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Gabrielle Vs The Cliff

Started by Gabrielle66, September 28, 2018, 03:35:00 PM

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Gabrielle66

Quote from: jkredman on December 08, 2018, 11:27:34 PM
Gabrielle:

I know it's terribly hard.  My transition coach keeps reminding me to go slow and be totally transparent.

She probably thinks her husband is dying.  And at the same time she 's clueless at how deep our pain truly is.

I know it hurts but try to slow down.

Ive rescheduled with my endo 3 times because the woman I love is struggling.  I'm looking at a 4th reschedule.....

Question:  is your therapist including your wife in any conversations?

My coach meets with my wife and myself individually for about 30 minutes each and then the three of us talk for about an hour.   It's working for us.

Just a thought.

Know that I'm praying for you two.

Kate






Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Kate,

Thank you for the well wishes and input. My wife came to a session with me and did not like my therapist. She felt attacked and blamed by her so that did not go well. My wife has her own therapist she sees for several issues but she is not really interested in being involved with my therapist at all. I, on the other hand, really like my therapist. She is real and down to earth. She engages me and I don't just tell her my thoughts and issues without feedback. She really has helped me find some root causes to other problems that I have never even tried to address in my life. In our last session this Monday she brought up hormones and she is of the opinion that if I want to start them then I should. The other side of the argument is exactly what you pointed out. Moving on to an active transition is going to put further strain on my relationship with my wife. So a rock and a hard place. Deep down I really feel that I need to transition. I don't know if I need full GRS or not but I need to start feeling like my body fits more to my mind. Sitting in neutral is just causing me more anguish. What I really need to be able to find is a support group that I can attend in person. I live in a pretty decent size city and feel that it is pretty depressing to not be able to find a group relatively easily. There are a bunch of them in LA or Orange County but it quite a distance and the traffic to reach them would be a serious detriment. Thank you so much for your prayers. That means more to me than you can imagine. Love and faith.

Gabrielle
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Gabrielle66

Quote from: Alice (nym) on December 09, 2018, 04:22:53 AM
I'm sorry Gabrielle that I missed this post. So sad to hear life is hitting you hard right now. Have you looked to see if there are any support groups that can help you wife where you live?  Did you find a support group near where you are?  And if so, has anyone else who is further down the line of transitioning have a similar experience who could perhaps help you?  Or is it possible for someone else's wife to help your own?

If not, then there might be somewhere online that can provide support for your wife.

Keep strong girl

*hug*

love
Alice

Thank you so much Alice. You are truly a sweetheart. You know where I'm at via our PMs but it's not all bad and I am doing better than I was a few days back. Love and faith.

Gabrielle
  •  

Gabrielle66

Quote from: Jessica_Rose on December 09, 2018, 06:11:15 AM
Gabrielle, I am a bit late to this thread, but I wanted to let you know there is hope. I have been married 34 years and we have two wonderful daughters. I started HRT on 23 March 2017 and went full-time on 16 Feb 2018. I expected my wife to leave, after decades of my anger and rage I thought this would be the last straw for our marriage. For months we slept in different rooms, and I didn't dare talk about it. Once we began going to therapy things began to improve. About 16 months after my journey began, my wife finally started to see the changes. Our relationship is now stronger than ever, and once again we are in love. Never lose hope. I wish you the best of luck on your journey.

Love always -- Jessica Rose

Jessica,

Your words are a wonderful encouragement. I do pray that something will happen in the future that will bring a desire for loving contact again with my wife. I do feel like it is getting close to the time to start my real journey. I have an appointment with my GP next week and we are going to discuss what steps are going to be required by my current insurance to get things moving towards HRT. I am afraid that it will end my relationship and I am afraid that it won't help me either and so then it would be a double whammy on me. So I still have to wrestle with that. I just see so many MTF timelines where people who felt many of the same things that I do have come out on the other side happy and contented with their lives. I want to be one of those women. I do fear that I will be alone and old and the only thing that I will have to cling to is being authentic. It's really whether I can conclude that the risk of that ending is worth pursuing. I'm so grateful to you Jessica and all of the ladies here like you that keep the encouragement going. I don't know what I would do without you ladies. Love and faith.

