I think if we make ourselves look better, we will feel better inside. I stopped lifting weights because the bigger I got, the more unhappy I became. Now, that I:m letting my nails grow n doing hair removal, I am sleeping better.

I know those GD Triggering moments all too well when you see a woman somewhere and think "That is a great look. I wonder..." Before you know it it is nearly impossible to hold back the tears. All the worse for me since there was a time not too long ago I was out and about being one of those women, or free to experiment. The intensity increases tenfold with just a small increase in the GD overall.

For the past few weeks I've taken to presenting female every day at home. Outside is still VERBOTEN in accordance with the House Rules. Down side was the return of the Sunday evening deep depression, this time triggered by taking off my earrings. Overall, the GD and "Bad Days" have been fewer. Even got a couple of compliments from my wife... after about a week

It wouldn't be so bad if it wasn't all day, every day. I have to immerse myself in something just to stop thinking about it. It can't be TV or anything with women. Fighting an obsession with other obsessions. 

Here's something interesting. I know this bi guy. He's hinted around trying to see if I'm interested. I know he suspects something is different about me. Perhaps, he thinks he can "turn" me. I know he also likes trans and crossdressers. When I joked about, he seemed quite receptive, which I ignored. We've known each other a long time. He also hints about moving back home to Oregon and tells me stuff like he thinks I would enjoy it there. Even when we joked about ->-bleeped-<-s, he alluded he wouldn't mind a "trans" wife. I just laughed at him (protection).

I'm like OMG. That hits a little close to home. Somehow, the idea has an attraction to me. Being a wife. Being female 24/7. I actually think he'd marry me as a woman! Don't think my wife would like that. . It's kinda scary that this thought is attractive to me. I do fantasize about being a woman during sex. So, actually transitioning and having sex as a wife isn't a stretch.

Not sure how to handle this feeling except to put it out of my mind. It's kinda scary.

Quote from: amandam on October 14, 2017, 12:32:28 PM
Not sure how to handle this feeling except to put it out of my mind. It's kinda scary.

One of my favorite techniques    The try to part that is.

Quote from: JayneAlison on September 15, 2017, 11:15:08 AM
As for me now, I've moved on from 'wanting to be a girl' to 'wanting to be me', which happens to be female. There is a difference, I think.

Yes, that would be key. I spend so much time wanting to be this girl, or that girl, and I keep looking, and wishing. Yet, I am never going to be the girls I see. That's a malfunction right there. I think I have to be like you. I need to want to be me, even if it's a female me. I have to find a way to not focus on the women I see. That would go a long way toward my internal happiness.

Well, I saw the new therapist today. She was a bit perplexed that I came in cause she thought there was a "plan" I and the other therapist had laid out. Working on anxiety-reduction, incorporating more femme things, letting go of masculine things, seeing how I'm feeling, etc. I was perplexed because I thought that this would be a continuation of the previous therapy. Anyway, we kinda worked that out. She only has openings every six weeks or so, and they'll call me for another appt. in January.

After some questions and answers, I asked her if she had any feeling on whether I was transsexual or not. She wouldn't directly answer but said I say many of the things her transsexual clients say. She also said that doesn't mean I have to or need to transition. It all just depends. She agreed with the other therapist that I should continue on the road, keep adding things, see where I end up. Sounds like Kaiser takes a conservative approach. She asked me if I wanted to transition. I said I didn't know for sure, but the idea is definitely attractive. I told her I definitely want to be a woman (in my mind), but don't know about going through a transition process. Told her the usual roadblocks I have discussed here.

She also said Kaiser does not really do low-dose hrt, even to potentially alleviate anxiety. She said that Kaiser will pay for hrt as a part of someone's transition. I heard that also about electrolysis. Kaiser will give it to someone in transition but not otherwise. I guess I could lie to get hrt, but with a full dose, and my family's women being overly endowed, I could quickly find myself with a dilemma.

So, with my current insurance, it's kinda like I have to decide to transition if I want more than therapy. Not sure I can make the call. I was hoping I could add more femininity. And if that isn't enough, try a low dose of hormones. And if that isn't enough, electrolysis, finally, SRS if needed. Kinda ruins my plan.

