Yes, it does bother me A LOT. Sometimes I feel like a fraud, a fake copy of a guy. I'm tired and sick of all these problems just because I don't identify with my birth sex. It's sickening. My fear of being seen as vulnerable seems to crossover with my gender identity, like if I'm a male I'm supposed to be "strong" and "powerful". Btw, I'm an 8w7 enneagram type.

I hate it when people call me feminine adjectives. I hate it when I have to wear a dress on formal occasions when I could wear a tux if I could. I hate having to check female on application forms. I hate the stereotypes that people impose on me. I hate that some people just don't get it. I hate my body that doesn't want me to get into sports because of stupid gender dysphoria. I hate my hormones and my reproductive organs that will go to waste once I get the surgery.

I hate that I will never be cis.




*No Profanity Please*

Yes it does. It bothers me that I will have to dilate for the rest of my life and it bothers me that I can't ever have a child though I don't like or want them. But the fact I CAN'T have them is a black mark against me though there are cis women who don't want kids but it's not seen as a "disability"  with them.  It bothers me but not as much as it used to thanks to my brother. Once I was feeling sorry for myself and talking about no matter what I did I would never be a cis "real" female. He told me I was being kind of ungrateful and instead of having a pity party for myself I should be thankful for the fact that my transition was so easy and to be thankful that I was prettier than many cis girls he knew. He also said to keep in mind that there would always be children who needed homes. After thinking about all that, not being cis became more of a regret for me than something that made me totally bitter.

Quote from: Complete on September 01, 2018, 07:02:29 PM
I hope everyone realizes that the term  "cis" was constructed / invented to draw a distinction between you and ordinary women,  natal woman who were born female and then raised and enculturated as women.
That distinction did not exist until it was created in some misguided effort to....I don't know make us feel different?

I'm pretty sure the term "cisgender" was created for the benefit of trans people, not cis people. Since it is (in theory) a value-nuetral term, it helps prevent cis people from being described as "normal" or "real", which demeans trans people since that implies that trans people are abnormal and fake.

I don't think I'll ever be normal, but it does bother me that I don't have a body that is inline with how I feel.  I mean, even if I were to have a CIS female body right now, I would not be normal.. I would be a lot happier, but I don't think it is possible for me not to be weird.  I'm incredibly introverted, a lot of things that people do, just does not make sense to me.  Most people are very social creatures, while I am not.  I almost feel alien at times. 

It is funny, when watching HGTV, there is almost always a show on that has people looking to buy a house.. and the most important thing to them, is having enough space for guests, throwing parties, having guest rooms, and it just leaves me bewildered.. why would anyone want to have so many people over their house?  I look at that kind of scenario as more of a nightmare.  Everyone seems to want to impress one another, it seems to be an important part of our society, while I would rather just be left alone by society to live my own life.

When I envision myself eventually transitioning, I mostly think of just being comfortable in my own body.  I don't have an urge to be part of social circles, or to hang out with the girls on a fun night out.  I would probably still play around a lot on the Internet like I do now, I would have the same hobbies, etc.   I will still prefer to live my life in relative isolation.  I don't think that is normal in western societies.

So, I'm not happy with my body.  But I don't really want to have the life that I often see portrayed in movies or shows of your typical CIS girl.  I would want to have a CIS female body, mostly just so I felt comfortable in my own skin, and it is depressing that I don't. 

Quote from: Complete on September 01, 2018, 07:02:29 PM
I hope everyone realizes that the term  "cis" was constructed / invented to draw a distinction between you and ordinary women,  natal woman who were born female and then raised and enculturated as women.
That distinction did not exist until it was created in some misguided effort to....I don't know make us feel different?

Before the word Cis was invented to make the distinction, a lot of people in the trans community used the term GG (genetic girl ) for natal women, so It's just semantics.

I certainly think I would have an easier and happier life if I'd been born cis, but even if it's harder and more painful, there are some valuable lessons I've learned from being trans.

One of my earliest clues that I was trans was frequent fantasies about getting pregnant and being a mom, and that desire only got stronger as I grew up.  Knowing that's not going to happen, at least not without some massive medical advances in the next few years, can really get to me some days, especially when I see parents with children and I'm reminded how much I'd like children of my own.  Of course it would be nice to have a more naturally feminine body, and I also feel like I missed out on some other experiences from being raised as a 'boy'.

