I put my name on this thread in the sense that I would like to maybe guide it a bit. It is not intended to be my thread or my personal story. It is aimed at hearing from folks a little further along in transition. I have been thinking about this site and how I might help others in some way. I always love hearing about the lives of people further into their transition than me. I have also seen so many who are thinking about transitioning, or started transitioning and are wondering if it will get better, easier. Transition is certainly a tough thing to do especially early on. I know in my earliest days, I couldn't imagine all the new things I was dealing with in my new gender role becoming normalized. For me some things have and other things are still a struggle. I have had GCS and although that is part of what I have experienced, I don't want this exclusionary. Not everyone has GCS in their plans.
    I referred to a tipping point. What I mean is that time where things start to get a lot easier, where living starts to gear up and the transition part starts to fade. My hope is that this thread might continue for a while and be something that people can read to get some encouragement. My new reality is so good for me, and I know others have positive stories to be shared.
   To give a little of where I am coming from, I am a late in life transitioner (at  58) who has been full time about a year and a half. My GCS was six months ago. At the start, I was convinced this transition thing was im-freaking-possible. Today, I can't imagine life any other way.  I will leave it for now with a request for stories of memorable transition events where things seemed changed for you after they happen. What changed you? I never know if a thread will fall on its face, but I am hoping for something uplifting if you can give it a try.
Moni

           Great topic Moni - 'tipping point' for me, which happened years ago, is when one gets past all the self-acceptance doubt, admits one is truly TS, and finally decides to just stop stressing over everything and go on with one's life. While gave up outward "crossdressing" long ago (due kids, family concerns) it's still very reaffirming when people, mostly strangers, refer to me as "ma'am".

LOL Am stuck in perpetual "male fail" mode?

Works for me! Most have accepted & like my naturally feminine disposition, having learned to strike that balance of simply "being myself". Thought I'd give this a "bump", perhaps others will chime in??

There are a bunch of points in my transition that could qualify as tipping points.  But two stand out as being relevant to your topic.

The first was a day that I spent on my own in a city where I am not known, presenting as my new self.  While I had been out in public before, it had only been to go directly to and from my support group meetings.  Going to a nightclub, having breakfast in a coffee shop, talking to clerks in stores suddenly opened my eyes to how good it felt to be me.  Full time stopped being something scary that I wasn't sure I could pull off, and became something I had to do right now or sooner.

The second one was doing a public presentation before a large group, as Kathy.  This was about three months after starting full-time.  Standing on a stage as myself with a mike and a Powerpoint presentation, and being able to deliver an interesting technical talk without slipping up, while keeping my voice in a desirable range gave me an incredible boost in my self-confidence. 

Both were tipping points for me because they were the beginning of the self-confidence that had lacked before.  That confidence allows me now to go into any place as myself and not worry about my presentation any more than any other woman does.

Hi Moni,
While I have not reached my "tipping point" I do believe it is getting nearer and nearer.  As Kiera says, "When one gets past all the self-acceptance doubt, admits one is truly TS, and finally decides to just stop stressing over everything and go on with one's life" well, I am an about there!  Actually I admitted that I am trans about a year and a half ago which was when I became more active here on Susan's.  I have just been scared to death to take that next step because I think it will be my "tipping point". 

Well, I have made an appointment with Planned Parenthood for HRT.  I made the initial appointment on New Year's Eve but had to change it due to weather.  A few days after I changed it I ended up getting cold feet and started to get inside my head again.  I have discussed this with my wife and she keeps telling me to go ahead and just do it but I often get the feeling that if I do I will mess my life up even more and lose everything!  With that said, I rescheduled again but feel more and more comfortable about going but there is still that little itch at the back of my mind that keeps telling me not to go through with it for some reason.  I talked to my wife about that and she reasoned that it was because the second I walk in the door there and fill out the paperwork, more people now know and I am still not fully ready to come out to the world.  I think she may be correct in that. 

