You know, the one you get when people clock you. I mean, I'll never pass but I don't (usually) think I am hideous. Still, well...I was out with friends Friday night at a kind of nice place in town. Its a pretty far left climate here but even so, people can be kind of thoughtless even if they are trying not to be insulting.

You walk by a table, catch someone look at you and you see what I call "that smirk" cross their lips. God bless em, they seem like they are trying not to let their amusement show. At least, those attempting to be courteous are. Then there are the ones who look away but then lean across to someone across the table from them and whisper something. You see their companion turn their head slightly but are polite enough not to turn and gawk. Maybe their friend calling me out embarrasses them, maybe they don't want to create a scene, maybe they are polite enough to not be obvious. You will never know.

I knew I would face this, but it was my first time out in a long time so I guess my skin got a little thin. I thought I was "cured" in 2010 but it was just temporarily successful repression. Only recently have I started to come out and be open and authentic about who I am so think my defenses are a little weak in a way. At the same time, I kind of react with a two word response from my inner voice. I'll give you a hint, the second word is "off". In other words, there is some armor there, but at my core it still bugs me.

How do you all deal with that? I am not turning around and I know I have to get used to it. I know I will, but it always helps to hear from others on issues like this.

Hope you all are well!

v

Hi, Virginia!

As someone who still see's male when I look in the mirror. I never have nor will I EVER let someone get under my skin and question my truth. Luckily I have never been in a situation where I was looked at funny or questioned. So I feel for my fellow transgirls out there who have it harder than most because I don't think i'll ever understand that level of anxiety or fear. Also to some peoples credit, some people seem to be more kind and accepting that I expect them to be. Its usually me being the psycho and just picking myself apart. Being is public is a huge stress for me but sometimes u just gotta suck it up. So those are my two cents. Just put ur big girl pants on and smirk back lol  best of luck and I wish all the happiness for you V!

-paloma

Unfortunately that comes with the territory in my limited experience.  But you wouldn't be human if it didn't sting.  We all want respect.  I still remember being read at a supermarket a few years ago getting a carton of milk and seeing some old coot four or five feet away stifling a laugh and it still makes me angry.  On the other hand, I also recall a woman giving me a somewhat startled look but a nice smile on top of it that felt like it came from a place of respect and love.  So it's not all bad.  I find of late I get a lot of smiles from sales clerks but for the most part they seem like friendly smiles. At least that's how I choose to interpret them. 

And it's not all trans.  A cisgendered woman with really unorthodox taste in clothes or hairstyles or body art will get a lot of weird reactions too.  I realize that is apples and oranges but there are similarities.  The advise about putting on your big girl pants is most excellent.  Given the way people are you have to be able to handle it.  Just remember it is your body, your life and your decision of how to present.  Best of luck to you.

I caught something of a similar nature the other day.  Having lunch at a deli, and a woman down the counter was staring at me just a little too long.  Though it goes against my nature, I try to tackle these people head-on.  So I made eye contact, held it, and gave her a great big smile.  Busted!

I like this approach because it enhances self-confidence.  In fact, the whole point of the smile is to exude self-confidence.  (Fake until you make it.)  The smile says, "I caught you.  I know what you were up to.  I don't care.  You are not going to make me feel bad about myself.  So there!"

Kathy has it right. Just smile back and make some comment about the weather or how much fun it is being alive.

Quote from: Jin on April 24, 2018, 10:49:45 AM
Kathy has it right. Just smile back and make some comment about the weather or how much fun it is being alive.

Hmm.. I've done the raised eyebrow usually if I think someone is avoiding me or worse besmirking.  And then proceed to make THEM uncomfortable.   I believe in eye for an eye, sorry.  If you're acting like a jerk, time to turn the tables.  Not in an aggressive manner, just assertive.  Sorry, I don't believe in taking crap from anyone if you don't have to.

If you act all meek & timid people will walk all over you in our societies.  Part of the alpha wolf mentality perhaps, but unfortunately humanity has not stepped beyond that.  I'll not be a victim to someone elses rudeness.

That being said its usually crusty old better-than-thou  women that frown disapproving at my attire when they think I'm not looking.  That's usually the worst I get.

Quote from: Doreen on April 24, 2018, 11:37:45 AM
If you act all meek & timid people will walk all over you in our societies.  Part of the alpha wolf mentality perhaps, but unfortunately humanity has not stepped beyond that.  I'll not be a victim to someone elses rudeness.

