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Why am I still hesitant to go through with the trans?

Started by Lexi Nexi, December 21, 2017, 12:36:18 AM

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xAmyX

If I have doubts in something, I don't just jump on the table. I think it through, and if I can't find a way to remove those doubts and be ready for that change, I will not undergo it. I was told by two people that they would gladly write me my letters for SRS, and yet I have not bothered asking for those letters even though I could have had SRS 7 months ago. If I'm not sure about something, I wait. Plain and simple.

The last thing I want to do is do something I regret for the rest of my life. Hormone Therapy is not something I doubted, nor is it something I regret. That's why I went in without looking back. SRS on the other hand.. yeah.. I don't think that's going to happen anytime soon, and when/if it ever does, that's because I was ready.

Daisy Jane

I'm 18 months in and sometimes the anxiety creeps in and I wonder if I've made a mistake. I'm definitely better than I was before starting. I think before I made the decision, the fear that kept me from moving forward was really the fear of the unknown. It's the devil you know.
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xAmyX

Get into the habit of conquering your fears. Every time you find yourself doubting something small, take the challenge, and build your will up. Starting small could be something as simple as maybe you're too shy to talk to that girl at the front desk that always greets you warmly by your name, yet you overrule that fear, walk over there, and start a conversation with her, making a new friend that may be of great companionship as time progresses.

I find this to be a pretty effective strategy towards having it in you to do larger and larger things. Embrace that fear! Own your instincts! Do the unexpected!

Sometimes we want things, but our fear will stop us from making it happen. Build your will up, and smite that fear into the abyss. Now, if fear isn't the underlying obstacle, and there are intellectual obstacles based off of the current information you know that is disdaining you from progressing towards that outcome, you have all the right to tread cautiously, perhaps not making the move at all until you can find reasons to overrule the cons of that pursuit.

Lexi Nexi

Quote from: tgirlamc on December 21, 2017, 10:04:47 AM
Hi Lexi...

I hope all is well today little sister!...

2nd guessing, at it's root, is born of fears.... a perfectly understandable feeling when one contemplates change of great enormity.... transition's changes touch just about every aspect of your life to one degree or another and no matter how we try to think it through and envision how it will be... at the end of the day, it is still a leap of faith off a tall cliff and what will truly be at the bottom of it for us, is still an unknown...

So... we second guess and we question... What if I do all this and I am still not happy???

The thoughts, questions and fear are a part of this process of change and you will come to the decision that is the right one at the right time for you... The fear sometimes wants to make itself bigger than it should be and often tries to be the loudest voice in the room... Don't allow that for long sister... There are other voices that need to be heard from as well... The ones that speak of hopes, dreams and possibilities

Keep putting one foot in front of the other... keep asking yourself questions and questioning those of us who jumped from the cliff already... You will find your way through all of this and...all will be well 😀!!!

I can tell you that, in my own case, I found my true self at the bottom of the cliff as well as an amazing, beautiful world that had just been waiting for me to arrive and become a part of it

Onward we go brave little sister!!!

Ashley 😀❤️🌻
Thanks :)

I think it would be much easier if I had a picture that looked like yours and someone told me you will looks like this in a year or two. But I may or may not be that lucky. I think my face won't be a problem but I  other body parts. That's just one small angle but seems to over ride alot of other things when I know it really doesn't matter.
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Sarah77

It's the $64 billion question. And there are usually countless people who will do everything to try and stop you being trans, like it is a choice.

Is it any wonder we struggle?
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tgirlamg

Quote from: Lexi Nexi on December 24, 2017, 07:22:04 PM
Thanks :)

I think it would be much easier if I had a picture that looked like yours and someone told me you will looks like this in a year or two. But I may or may not be that lucky. I think my face won't be a problem but I  other body parts. That's just one small angle but seems to over ride alot of other things when I know it really doesn't matter.

Hello Dear Sister,

Sadly,  there are often few guarantees in life and especially in transition and what it will bring us... It is, in many ways, the leap of faith I spoke of but, I truly believe what we find at the bottom, in the end, is more what we make of it than we often know... We make choices internally all the time about how to react ... How to feel... What lens we view our situations through ... I think that offers us control over our life that is often left untapped and replaced with a feeling of being adrift with little control of where life's currents will take us...