I say all this because I hope to find my normalcy soon!  I am happy for you Moni (and everyone else on here) who has found the courage to do what I so desire to do...become the me I know I am and the me I have been denying for my 50+ years on this earth! 
Paula

   Thank you Kiera, Kathy, and Paula for posting. I have had my horizons broadened a bit already here. I was intending to focus on later in the process of transition, but you have made me think that tipping points happen all along the way. Self acceptance is a tipping point, deciding to make actual moves to start a transition, yeah, they are important life events. So, maybe we should include the earlier events as well. So, how does one go from one life, being terrified of the thought of the immensity of it all, to a completely different place in this world and get comfortable with it? (I am binary and tend to talk in those terms so no offense to someone transitioning to non binary.) I remember being so jealous of seeing transgender people who had transitioned and seemed so at home in their skin in their new life. I was in awe. How the heck could they change their entire life like that? Here I was, I was wanting it so bad and yet, how could I jump off that cliff into a whole new place in the world. Once I made that step out into space and people knew, the old me would never be able to be on the safety of my old perch on top of the cliff.  The old me would be done, I thought. I mean being old me was not right, dysphoria like crazy, but it was safe. It was a place that I could keep all my relationships intact. I can picture that most everyone with dysphoria wrestles with this concept.
   I can only tell you my experience and hope others will contribute how they made the jump. I finally had enough of the mental turmoil. I ran from this gender issue, but it was like have a tiger tied to me by a rope. Sometimes I could outrun it but only briefly. It always caught up and seemed to overtake me. Endless cycles of this finally produced a state of desperation in me. I had to go forward and try something. At first it was, "I'll get some herbals and try to grow boobs in private, no one else need know." That didn't happen as I realized it could be dangerous. I decided to tell my doctor. Oh my gosh was I scared. I had it written out and my hands shook as I read it. I was doing electrolysis as a 'guy' and I told my technician my truth. She congratulated me. "What, you mean you are really happy for me?" I couldn't believe that someone would not just tolerate me, but they would actually be happy for me? Crazy! This is what led me to taking the steps of getting a therapist. Oh, very important in my thought process here. I went online and saw videos of people who transitioned and they were happy. In my head it really helped that a good outcome was possible. It was very, very important to my limited confidence at that point. Let me stress that I had no idea if I could really pull this off. I was being driven to move forward and the things I did do to move on made me feel okay. Scared but okay! I'll stop here before getting into going in public as 'me' or coming out to anyone.
Moni
   

Tipping points: I used to imbibe which gave me several incidents of tipping points.
... Oh, that's not what you meant ...
Tipping points: Cows
... Oh, not that either ...
Tipping points: By the time I paid for dinner, I couldn't afford it ...
... Well, crap, this is hard ...

Tipping points:

• Finding Susan's and then finding myself
• Telling my Wife
• Outing at work
• Outing to family
• Outing to close friends (more to come)
• TBA
• TBA

So many little points that were huge when I crossed them

Moni or anyone, have you had serious doubts early on on hrt whether living as a woman is what you want? Is this something that means I haven't thought it through fully before starting? My fear is that I'm still a gay male. Yet I don't like my penis. I know that doesn't mean I'm a woman, not necessarily at least. I do like the camaraderie between women, being treated/seen as a lady, feeling soft and feminine. And the list goes on. But society deems these things as weak too.

As for "tipping point" I'm not far enough along to be too valid yet. But I do like the emotions. It's empowering to feel dynamically this way. It's as if I can finally face what's been my problem all along (gender) and I don't want to miss a moment.

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@ Allison
I had the solid support of a psychiatrist during transition and he was very careful to never suggest or imply anything. He never said I was TG, he never said I was or wasn't Gay and he never made me make a decision. What he did do was get me to talk about myself, my feelings and my desires. He was careful to make sure that I talked through my feelings about gender identity and he gave me the time and place to do so safely. Making the decision was pretty easy after that. 

He also quickly realised that once he got me talking that he was in serious trouble and couldn't find a way to shut me up.

Tipping points. There were many I presume. It seems so long ago now and other adventures have happened. However there as one incident that occurred a week after going full time.

Part of my job at that time was teaching Immunology to medical students. It was a series of about 10 lectures, fortnightly to 300 students. One week I was Prof Peter the next fortnight I was Prof Cindy.  My psychiatrist guided me through it with his usual helpful remarks. "How are you going to cope with standing in front of 300 students wearing female clothing and having a new name, highlighted on your PowerPoint slides displayed to all?" I did note the lack of options that were being given to me in the comment.

I do remember being a little nervous as I walked in wearing a blouse, skirt and knee length boots. I do recall some smiles and mutters from some young girls in the font row. (I shut them up in a nice way  ). I remember seeing students completely ignore me and play with their iPads/phones as usual.

I remember the end when one (female) student walked up to me and said. "I love your boots and want a pair, where did you get them?" That was the only comment I got.

