Jess. It could be worse you could have said David Bowie

Hugs,
   Laure

I had those six therapy sessions. She hooked me up with a long term therapist but I dont see her until Oct. 30th. I am transgender n show traits of both "transsexuals" and "->-bleeped-<-s", so to speak.

Hey amandam I know exactly how you feel have been into bodybuilding then just weights for 28 years, worked on the door of a night club for 10 years, then worked offshore. Then after a few friends passed away in a short space of time either through health or suicide something inside snapped and I realised I can either die unhappy or at least try. Forward 2 years have lost most of the muscle, first appointment to gender clinic next month and today I signed up to a part time makeup and beauty course. Have to say I have always felt angry inside but these past 2 years working towards something I have never felt happier. If you don't try then you will fail, but if you try and find a happier balance somewhere along the path then that has to be a good thing surely.

I understand the anger thing. Been angry a lot. Not so much any more, bur I am real tense lately.

Had an interesting thought tonight. I found that lots of little things I did were to be more masculine. Become more of a tough guy. It's not just that I have to find ways to let more femininity into my life, I also have to bit-by-bit remove the machismo!

My male self is not John Wayne. I can NEVER be him, the uber man. I'm more of the Frank Dillane type. It's like I had dual fantasies going on. My fem self adores beautiful women, she wishes endlessly to be one. The male self, in fear of her feelings, wishes to be the Duke. Both sides fighting for survival using their most potent weapons. The uber man and the uber woman.

Such a sad state of affairs!

My inner battle, or journey, is not to discover who wins by shear force of will. My journey should be to find happiness within myself as my real male self, Frank Dillane, or his female version, or a combination of both. So, part of my task is to lessen the macho markers as well as allow some femininity. I know the male self will merge toward the female self. I don't know if she'll budge or hold fast.

I know a woman that does all the repairs on there car and pickup! She does the home repairs too!
I'm slowly transitioning! I'm not giving up on working with wood and steel! Most of my wardrobe is Fem now! Boy shirts! I weigh about 145! I love seven for humanity jeans 7-8 rise and wear them proudly! I go to goodwill about once a month to buy a few female tops. I'm going tomorrow to try and find a maxi skirt! Im collecting a quite a few shoes [emoji151]. I'm 5'10" so heals I stop at 2 inch! Mostly flats! I wear flip flops most of the time! I blend my own finger nail polish, light pink with a little flake in clear! I don't feel like I want to be overt just the woman I am inside! Being 61 I feel good where I am at right now! The war that raged for 50 years has calm down to the point I'm comfortable with my self! My B breasts are not easy to hide!
Live long and choose to be happy![emoji68]🏼‍[emoji161]


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Quote from: gv2002 on September 15, 2017, 07:03:44 AM
I know a woman that does all the repairs on there car and pickup! She does the home repairs too!

I would fit into that category.  Here is me a couple of days ago, digging a trench for a new electrical service to the barn.  What you can't see in the photo are my pink plaid Daisy Duke shorts! 

Well, I've just begun the battle. Both of you are farther along than I am. Maybe I'll get where you are mentally before long. 😀

Hi Amanda,
I was going to say 'I know how you feel' but actually you're the only one who knows how you feel. I've been down the nails route, expecting the 'gender police' to arrest me at any moment. But after a few comments, they move on. I've also been down the hair removal route, expecting everyone to point at me. But they didn't. Now I'm growing my hair, expecting the same reactions. I've had a few but nothing fatal.

I've also done the male thing. I took up model railways (railroads) because, well, I like model railways, but also because it was a nice safe male hobby. And I follow the football (soccer) results, not that I like the sport but because all the men I know talk about it. I've spent a lifetime trying to blend in.

As for me now, I've moved on from 'wanting to be a girl' to 'wanting to be me', which happens to be female. There is a difference, I think. It helped greatly when I came out to a few close people, including my sister and my daughter. I find that I now act differently with them. I can be me with them.

But like you, my wife is a different matter. I tell myself that I am waiting for the right moment. But that may be a long way off.

So don't give up, you have many friends here willing you to do well!

God bless,

Jayne.

Some days, I wish to be a girl so bad, it's like an anxiety-fueled obsession. Other days, I still "would like to" be a girl, but don't stress about it and go about my life. Why is that?

We have a CIS woman in the complex who runs a truck trailer repair operation. Her husband separated from her so she had several children to raise. The pay for a woman wasn't sufficient so she took a job supporting a tunnel boring machine. After that, she worked on a road crew as a flag woman but the boss allowed her to learn to work the construction equipment. Now when she wants to have a little fun, she will borrow our  backhoe to level out her lot. You see her driving away with a simile on her face. The only restrictions in life are the ones you make. Some things may be a bit more difficult to accomplish, but desire will go a long way in overcoming limitations.

Quote from: amandam on September 16, 2017, 12:12:22 PM
Some days, I wish to be a girl so bad, it's like an anxiety-fueled obsession. Other days, I still "would like to" be a girl, but don't stress about it and go about my life. Why is that?

There is a name for it.... Gender Dysphoria

It is what it is. What you are going through is not at all uncommon. I tend to think of more in terms of "The Good Days" vs the "Bad Days". The Bad Days are the ones where the anxiety, obsession, deep feelings of a NEED to Transition overtake me. It leads to depression, tears, too much drinking, too much food, too much self loathing as in just plain hating myself for being trans.

The "Good Days"? I still cannot think of myself as anything but a woman since that is what I am. Living as the totally authentic Me is where my true joy lies. In male mode I only see Joanne smiling back at me. I Want to transition, but..... Balance. It didn't come easy when I was learning to walk. I may be past those "Baby-Step" days, yet I am still taking baby-steps. Still working at balancing all sorts of conflicting needs and wants. Not only mine, but also my wife's and "The Us". Oh... Lots of Fun  As you are learning

I guess I said the same thing in two different threads. 

Guess I should stick to one thread.

It is hard to weave the fabric of life with just one thread.

Wise old Bayonne saying 

Welp, I'm still here! And I still want to be a girl! 

I know exactly how this feels. I don't want  to give my wife up.

But I'm struggling so badly with surpressing my female gender.

I get these sudden powerful anxiety attacks.

Im in work now, close to tears. The tension in my lower back, the sick butterflies in my stomach.

All triggered by a photograph of a woman in a dress in the newspaper..a dress that I thought looked lovely.

Its crazy.