When I lept off the cliff, I had hopes for how I would look in a year or two but no guarantees.. I looked like the "before" pic in post #1052 here...

https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,224896.msg2060612.html#msg2060612

when I started living fulltime femme outside my work...I knew that I would try FFS but I knew many who were not happy with their results and felt the surgery did absolutely nothing to make living in the world at the bottom of the cliff easier for them...

It is one of the biggest decision points in the process... To jump or not to jump... In my own case I knew a life of regret would follow a decision to not do it but, each of us has unique considerations and needs... If I could be of help to you in any way as you work through this... PLEASE!...Don't hesitate to PM me and let me know!

Onward we go brave Lexi!!!

Ashley 😀💗🌻
"To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else is the greatest accomplishment" ... Ralph Waldo Emerson 🌸

"The individual has always had to struggle from being overwhelmed by the tribe... But, no price is too high for the privilege of owning yourself" ... Rudyard Kipling 🌸

Let go of the things that no longer serve you... Let go of the pretense of the false persona, it is not you... Let go of the armor that you have worn for a lifetime, to serve the expectations of others and, to protect the woman inside... She needs protection no longer.... She is tired of hiding and more courageous than you know... Let her prove that to you....Let her step out of the dark and feel the light upon her face.... amg🌸

Ashley's Corner: https://www.susans.org/index.php/topic,247549.0.html 🌻
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Lexi Nexi

Quote from: tgirlamc on December 25, 2017, 12:11:52 PM
Hello Dear Sister,

Sadly,  there are often few guarantees in life and especially in transition and what it will bring us... It is, in many ways, the leap of faith I spoke of but, I truly believe what we find at the bottom, in the end, is more what we make of it than we often know... We make choices internally all the time about how to react ... How to feel... What lens we view our situations through ... I think that offers us control over our life that is often left untapped and replaced with a feeling of being adrift with little control of where life's currents will take us...

When I lept off the cliff, I had hopes for how I would look in a year or two but no guarantees.. I looked like the "before" pic in post #1052 here...

https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,224896.msg2060612.html#msg2060612

when I started living fulltime femme outside my work...I knew that I would try FFS but I knew many who were not happy with their results and felt the surgery did absolutely nothing to make living in the world at the bottom of the cliff easier for them...

It is one of the biggest decision points in the process... To jump or not to jump... In my own case I knew a life of regret would follow a decision to not do it but, each of us has unique considerations and needs... If I could be of help to you in any way as you work through this... PLEASE!...Don't hesitate to PM me and let me know!

Onward we go brave Lexi!!!

Ashley 😀💗🌻
WOW !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Thats amazing how you went from a very manly look: like I would think that first picture would not be a good candidate to transition from purely a looks point of view but the picture of you now are very attractive and almost unbelievable plus you look 20 years younger. I worry about the money part as I have a plan to get back to work( a real job is probably a few years off if ever :( ) but right now my physical disability as well as loss of most of my eye sight that cost me employment and going on social security. I have online investments I am making money off of but its not enough. It enough so far to have my face and upper body laser hair removed but thats it. Even just that simple procedure would be way out of reach for someone on benefits.
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rmaddy

Quote from: Lexi Nexi on January 09, 2018, 10:41:58 PM
...I would think that first picture would not be a good candidate to transition from purely a looks point of view but the picture of you now are very attractive and almost unbelievable plus you look 20 years younger.


I fear that you might be taking the wrong message from Ashley's post.  No one...no one...is a "bad candidate" to transition based on how they look.  The very idea that aesthetics are what validate transition is misogynistic garbage, repeated almost ad infinitum in these forums.  Ashley wasn't showing you her "pre" picture because she thinks a good cosmetic result validates her transition.  Rather, she showed the picture so that people who were insecure about transition would realize that the superficial things can be dealt with.

Be true to yourself.