I then realised that the only person who cared about me being transgender was me and if I accepted it then that was all that mattered.

Quote from: HappyMoni on February 03, 2018, 04:46:19 PMSo, how does one go from one life, being terrified of the thought of the immensity of it all, to a completely different place in this world and get comfortable with it?

       Moni can I interject an observation about "tipping points"? Because really do feel times have changed and notice many here do not list their birth age . . . You equate the decision to transition with "jumping off a cliff" whereas I no longer see it that way at all. Nothing has to be "life-shattering" if viewed as taking small steps instead. I previously mentioned "balance" and by that I mean "the cis world" surrounding us is the actual fulcrum point and only needs time to catch up? Perhaps "keep up" would be a more prudent term?

We lead the way not 'THEM'!!

        PaulaLee YOU, and perhaps your supportive spouse, are the only one(s) in ultimate control of any decision to seek a transition and NOT some doctor or therapist of random choosing! Planned Parenthood really?? If still in Nashville you are only 3 hours from Atlanta which I consider as the underground TS capital of the world! Life is long been consciously pushing "the gender envelope" for the last forty years am starting to think may "pass" thru that "acceptance" gate yet but one must remember "timing & methods" are of your choice and not somebody else!

My "therapist" is TS how could a "cis" one possibly truly understand?

       Stop Fretting It and just be true to your second natural instincts! "6 And you, son of man, be not afraid of them, nor be afraid of their words, though briers and thorns are with you and you sit on scorpions.2 Be not afraid of their words, nor be dismayed at their looks, for they are a rebellious house."

       The above-quoted passage from EZEKIEL 2 was one of those huge supportive "fulcrum point" adjustments for me insofar as I was forced to admit in open Superior Court "I am transgender" and wound up with eventual custody of my two young children anyway! And, perhaps more importantly, divorced wife and I are once again together (lol in parenting "spirit" if not in actual "conjugal matter"!)

As older I've realized it's not so much about what one "gains" that's important but rather what one manages to "keep"!!

I've fallen in love and it's reciprocated. Love has already changed me and for the better. Tipping point may not be the right word, I can see the precipice and it's already far above me and rising higher away all the time.

This is huge for me and too fresh to go into the details here in public posting.

She changes me, love changes us.

Quote from: Allison S on February 03, 2018, 10:26:46 PM
Moni or anyone, have you had serious doubts early on on hrt whether living as a woman is what you want? Is this something that means I haven't thought it through fully before starting? My fear is that I'm still a gay male. Yet I don't like my penis. I know that doesn't mean I'm a woman, not necessarily at least. I do like the camaraderie between women, being treated/seen as a lady, feeling soft and feminine. And the list goes on. But society deems these things as weak too.

As for "tipping point" I'm not far enough along to be too valid yet. But I do like the emotions. It's empowering to feel dynamically this way. It's as if I can finally face what's been my problem all along (gender) and I don't want to miss a moment.

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Allison,
   Pretend for a moment that it is not you in the circumstances you are in right now, but a friend. Would you not expect that friend to have doubts on her/his path. Could you even see that having those doubts could be a sign of being mentally healthy. That friend is proceeding, yet mindful of how they are feeling. They are not blindly going forth on a new path on some whim. I think you are thinking this through. Your eyes are open. Can you get a guarantee that each step you take is right, nope. I was afraid I was doing something I'd regret, but I also knew that if things turned out to be wrong, I would take another fork in the road and still end up better off.  This is my opinion, based on my life, that the saddest thing is sitting in misery for years, with fear ruling your life instead of you and never making an attempt to find what you really want. You should be proud of yourself Allison, you are not being weak at all.
Moni

   Thank you Cindy, I was hoping for stories such as yours. A word on your last sentence, " I then realized that the only person who cared about me being transgender was me, and if I accepted it that was all that mattered." That is the holy grail there, isn't it. Self acceptance is the key whether you are open about being trans or non-disclosing of your past. It is a process that each of us works on in our own way. I am still working on it at times.

   Kiera, I think in some respects you are right, it is getting easier for the younger generation. Yea! Still, when one first comes out, emotionally I think the thought of stepping off a cliff is still valid. You start at this stable place, but once you make your thoughts known to others, you no longer have total control and that is very scary. I love the fact that you mentioned taking things in small pieces. You may have noticed I am fond of mountain analogies, lol.  Once you decide to move forward and you are off that cliff and landed so to speak, you are looking at the new life you want to create. You sit and think, OMG I have all these things to do that are new to me, hormones, and clothes, and mannerisms, and going out in public, and on and on. If you look at the mountain you have to climb for this new life, I can understand the desire to curl up in a ball and cry for a fortnight. You are so right about taking it in chunks, in small manageable parts.

