I have been married to my husband, 48-year-old CD, for two years now.  When we first met 4 years ago I was attracted to how very masculine he was.  I learned about his crossdressing within the first year together, and while shocked at the time, have learned to accept it as part of who he is.  However since our marriage he gradually changed:  doesn't want to have sex and sometimes is not even aroused unless he is dressed or talking about it while making love.  He is forever looking at porn on the internet - mostly ->-bleeped-<-s, lesbians, or two men. 

Another thing I thought odd, was that he has never been able to become aroused while having intercourse.  When I asked him the reason behind this, he gave me answers such as "I'm afraid of getting you pregnant", or "Some ex-lovers have complained that it hurts", which is nonsense, because he is not aggressive.

At first he only occasionally wore women's clothes, but he has become progressively more feminine, i.e., buying a new wig, buying fake breasts,  etc.  It is starting to turn me off to see him dressed.  I used to think it was sort of sexy, but now I find I can't look at him dressed.  I go to bed later than he, and get a twinge of anger when I go to bed and he is wearing a bra.

We've talked about my feelings, and while I am trying to be supportive, and compromise, he feels hurt and says he is going to throw everything out, or stop dressing for 5 months, or a week...  And everytime we go away for a weekend, it is like an excuse to fully dress up, instead of having it be a time together.

Help!!  In every other way he is kind, loving, hardworking - it's just messing up our sex life.

Welcome!
Strongly consider seeing a marriage counselor who is knowledgeable in gender issues. I am sure that with clarification, communication, and good-will, you will both be happier.
It may be that your husband has some individual things to work on, as well. I'm not pathologizing. Just wondering if sitting down with a good therapist may help him, too.
Namaste, Tara

The key to anything is balance.  My ex loved the fact that I was hard working, a good provider, gave her a lifestyle beyond what she would have ever done on her own - on the other hand, it took all my time, and when push came to shove, the money, the cars, the houses, the vacations were not enough considering I was never around.  Sadly I learned that lesson one ex wife, one less house and a lot of money too late - I have changed however - gave up one of the two jobs, and work the other a lot less.  So change is possible.

So try to find a way to work to a happy medium.  Some time for each.  An outside person might be of help.

The sex thing will take a lot of work, as his excuses are total BS.

I'm really new to talking about this.  I've never spoken to anyone about my husband being a CD.  I don't know if the fact that he is dressing more often suggests that he is unhappy with his masculine side, or whether this elevated behaviour is a normal 'pattern' with CD's. 

As for seeking outside help- he would rather die than have anyone know (other than the anonymous people in Yahoo chatrooms) about his afinity for women's clothing.

Well shame is often a part of all of this, a part that makes it much harder to deal with.  It also cuts out a lot of fun and companionship.  I would encourage him to find a support group, or some social group, that would help and be a good first start.

I certanly would like to add my comments to this, I am not a cross dresser but concider myself trans gandered. Your husband has some private issues, sexual arousel about wearing female clothing is different to cross dressing. I think you should ask him to be frank with you and ask him what he really wants out of your relationship. It may be a sexual thing and it may be hes interested in transition in to female. I think that the two of you need to be truthfull with each other. This has oviusly become a problem so talk about it.

Marrage cousiling is a good idea but first I thing your husband may need to see a gender therapist to find out what he wants or is getting from cross dressing.

Please be paitient its not and easy or quick turnaround.

I hope you both well

Love lucy

Thanks Lucy... that is what I am afraid of the most - that my husband wants to take this further.  From the literature I have read on the subject, most crossdressers don't do so for sexual gratification (anyone feel free to correct me), but my husband dresses specifically for sexual arousal... thus the lack of intimacy between us when he is not dressed. 

I would try and broach the subject, but he doesn't like to 'analyze' the subject - he would rather I just accept it silently, and happily.

Anyone aware of a good advice in the Montreal area?

sounds like there are some layers here, many centered around communication issues. I agree, therapy with someone experienced with transgender and also cross dressing issues would be ideal.  It could be he is realizing he is transgender, and is afraid to face it, or it could just be he is having shame about the cross dressing desires.

If you write a letter to him, with your concerns, maybe he can get past his shame or whatever, and hear you better.