But, I don't get to choose my body or my gender; the only choice I get to make is whether I stay in the closet, avoiding transition forever, or start making the necessary medical and social changes to finally live as myself.  So far at least, I'm much, much happier transitioning and being out to people than I ever was trying to fit in as a guy, so that's what I'm going to keep doing.

It's definitely been hard and painful for me.  I grew up in an environment that was pretty hostile towards lgbt folks, and all of the hate I saw and experienced is something that I'll carry with me for my whole life.  I spent over 2 decades trying to live with my dysphoria and it was so bad that it nearly killed me several times, but I'm still alive.  All of that has given me so much more perspective on what it's like to suffer in silence, and to be unfairly judged and mistreated for who you are.  I'm sure that I have much more empathy for others, and that I recognize racism and sexism and other forms of prejudice far more easily because of the life I've lived than I would if I'd been born cis, so I try to make the most of that perspective by standing up for others that need it, so that their lives don't have to be as bad as mine was.

Quote from: zamber74 on September 02, 2018, 12:18:17 PM
I would want to have a CIS female body, mostly just so I felt comfortable in my own skin, and it is depressing that I don't.

Yeah.. and yet I see some trans women who are so naturally beautiful... it's actually astonishing to me. Yet I know being trans takes a lot of power away from us in the sense of who we are and how the world views us... it's a continuous burden to carry and let's not forget, a very lonely one. But I do understand..

Quote from: LeafyMeg45It's definitely89 on September 02, 2018, 01:56:24 PM

But, I don't get to choose my body or my gender; the only choice I get to make is whether I stay in the closet, avoiding transition forever, or start making the necessary medical and social changes to finally live as myself.  So far at least, I'm much, much happier transitioning and being out to people than I ever was trying to fit in as a guy, so that's what I'm going to keep doing.

  I'm sure that I have much more empathy for others, and that I recognize racism and sexism and other forms of prejudice far more easily because of the life I've lived than I would if I'd been born cis, so I try to make the most of that perspective by standing up for others that need it, so that their lives don't have to be as bad as mine was.

I feel this way. My road to true self awareness was long and plagued with obstacles and it didn't need to. I'm going to spend the time I have now to try and make it easier for others so they don't have to suffer in silence.

Quote from: Charlie Nicki on September 01, 2018, 10:57:22 AM
This has been bugging me the past couple of days. I will never be a cis woman. When I imagined myself before transition I imagined myself having the life of a cis woman, not only the looks.  I just want to be "normal", not have a trans baggage or a constructed vagina that can't have children. It's not that I'm dysphoric about not being able to have children, it's that sometimes I feel like a "made in China" knock-off that will never be the real deal. I also can't get rid of my height, my frame, my hands, my feet...I will always be "trans" (visibly and in my life experiences) no matter what I do. Living in stealth could help me get the closest to having a cis life but that brings a whole new set of problems like having to lie to everyone about my past. I can't and don't wanna do that.

Anyway, I'm just venting. I know that's just the way things are, can't do anything to change it, just wish in my next life I'm a cisgender woman.

How do you cope with these feelings?

I totally get you, girl. I could have written much of what you wrote. I don't know how visibly trans I am, because I can only assess that from a lack of negative feedback from people, but that doesn't necessarily mean they don't clock me or have personal doubts.

I tried dating sites without disclosing I am trans, and I got dates.  But only once did I ever get a second date after disclosing I was a post-op transsexual.  I could probably fool a lot of guys, even in bed, but I consider that too dishonest, not to mention dangerous, so I have relegated myself to fetish dating sites like mytranssexual date. Yeah, I get dates, but I feel so objectified.  They have been little more than hook-ups, and leave me feeling worthless.

I was 56 when I decided to try transitioning - and I succeeded beyond my wildest dreams - but the dating pool for a 61 year-old transgender is pretty small. The irony is that I was a miserable 56 year-old cis-male when I started, unable to have sex with women because the dysphoria was just overwhelming, and I figured I had nothing to lose by transitioning. Four years later, after a tremendous expenditure of money and harrowing risk to my personal and professional well-being, I am justifiably amazed and pleased with the physical transformation, but I am left with a new and unexpected dysphoria - that of being so close to an authentic life of a cis-female, but never quite there. It brings new meaning to the old cliche, "No matter where you go, there you are."