Gabrielle
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Gabrielle66

So I wanted to share something positive with all of you for once in this thread. This morning I got up took a shower and blow dried my hair. When I got done combing it in place and looked in the mirror it was the first time ever I felt like my hair looked girly. It's starting to get long enough to work with a bit. I have a slight part on the side where I have always parted it in the middle. It's starting to kind of wrap around towards my chin a little. It's not long enough to be down to my chin but it is long enough to fully cover my ears. I like the way it bounces when I flick my head. I actually felt a little bit pretty today. I know that I'm not with my rugged face and all that but it just felt like the first real glimpse of the woman I want to be. It just seemed like a good day to share this with all of you. Feeling girly is really awesome. The more positive mindset is doing something unexpected and has raised my libido. Three days in a row now I am woke up and felt alive if you get my meaning. That hasn't happened in years. Too bad I don't have a real outlet for that but it's still nice to feel good. To me, that's just a reminder that being honest with myself is the best path to lead. Love and faith to all of you.

Gabrielle
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Alice (nym)

I am glad you had a positive day Gabrielle. I hope they start coming more often.
Don't hate the hate... Start spreading the love.
  •  

Northern Star Girl

@Gabrielle66
Dear Gabrielle:
This is exciting for you for sure... it is so nice to start looking like the girl that you are inside and that you want to become.

"Girly" looking hair does not always have to be long, in fact there are many cute and feminine SHORT hair styles that cis-women wear all the time. I would encourage you to do a quick google search for "Short feminine hairstyles" ... you will see lots of cute and short women's hairstyles. 

Most transitioning trans-women desire longer hair because it certainly can (but not always) give the visual clue of being feminine.

Please feel free to keep posting your progress as you continue in your journey.
Thank you for sharing.

Hugs,
Danielle

Quote from: Gabrielle66 on December 19, 2018, 04:55:54 PM
So I wanted to share something positive with all of you for once in this thread. This morning I got up took a shower and blow dried my hair. When I got done combing it in place and looked in the mirror it was the first time ever I felt like my hair looked girly. It's starting to get long enough to work with a bit. I have a slight part on the side where I have always parted it in the middle. It's starting to kind of wrap around towards my chin a little. It's not long enough to be down to my chin but it is long enough to fully cover my ears. I like the way it bounces when I flick my head. I actually felt a little bit pretty today. I know that I'm not with my rugged face and all that but it just felt like the first real glimpse of the woman I want to be. It just seemed like a good day to share this with all of you. Feeling girly is really awesome. The more positive mindset is doing something unexpected and has raised my libido. Three days in a row now I am woke up and felt alive if you get my meaning. That hasn't happened in years. Too bad I don't have a real outlet for that but it's still nice to feel good. To me, that's just a reminder that being honest with myself is the best path to lead. Love and faith to all of you.

Gabrielle
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  •  

Jessica_Rose

For decades my hair was never more than an inch long. My last short haircut was in Dec 2016. I don't remember the date, but I was strangely happy the first time I found a knot while combing my hair. I was also exceptionally happy the day I noticed a hair in my mouth while I was eating. At first I was upset, then I smiled when I realized it was attached to my head! I began tying my hair back when I exercised because long hair is hot! The first time I felt that little pony tail brush across my back I was in heaven, I closed my eyes, and walked into a door frame. I was still smiling. After about 18 months I felt my hair was finally reaching a decent length, but I plan to let it keep growing.

It can be hard reaching these little milestones when your spouse does not share in your happiness. It was painful knowing that my wife considered every step forward I took to be another blow to our relationship. I am not sure what the turning point was, but I think it was a glorious weekend at Tia and Debi's re-wedding when we shared a house with Laurie, @Michelle_P , @Kendra , @Steph2.0 , and @SassyCassie . My wife got a chance to see that transitioning was not the end of who we were, but rather the start of becoming who we were meant to be. It was not an easy journey for either of us, but somehow we made it through the storm together.