The smile that I give those who stare is far from meek and timid.  It is actually quite aggressive, and is held far longer than is considered polite.  I don't say anything at all, because that would obscure the message (see my previous post for the message).  In another thread, I called it my "I am way more awesome than you will ever be" smile.  It is quite in-your-face.

Quote from: KathyLauren on April 24, 2018, 11:49:31 AM
The smile that I give those who stare is far from meek and timid.  It is actually quite aggressive, and is held far longer than is considered polite.  I don't say anything at all, because that would obscure the message (see my previous post for the message).  In another thread, I called it my "I am way more awesome than you will ever be" smile.  It is quite in-your-face.

Oh please don't misunderstand my statement   I was just saying what I do.  I do apologize if it seemed I was overly critical.. just sharing what I do.   You're right you can be quite assertive simply smiling alone.  I have a rather evil smile lol.

It gets to me still. I think I just have to learn to accept that I decided to transition and this is what I'll be experiencing. It's hard and yeah I guess surgeries can help down the line... I'm just not there yet to have surgery (only 7 months hrt, finances, etc.)
I'm starting to see myself as andro. Take me as I am, but definitely not male or masculine.
I feel like I repel bad people more easily from my life now honestly. I think this is my coping or trying to

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I'm actually struggling with that issue a little right now and I'm 20 years post-op (seriously).  My little brother had Downs Syndrome growing up and I hated it when people stared at him/us.  It was rude.  And I hate it when people stare or "look" at me now - it's rude.

I agree though - we ultimately have to get over it (as do they) and move on.  Unless we're fortunate enough to pass 100% it's a lifetime of one-day-at-a-times, I think.  And on the plus side, there are those who get it and smile.  We have to keep it in perspective!

Hi @Pam 🙋‍♀️ Welcome to Susan's Place!  I'm Jessica.
I do think society is becoming more aware of us and that we aren't the monsters they thought we were.  I've gotten those knowing, pleasant smiles from those that are aware, but accepting.  They make me feel comfortable as I realize most don't care.

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Quote from: Pam on April 25, 2018, 01:07:23 AM
I'm actually struggling with that issue a little right now and I'm 20 years post-op (seriously).  My little brother had Downs Syndrome growing up and I hated it when people stared at him/us.  It was rude.  And I hate it when people stare or "look" at me now - it's rude.

I agree though - we ultimately have to get over it (as do they) and move on.  Unless we're fortunate enough to pass 100% it's a lifetime of one-day-at-a-times, I think.  And on the plus side, there are those who get it and smile.  We have to keep it in perspective!

Haters gonna hate hate hate hate hate.

Quote from: Pam on April 25, 2018, 01:07:23 AM
I'm actually struggling with that issue a little right now and I'm 20 years post-op (seriously).  My little brother had Downs Syndrome growing up and I hated it when people stared at him/us.  It was rude.  And I hate it when people stare or "look" at me now - it's rude.

I agree though - we ultimately have to get over it (as do they) and move on.  Unless we're fortunate enough to pass 100% it's a lifetime of one-day-at-a-times, I think.  And on the plus side, there are those who get it and smile.  We have to keep it in perspective!

One of the interesting experiences I had was at a restaurant with my wife, she was in her wheel chair and cannot feed herself so I was feeding her and of course myself as well. People at another table complained that we were 'putting them off their night out'. The manager agreed and threw them out of the restaurant then brought us a glass of Champagne and told us that and next time we came back we would have to pay but for this time he and his staff would like our evening to be 'on the house'.

There are lovely people.

As for dealing with the smirkers. Well I either pass so well that I never notice or I couldn't give a damn or they smirked once at me and are too terrified to do it again 

Take your pick

This type of thing is the reason why I haven't socially transitioned.

People can be horrible. That really is how some people are but there are people that are just ignorant to the whole thing. When I was still deeply in the closet, I was at work when a non passing transwoman asked me for directions. I remember her because seeing her caused quite a bit of internal angst and pain and I think I may have stared at her too long. Now I realize that it may have been rude to her to stare but I was naive about trans issues at the time.

Some people are just naive and ignorant and may do things that may be extremely inconsiderate or rude and may not mean and harm but it still hurts.