I'm not ready to make a full commitment to transition. Not sure if it's right for me. I don't want to "try it". That doesn't seem like the right thing to do. I keep getting these all or nothing propositions in life.

Not sure how to deal with this new info.

Trust, But Verify

She isn't the doctor. Yes, the endo at Kaiser may "typically" only do transitioning HRT, since that is what 99% of why people are there. Plus, it is not like you are tied to a bed and getting shot up or force fed pills. Even if they "think" you are on the transitioning path, you have the power to take 1/2 the pill, or shot or less. Next month, they tell you take more, write a script for more, you do the same. Monitor your test results, be aware of YOUR body, YOUR NEEDS. Adjust A/R. Three-Six or moths more later, when pressed, you come clean. Will they cut you loose? I think not. If they do? You have a 3-6 month "reserve" to find a doc nearby to do "Informed Consent"

Oh - Full Disclosure..... I am Born & Bred in NJ in a county where it it is especially true "It is Only Illegal if you get caught".  Your Life. Your Body..... Your Soul.  I am more then willing to do what I need to survive, as well as to protect my loved ones.

I do not see why why if you want to try low dose HRT, which is part of the WPATH SOC, Kaiser, with their basically FANTASTIC, TG Outreach, would not support that alternative path for someone who wants to manage their particular flavor of GD.

All the therapist is there for is to give you the CYA letter. Assuming Kaiser even wants that just to see you.

At the end of the day.... It is Your Body. Exercise your innate power. Do Not Settle. Do Not Resign YOUR FAITH to others hands

They have that gender orientation where you can find out about all of their TG services. Maybe I should go to that. They also have a group for transitioners, but I'm not there yet.

I wasn't sure I needed or even wanted to transition, but I tried out HRT to see what it would feel like.  I said as much to my doctor, and she prescribed it for me.   I didn't know dosages, but after being on it, I later found out it was a full transition dosage. 

You can try HRT for about a month before any physical changes. You won't really see any breast growth until the second month, even with a 'full' dosage. If you've been questioning for this long, it's probably worth it to try HRT to see how it makes you feel. As I said, there won't be any physical changes for the first month, but by then you will almost certainly notice any mental and emotional changes.

I still haven't been able to decouple the fetish part completely. It's still there. Even when I first dress up, I notice, um, er, a little bit of sexual response, I don't stay completely dry down there. Then I settle down, surf the web, etc. I also "want to" indulge the fetish part before I change clothes back to drab. This has me worried. I may not actually be trans, but I may just think I am, or I've built up this fantasy that can never be.

It also concerns me that only the cute girls make me jealous. It's always the girls in magazines, television, the mall. It's never the frumpy, older, thicker, normal middle-aged women. I've never been jealous of them. When I want to be a woman, it's always the cute ones. When I ask if I could change myself into a woman with transition, I always pause, it's always "what will the finished product be like?".

I'm serious, this really concerns me. I'm trying to lose weight, stop lifting, use my Tria 4x on hands and feet, and accept myself as less than John Wayne. It may be possible, once I am more like Johnny Depp or Frank Dillane, that thoughts of transition may fade. I am more like them physically. I wonder if my mental push toward total macho-ness was not just a fight against femininity, but also a fight to make myself like my dad and older brother, both very macho and virile. Maybe it is some sort of self-esteem problem, and once I deal with that, the desire to transition will lessen and I'll be more of a crossdresser.

Things to ponder. Anyway, feel free to comment on this newest pet theory of mine.

P.S. The hair on my toes seems to be completely gone now. Haven't seen any growth in the last two months.

I don't have any feedback on your latest theory, but I do think it's a little crazy how we are in similar spots/thoughts.  When you get it all figured out can you pm me please with the magic solution?