   Speaking of holy grails Sadie, if you found love, you got it.


   Just a word about the thread then I'll shut up (for now). I am thankful for every single post on here. I think I will step in at times to maybe steer this in a way to make it a coherent read for someone who might be struggling and happen upon it. I may not directly speak to what some write but it doesn't mean I am not grateful for your thoughts. My main focus is what might help someone who is having questions or doubts or needs feedback. Thanks lovely people!
Moni

Moni,

You're such an inspiration. I will get to where you are someday, and following your story has helped me find the confidence to keep moving that direction.

There have been so many tipping points for me in the last 8 months, but a few stand out, possibly because they're so recent. They're all documented in my personal thread.

One was my first face-to-face meeting as my new self with a potential customer., just last week. Whether he dealt with me as Stephanie, or as my old self in transition didn't matter. We had business to discuss, and that's where the conversation stayed.

Another was just yesterday. It was a full day of acceptance and affirmation that left me confident and more sure of myself than I've ever been.

But by far the most important step was the trip to see Kendra a few weeks ago. Again, all the gory details (of the first day only so far) are in my personal thread, so I'll try to keep this short (quiet, Laurie). It was three days of immersion in life the way it should be, with no misgendering, always being called the correct name, and loving people all around. I had deep meaningful interactions with the people who know me and really get it because they've been there and done that - and interactions with all other people were friendly, respectful, and as far as I know, only conducted with the woman named Stephanie who I have become. While the stark contrast between that life and the one I had to come back to was emotionally jarring, the end result was the realization that yes, I can do this, and I need to quit being so afraid all the time. It was much like what Kathy said:

QuoteThe first was a day that I spent on my own in a city where I am not known, presenting as my new self.  While I had been out in public before, it had only been to go directly to and from my support group meetings.  Going to a nightclub, having breakfast in a coffee shop, talking to clerks in stores suddenly opened my eyes to how good it felt to be me.  Full time stopped being something scary that I wasn't sure I could pull off, and became something I had to do right now or sooner.

Though I have been full time for quite a while now, it was always with an undercurrent of anxiety and fear. Because of these recent milestones, much of that seems to have faded.

Stephanie

Quote from: Cindy on February 04, 2018, 12:23:27 AM
I then realised that the only person who cared about me being transgender was me and if I accepted it then that was all that mattered.

Quote from: HappyMoniThat is the holy grail there, isn't it. Self acceptance is the key whether you are open about being trans or non-disclosing of your past. It is a process that each of us works on in our own way.

I just wrote about this last night to another dear friend who I'd met here. The subject was about living a liminal existence, stuck in transition, always striving for, but never reaching ciswomanhood:

Quote from: Steph2.0I've seen others talk about this and have wondered, what does it matter? If you are embraced as a woman by those around you, the thought that you are and will always be trans is only in your head, and not visible or important to the rest of the world. Sure, I'll never be fully female - unless something revolutionary happens with genetic technology, it's just not possible - but there's no reason that after a while anybody else in the world would view me as anything but female. It's my plan and expectation that eventually "trans" will fade from my psyche, and while intellectually I'll have to acknowledge that I was once a man, for all practical purposes it will no longer matter. Life will continue, with occasional bits of history popping up to remind me or others who I once was, but if I live my life well, I will be loved and respected for who I am in the moment. And I fully expect you to reach that point, too.

For what it's worth...

Stephanie

Oh Moni I could write a dissertation on this, maybe I will :-)

What I have isn't the Grail, it's maybe a glimpse? "We already have one, go and find your own you silly English knights"

Now as to this notion that you may be able to steer a conversation? Control is so illusory sweetheart ;-).

I love this thread and everyone on this forum... [emoji4]

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When my facial hair became manageable...I stopped looking in the mirror constantly, put on my makeup once in the morning and didn't have to touch it up throughout the day

Quote from: HappyMoni on February 02, 2018, 08:14:34 PMI referred to a tipping point. What I mean is that time where things start to get a lot easier, where living starts to gear up and the transition part starts to fade. My hope is that this thread might continue for a while and be something that people can read to get some encouragement. My new reality is so good for me, and I know others have positive stories to be shared...