My wife has even accepted and supports my decisions for GCS, and we can even joke about it now. Today we were grocery shopping. I pointed out a nutcracker and when I whispered 'I guess in a few more months we won't have a use for those', she laughed out loud.

I knew at the start that I could lose everyone I love, but the path I was on was actually hurting those I love the most. I made the choice to start HRT on my own, I didn't even tell my wife until several months after I started. I knew in my heart that it was the only way to end my pain and stay alive. I have been very lucky not to have lost anyone along the way. It is rare, but it does happen from time to time.

Love always - Jessica Rose
Journal thread - Jessica's Rose Garden
National Coming Out Day video - Coming Out
GCS - GCS and BA w/Dr. Ley
GCS II - GCS II and FFS w/Dr. Ley
FFS II - Jaw and chin surgery w/Dr. Ley
Hair - Hair Restoration
23Mar2017 - HRT / 16Feb2018 - Full Time! / 21Feb2019 - GCS / 26July2019 - GCS II / 13Oct2020 - FFS II
"It is never too late to be what you might have been." - George Eliot
  • skype:Jessica_Rose?call
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Gabrielle66

Jessica,

I have to say that we must be on the same wavelength. When you talk about the stages of your hair i can feel so much of the same thing up until the hair in the mouth part. Mine is not that long yet but I am certain that I will have the same reaction when it does happen. I dream of the day that I can put my hair in a ponytail and have it dance on my back. I will be grinning ear to ear when that day comes.

As far as things may or may not go with my wife. I am just trying to stay hopeful until all hope is gone. Even then, I may remain hopeful a bit longer. Lord only knows how much I still love her but if her path has to be separate from mine then I have to be willing to accept that.

I hope that you don't mind me saying that I absolutely adore your smile. It is so beautiful and genuine. I want to reach a point where joy can be seen on my face as clearly as it is on your own. Thank you again for your encouraging and inspirational comments. Love and faith.

Gabrielle
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Jessica_Rose

My hair is actually very curly. My stylist straightens it whenever she does my hair, and I love it. I finally bought a straightening iron and learned how to do it myself. Eventually I will embrace the curls, but that robs me of two to three inches of length, and for now I prefer the length over the curls.

I hope your wife gives this a chance before making a rash decision. My wife often said 'I didn't sign up for this', and I would respond with 'Well neither did I.' I also mentioned that when we got married it was 'for better or for worse', and she had already survived the 'worse' part. Time and patience are our friends. An occasional nudge may help, but don't push too hard or too often.

Thank you for the comment about my smile, a few others have commented about it as well. I never used to show my teeth on the rare occasions when I smiled, I was just not a very happy person. The smile magically began appearing the day I came out to my daughters -- they both accepted and supported my decision. I now smile quite often, especially when I see that woman staring back from the mirror. I still have a hard time believing it is me. I don't want to post any photos here because it is your thread, but here is a link to the last 'before' photo I posted:

https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,236472.msg2123965.html#msg2123965

Just two years ago I would have laughed if anyone suggested that I was transgender. If I remember correctly, it was around 7:30pm on 28 Dec 2016 that I had an epiphany. In that moment, I found the source of my anger and realized I had to begin a new journey. I didn't know where or how to start and I thought it would be impossible, but I took that leap anyway. It hasn't been easy, but it is the best decision I ever made. If you want to discuss anything personal, please feel free to PM me.