I don't know enough about the ins and outs of crossdressing to help you more. I am female to male transgendered, but before I came out, I was subtly trying to let myself and partners know for over 12 years.
Not sure where you live, exactly, but Iwould look to callthe nearest gender therapy institute, or google for gender therapists in your area.

Good luck.
Joseph

Mrst,

Advise him that you want a heart to heart discussion about this.  You have the right to know how he feels and what he wants from your relationship.  I would give him a chance to get professional help if he wants it.

But ... and I really hate to say this.... if you can't deal with this, leave him.  Make a list of the things that you need to make the relationship work.  Let him know that these are the expectations you have out of the relationship.  Be frank and honest. Don't get emotional. He should do likewise.  If you can't work it out, leave.  It's not worth it hon.  Life is too short to be dealing with these issues.

My heart goes out to you.  I hope that you find happiness.

Cindi

Secrets are problematic. Sometimes they keep things from being looked at and dealt with properly.
Tri-Ess is worth a look. An organization for Cross-Dressers. Excellent for support, less secrecy (but still confidential), and might be a good avenue for you both to explore.
Don't panic!
You seem to be doing an excellent job at trying to understand and explore what's going on. You obviously have a good heart.
Much luck to you, friend.
Namaste, Tara

that my husband wants to take this further.
Further how?  Have a relationship with a guy?  Go the SRS route?  Start going out dancing once a week?  Start dressing more andro, or more openly?

From the literature I have read on the subject, most crossdressers don't do so for sexual gratification (anyone feel free to correct me),
Sure I will, at some point, this is a prime reason.  It can, and often does, fade with time and exposure.  It may not be true for TS, but it is for CD at some level.

but my husband dresses specifically for sexual arousal... thus the lack of intimacy between us when he is not dressed.
Well he has his needs, wants, desires, and fantasies - and you have yours - both are equally valid.  In a relationship both have to be meet.  Indulgence (as in being GGG as Dan Savage would have it) is a two way street.  He might like to get dressed up and perhaps have you do the same, all femmy and silky and soft - I know I do, but I also know that from time to time I have to reverse all that, and get a little rough and macho.  And no, I'm not talking about anything abusive, but coming home from work, with the tight jeans, the work boots, the tool belt, the black shirt with the sleaves ripped off, sweat and a bit of dirt, some grease, hell, even a touch of dried blood and a good bruise, well, it does turn some women on - particularly when they are constantly surrounded by metrosexuals in suits.

I would try and broach the subject, but he doesn't like to 'analyze' the subject - he would rather I just accept it silently, and happily.
Well, that ain't even going to happen, and the people I know in happy relationships with this have talked it through so that both parties know the score.

it truthfully sounds like he is in denile of his prolbem   as many of us know you can not just throw it all away and except it to be gone no matter how hard we try  cindi is right  get the help but at the same time  understand that he is the one with the issue  if you are not comfertable with the situation and he will not try to get answers then by all means get out do not let it drag you down you are a person too
he has to understand just as he has needs you also have needs and these need to be met   at the same time I understand that there is much confusion that is in you as well as I am shure that you are a little angery that you didnt know about this in the begining   just as many of us we also were also confused imbarased etc to reach out at first   he has to know that it is ok  if they are gender frendly then there will not be any critism of him and he needs this reasurance of this  cindi said it make a list  let him that you are not into (?) the lez seen   that you need a man  my guess is that like some of us this has haunted him most his life  and he need to find the solution to all this he will never be able to do it on his own  this defantly takes counsleing   do not worry about the costs there are counslers that take most inshurences and if you both dont have inshurence then there are thouse that work on the sliding fee scale   I rember when pippi first found out about me  it was hell to pay at first but then she started to learn   she gave me the push I needed to get the help that was so badly needed   also show him if this is what he wants ( if you arent into the lez seen)  tell him to get his own clothes but only if he sees a counsler with you and be firm that you will not except the lez seen   the counsler is the most important key to this all    but do not exust yourself if he doesnt want to coperate    I had to learn to respect pippi's wishes and her privicy     she even told me that I was never a man and I had to truthfully agree with her    no matter how hard I tryed to be something that I wasnt  I only made myself unhappy as well as others around me   this is were the counseling came in  it helped me to identify this all   it brought the confusion into light   after several mounths of counseling  my relationship changed   I started to respect her feelings  then we started to look at each other as good friends  kinda like sisters  but even this is not for every one    you have to make the desision for your self as to were you will be   he will be on and has prolbly been on a rollercoster ride most of his life and it will not stop untill he comes to the relization of what is underlieing inside himself
I want to wish you the best of luck
rember you can not help someone that doesnt reach out for the help
Kristin

You know..I think it was John Stewart that said in response to a certain pastor that got caught being gay...."When my dad caught me smoking he made me smoke a whole carton of cigarettes and that pretty much got me to stop"


Either you are a smoker or you are not....