I will leave it for now with a request for stories of memorable transition events where things seemed changed for you after they happen. What changed you? I never know if a thread will fall on its face, but I am hoping for something uplifting if you can give it a try.

Being misgendered is never easy.  To me, the whole point of a binary transition is to elicit correct gendering, from self and others.  So my tipping points have all revolved around social encounters, usually a few months after important surgeries.

One such point occurred about five months out after facial surgery.  I joined a book club, meeting people I'd never met before, and slowly started socializing with the people there.  Well, I really clicked with this one guy, and we ended up going out for coffee and such several times, hanging out at the bookstore and such.  A couple months into this, he's walking me back to my car, and as we're chatting there, me in the car and him outside, he leans down and steals a kiss from me.

It was electric.  I didn't ask for this, not consciously, but I liked this.  I knew it couldn't go forward with this guy at the time -- I still had SRS a few months out -- but I knew at that point what my future would look like.  That was also the end of my existing relationship, which of course was difficult but ultimately for the best (women who aren't lesbians tend not to make a very good lesbian couple). 

The other tipping point was 10 weeks after SRS, when I first had proper intercourse with a guy.  I didn't come, but it was still a powerful experience on my psyche, and it was at this point I knew that transition was finally over. All there was left to do was to just go out and live a woman's life.  And that's exactly what I did.

Sophia, what you say sounds great and well, misgendering is just a part of my life. I accept it because the options are worse. To wit: I certainly can't afford ffs or facial electrolysis and daily shaving to try to pass would also require makeup that's fairly impractical at this point in my life.

And you know, I had a beautiful sweet lesbian woman a couple of weeks ago say how beautiful my vagina was. That's all I need in my life, to be seen for who I am when it matters most.

My one post op hetero experience so far was decidedly underwhelming, let's say I tried it to see and I'll probably do it again, it certainly pleases my vanity to hear a guy enjoying himself.

For me there's just no comparing that experience with making love with a woman who in turn makes love to me. I had enough experience with the rare lesbian who was interested in playing with me that I know now just how long I've been yearning for this.

So yeah that's my tipping point, I'm falling off a cliff, determined to keep falling. I've been a highly sexual and loving person my whole adult life and I've spent much of it trying to connect love and sexuality with women. For the first couple of decades of my adult life i "knew" I was male and of course that was wrong. For the next two decades sure, I knew who I was but not being fully convinced, I certainly didn't do a good job of convincing my partners.

Like you Sophia, I've yet to orgasm but damn, there's nothing before that ever compared to being kissed by a woman as she took me.

Wake up Moni, it's time to write!

I have been doing a lot of thinking, and a letter to a friend helped me formulate this next post. There is such a wide range of folks who might be reading this, from those just starting to those who have been living their transition a lot longer than me. I while back, a shooting star of a person came onto this site. She started very timidly and I was one of the first to greet her and encourage her to speak. Well, she kind of exploded with her experiences and was so kind and inspirational to me. I call her a shooting star because as quickly as she came, she was gone. What she did for me is still with me though. So, what was this magical thing that she offered? Well, at the time, I was scared, scared in a way I never have experienced before. It was related to arranging my surgery, but it was also involving my adjustments to living full time. At that point, I was pretty tense, things were requiring a lot of effort. I mean, I was worried about how I was viewed, if I passed, is this or that person hostile. Even though I had proclaimed my self acceptance logically, well, emotionally it was a definite struggle. I had picked out a little safe 'transitional island' for me to land   on and I didn't leave it very often. So along comes this shooting star and she opens up a vision of my future. Speaking from her actual experience, she instilled confidence in me that in my future, things would become so normal for me in my life as a woman. I would have many wondrous  experiences ahead of me. One of the milestones she pointed out was related to GCS. For my life this was a personal game changer emotionally, just as she had said. It  was only a part of the picture (and for other folks not at all.)
Socially, I am seeing things normalize just as she said. To all those who are having to put a lot of mental effort into being transitioned, keep the faith. Things will get normalized, the effort becomes less and your comfort only increases. Living it, experiencing it, immersing yourself in your new life, these are the things that will get you to that higher plane of being your true self. Don't beat yourself up because you might still be in a struggle stage. In some respects, on some days, I still am. I am still on the transition path but I am definitely seeing the living it part now too. It is pretty cool. I am also taking my own advice and believe it will get even better.
So, what I described above is my longest running tipping point. It was certainly not sudden, but oh what a difference it made. lol
Moni