Love always -- Jessica Rose
Journal thread - Jessica's Rose Garden
National Coming Out Day video - Coming Out
GCS - GCS and BA w/Dr. Ley
GCS II - GCS II and FFS w/Dr. Ley
FFS II - Jaw and chin surgery w/Dr. Ley
Hair - Hair Restoration
23Mar2017 - HRT / 16Feb2018 - Full Time! / 21Feb2019 - GCS / 26July2019 - GCS II / 13Oct2020 - FFS II
"It is never too late to be what you might have been." - George Eliot
  • skype:Jessica_Rose?call
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Gabrielle66

So I have reached the truly dreaded awkward hair state. I have to say that I love feeling it tickle my jawline but it sticks up on the sides like wings and gets pushed up in the back by my shirt collar. When I get out of the shower and work with it in the morning I can get it to look pretty nice with a little curl on the ends towards my face. I guess it looks a little like a bob but without the well defined layers and all that. I haven't really decided what I'd like it to look like once it really does get long enough. I was thinking that the weight would just kind of keep it coming straight down the sides of my face and that the little curl on just the tips would hopefully look cute. There is nothing cute about it right now. I'm trying not to look like a slob but don't have a clue how to work this. I do service a lot of customers in the field and don't want to be a poor representation of IT but I can't go back to short hair. I just can't. Of course, hats are not allowed so that really limits my options. Wish me luck. Love and faith.

Gabrielle
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Jessica_Rose

When I was at that awkward stage I used a fistful of mousse every morning to slick it down. My hair was crunchy once the mousse dried, plus it was hurricane proof. Only one or two people ever commented about my hair getting longer. Let's face it, IT folks are not typically known for their sense of fashion!

I wish you continued luck on your journey. Love always -- Jessica Rose
Journal thread - Jessica's Rose Garden
National Coming Out Day video - Coming Out
GCS - GCS and BA w/Dr. Ley
GCS II - GCS II and FFS w/Dr. Ley
FFS II - Jaw and chin surgery w/Dr. Ley
Hair - Hair Restoration
23Mar2017 - HRT / 16Feb2018 - Full Time! / 21Feb2019 - GCS / 26July2019 - GCS II / 13Oct2020 - FFS II
"It is never too late to be what you might have been." - George Eliot
  • skype:Jessica_Rose?call
  •  

Gabrielle66

Quote from: Jessica_Rose on January 04, 2019, 06:18:12 PM
When I was at that awkward stage I used a fistful of mousse every morning to slick it down. My hair was crunchy once the mousse dried, plus it was hurricane proof. Only one or two people ever commented about my hair getting longer. Let's face it, IT folks are not typically known for their sense of fashion!

I wish you continued luck on your journey. Love always -- Jessica Rose

Funny, I was going to ask for opinions about mousses or hairspray? I've never used anything other than water. I really do need to start learning how to make myself up including styling my hair. I watched an awesome video today on YouTube. There was a trans woman named Archie explaining how to feminize your features with makeup. She actually explained why she used each type of makeup and why it was being used in that location of her face. I really thought it was quite helpful. I'm just itching to try makeup. I know it's going to look stupid the first several times but I'll never learn the right way if I never try. I have to admit that I'm a bit frightened to post any pictures to get opinions since I'm not ready to be out socially yet. I want to be but I have no social skills to fit in as a proper woman. This is my year to start my transition in earnest. I never knew that you could be excited and terrified about the same thing at the same time. I'm going to be asking a lot of questions this year. You all have been so helpful to me already. I know that I can get wonderful advice here whenever I reach out. Love and faith.

Gabrielle
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Zoey421

Quote from: Gabrielle66 on November 06, 2018, 02:53:40 PM
Thank you ladies for being here for me. I know that you of all people understand the struggle I am facing. Especially those of you who are married. It's all so painful to deal with. I'm finding it more difficult to just function in society the more that my wife pulls away from me. It is our 18th anniversary on Sunday and I have never felt so far away from her as I do now. I want to be close to her and feel that intimate connection that has always been there since we met. It seems like it's miles away now. Whenever I try to connect she just lets my attempt hang. She doesn't reject me, she just doesn't embrace my attempts like she used to.

I tried to let her vent during the session yesterday but she really didn't want to open up at all. My therapist kept trying to get her to open up and expand on some of her feelings about what going on but she just doesn't seem capable of it at this point.

After the session she would not let me touch her, she was visibly upset and said that she felt she was being judged in the session. I'm sure that she meant by my therapist but it felt like she had implied that she felt it from me as well. I don't judge her for her anger and feelings that I betrayed her but I want to find a way past those feelings. Without a two way conversation, we can't work through it.