I did try and broach the subject on the weekend, and first he told me that he will not shave his legs all summer, because I hate when he dresses up.  I explained that I'm ok with that part of him, but I also want and need the male side of him and that I didn't expect him to just throw away (purge) that part of him.

This ended that discussion, then the next day he asked if I would wash his new wig the next time I had a shower!! 

He just doesn't seem to want to sit down and really discuss this.  It's frustrating, but I'll keep at it.

Thanks for all the advice.

Quote from: mrst on April 01, 2008, 10:12:21 AM
I did try and broach the subject on the weekend, and first he told me that he will not shave his legs all summer, because I hate when he dresses up.  I explained that I'm ok with that part of him, but I also want and need the male side of him and that I didn't expect him to just throw away (purge) that part of him.

This ended that discussion, then the next day he asked if I would wash his new wig the next time I had a shower!! 

He just doesn't seem to want to sit down and really discuss this.  It's frustrating, but I'll keep at it.

Thanks for all the advice.

This is terrible. Such a rough dismisal of your concerns, as if not shaving his legs all summer is going to fix everything.  It sounds like he is totally shutting down communication. This is obviously consuming his life and yours.

You have been nothing but supportive and I applaud you for that. The fault lies with your husband. It might be that he can't control his urges but he needs to learn to communicate for it to work out.

Maybe you need to lay your cards on the table and tell him that he needs to start talking about how he is feeling or he is going to lose you. He might be not telling you through fear of losing you but at this rate he is going to lose you anyway.

He can wash his own ->-bleeped-<-ing wig. Cheeky bastard.

Quote from: NickSister on April 01, 2008, 07:41:14 PM
He can wash his own ->-bleeped-<-ing wig. Cheeky bastard.

I certainly have to agree here.  Let him wash his own wig.  If he wants to be a girl, he needs to take the responsibilities of one!

Kristi

Quote from: NickSister on April 01, 2008, 07:41:14 PM
It might be that he can't control his urges but he needs to learn to communicate for it to work out.

Maybe you need to lay your cards on the table and tell him that he needs to start talking about how he is feeling or he is going to lose you. He might be not telling you through fear of losing you but at this rate he is going to lose you anyway.

This statement is so true, its not good enough that he dismisses your concerns so easily, you really do need to sit down and have that chat.

Quote from: mrst on March 25, 2008, 12:22:17 PMWe've talked about my feelings, and while I am trying to be supportive, and compromise, he feels hurt and says he is going to throw everything out, or stop dressing for 5 months, or a week...  And everytime we go away for a weekend, it is like an excuse to fully dress up, instead of having it be a time together.

Quote from: mrst on April 01, 2008, 10:12:21 AMI did try and broach the subject on the weekend, and first he told me that he will not shave his legs all summer, because I hate when he dresses up.  I explained that I'm ok with that part of him, but I also want and need the male side of him and that I didn't expect him to just throw away (purge) that part of him.

Wow. That's a whole lot of shame he's carying around. You seem to be really supportive, which is surprising considering how negative it all seems to be for him -- I commend you. He can certainly use your support right now. But it seems to me that his getting over the shame is going to be an important part of it if you two are to keep together.

I have considerable insight into this kind of thing. I am going to say important stuff. If any of this makes sense to you PM me (or ask me to, if you're not allowed to PM yet.) I went through this kind of stuff in a 3.5 year long online relationship when I was in my later teen years. It changed my life and I really hurt her in the process, so I'd be happy to talk to you about it from his perspective. He needs to wake up to a lot of stuff.

He gets off sexually by feeling feminized.