Had some shirtless overweight fat guy come in the bar with his wife (she was built like a beach ball with a face like a bulldog chewing wasps). I was serving someone else & heard him say " Watch the chick with a dick when I speak to it
"  He said "Pint of lager please Sir" with the emphasis on Sir. I watched her face start to smirk until I told him he was improperly dressed for service at the bar & to please leave the bar area.He left then crossed the road before shouting how his mate was a cage fighter who'd been in the SAS & is a 6' 8" Hell's Angel etc who's going to smash me & the bar up. Still waiting for that!

Ah yes, looks can really sting sometimes.

I'm fortunate in that so far I've never really been trying to pass any any particular gender all that much. (I'm currently a sort of questioning FtM )
I tend to get looks of confusion more than anything, from time to time. Aside from the stalling their words or attempts at correction when they don't know what to correct to, there is a particular expression of a moment of confusion as if they are unsure of something but not yet knowing what they are unsure of... Sort of a "Hello ....sir....wait...madam?...nope....I really don't....know" which isn't a problem for me because I wasn't intending or hoping to be read as one or the other and in their defence I can look quite in-between so I'm not surprised.

The Smirk I can relate to in a different way. Used to self-harm in the past and am plastered with scars all over, so in the summer if I wear short sleeves I tend to get noticed.
Similar, but different. The stares, or look then obvious avoiding looking at me at all, whispers, people who then comment to their friends as soon as they have walked past me but are still very close and in ear-shot, and various negative experiences with shop assistants etc.

Also after I changed my name (gender neutral but people at a group I belonged to adjusted it to the feminine form - eg Nic gets translated into Nikki rather than thinking Nicholas. (My name is not Nic, just an eg))
When one of them popped round and saw my name on some mail they kind of smile and said "Oooooh I see" and I think they really did not see and got the wrong idea, so it felt uncomfortable and a bit insulting that they were just making assumptions and thinking they had secret knowledge or 'knew the truth about me' without actually asking me about it. Thinking they know a person by a cursory glance and making all sorts of assumptions.

Ironically for me, when I'm dressing more feminine and have long hair, I fairly frequently get read as MtF transitioning. Sometimes verbally in pronouns or the things people say. More often it's subtle. So I get The Smirk but a convoluted inaccurate Smirk whilst being partially well-targeted since I am some kind of transgender just not the one that they think I am! The Smirk because they think they'd IDs me as a transwoman, when I'm not. But is equally offensive because they shouldn't be doing that to transwomen or anyone at all and I'm still on the receiving end of a dirty look which doesn't feel good.

Sometimes this can be a self-esteem issue. I try to remember things like this while working on my self-esteem. Don Knotts was neither tough nor handsome. Do you think he felt bad being around all those Hollywood jocks and face men? No. He was his own man and didn't give a rat's behind. How many times do we read of TS/CDers who "own it". A goal to be sure.

Quote from: amandam on April 30, 2018, 09:59:15 AM
Sometimes this can be a self-esteem issue. I try to remember things like this while working on my self-esteem. Don Knotts was neither tough nor handsome. Do you think he felt bad being around all those Hollywood jocks and face men? No. He was his own man and didn't give a rat's behind. How many times do we read of TS/CDers who "own it". A goal to be sure.

This how I am able to feel comfortable in public.  Along with feeling absolutely wonderful, walking about, engaging in society. 
True, I have had girlfriends with me, but I do wander off from them and it seems to me that I don't need them as a crutch.  They are my friends and I enjoy doing things with them.
As for smirks, I have seen a couple, but felt no embarrassment and shrugged it off.

They are smirking on the wrong side of history.

In the past, people with a specific skin color could be arrested for sitting in the front of a bus.  That continued until enough people became fed up, went out and actively sought to live their lives as they should.

I like KathyLauren's solution.  If someone smirks, smile and stare at them long enough to make them uncomfortable.  It's their loss.

Quote from: KathyLauren on April 24, 2018, 06:18:28 AM
I caught something of a similar nature the other day.  Having lunch at a deli, and a woman down the counter was staring at me just a little too long.  Though it goes against my nature, I try to tackle these people head-on.  So I made eye contact, held it, and gave her a great big smile.  Busted!

I like this approach because it enhances self-confidence.  In fact, the whole point of the smile is to exude self-confidence.  (Fake until you make it.)  The smile says, "I caught you.  I know what you were up to.  I don't care.  You are not going to make me feel bad about myself.  So there!"

Fake it till you make it is also really important for emotions. People are conditioned by their reactions. So if you feel scared it will be easy to be scared again. Reacting warmly to those things will make your feelings positive too with time.

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