I'm still wrestling with this whole issue, as well as trying to figure out my sexuality. Still, if this is all I get from transition, I can honestly say I'd rather be a discontent trans-female than a discontent cis-male.

With kindness,

Terri

Quote from: Charlie Nicki on September 01, 2018, 10:57:22 AM
This has been bugging me the past couple of days. I will never be a cis woman. When I imagined myself before transition I imagined myself having the life of a cis woman, not only the looks.  I just want to be "normal", not have a trans baggage or a constructed vagina that can't have children. It's not that I'm dysphoric about not being able to have children, it's that sometimes I feel like a "made in China" knock-off that will never be the real deal. I also can't get rid of my height, my frame, my hands, my feet...I will always be "trans" (visibly and in my life experiences) no matter what I do. Living in stealth could help me get the closest to having a cis life but that brings a whole new set of problems like having to lie to everyone about my past. I can't and don't wanna do that.

Anyway, I'm just venting. I know that's just the way things are, can't do anything to change it, just wish in my next life I'm a cisgender woman.

How do you cope with these feelings?

Dear friend, this is the major cause of the dysphoria I have.
I know I'll never be a cis-woman.  Never grow into a woman from a girl.  Never have the experiences that shape you into the female mindset.  Never have children from my womb.

I does hurt, but this is a fact of reality and I will need to accept it or die trying.

I think being trans gave me a great perspective, it's an experience that is quite unique, especially when leading a double life as I have done in the last few years. It would have been great to experience what is like to grow up as a girl but being trans probably saved me from getting close to people who would have dragged me down with them, so I wouldn't trade in my past but there are quite a few things that bug me.

It bothers me that I will never be able to live without HRT, that medical science is not advanced enough to make my body the same as a cis woman's body and that I have to spend years and/or a lot of money to reach the level where I sound and look alright, at least on the surface.
It bothers me that I will never be able to sing, I'll never have a beautiful voice like my mother had.
I still cry sometimes when it occurs to me that I'll never give birth probably. I'm surrounded with pregnant co-workers and I'm constantly reminded of what I'll never have.

It bothers me that I have to explain myself like I did something wrong, that I have to fight for my rights and fight for respect.

Years ago the trans girls I knew thought I would transition quickly and easily because they thought I was pretty. I'm still not out because I see how they were treated behind their backs and I want none of that. I wish to reach a level where people don't question my gender, I had enough bullying and loneliness for a lifetime when I was a child, I don't wish to repeat the same experience 20 years later but leading a double life slowly makes me insane.

Quote from: zamber74 on September 02, 2018, 12:18:17 PM
It is funny, when watching HGTV, there is almost always a show on that has people looking to buy a house.. and the most important thing to them, is having enough space for guests, throwing parties, having guest rooms, and it just leaves me bewildered.. why would anyone want to have so many people over their house?  I look at that kind of scenario as more of a nightmare.  Everyone seems to want to impress one another, it seems to be an important part of our society, while I would rather just be left alone by society to live my own life.

Some really enjoy the company of others even to an extreme level.

Quote from: Lynne on September 02, 2018, 04:30:01 PM
It bothers me that I will never be able to live without HRT, that medical science is not advanced enough to make my body the same as a cis woman's body and that I have to spend years and/or a lot of money to reach the level where I sound and look alright, at least on the surface.
It bothers me that I will never be able to sing, I'll never have a beautiful voice like my mother had.
I still cry sometimes when it occurs to me that I'll never give birth probably. I'm surrounded with pregnant co-workers and I'm constantly reminded of what I'll never have.

Yeah, I keep imagining myself having a deep male opera voice all the time. I don't know if I'll get the full transition in the future but as a FtM it will bother me still having my uterus and ovaries. So I have my period. And then I think it's very, very unnecessary. Having my own children is not the issue but HOW I will produce them. I want to be a father. I don't think of myself as suitable for "motherly childcare".
I'm hoping that scientists will do something about this. Perhaps they will also find a way to make childbirth less, less painful

Quote from: Complete on September 01, 2018, 07:02:29 PM
I hope everyone realizes that the term  "cis" was constructed / invented to draw a distinction between you and ordinary women,  natal woman who were born female and then raised and enculturated as women.
That distinction did not exist until it was created in some misguided effort to....I don't know make us feel different?

