Quote from: Myranda on September 01, 2017, 08:25:55 AMwhat is somewhat frustrating, is that so far my little experiment into exploring my female identity, has not really led me to any definitive answer.  Mentally, I do not feel any real difference.  I never really hated my body, or had any of the "typical" feelings associated with the "typical" transgender story/experience.  So while I don't feel any better, I certainly DO NOT feel any worse either.  Which makes me think, I'm more gender neutral, who desires some more female characteristics.

This sounds exactly like me. I've put on a wig and some female clothes while alone to see if I felt anything. I didn't lol...And I also have never hated my body. So I'm also thinking I'm somewhere in the spectrum leaning towards female.

Quote from: Myranda on September 01, 2017, 08:25:55 AM
what is somewhat frustrating, is that so far my little experiment into exploring my female identity, has not really led me to any definitive answer.  Mentally, I do not feel any real difference.  I never really hated my body, or had any of the "typical" feelings associated with the "typical" transgender story/experience.  So while I don't feel any better, I certainly DO NOT feel any worse either.  Which makes me think, I'm more gender neutral, who desires some more female characteristics.

I've come to believe the "mental" changes that a person experiences at the onset of HT has a lot to do with the mental state to start with. I'd also read plenty of testimonials of those having been blissed out after taking their first pill. It lead me to have some expectations in that regard. I didn't and haven't. Much like you, mentally, I still don't feel any real difference. I'm only about 10 months in though.

All the best,
--AshleyP

Quote from: AshleyP on September 27, 2017, 01:34:55 PM
I've come to believe the "mental" changes that a person experiences at the onset of HT has a lot to do with the mental state to start with. I'd also read plenty of testimonials of those having been blissed out after taking their first pill. It lead me to have some expectations in that regard. I didn't and haven't. Much like you, mentally, I still don't feel any real difference. I'm only about 10 months in though.

All the best,
--AshleyP

So I'm not quite sure I understand or know what you are saying.  Do you mean, that if a person had the worst disphoria, that the changes would be more noticable?  And if a person had little to mild disphoria that it would be minor or barely noticable mental change?

Quote from: Myranda on September 27, 2017, 06:16:34 PM
So I'm not quite sure I understand or know what you are saying.  Do you mean, that if a person had the worst disphoria, that the changes would be more noticable?  And if a person had little to mild disphoria that it would be minor or barely noticable mental change?

Yeah, I think that would be one example, maybe a big one, but I think other things can play into it. For example, I'm sure you've seen other posts expressing great frustration about the process of just getting started with HT, i.e. the gatekeepers, the requirements, etc. There's other things that might make a person really, really want to start HT and the desire to pent up.

For me, I was already RLE, as best I could, for a couple of years. I'd resigned myself to never being eligible for HT. When I did get the go ahead, I was more apprehensive than anxious to get started. And, keep in mind that I'm an older transitioner. As we say, YMMV.

All the best,
--AshleyP

I was near a breakdown when I first started Estradiol. Sixty years of secrets I could not handle anymore. I have been taking spiro for heart failure for 25 years. It is a diuretic and so extra water is necessary. I use a 40 oz thermos I got at Costco. I just put some ice and water and fill it up. I do this twice a day viola 80 oz. and the anytime cold water is really refreshing. The spiro gave me man boobs which I used to get teased for. But now after over a year on estradiol I have a full set. The tape measure says I have C's. I now take propecia (finasteride) because my T level while much lower was not where the Doc wanted it. as well as the spiro and as an added bonus I also take lasix. Now I pee like a racehorse but I still pee on myself. It's been a lifetime struggle to making it out of the bathroom without wet pants. Let's just say I was not blessed. This process is not a sprint but rather a marathon. Are you expecting miracles, because I don't' think they are on the agenda. The real miracle has been how stress relieving coming out of the closet is.

No I'm most definitely not expecting miracles.

As I have said from t he beginning, I'm not really sure where I fall on this spectrum, and I continue to be unsure. Starting HRT hasn't sent me over the proverbial edge/cliff yet.  I don't feel strongly about it one way or the other.  The only thing I can say certain at this point (3 months 3 weeks 1 day) is that I don't regret the decision and that I don't feel any worse for starting and that I don't necessarily feel any better for starting either.

So It's been about a month or so since I last made an update here....

It has been a trying month dealing with issues with my soon to be ex-wife.

