Hi everyone!I wanted to start my own topic so I have a place where I can write of my thoughts and experiences when I need so. I believe that it is very important that we share our stories and our knowledge. Both for the cis-society and for people dealing with trans and gender issues who may be searching for answers from other's stories. I will summarize a long story here.
So who am I?I was born the cold winter of 1996 in northern Europe, in Sweden. I grew up here in one of Sweden's largest cities, where I still live. It is a very tolerant, equal and peaceful society. My parents divorced when I was four, I lived with my mother and my 3 older brothers.
I remember I very early on had thoughts and feelings about identifying as a girl. I didn't really understand why I had a boys body and why I then felt like a girl. But I understood that I felt that I was a girl and that I wanted to be one and seen of others as one. I also remember myself lying in my bed at night, thinking about telling my mum and dad. But somehow I never dared to actually do so. I remember being so frightened. I believed if I told anyone about my feelings and thoughts I would be locked up in some mental institution. That scared me so much. I was really a frightened child. And it has caused some scars in my personality.
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https://i.pinimg.com/originals/0d/d9/73/0dd9735c55eba68b60e345d4877f6910.gif[/img]Anyways time went on and by February 2004 when just after I turned 8 years I discovered something new. In my surrounding up till then I had only experienced having straight cisgender people around me. At least as far as I knew. At this time I saw a drag queen group performing on television.
It was the first time I ever experienced some type of inter-gender type of thing. I was so amazed. It was guys dressed as women and they actually looked so authentic. The group was called After Dark. They stopped performing this year after 40 years performing. Quite amazing. The Lead singer of this drag group was a man called Christer Lindarw. He is a fashion designer, and he has from that day been one of the biggest role models in my life.
I started to dress up and play a little with makeup. My mother helped me with dresses and even some makeup. But I understood that I did not want to be just a drag queen. I wanted to be a girl because I felt like one. I at least now had some way of escaping my feelings.
I was so afraid of what my older brothers would think. So I tried to hide everything from them. They were so masculine, I was not. But I also wanted to belong with them. They were all older than me and had tighter relations with each other than what I had with any of them. I felt outside and tried as good as I could to become like them. Not understanding that I did so by starting to erase myself. It was a time of pain. And I felt like I did not understand anything.
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https://imgs.aftonbladet-cdn.se/v2/images/0e062526-916c-40ee-8001-446372a81a2b?fit=crop&h=736&w=1100&s=1a4ad2fde1d5b2db71be2c0c12da7b878ca0d712[/img]So began an era where I started to adjust to fulfill what I thought society expected from me. I behaved in the way I thought my family and friends would want of me. I felt like I was obligated to do so. I never questioned it at this stage. But gosh I wish I would have.
During this time, I started to dream about moving to the US when I became an adult. I choose the states just because it was a country that I was familiar with, it was large and far far away from my family. I dreamed about moving to the US and live my life as a woman, as myself. If I would go so far away nobody would know who I was, nobody would remember me and I would not have to worry about my family. My dream was to just disappear. Gosh, what a nightmare actually.
And then puberty hit. I don't have to go deep into this. But this was a time when my mood started to swing a lot. Actually, I started to get depressed and suffer from anxiety. Frustration grew and I started to research online about gender dysphoria and trans issues. What kind of treatment there was available and so on.
Since I still was a very frightened person I did not dear to tell anyone still. I pushed it on to the future. I thought that when I became like 18 things would change somehow.
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https://66.media.tumblr.com/e9a3140e8eb48377c6d7f3b41c1c0390/tumblr_mx3puyFzWn1rg0eizo1_500.gif[/img]I started smoking and drinking and partying. I was up late and didn't sleep at home. It was a way for me to escape reality and my feelings. Gosh, I partied hard and with all different kinds of people.
Turning 19 and graduating from school. And I was still an emotional mess. I had such a big circle of friends. But I still carried an entire load of feelings and thoughts inside.
My anxiety grew. I handled it by trying to suppress it even more and partied harder. Sometimes I would just crash but I was so used to feeling this way so it was like I kind of accepted it. I did not understand that there could be any other way, and I was so scared of telling anyone. I just still did not have the guts to do it. But I thought that by now I would share it very soon. I tried to collect courage.
The summer of 2016 I could not take it anymore. I was so stressed and my body started to tell me that enough was enough. My anxiety and panic attacks grew worse. Up till this point I had been very good at hiding most of my mental health problems from those around me. God only knows how!
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https://66.media.tumblr.com/21fe7a96b6a5dfc015d3ef3ac0362802/tumblr_nhposw4pk71twyx2bo1_500.gif[/img]But now I could not do it anymore. I was 20 years old and so damaged inside. I was laying in the arms of my friends and just crying. I could not interact. I just was in my own world. Feeling empty or overwhelmingly sad. I could sit in a corner and just stare right out in the air. By now my friends grew very concerned about me, and asked me what was wrong?!
So I stumble on the words. But I slowly told two of my closest friends that I.... maybe feel.. in.. a.. way like.. a... girl...
It was silent for a short moment. Then they just said but why did you just not say so? That's so cool and we love you for who you are! You are our friend and you matter so much for us. I cried and was so happy and shocked at the same time. Finally, I had told someone. And I was accepted and loved. It was very intense, to say the least.
So I decided that I wanted to tell my family. My mum and dad. I tried to collect courage to tell them face to face but I could not. So I wrote a letter. Describing my thoughts and feelings since I was a child. A little bit like this text.
I phoned my friends and decided to meet up with them at a coffee shop and then I put the letter on my mother's pillow, on her bed, while she was at work. I texted her that I had put a letter on her pillow that I wanted her to read when she came home.
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https://data.whicdn.com/images/183679768/original.gif[/img]Then I just ran. It felt like a movie where I was in slow motion but I was really running. I run through the city center until I found my friends. We then sat there and had coffee and talked until late in the evening. When my mother came home, she read my letter then texted me:
"But my dear, I always wanted a daughter."
I came home well after midnight. Maybe 2-3 am. I wanted to be sure my mother was asleep. She was and I sneaked into my room and crashed down in my bed. It was a very special feeling. Home has never ever felt so loving, caring and safe.
After this, I went to a youth health center. It's free and they help young people with sex, identity or addiction problems and such. There I meet a nurse and told him about my situation. He listened carefully and sent me on to a psychologist, she sent me to a psychiatrist who gave me a referral to a gender identity clinic in Lund, but when I received an answer from them that they expected to be able to receive me in 16 months time I once more collapsed. I got my referral changed to Stockholm and then I "just" had to wait 10 months. This was truly a very dark period in my life. I had come out but I could not do anything but wait. My psychiatrists said that I should not have to feel and live like this. That I should be able to enjoy life. It took a long time before I understood what she meant.
In my journal my psychiatrist during this time writes "the level of depression and suicide desire must be closely monitored". I started to use antidepressants.
I'm going to take a break here and continue sharing my story later. It takes me some time to write these posts.