  I'm hung up on "what am I".  I think deep deep down, I'm a transwoman, but that's really hard for me to accept.  The implications of accepting it are almost overwhelming.  It's almost easier to sell myself on a non-binary or androgenous identity where I could present mostly female, but would have the safety net of possible guy mode.  Hedging my bets I guess.  Less impact on the people I care about.  Could be part time, or out compartmentally.  Maybe I'm anchored to the guy role I played so long, and I keep hoping I can forget about the trans stuff, because life would be much simpler, and when those TS thoughts crept in over the years, and deep
down I wanted to, the transphobia and other fears kicked in hard.  But that little voice keeps whispering "transition".  Sigh.

I think I'm going to continue exploring on a slow time table, with the idea the train may come to a station where I'm at peace stopping.  I'm working on breaking down the 40 years of neurotic paranoia that if i talked with my hands, or let my wrist be limp, or let my voice naturally be higher or have a more stereotypical female inflection, everyone will know I wanted to be a girl and was a crossdresser.  The problem is that I consciously suppressed it for so long, it moved to the subconscious and muscle memory.

Once i started shaving my body hair, there was no going back.  I really dislike seeing it in the mirror now.  And I'm starting laser on my face at the end of the month.  So we shall see.

Quote from: amandam on November 04, 2017, 10:34:01 PM
I still haven't been able to decouple the fetish part completely. It's still there. Even when I first dress up, I notice, um, er, a little bit of sexual response, I don't stay completely dry down there. Then I settle down, surf the web, etc. I also "want to" indulge the fetish part before I change clothes back to drab. This has me worried. I may not actually be trans, but I may just think I am, or I've built up this fantasy that can never be.

It also concerns me that only the cute girls make me jealous. It's always the girls in magazines, television, the mall. It's never the frumpy, older, thicker, normal middle-aged women. I've never been jealous of them. When I want to be a woman, it's always the cute ones. When I ask if I could change myself into a woman with transition, I always pause, it's always "what will the finished product be like?".

Your concerns are valid, especially if they are bothering you.  For what it's worth, I did not share these concerns when I was questioning myself.  Maybe there is a part of you that is warning you not to transition.  Then again maybe you're just different and all this is just you trying to deny who you are as a woman. No one can say for sure except for you.

I stand by my previous suggestion that you can try HRT without any permanent physical change.  If you find that it doesn't work for you, it's ok to admit that and accept who you are and not transition.  Or if you find that HRT is indeed better for you, then that's ok too.  I think the worst thing you can do is talk yourself into circles and take no action whatsoever.  HRT is almost certainly not permanent, even at a 'full' dosage, if you only take it for a month.  Try it and see how you feel.

You might be right. Somehow I may be trying to justify not being trans. Maybe I'm creating a self-justification to back off. Like some people who can talk themselves in or out of anything. We can call this pet theory number n+2.

With Kaiser, I think I have to tell them I want to transition to get HRT and get my therapist's recommendation. Then I have to go to the gender orientation. Then see an endocrinologist. I wish they could just give me a prescription and tell me to come back 30 days. If my head's clear, then I stay on HRT, if not, stop. Yeah, too simple. I know.

Yeah, a justification. I said, "frumpy, older, thicker, normal middle-aged women". Not all middle-aged women are like that. I know plenty who've I've been jealous of. Even one older lady I worked with. I thought it must be nice to be her. Yeah, maybe I was freakin' out a bit.

<contemplative thinking> Yeah, I could be a woman. I could even transition under the right circumstances. Don't know if that is in the cards for me. All of my stars would have to align for that to happen.

Back to square one. Back on task. Lose weight, Tria 4x, nails are shorter but nice, try to relax and give it time.

You don't have to use Kaiser to try low dose hrt.  You can go to the LGBT center and see their doc under informed consent, and I'm sure there others in socal.

Quote from: Another Nikki on November 05, 2017, 05:27:13 AM
You don't have to use Kaiser to try low dose hrt.  You can go to the LGBT center and see their doc under informed consent, and I'm sure there others in socal.

Wow, didn't know that. I had to look up the definition. Thanks!