I'm so afraid that we will never be able to reconnect and rebuild our intimate relationship. Physical touch is extremely important to me. I don't necessarily need sex but I need that intimate connection. Hugging and kissing and feeling the warmth of an honest togetherness. I do love sex but it's not the most important thing to me.

I know that it's only been a few sessions with my new therapist but after yesterday it just feels like there will be no happy ending for me. It feels like my wife will never accept me as being female and will never want us to be intimate again. It appears that we may be able to be best friends but that looks like the extent of my possible future with her. I'm so very sad over this. She is my life and I have nothing without her. All of my hopes and dreams have been built around being in a relationship with her. A loving and intimate relationship. I do feel very empty inside. The world just seems colder and less inviting that it ever has before.

Oh and the last thing is that she seems to be very negatively affected by my decision to wear panties. This one really hurts me deeply. When I wear panties, I feel more real. I feel more genuine in my own mind. I have a better attitude towards the world in general when I wear them. But I can't discuss this or explain it to my wife because she doesn't want to know anything about that. I don't even let her see me in them ever. I dress and undress out of her sight and I wash them myself so she doesn't even have to touch them. The one thing that makes me feel better that I have done is absolutely revolting to her. This is something I just can't wrap my mind around.

We have a trip to Vegas booked for our anniversary week, next week, and I don't know how to even approach it. I bought her tickets to see Cher because she loves Cher. We are going to be there four nights and we will have a king sized bed. In the past, these trips meant that we would try lots of new things. Especially when we were intimate. Now She will just sleep as far away from me as possible and to ease her frustration I will not even bring the panties along. I will just wear all of my normal everyday guy clothes. I want to wear something pretty. I want to be feminine. I hate my life right now. I am sorry for being negative. Danielle will be disappointed that I can't find a way to turn this into a positive but I just don't feel it right now. Thank you all for listening. Love and faith.

Gabrielle

Hi Gabrielle, I understand how you feel coming out and your relationship with your wife. I am at a similar stage with my wife although our 21 year marriage has been rocky for a decade or so. Coming out to her was the last straw, something she didn't sign up for and doesn't want to have a marriage with a woman. While it hurt to hear this, I know that it was important to listen to her and really hear what she was saying. Both of us deserve to be happy. I'm happy coming out and accepting I am transgender. She needs to be happy too and if that means moving on, so be it.

I guess what I am saying is it is important to accept and love yourself first because then you can more easily recognize the love and acceptance from others. Second, you can't control what your wife believes, feels, or thinks and she deserves to be able to have these. It is our responsibility, if we love and accept ourselves, to respect our wives' beliefs, feelings, and thoughts. Our spouses have to go through their own processing of what we have said and they will process this differently than us and we need to support them as well. I know this tough! Remember, we have been thinking about coming out, accepting our reality much longer than our wives have been thinking about this.

I hope your wife can accept your true reality. It sounds like you had a loving and strong marriage before you came out. Build on that strength. I have read many stories about strong marriages that are stronger after a spouse came out transgender, some of those stories have been told in this thread.

Continue to work on yourself, love yourself, accept yourself. Your wife may or may not join you on your journey, but you will always be on the journey. Change is hard and I hope you can come to a place where you can support your wife as she goes through her process.

At the end of day, we are experiencing a rebirth and finding the happiness that has been hidden. I hope your marriage is successful and that you are happy.

Hugs Zoey

  •  

jkredman

Hey Gabrielle:

I'm there with you sister on the 'awkward hair state', and the IT folk who have no sense of fashion.  (Although when I found myself doing tech sales, I had to figure something out...)

Haven't gone to the mousse yet, but have settled on an idea.

I'm growing it to shoulder length and putting it in a pony tail.   When I have to present as male (for the time being), I'll wear it in a low pony tail.   When I can present as my true Kate self, I'm going to wear it in a high pony tail.

My transition coach connected me up with a trans friendly salon.  The ladys there are great.  Unfortunately I just need to let the top of my head catch up to the back and sides of my head.