During that time and perhaps just before it, I had some doubts about continuing HRT cross my mind. On a couple of occasions I had convinced myself that I needed to stop and was about to contact both my Therapist and my GD and tell them my decision.  Somehow, I found  the inner peace and/or strength to hold off over the weekend and re-evaluate come Monday.   Monday would come and go, and it wouldn't cross my mind again.  I

When I started this journey, I told myself, give it 6-months before you make any decisions about continuing or stopping.  I'm almost at 5-months now. Honestly, I am not sure I notice any mental changes at all.  I may be a bit more emotional/sappy when it comes to seeing "moving" thinghs in movies and on TV and such, but I'm not convinced that is a result of the new hormones.  I think it has more to do with what I'm going through at home more than anything else.

The good news is that I definitely do not feel any worse.  This is becoming more and more clear to me everyday.  When I started, one of the major reason I did so was to be on the look out for the changes in me emotionally and mentally.  Did I feel better about myself, did I like the new me etc...So this lack of change has really left me scratching me head.   Does it mean I am really of 2-genders, neither male nor female?  That may say more about me that I can admit or know right now.  But I do know that I was hoping for more clarity about the mental and emotional portion of all of this at this point.


I was just reading a older post from Laurie from back in March as she was about to start her Theraputic journey:

Quote from: Laurie on March 10, 2017, 01:23:08 PM
Hi Asche

  I don't think it qualifies as terror. But it is definitely apprehension and fear.

  I also do not think it is learning more about me
  There is some aspect of " am I really trans " for sure but not so much.

   Fear that this means it's going to be really real? This one is a FOR SURE. Each and every step has has filled me with apprehension and makes it more real. Each step feels as you say "irrevocable" They haven't made it any easier.
  When I started HRT, I felt I could do it and stop if I decided it wasn't right for me, I haven't stopped and I am running out of that grace period where it wasn't irrevocable. I haven't stopped, yet. But I still have those nagging doubts. With each doctor visit I delve deeper into belonging here, really belonging. I think I fear that being true.

  I'm not sure that makes any sense.

Jeanette

  Heck I'm even crying about it now. Dang hormones.

Laurie's comments about apprehension and making things "feel more real" really struck me.  On some levels I'm still terrified or at least apprehensive.  But, I'm also loving the changes I have noticed, especially the last couple of weeks as my breasts have started to develop.

So as I was saying earlier in this post, I even when I thought I was ready to stop, I just kept going.  I really don't want to stop. It has become my new normal and a part of who I am and a part of my daily schedule.  Does this mean it is right for me?  God knows I have every reason to stop, but I'm not sure I have any reason to continue.  I haven't had any desire to dress overtly or underdress and I have no plans on transitioning or going full time.  I'm not against it and a part of me would embrace that I guess, but maybe I'm just being optimistic, as the idea of starting over likle that terrifies me, especially the wardrobe and makeup part of it all.

So to sum up, While I have had some thoughts of stopping, I haven't.  Every time it nears the time for my next dose, I'm looking forward to it in a sense.  I started all of this believing I could stop at any time I wanted.

I just wish I had a better sense as to whether or not I was doing the right thing.

Myranda, everything you are going through completely resonates with me. One of the things that has helped me not to feel overwhelmed by the whole thing is to take one day at a time and just stop thinking about "everything that I have to do to be the woman I dream about" and just go with the flow. We have a lot of things to learn and do but if we keep thinking about it instead of just taking small steps and one day at a time, we will be extremely stressed out.

Just popping in to say that I've been feeling quite a bit down of late.  Not sure if it is the Holidays, the fact that it has been a year since my wife left, or the fact that I'm just beginning to acknowledge/think that maybe HRT was not the answer or tool i thought it might be.  Or if it is a change in the functioning downstairs.  Or some combination of any of this.

When I started, I told myself, 6-months before I will start to re-evaluate things, and that point is coming up quickly.

The one thing I do know for sure, is that I love my wife more than anything.  And whatever it is that lead me to start this journey ruined that relationship.

Quote from: Myranda on October 30, 2017, 08:25:00 PM

The good news is that I definitely do not feel any worse.  This is becoming more and more clear to me everyday.  When I started, one of the major reason I did so was to be on the look out for the changes in me emotionally and mentally.  Did I feel better about myself, did I like the new me etc...So this lack of change has really left me scratching me head.   Does it mean I am really of 2-genders, neither male nor female?  That may say more about me that I can admit or know right now.  But I do know that I was hoping for more clarity about the mental and emotional portion of all of this at this point.

Because of my age, I started HT with what I thought were pretty low expectations. I, too, thought that there would be more of a "mental" impact. There wasn't, and hasn't been much of, if any changes in that regard in a year. While I would never say that others haven't really experienced what they reported, I think in some regards that aspect may be a little overblown. It certainly caused me to expect "something" when I should have been expecting "nothing."