Quote from: echo7 on November 05, 2017, 01:26:40 AM
Your concerns are valid, especially if they are bothering you.  For what it's worth, I did not share these concerns when I was questioning myself.  Maybe there is a part of you that is warning you not to transition.  Then again maybe you're just different and all this is just you trying to deny who you are as a woman. No one can say for sure except for you.

I stand by my previous suggestion that you can try HRT without any permanent physical change.  If you find that it doesn't work for you, it's ok to admit that and accept who you are and not transition.  Or if you find that HRT is indeed better for you, then that's ok too.  I think the worst thing you can do is talk yourself into circles and take no action whatsoever.  HRT is almost certainly not permanent, even at a 'full' dosage, if you only take it for a month.  Try it and see how you feel.

I sort of had this in mind when I started HRT, but once I got going I just couldn't stop. I had a kind of estrogen euphoria for the first few months and I guess I was strangely "addicted" to that sensation. Am no longer addicted but I stayed on it long enough (now over 18 months) to have some pretty profound changes that are now permanent. I am not sure how a month's trial could be done in my case. How does that work exactly? What can you learn from just a month's test?.....

Had another dream. This was me as a woman, doing various things. I've had three dreams now, but a different woman each time. Once, I was an older woman, once I was a teen girl, and recently, a woman in her 30's. They weren't the same woman at different ages, they were completely different women. In the two women's dreams, I was happy. In the teen dream, it was so quick, I couldn't tell. It was more of a face shot. If I was born female, this teen would have been very close to what I would look like in real life. I don't understand these dreams.

Still doing the Tria. It looks like it's having some effect. Hair getting thinner and slower growing. Started with the first setting, now on 2. Getting ready to go to 3. It hurts, so I take Advil about an hour ahead of time.

I keep asking myself questions to try to pin-point myself on the spectrum. A recent question I'm trying to ask is, if I see a really beautiful woman, do I want to be her or have sex with her. Usually, the answer is be her. But, many times it's desire her sexually while I'm a man. I'm trying to nail this down. How much of a man am I? Is my sexual desire for her just because I'm in a man's body with male sexual urges? Or is it the core of my being?

Could I transition if I was beautiful like her, yes. If not, I don't know. Should I remain a man? I don't know. Do I like being a man? Meh. Sometimes. Rather be a woman multiple times throughout the day.

This circling of desires never seems to end.

I get it.  Or rather once again we are in very similar spaces.  I told my therapist last week that I was struggling with the idea or doubt I could be stuck in fantasy land, and for some reason I'm imagining this to be some kind of gender identity issue.  Her response was clearly I have gender dysphoria, have had gender questions for 40 years or more (started cd'ing at 5) and it typically progresses and does not go away.  And so the goal is to reduce or eliminate the dysphoria, in whatever way works for you, but in her experience that often means hrt + feminine gender expression.

My rough plan at this point is get rid of the facial hair.  It really bothers me.  I joined a support group and started going to events.  I'm going out to dinner next week en femme, amongst the muggles with a trans friend.  I'm working on losing weight.   Maybe that will be enough and I can be occasional part time. 

If not, the next step is low dose hrt.  I'm really curious about the diagnostic modality.  If I hate it, maybe that means I'm not so trans after all and I can CD and be free.  I'm worried that I'll love it, all bets will be off and I'll need to up it to transition dosage.  I'm actually completely terrified of that.  But I'm also very worried about not trying it, being kinda miserable, and asking myself 10 years later when my kids are gone wtf i did wasting ten years of my life?

I've also concluded I've been a coward.  I was a coward for not facing it when deep deep down I knew there was something there more than a kink 25 years ago.  And so in a year if the dysphoria is still there, and I feel the need to try hrt, and I don't, then once again, I will be a coward.

I am NOT calling you or anyone else a coward.  I'm only speaking for myself; everyone's needs and paths are different.

You're not a coward, many of us spent years unwilling or unable to face this.
You did it when you were ready to do it, it's that simple. [emoji4]
Regarding HRT as a diagnostic, I tried an 8-week low dose trial before going full-time. The effect to me was a subtle but noticeable reduction in GD, but the real key was the negative impact of stopping. X

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