Someone who thinks that they can only be a woman if they are beautiful in the most shallow sense is a troubled woman indeed.  Address the fears.  The rest works itself out.
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Lexi Nexi

Quote from: rmaddy on January 10, 2018, 01:30:29 AM
I fear that you might be taking the wrong message from Ashley's post.  No one...no one...is a "bad candidate" to transition based on how they look.  The very idea that aesthetics are what validate transition is misogynistic garbage, repeated almost ad infinitum in these forums.  Ashley wasn't showing you her "pre" picture because she thinks a good cosmetic result validates her transition.  Rather, she showed the picture so that people who were insecure about transition would realize that the superficial things can be dealt with.

Be true to yourself.

Someone who thinks that they can only be a woman if they are beautiful in the most shallow sense is a troubled woman indeed.  Address the fears.  The rest works itself out.

I agree with you totally I struggled with the wording of that sentence many time before picking the least offensive one but still didn't get my point across. I guess I was saying you have no idea how you will end up and every one that needs to transition should regardless of how you turn out. When you are a little kid and you grow up not like a perticular way you don't try to get stuck in puberty; but that doesn't make sense either.

I guess I just mean looks have nothing to do with what makes you feel like a girl: for some maybe just changing their clothes or make up but others may go the whole 9 yards with every medical plan available. It doesn't mater how you get to be a girl just that you feel like a girl. As much as I would like SRS I doubt ill do it because I have too many medical problems and it doesnt bother me too much because 99.9999999999 of people you mean are not going to see you take of your underware. And the person that does will be ok with it.

Im just really insecure this is hard. Not the hardest thing I have ever done but 99.9999% of people should never had to over come the things I have unless they have gone to war or equivalent.
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tgirlamg

Hey Lexi...

A couple more thoughts for you little sister...

A constant theme of mine around here is our perspective on the journey of transition...

When we move forward with transitioning because... the need to finally connect with the world and others, after a lifetime of hiding, is more important than preserving the facade we have held in place for a lifetime to avoid judgement... We are moving away from an existence we no longer care to maintain towards something that holds promise for us... Living our truth!!!... With such motivations and truth as the destination, I think we may find that, the doors of possibility in our life, long closed to us...may swing wide for us to explore

To go into this, with hopes of being able to transition to a physical expression that reflects our inner truth is a fine goal... It is one that most of us carry with us into our journey... It is when it becomes the goal above all else and our happiness is invested fully on what we achieve ...that we are leaving ourself open for unhappiness to fill the voids...

When we look at the space between where we end up with our physical transition and what we had envisioned before... Let self acceptance fill the gap and all will be well...

You will find your way and your own perspectives with all this stuff little sister... Keep asking the questions... Use the experiences of others here on the forum as your sounding board... Move forward in whatever way you choose in your life... Your journey will be your own...

Onward we go brave girl

Ashley 😀❤️🌻

"To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else is the greatest accomplishment" ... Ralph Waldo Emerson 🌸

"The individual has always had to struggle from being overwhelmed by the tribe... But, no price is too high for the privilege of owning yourself" ... Rudyard Kipling 🌸

Let go of the things that no longer serve you... Let go of the pretense of the false persona, it is not you... Let go of the armor that you have worn for a lifetime, to serve the expectations of others and, to protect the woman inside... She needs protection no longer.... She is tired of hiding and more courageous than you know... Let her prove that to you....Let her step out of the dark and feel the light upon her face.... amg🌸

Ashley's Corner: https://www.susans.org/index.php/topic,247549.0.html 🌻
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Lexi Nexi

Quote from: tgirlamc on January 10, 2018, 02:00:35 PM
Hey Lexi...

A couple more thoughts for you little sister...

A constant theme of mine around here is our perspective on the journey of transition...

When we move forward with transitioning because... the need to finally connect with the world and others, after a lifetime of hiding, is more important than preserving the facade we have held in place for a lifetime to avoid judgement... We are moving away from an existence we no longer care to maintain towards something that holds promise for us... Living our truth!!!... With such motivations and truth as the destination, I think we may find that, the doors of possibility in our life, long closed to us...may swing wide for us to explore

To go into this, with hopes of being able to transition to a physical expression that reflects our inner truth is a fine goal... It is one that most of us carry with us into our journey... It is when it becomes the goal above all else and our happiness is invested fully on what we achieve ...that we are leaving ourself open for unhappiness to fill the voids...