Physically, I guess I'll have to say HT exceeded my very low expectations. Changes haven't been dramatic, of course, but they're noticeable and pleasing to me.

I wouldn't presume to advise you on your relationship or your direction. I will say that you'll find a lot of confirmation bias on this site. I do hope that you're able to find the clarity and strength to do what's right for you.

All the best,
--AshleyP

Quote from: AshleyP on November 28, 2017, 04:11:46 PM
... I will say that you'll find a lot of confirmation bias on this site. I do hope that you're able to find the clarity and strength to do what's right for you.

All the best,
--AshleyP

Confirmation can certainly help cloud things up a bit.

I'm closer to stopping this journey, but there is still something holding me back, and I cannot get a grasp on what that might be.  I'm already a month over what I had told myself, would be a good stopping point.  I consciously chalk that up to my GD being unavailable to see me in December due to her own personal situation.  And now when I look at my tracker, I;'m starting to think, what is another 5 months.

And a large part of me is like, why can't a develop up top a bit faster/more?  I know that is a bit unreasonable to expect/  But hast being said there is some definite shape and protrusion, but at the same time it is spread out so its not too noticable, but I do know that there is a decent amount of new volume there that wasn't there 7 months ago.

Hi Myranda,

   I was scrolling down this thread to get to the newer posts when I saw a post with my now middle name on it. I stopped to see if it was really one on mine and yes it was. I checked the dates on your post where the quote of mine was a saw it was back in October and mine was last March. I read them and was pleased to seen that you related with my post and that it seemed to help a little. For that I am glad because that is what we try to do here.
  Then I finished scrolling to your post for today. I am sorry to here now that you are still having trouble deciding that this is right for you and that you are close to deciding to stop. That made me a little sad for you because you know I have gone through that uncertainty myself. Those second thoughts and those same doubts. But then I see signs oh hope for you. Signs that you like what is happening and even a bit of excitement for what is yet to come in your wish that it would hurry up. You like your developing breasts and so did I. When I would undress in the bathroom and see myself in the mirror I could not help but smile and say to myself "Those are breasts, and they are mine!" I still marvel at them at times and yes I want them to grow more too. And then there is that bit of anticipation when you have another dose coming up. That is you wanting to continue as is the thinking what's another five months.
  I finally got past that "Am I doing the right thing" It took awhile yes but then I looked back over each step I had taken and in spite of the questioning and fear I still took it and it was the right thing for me to do. Every one of them. I suspect that if you reflected on you own steps you will think they all were good for you. Everyone of then.
   I'm sure some of your indecision is what starting did for you relationship with your wife and yes that is a terrible thing to have happen. I have no doubt you love your wife. It did not come into play in my journey at least not directly because I ruined my relationship with mine and my daughter over 23 years ago. I thought I had resolved the problems with my daughter long ago but no I lost her again when I came out to her. With her I lost my five grandchildren. Now both events haunt me. So I too know something about loss. But it has not stopped me from continuing my transition. Why? Because stopping would not change a thing and i would still have these problems haunting me. I have nothing to gain by stopping and maybe I will come out of my depression that events current and past has put me into. I know all of my decisions about transition have been right for me.  I think they probably have for you too.

Hugs,
   Laurie
   

Thank you Laurie

The last few days or so, I've really started to notice my breasts.  They've been a bit itchy, but nothing that I would come close to call distracting.  And they have definitely looked a bit puffy too.   

This morning while I in the shower, I really felt them "in the way" with my upper arms as I was washing.  While I don't have an exact measurement of my aereolas from before I started HRT, I'm pretty sure they have doubled in size at this point. (7 months 3 weeks).  If and when I touch my nipples they definitely feel different in a very good way, no longer just kind of there.  They are not so much more reactive.  They become hard to the touch and are so deliciously sensitive.  In short they remind me a lot of a woman's nipples and how they felt under my fingers tips.  This could be come a "problem!"

So I'm still very much on the fence.  I'm not sure I "Want" to stop, but I may need to very brief for reasons that I won't get into here.  When I saw my doctor 2 weeks ago, my Estradiol level was 260pg/mL) (of 100-200pg/mL), but I had taken my big morning dose about 2.3-3 hrs before and it took a long time to dissolve and get absorbed so it might have been artificially high.  My GD put int an order for repeat lab work, so we can double check my levels.  My T is 80ng/dL) and their target range is less than 55, but I stopped the Spiro for a few different reasons in December as I was thinking of stopping HRT.

