Quote from: tgirlamc on September 29, 2017, 02:39:06 PM
My Dear Sister Sara....
I was so saddened to see this! After how far you've come don't let negative thinking rob you of the light of hope in the distance!... You just started HRT!!! This is the time for patience not hasty reactions to the fears which our mind can generate so very easily ...
Even if you want to de transition, you should stick around here where you have a network of friends around the world to support you and cheer you on with whatever you choose to do with your life!!!....and, you certainly can stay on the HRT and present as male in everyday life until you've processed where you need to go with all this stuff
You know that I was very close to deleting my account a while back too and you didn't want me to... I said I would stick around here for you ...if you keep putting one foot in front of the other for me!!!
I'm the one asking you to stick around now!!!
With Hugs, Love and Hope that there are always better days ahead!!!
Your Sister,
Ashley Marie 
This is really good Ashley. I can't give rep points yet but just a thumbs up.
I would love to look like Jennifer Lawrence, moles, freckles and all or Milla Javovich's small boobs and all but... I don't. It doesn't make me any less feminine though or less of a woman. Actually my boobs are bigger than Milla's
Look Sara. We all want look better than what we do and that is a feminine thing. We will never look how we want to look ideally. Guys are different though and I kind of envy them because they don't seem to care much. They actually may but it is like "I am me and IDGAF how I look, take it or leave it."
But we as women have makeup. Learn how to use that to your advantage as a woman. I have and usually don't let my real face known until I am ready to spend the night and then I am nervous and scared ->-bleeped-<-less when the morning comes. To be completely honest with you, I look in the mirror and I see ugly all the time with or without makeup. I will probably feel that way all of my life. That is the way most women feel. We need to be reassured and we may never no matter what someone else tells us. So I do understand.
I envy guys, I really do because they can jump out of the shower, dry their short hair or throw some gel in it, throw on clothes and the clothing don't even have to match and brag about scars and imperfections. I can't. I have to plan my outfits, spend time shaving my legs and underarms because OMG I should have stubble there, fixing my hair and applying makeup just to go on a date. Then when we find the right guy they have to audacity to complain because it takes us so long to get ready to go out. Guys can get ways totally with stubble on their face, can we with "cactus legs"?
Look and I won't lie, there is nothing easy about being a woman. The only time it gets easy and not even for us is when we spend the weekend at the house and going no where. I like going out though with my boyfriend and he can look like a slob but I can't. That is part of being a woman and embracing it. The shaving, the hair and the makeup along with the clothing. It is not as easy as just throwing on clothes that may match or not and shoes. I go grocery shopping every Saturday and sometimes my boyfriend goes with me and sometimes he has to work. Sometimes I get lazy and don't shave my legs until I get back home but always my face and what grows on my chest because I dress in female clothing.
Whatever you decide, you have to decide. Nothing about being a woman is easy. You can be Danica Patrick but I bet when she walks into a car dealership to buy a car and not everyone knows her face, she gets the same BS as any woman would from a salesman.
I will tell you it sux but it sux so good the shaving, the plucking, the piercing, the growing, the cutting and finding the right cut, the coloring and recoloring until you find the right color and all the other crap.
But with all that, don't quit here because from what I have seen in my short time there are a lot of people that have been where you came from, where you are and where you want to eventually get too. Everyone has made really good points.
I will again be totally honest. Being trans will always suck. I sucked for me when I was 14 and it still sucks sometimes at 48 and it will probably sometimes suck until I die from old age or whatever like disease. So maybe just bite back a little and make it your own. I will tell you honestly, I am a trans woman, I have always been a trans woman even while hiding it and I will always be a trans woman. I own it. I admit it and always will. I am not cis and never will be but I can choose who I am and even a lot of cis men and women do not.
You are still here and still wanting help and that speaks volumes about your inner strength so don't let anyone ever tell you different. We can't all look like Jennifer Lawrence but even looking that comes with a price. I was somewhat pretty when I was young and I paid the price even when I tried to play the "guy role". But never let looks or expectations of looks or beauty play a role in your transitioning or detransitioning. That my dear is all on you and how you feel about yourself. But never let a beauty standard choose who you are. I really didn't have a choice. Even that may sound like it don't suck but it still did. I was either gay or a sissy. My best friend in child hood still says that I am gay because I like guys. He is gay and has no clue about gender identity but he is now trying too at least.