This can be a fetish (i believe this qualifies as transvestism but it's so hard to keep track of all of our types), or it can simply (and by simply, this is a far worse thing) be that he wants to be a woman. Ask yourself if you'd be able to feel turned on as a woman if you were covered in body hair/stubble, wearing a flannel shirt and denim overalls, with your partner fingering your clit and talking about your nice cock.

That's sort of what it's like for a person who has a hairy male body who's got female desires trying to fill the male sex role. Masculine dominance requires a LOT of energy, activity, and drive. And that is simply difficult, 'unclean', or impossible if you do not want to be in that role. Lingerie and wigs and such overlay femininity over the masculinity and make it easier to feel comfortable with yourself. If you are comfortable with yourself, then it's easier to do other things. The arousal likely doesn't stem from the feel of microfiber and lace, but from the feeling of expressing oneself and being able to be aroused because they're suddenly open to it.

There is a tremendous amount of guilt involved. All of society, all of a man's life, everything forces rigid masculinity on a man. With feelings/secrets like that, repressed for years, it festers, it can go rotten. Most importantly when you begin to strip away the layers, all of that suddenly starts coming out the top. It's like a giant zit that's finally starting to drain, and at some point, probably explodes. I made that less graphic that I wanted it to be, but honestly it can be very nasty, destroy relationships, and hurt lives.

He's slowly progressing towards what makes him happy. As he gets more and more he's going to focus more and more on his freedom because he's wanted it for so long and it's new and important to him, and available. This is where you get marginalized and the troubles spring up because he simply can't see anything but the freedom he's gaining. This is the selfish stage of someone exploring gender issues, and unfortunately, we can get very, very selfish.

He needs a lot of patience and understanding, love, and care. He needs to be receptive to this and work with you, but pride, shame, and such are quite difficult barriers to break down, especially as you get older. Your relationship may very well not survive all of this, but the important thing to realize is that if neither one of you is getting what you really need out of it, then that is not a bad thing.


My honest advice? Get a strapon. Either come home one day wearing big, baggy mens' slacks hiding a strapon inside them and let the evening progress towards sex; he takes your pants off and out pops a cock (please buy a quality one.) Or while he's dressing up for foreplay go into another room and whip it out and strap it on. His reaction to the whole situation ought to tell you a lot.

You should read some transgendered erotica (english.literotica.com) - it'll mostly be stories about men being forced into the feminine role, having to dress up in makeup/clothes for some arbitrary reason, and how much they enjoy it. It's an expression of how they dodge the guilt bullet by having it 'forced' upon them and enjoying it and it being revealed how good they are at it and how appropriate it is for them to be the little made up slut instead of just flat out doing it of their own volition. It should give you some insight into the psyche that he's probably living in.

It is very hard, at first, to separate 'wearing a thong and a wig and sucking a cock' from 'being a woman.' It took considerable time for me to recognize that femininity exists as something more than actions between the sheets, and it took making changes that are visible 24/7 to deal with it. Living much closer, physically, to my mental desires, has really made everything so much better.

Granted, that's still appealing (well, not that I need a wig with my gorgeous hair) on a very core level for me, but I'm sure you enjoy feeling sexy and getting rogered by men too.

I personaly think Autumn is right to a degree   that is why there are several responces that tell you and him to get counseling   and as I have said you need to re-evaulate your own needs in all this   unless he can come to terms with what he is currently expericing (prob. most of his life) things can progres to the point that it can hurt and damage relationships as well as be self destructive depending on the outcome of the relationship  this is why it has been said so many times go seek counseling  and as I said there are several sources for this help  there are counselers that work on a sliding fee scale if you dont have medical coverage   please do not forget about your own needs  please do not let him bring you down in the prosess   to you as it has been said need to set the ultamatems (sp?) in your discussions if he wont talk to you he needs to talk to someone  this can go many different directions for the both of you   I know because in my past I am so sorry for the damages that I have caused by the hurt deception and etc..  when I started my counseling I came to relise so much about all this   ask your self do you want a lez relationship do you want a platonic relationship or do you want a normal hetersexual relationship  these are just a few questions that you have to ask your self   
you might know that some people will not reach out for the help untill they hit rock bottom    he has to admit that he needs the help first and it sounds like he is in denyal about what he is experiencing (  maby)   no one can say for shure there can only be spectualation as to what is going on inside him    I'll even bet even he doesnt know for shure
take good care of your self
Kristin