But while I was there talking to my GD, I asked about Progesterone, and their clinic doesn't have a real protocol for prescribing Progesterone, but I talked to her about it and she said she would be happy to prescribe it if I wanted, but due to potential complication from it they would not prescribe it long term, probably only a couple years, no biggie there to me.

So today I picked up my Progesterone prescription today and they have me cycling it, to mimic natal female bodies (can I say how many days a month?  If so I can edit this post to put that it in here).  I'll probably start that this weekend wit the beginning of the new month or may be wait until next week or some of the reasons I hinted at up above).

I'm just in a really odd spot right now.  A part of me wants to stop and reassess and a part of me wants to keep going until the 1 year point and then reassess.  I don't mind the changes I'm seeing in my body and am very encouraged by them, but mentally, I don't feel any different.  Maybe another wy to describe it, because I think there may be some other types of mental changes, would be that I'm not opposed to it, but I'm not unopposed to it either.  A lot of my reasons for wanting to stop are purely personal and related to personal events of the past year or so... NNot to mention the sense of  "terror" I feel about actually fully transitioning.  It is not so much the idea of transtioning that scares me, it is all the other baggage that goes along with it.  I'm fairly comfortable with the ways thgins are but there is a seed of doubt there and something, a little voice ,that every now and then gets really loud sand kind of possessive that says, yes, you want this because you need this.  And I guess what really scares me about that is that is is a rather sudden awakening of sorts.  I'm definitely not the typical transgender person who knew from an early age and forceably surpressed it until it was unbearable.

Ok that is enough rambling for now...

Hi Myranda,

If you are having second thoughts because of reasons external to you, like people's opinions or what might happen, I think it's completely normal. It happened to me as well and I had the opportunity to travel and be by myself which helped me realize I did want to transition. Maybe you just need some alone time? Without all the background noise.

Quote from: Myranda on January 30, 2018, 05:16:45 PMBut while I was there talking to my GD, I asked about Progesterone, and their clinic doesn't have a real protocol for prescribing Progesterone, but I talked to her about it and she said she would be happy to prescribe it if I wanted, but due to potential complication from it they would not prescribe it long term, probably only a couple years, no biggie there to me.

What complications? Doctors sometimes confuse progesterone with other progestins and believe the same complications noted with other progestins will happen with progesterone which studies have shown not to be the case and attributed it to different molecular structures. I think it is important to discuss this point with doctors.

For instance, progesterone appears to have no effect on coagulation, no deleterious effects on the cardiovascular system and does not appear to increase the risk of breast cancer. Women produce progesterone all through their adult years (several decades) until menopause, sometimes in very high amounts during pregnancy. So why should we only take it for a few years is what intrigues me and something you could bring up next time you see the doctor.

Quote from: Charlie Nicki on January 31, 2018, 07:43:16 AM
Hi Myranda,

If you are having second thoughts because of reasons external to you, like people's opinions or what might happen, I think it's completely normal. It happened to me as well and I had the opportunity to travel and be by myself which helped me realize I did want to transition. Maybe you just need some alone time? Without all the background noise.

Thanks Nicki, that is a part of it and I agree that I'm sure that kind of time would help me sort things out.  Sadly that kind of time alone is not in my cards at the moment just now.

I just wanted to post a quick update here, nothing major, but Over the last few days, I have really noticed that I now have real honest to god breasts.  While they are not large by any stretch of the imagination, they are a bit noticeable..  When just wearing a tee-shirt, my nipples are more than a bit noticeable in how they project and protrude through my tee-shirt.  Looking straight down my chest I can really see my cleavage becoming quite noticeable to me.  And last night I slept in a cami-style top and it really accentuated them and confirmed for me that they are in fact there now. There is even a very prominent gap across my sternum at the center of the cami proving that my perceived cleave is in fact quite real.

Quote from: Myranda on February 11, 2018, 08:16:08 AM
I just wanted to post a quick update here, nothing major, but Over the last few days, I have really noticed that I now have real honest to god breasts.  While they are not large by any stretch of the imagination, they are a bit noticeable..  When just wearing a tee-shirt, my nipples are more than a bit noticeable in how they project and protrude through my tee-shirt.  Looking straight down my chest I can really see my cleavage becoming quite noticeable to me.  And last night I slept in a cami-style top and it really accentuated them and confirmed for me that they are in fact there now. There is even a very prominent gap across my sternum at the center of the cami proving that my perceived cleave is in fact quite real.

That's great!