So seriously have some patience. Even LGBs to not totally understand Ts. We are different than the LGBs because for us it isn't about sex but how we see ourselves or want to see ourselves. I really don't want to do this but I will say it is deeper than sexual desire, the T is about self Identity and we feel "self" so strongly that we go totally against accepted societal standards. Carl Jung would be proud because this sense of self and totally on us and our own sense of self and individuality instead of a "herd" mentality. I have "Psycho" friends that have MDs in Psychiatry and they can't even understand fully the identity of "Self". To be honest they don't have a clue. Jung did but Freud is still dominant and with him it seemed to be a all bout sexual ->-bleeped-<-. Everyone knows what a "Freudian Slip" is but no one really picks up on a "Jungian Slip". I have studied both and Freud was a freak. Jung expanded more elaborately yet most Psychiatrists, m friends included have no real idea of the expanses of the human mind. They can prescribe medicine according to workings of the brain such as Neurology but the human mind exist outside the confines of the human brain. To me that is why the trans deal is so hard to explain, because there is no explanation that can actually be defined by the brain. Being trans is more about sense of self and that can not be explained other than through Psychology. Psychiatry may be able to help a little but Psychiatry is not the same as Psychology.
So don't say good bye. You may very well go back and forth. We have different levels of transgender and to be completely honest you need to pick one or the other or in between before you are totally diagnosed. You should be a certain age and jump through hoops. I am not an idiot or a gate keeper either. But you need to be totally sure. As a Psychologist I can't judge or even know but I am not a counselor or therapist either. Counseling and Therapy is not my deal.. Believe or not I paid big bucks for my degree and never charge a dime. Eventually I may write a book or find the answer to help others but MDs get paid, counselors and therapists get paid, I could even teach but nah. I will still do what I do and try to find answers and try to help others.
OMFG if that didn't help anyone then I don't know what would. The sense of self is more important than what anyone thinks of you. If you are wanting beauty then a lot of women and even men have messed up the true nature of beauty through doctors accepting their money to do whatever they wanted. Beauty is normal and if your are the ugliest person or think you are on the face of the earth there will always be someone to love you.
Look sweetie some real seriousness. I am not beautiful but I don't need to be as long as I am pretty enough for the man that loves me. Even just the man that loves me at the time. How many cis women look like Jennifer Lawrence and how many look like the Gangster mom from The Goonies? Yes there is youth compared to age and so on but take the show on FXX Your The Worst. What about the fat young girl on that show? She is beautiful but what about in thirty years? She still may be beautiful and chubby but maybe not either.
So in short and I should have said this but I love to write if you can't tell, don't let todays ideals of beauty define who you may or may not be tomorrow. Looks should not define anything about transitioning or detranstitioning. That you should do to feel normal and screw the looks.
This is the bad thing about counselors and therapist and that is they own a "practice". You will be a repeat customer. Psychiatrists too to be honest. Repeat business and "clients". Yes we may need them but for me and why I choose not to go into a private practice is that I don't want or would want you to need me as a paycheck. So as a gender therapist, I would tell you like it is. It sucks and I would probably be dressed in makeup and skirt and either pumps or high heels but I would not want you to be a constant client either. I would want you to confront it, come to terms with it and become comfortable with it enough to be secure with it and then be able to handle it on your own. That is one reason why I will never be rich. I would rather see you, help you and not see your anymore because you can deal with it. When you can deal with it then I did do my job and that is why I paid for my education. To help others and not make me rich. I am a Parapsychologist and don't even charge. To me being trans is more parapsychology than Psychiatry or normal everyday Psychology because who you are ascends what you are physically.
Yeah I know that last part was little over the tops so sorry to the mods and you too. But.... maybe it is something to think about too. So just think about it and own it and make no excuses ever for who you are. Deep down we all know who we are I believe anyway. But when it comes down to reality and the world, I know nothing other than who and what I am. That is what counts. I kind of sux that I don't look like Jennifer Lawrence and as young but I don't have the moles she does either. I saw her leg on American Hustle earlier and she had them on her left leg too at least. So sometimes beauty is flawed the closer look you take at it.
So does any of that make sense or am I just crazy? But coldHeart, what I see in the mirror is not beauty. What I see is me. Even with my hair fixed and full on makeup it was and still just me. I depended on who I was dating at the time to tell me if I was beautiful enough and that was about worthless. Men. God bless them but damn them too because all they cared about was not how I looked but how hungry or thirsty they were. But I put all that work in for them. OMFG I still do. Even if we go to KFC he don't give a crap but I do for him. So how I look is not for me but for him and he gives me one hell of a hard time over how long it takes to get ready but even though he complains it is a complement.
In short and I talk way too much. Being a woman is not easy and what you may think you see in the mirror is not what others may see. Some may not agree but transitioning is mostly mental. The physical part they can prescribe but there is no prescription to the mind. That is something that should be there already.
Hugs and I hope you can figure it out but don't quit just yet. Just find out who your are.
Love,
Jenn.