When we look at the space between where we end up with our physical transition and what we had envisioned before... Let self acceptance fill the gap and all will be well...

You will find your way and your own perspectives with all this stuff little sister... Keep asking the questions... Use the experiences of others here on the forum as your sounding board... Move forward in whatever way you choose in your life... Your journey will be your own...

Onward we go brave girl

Ashley 😀❤️🌻

Your posts are kind of like the dahli lamah's books where each time you reread you pick up on something you didn't the first time.
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xAmyX

Wow, you're looking very pretty tgirlamc! Can you tell me the reason you have 11:11 under your name? I'm very curious.

tgirlamg

Quote from: xAmyX on January 22, 2018, 02:50:50 AM
Wow, you're looking very pretty tgirlamc! Can you tell me the reason you have 11:11 under your name? I'm very curious.

Hello Amy!

Thanks so much for the kind words little sister!... You are actually the first one to ask me about the 11:11 although, one other user has mentioned it to me and already knew of its significance.

At the time I decided to transition in 2013, I started to see 1111 absolutely everywhere in my life... I wouldn't look at the clock for hours and when I did... 11:11... I would wake up and look at the clock 11:11... It was on kitchen timers, phone numbers on the side of trucks beside me at red lights, times on emails and texts, seemingly everywhere I looked...I was really bugging me to the point I complained about it to coworkers ... I finally googled 11:11 significance and found a multitude of pages like this

https://www.elephantjournal.com/2015/07/synchronicity-the-connection-to-1111-listening-to-signs-from-the-universe/

The gist of what they say is that it signifies my life is on its true and intended spiritual path... The synchronicity (meaningful significant coincidence) as described by Carl Jung, in my life has been off the charts ever since... I have become quite a student since then of quantum physics and the makings of this framework we call reality...

Onward we go....

Ashley 😀💗🌻
"To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else is the greatest accomplishment" ... Ralph Waldo Emerson 🌸

"The individual has always had to struggle from being overwhelmed by the tribe... But, no price is too high for the privilege of owning yourself" ... Rudyard Kipling 🌸

Let go of the things that no longer serve you... Let go of the pretense of the false persona, it is not you... Let go of the armor that you have worn for a lifetime, to serve the expectations of others and, to protect the woman inside... She needs protection no longer.... She is tired of hiding and more courageous than you know... Let her prove that to you....Let her step out of the dark and feel the light upon her face.... amg🌸

Ashley's Corner: https://www.susans.org/index.php/topic,247549.0.html 🌻
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Allison S

What is transitioning? I know that's a bit of a loaded question and everyone transitions differently but it's something I've wondered... I keep hearing "transitioning" or the journey. But what is it exactly?

Even on hrt it doesn't feel that way to me. Granted I'm only 4 months. It's just confusing to me and a bit depressing there's so much I want to do. I just feel it's emotionally and psychologically taxing.

Sent from my SM-G930T using Tapatalk
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Faith

Quote from: Allison S on January 22, 2018, 11:20:56 AM
What is transitioning? I know that's a bit of a loaded question and everyone transitions differently but it's something I've wondered... I keep hearing "transitioning" or the journey. But what is it exactly?

Even on hrt it doesn't feel that way to me. Granted I'm only 4 months. It's just confusing to me and a bit depressing there's so much I want to do. I just feel it's emotionally and psychologically taxing.

Sent from my SM-G930T using Tapatalk

There is no exact. Transitioning is simply what it takes to match your outsides with your insides.

Could be ...
make-up
how you dress
hair style
bodily changes
etc
etc

whatever it takes to make you happy inside and out.
I left the door open, only a few came through. such is my life.
Bluesky:@faithnd.bsky.social

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KathyLauren

Quote from: Allison S on January 22, 2018, 11:20:56 AM
What is transitioning? I know that's a bit of a loaded question and everyone transitions differently but it's something I've wondered... I keep hearing "transitioning" or the journey. But what is it exactly?

