Hello Everyone,

First I wanted to tell everyone about an amazing weekend that I just had. My kids were all with their other parents for a couple days, so it was just my wife and I at home for the weekend. Things started off ok, we went shopping for some new dress boots for my wife on Friday. My wife and I were having a good time and we were even openly talking about clothes and shoes and things that I would wear when I dressed. (She hadn't seen me dressed at point, but she has been reluctantly allow me to be more feminine and fully dress when I'm home by myself.)

For the past few months when ever it has been just her and I we usually end up talking about my gender issues and eventually making each other feel horrible. So, this weekend I decided I wasn't going to bring it up, I didn't want another weekend of hurt feelings on either side.

To my surprise, when we woke up Saturday morning, she asked me if I wanted to just "be myself" on Saturday. Since she has always said in the past she had no interest in seeing me as a woman, I was quite surprised. I talked about it a little more to make sure she was really comfortable with this step and she  assured me that it was ok.

We then spent the whole day together with me as my REAL self! It was amazing! We didn't really do anything special. We talked for a very long time, she said being with the real me wasnt as threatening as she thought.  She said she was worried that I wouldn't be same person she was in love with. She was happy to see that I was the same person, just a happier more relaxed version. And, for the first time, she referred to us in the future as spouses and not husband and wife. We hung out around the house and them eventually went out to pick some groceries for Easter dinner the next day. It was probably the best day we've had in a very long time!

Sunday was back to boy mode. We went to church, out to brunch, and then headed out to pick up the kids from their other parents.

All in all, a very good weekend!

Until...

Monday came and I had an appointment with my doctor to try to discuss solutions for the abdominal pain that I've been for the past month or so. She ran a bunch of tests and determined there is nothing physically wrong. My doctor knows about my trans status and the struggle I've been having with all of it. She asked of the stress of all of this stuff had any effect on the pain. I told her that the pain got worse when I couldn't express my true self and practically disappeared when I could be my real self. She then told me that it was quite common for periods of high stress to come out in physical ways.

When I first told my wife about my trans feelings I assured I hadn't inquired about hormones or surgery and that point and that was true. However, on Monday when I was talking to the doctor about the pain I'm having and myriad of other health issues, I had to ask the question. With my extensive troubling health history, would my doctor be comfortable with me starting HRT and possibly eventually having GCS. She assured me that HRT and even GCS would be no problem even with my health issues. She even asked me if I wanted her to start the process for HRT! I was ecstatic! I told her that I'm not quite ready for that yet, but another huge worry relieved!

But then the guilt set in again because I hadn't discussed this possible step with my wife first. I knew that she would be hurt, not only by me being interested to start this next step, but also because I didn't discuss it with her first. I finally broke down and told her last night before we went to bed. She was not only hurt, she was DEVASTATED, ANGRY, BETRAYED!

So...the roller coaster that will never end continues on and I managed to take a huge positive step that my wife graciously offered, and completely messed it up!!

Anyway, just needed to share this past weekend with someone, so I picked you girls.

Hope you're doing better than me right now
Hugs,

Jessie

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I'm sorry to hear that Jessie.  I'm sure things will calm down. I mean, you haven't actually started or agreed to start anything as of yet.  So speaking to the doctor was really just a fact finding mission so that you knew how, or if you would proceed providing you and your wife decided to take transition any further.

From the way you described it, it seems like this was just the natural outcome of the doctor discussing your medical issues with regards to the pain and the conversation developed from there.  I hope your wife comes to understand that you didn't go to the doctor with the intent to get an hrt consult.  I hope it all works out.

       Julie

Quote from: JulieAllana on April 03, 2018, 04:41:43 PM
From the way you described it, it seems like this was just the natural outcome of the doctor discussing your medical issues with regards to the pain and the conversation developed from there.  I hope your wife comes to understand that you didn't go to the doctor with the intent to get an hrt consult.  I hope it all works out.

       Julie

Thank you Julie!

I didn't go the doctor just for the question regarding the HRT, but it was in my plans to ask at my next appointment. I struggled all weekend as to whether I should ask or not, and as Sunday afternoon I convinced myself I shouldn't ask yet. Then on Monday when I was at the appointment I changed my mind and decided to ask after all.

Anyway, nothing I can do about it now, I just hope that the damage to my relationship hasn't been fatal.

Thanks for the reply!


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Quote from: JessicaHF on April 04, 2018, 01:53:55 AM
Thank you Julie!

I didn't go the doctor just for the question regarding the HRT, but it was in my plans to ask at my next appointment. I struggled all weekend as to whether I should ask or not, and as Sunday afternoon I convinced myself I shouldn't ask yet. Then on Monday when I was at the appointment I changed my mind and decided to ask after all.

Anyway, nothing I can do about it now, I just hope that the damage to my relationship hasn't been fatal.

Thanks for the reply!


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I hope you find peace.

Some things are private. Doctors surgeries are like bathrooms - nobody else's damn business what you're doing in there. I'd be pretty hurt and devastated myself to feel compelled to discuss with anyone what I had discussed with my own doctor. In fact I'd be really angry. But that's up to you, and you can only feel how you feel. The same for your wife I suppose.

Hi Jessica:

I suffered chest pains, irregular heartbeats, high blood pressure, panic attacks, TMJ flare ups, bowel problems, arthritis, allergies and I don't remember what else —for years until I started HRT.  HRT fixed just about everything.  At 55 I am healthier than I was at 30.

I ultimately had to fully transition because going back into male presentation brought back the panic attacks.

My wife was resistive at every step, but came around once she realized that the hormones were fixing all my health problems, and making me a better person.

Your health is at stake here and there is no need for you to suffer any more.  Please find a gentle way to tell your wife that HRT has the potential to solve all your stress related health problems—and improve your relationship with her.  It will do you both a world of good.

Hugs, Carly