But... We are different. I have something between my legs that reminds me of that everyday.

Quote from: Charlie Nicki on September 02, 2018, 05:04:47 PM
But... We are different. I have something between my legs that reminds me of that everyday.

Yes, even if our gender isn't defined by our bodies, our bodies are still different from the average cis people's body.
If trans people wouldn't be any different, this site and many others like it wouldn't exist.

Personally, l prefer not to dwell on being different. I find it is much easier blending in.

Quote from: Ryuichi13 on September 01, 2018, 11:44:27 PM
Cis actually wasn't a recently "invented" word, but a Latin word used to define those that are "on this side of."  Trans means "on the other side of," and as this wikipedia article explains, is often used in scientific circles, among other places. 

Cis and trans are not words but prefixes derived from latin meaning on the same side and and across from. The most common usage is in organic chemistry to describe the spacial relationship of  functional groups relative to a double bond.

I don't think cisgender was in general use yet when I first found the T* community on line in the late 80's or early 90s. By the mid late 90s it had bee common.

gg in the TS community meant "genetic girl" ... though in the crossdressing community I think it meant "genuine girl"

Never really liked the terms cisgender and transgender though I think both were coined in the T* community. From a MTF perspective, as a 20 year post-op i feel those labels just serve to emphasize the differences between post-ops and other women and in that way are counter productive...

That said i know cisgender and transgender are firmly imbedded terms in the community and in the public consciousness these days so arguing that serves no purpose...

Again from a MTF perspective, my own personal feeling is that how one got to be a woman SHOULD stop mattering so much after awhile... that to me is what the goal of transitioning should be about, be that by stealth or by whom one surrounds oneself with.

The things I can't fix are there and always will be, but should they be the defining factors of one's life forever? Is it even healthy to let them define it?

- karen

One of the interesting things about transition so far is that I have started to understand what it's like for normal people. I think my mind has been healing, and the irony of that is I can now see what I'm missing - or have been missing - what it's like to feel more normal, but of course I'm not normal myself, nor ever will be. I wasn't able to see it before, being so uncomfortable and clouded and subjected to hormones that exacerbated all my faults, including a blindness to normal states.

I could let it bother me I suppose, but there's no point. I was born like this. There's no undoing it. I'm feeling better mostly, apart from that increased awareness of a normal state of mind, and I don't think I have the energy to start wanting my life over again normally... I'm too tired for that now. Might as well just get on with it.

But I suppose that is one of those potential pitfalls of transition. As things come into clearer focus, so too does the awareness and sensation of what "feels right" is, and yet you still won't be 100% there in body. I can see how some people feel worse after they transition because now the goal is even nearer yet still so far. I don't think I was cut out - besides being trans - for a regular life anyway though so my pain regards it is less, and fortunately for me, testosterone lessens stress, sadness, emotions towards it, etc.   

Well since 'cis' means 'same as', I will never ever be the same as anyone else -- on earth apparently.
Would I want to be someones clone?   Maybe?  I think it'd be awesome to have an identical twin, but by the gods I'd feel sorry for the crap she'd have to go through too.  At least it'd be someone to commiserate with, if nothing else.

That being said, I do regret not having a 'normal' female puberty.. all that goes with it.  Then again I didn't have a normal male puberty either.   I regret never having children, but I still haven't finished the book on that possibility. I'm a stubborn gal.  I also have extenuating circumstances that still might make it possible, even at my age.

Wishes, prayers, and yes even magick are powerful things.  Never lose hope, it springs eternal.  That being said wishing for the utterly impossible (like being born 'normal') is a waste of time, unless you can manage to go back into that sperm & egg & alter its course.

Quote from: Complete on September 01, 2018, 07:02:29 PM
I hope everyone realizes that the term  "cis" was constructed / invented to draw a distinction between you and ordinary women,  natal woman who were born female and then raised and enculturated as women.
That distinction did not exist until it was created in some misguided effort to....I don't know make us feel different?

I know where all these natal women come from.