Even on hrt it doesn't feel that way to me. Granted I'm only 4 months. It's just confusing to me and a bit depressing there's so much I want to do. I just feel it's emotionally and psychologically taxing.

Sent from my SM-G930T using Tapatalk
Transitioning is the entire process from becoming aware of being trans to having an outcome that you are happy with, whatever that outcome is.

If you want to narrow it down to a single moment or event, I would say it is social transition: starting to live as one's true self.
2015-07-04 Awakening; 2015-11-15 Out to self; 2016-06-22 Out to wife; 2016-10-27 First time presenting in public; 2017-01-20 Started HRT!!; 2017-04-20 Out publicly; 2017-07-10 Legal name change; 2019-02-15 Approval for GRS; 2019-08-02 Official gender change; 2020-03-11 GRS; 2020-09-17 New birth certificate
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xAmyX

I'm glad Ashley that we share this phenomenon together. I have been seeing 11:11 myself thousands of times over since 2010 before I was first hit with chronic illness, and a lifetime of pain. I was bed ridden, and in being that way, I discovered "transitioning" as a possibility. I knew instantly in my heart that that is what I was meant to do. Then came motivation to improve myself. From going 100% vegan, exercising regularly, going through more herbal remedies, and antibiotics than I could have imagined. I have finally gained some of my vigor back. I can now run a 10K which is something I couldn't do since I was a child back in 1996-2002. For me, 11:11 was a guiding light towards discovering myself, and undergoing the steps appropriate towards living a better me. I find it fascinating that I've seen multiple trans women share it's blessing. You, myself, and some others. Although, I do not believe in a deity, I do believe in a universal consciousness that governs all. Many of us are more aware of it's embrace.

Jessica

Quote from: tgirlamc on January 22, 2018, 11:01:47 AM
Hello Amy!

Thanks so much for the kind words little sister!... You are actually the first one to ask me about the 11:11 although, one other user has mentioned it to me and already knew of its significance.

At the time I decided to transition in 2013, I started to see 1111 absolutely everywhere in my life... I wouldn't look at the clock for hours and when I did... 11:11... I would wake up and look at the clock 11:11... It was on kitchen timers, phone numbers on the side of trucks beside me at red lights, times on emails and texts, seemingly everywhere I looked...I was really bugging me to the point I complained about it to coworkers ... I finally googled 11:11 significance and found a multitude of pages like this

https://www.elephantjournal.com/2015/07/synchronicity-the-connection-to-1111-listening-to-signs-from-the-universe/

The gist of what they say is that it signifies my life is on its true and intended spiritual path... The synchronicity (meaningful significant coincidence) as described by Carl Jung, in my life has been off the charts ever since... I have become quite a student since then of quantum physics and the makings of this framework we call reality...

Onward we go....

Ashley 😀💗🌻

My wife's and my number is 444.  Ever since the number of days of the Iranian hostage ordeal, we see it often and kiss each time.

"If you go out looking for friends, you are going to find they are very scarce.  If you go out to be a friend, you'll find them everywhere."


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tgirlamg

Quote from: xAmyX on January 22, 2018, 01:03:14 PM
I'm glad Ashley that we share this phenomenon together. I have been seeing 11:11 myself thousands of times over since 2010 before I was first hit with chronic illness, and a lifetime of pain. I was bed ridden, and in being that way, I discovered "transitioning" as a possibility. I knew instantly in my heart that that is what I was meant to do. Then came motivation to improve myself. From going 100% vegan, exercising regularly, going through more herbal remedies, and antibiotics than I could have imagined. I have finally gained some of my vigor back. I can now run a 10K which is something I couldn't do since I was a child back in 1996-2002. For me, 11:11 was a guiding light towards discovering myself, and undergoing the steps appropriate towards living a better me. I find it fascinating that I've seen multiple trans women share it's blessing. You, myself, and some others. Although, I do not believe in a deity, I do believe in a universal consciousness that governs all. Many of us are more aware of it's embrace.

