Having a home is very important to me. Extra appreciation came when I was fired from my job in 2011 based on discrimination. Health issues led to me having to sell everything I had, before repossession took it. My car, home and land. Things I worked worked hard for in unforgiving Idaho. I spent ten months homeless, living in an abandoned panel truck. My firing and outing went hand in hand, and while I was alone, I was hunted, and beaten.
I had only one option, and that was to go see my mother, and tell her I'm transgender. I did, and she accepted me, gave me a new home to live in, and helped me to pick up the pieces. I gained access to internet, and found a local support group, but it was poorly managed. I found a second support group, but it was worse. The second supports group actually discriminated against me for being in a crisis state, and denied the support I was almost begging for. I attempted suicide NOT because I was angry at being tossed aside, but because of the fear of being murdered just walking out my moms door. During the second violent assault, three drunk men stalked me, and tried to stab my throat.
After that incident, I tried to take my own life. I was hospitalized, and sent in for psychiatric help. During this time my transgender identity was ignored, and further damage occurred. Idaho. I took care of myself, I decided that I was not going to be forced away from the life I deserved. I turned my focus towards the things I could change for the better. I let go of my fears of things I didn't have control over. Step by step, I regained my dignity, and self worth.
That second LGBT support group that rejected me based on my state of crisis has disbanded. I was very bitter during the year they isolated me from my own community (the administrators of that local group). Later, after I requested to attend the local TDOR they organize did I learn they disbanded, and it saddened me.
There is a new support structure for LGBT people living in north Idaho, being run by the same people. It is my hope that they learned from their mistakes. Even so, I cannot afford to include myself with them.
I was bitter. How does one try to ask for support after that? I just moved on, and decided instead of feeling universally discriminated, I realized I did nothing wrong. With the support of my mom, I found ways to work for what I needed. For a long time, I felt sorry for myself, feeling like a helpless victim. Realization came when my mom told me to stop putting my head down low -to hold it up, and fight for my right to be happy.
I don't want this account to be a negative reflection of past bad experiences. My voice was silenced for so long, I never had an outlet find support.
Susan's gave me the courage to speak out. What happened in the past is behind me, I made it through. Each day now is a step in the right direction, and I learned how to walk by myself. Susan's showed me that I don't have to walk alone, and the community I need is just a click away. Not to sound corny, but I have two homes now.
Where I live is difficult, but it's my home. Something no one should have to run away from. Any way I can, I'm going to try to make my small area better. The stories, accounts, resources, and people here are where I've found a new feeling of acceptance. Being here helps me remember important lessons learned from the past, and not to drag the negative with me. I see people helping people. I can feel past scars healing, honestly I do. Susan's Place is all of us. These past weeks since joining here have made me feel included. I needed that.