Amy!!!

I am so happy you too came to an amazing awakening in your own life as well my dear sister!!!

I placed the 11:11 there in my profile as a bit of a beacon for those who know there is far more going on than the world we witness with our eyes... I am glad there was some significance for you!!!

I too, believe that our reality is a construct of conciousness... The inward facing journey of transition can put us in such a wonderful position to face outward again and take in our reality from such a fresh vantage point from which life's connections can be seen in new ways...That is one reason, being a trans woman has felt like such a blessing in many ways to me... it has been such a springboard for personal growth as a concious being... The things we face and discuss here on the forum... the hard parts of the journey... pale in comparison to me with the growth that can be ours, if we choose to pursue it...

Onward we go brave sister!!!

Ashley 11:11

PS Jessica!!!

Here ya go...

https://willowsoul.com/blogs/numbers/5-reasons-why-you-are-seeing-4-44-the-meaning-of-444

I see repeating numbers all day 111 222 333 444 etc

My husband and I always kiss or text a <3 at 11:11
"To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else is the greatest accomplishment" ... Ralph Waldo Emerson 🌸

"The individual has always had to struggle from being overwhelmed by the tribe... But, no price is too high for the privilege of owning yourself" ... Rudyard Kipling 🌸

Let go of the things that no longer serve you... Let go of the pretense of the false persona, it is not you... Let go of the armor that you have worn for a lifetime, to serve the expectations of others and, to protect the woman inside... She needs protection no longer.... She is tired of hiding and more courageous than you know... Let her prove that to you....Let her step out of the dark and feel the light upon her face.... amg🌸

Ashley's Corner: https://www.susans.org/index.php/topic,247549.0.html 🌻
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Lexi Nexi

Quote from: tgirlamc on January 22, 2018, 11:01:47 AM
Hello Amy!

Thanks so much for the kind words little sister!... You are actually the first one to ask me about the 11:11 although, one other user has mentioned it to me and already knew of its significance.

At the time I decided to transition in 2013, I started to see 1111 absolutely everywhere in my life... I wouldn't look at the clock for hours and when I did... 11:11... I would wake up and look at the clock 11:11... It was on kitchen timers, phone numbers on the side of trucks beside me at red lights, times on emails and texts, seemingly everywhere I looked...I was really bugging me to the point I complained about it to coworkers ... I finally googled 11:11 significance and found a multitude of pages like this

https://www.elephantjournal.com/2015/07/synchronicity-the-connection-to-1111-listening-to-signs-from-the-universe/

The gist of what they say is that it signifies my life is on its true and intended spiritual path... The synchronicity (meaningful significant coincidence) as described by Carl Jung, in my life has been off the charts ever since... I have become quite a student since then of quantum physics and the makings of this framework we call reality...

Onward we go....

Ashley 😀💗🌻

I was wondering that too. Figured it was a date. For me the name Lexi was a whole bunch of coincidences that I can't explain. Even filtering out confirmation bias and calculating the odds it defied all the odds. The word Lexi told me to transition. I often tell people I never decide things in my life: I just wake up one day and suddenly realize I have been doing things wrong my whole life I change that instant for good and never go back. I didn't pick that name it picked me. If I believed in god I would call it a sign.

I decided to transition one day at the doctors when I asked for a form to switch to the HRT specialist. It asked what is the reason why I needed to see the doctor and wrote down "starting MTF HRT" and signed the bottom. It probably took me 20 minutes to write that one line as I had told no one about any of this for the last 30 years: almost my entire life. I knew once I wrote that down I could never go back. I'm so glad I did. Its like people transition one time or three times never two. I didn't even realize how miserable I was because I had just accepted that life sucks for some people and you can never be happy. I can't wait for this summer when I can give away all my boys clothes, have long hair and look like me: a short little blond girl that loves pink. Every time I dream thats what I always look like. Best feeling in the world is looking in the mirror and saying "you did it!". For the first time ever this week I could see a definite out line of my breasts not just a puffy chest.
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