Damn male haircuts....   ;-)

THIS TOO SHALL PASS!

Back to the IT sense of fashion...  I've always wore my hair as a bit long.  As it greyed, I found it served me very well.  As an older person with GREY hair, I could quickly develop a rapport with the 'C Suite'.   Because it was longer, I wasn't a stuffed shirt and could develop a working relationship with the kids that were doing the work....  (An IT kid is anybody under the age of 45!)

And women that I ended up working with closely would open up.  Like really open up.

One of my coworkers stopped mid conversation, once, and said;  "god, I talk to you like your my girlfriend!'

She was one of the handful of people, so far, I've come out to as Trans.   She's one of my biggest supporters!

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
Kate
  •  

Jeal

Quote from: Gabrielle66 on December 20, 2018, 04:43:40 PM

As far as things may or may not go with my wife. I am just trying to stay hopeful until all hope is gone. Even then, I may remain hopeful a bit longer. Lord only knows how much I still love her but if her path has to be separate from mine then I have to be willing to accept that.


Dear Gabrielle,

Can I just say how much I empathize with your story on so many levels.  I am in the same process with my wife, and it  can be terribly hard to be pulled between two such core needs.  I think that was the hardest thing to overcome in coming out was the fear of losing her.  I wish you both all the best.  My wife has found the book
She Said She Said: Love, Loss, & Living My New Normal Paperback by Anne M Reid (Author) helpful.  I read it to.  It was somewhat triggering to have to confront the pain of the author and to see her transgender wife through the lens of the ciswife, but I am glad I read it. 

In your first post you talk about your male persona as being solemn and grim before accepting your female nature.  Part of my self realization was seeing the stoic, removed male I behaved as, and realizing underneath that there was a loving, free, emotional girl that was trapped and crying for release.  This is the drawing I made shortly before acceptance:



I love that you see this as a journey to being a more loving and caring self.  I feel the same way.  Your story inspires me to keep moving forward and I wish you all the best!

Love,

Jael
Trans-cendental Musings Blog and Art:
https://jaelpw.wixsite.com/website


  •  

Gabrielle66

Quote from: jkredman on January 07, 2019, 11:11:06 PM
Hey Gabrielle:

I'm there with you sister on the 'awkward hair state', and the IT folk who have no sense of fashion.  (Although when I found myself doing tech sales, I had to figure something out...)

Haven't gone to the mousse yet, but have settled on an idea.

I'm growing it to shoulder length and putting it in a pony tail.   When I have to present as male (for the time being), I'll wear it in a low pony tail.   When I can present as my true Kate self, I'm going to wear it in a high pony tail.

My transition coach connected me up with a trans friendly salon.  The ladys there are great.  Unfortunately I just need to let the top of my head catch up to the back and sides of my head.

Damn male haircuts....   ;-)

THIS TOO SHALL PASS!

Back to the IT sense of fashion...  I've always wore my hair as a bit long.  As it greyed, I found it served me very well.  As an older person with GREY hair, I could quickly develop a rapport with the 'C Suite'.   Because it was longer, I wasn't a stuffed shirt and could develop a working relationship with the kids that were doing the work....  (An IT kid is anybody under the age of 45!)

And women that I ended up working with closely would open up.  Like really open up.

One of my coworkers stopped mid conversation, once, and said;  "god, I talk to you like your my girlfriend!'

She was one of the handful of people, so far, I've come out to as Trans.   She's one of my biggest supporters!

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Hi Kate,

Thanks for touching base on my thread. I so want to get to the point of being able to have a ponytail. In my mind's eye that feels like it would be the litmus test for beginning to have feminine hair. I know that lots of ladies can ROCK the short hair look but in my case, I feel that I need that long hair for my personal satisfaction. Not because it's what society expects but it's what I really want that I never was able to have in my entire life. The longer it gets the better I feel about myself. I know that may sound shallow but it really rings true in my case.

How is your transition going Kate? I know that you really wanted to try to keep your lady on board with your relationship. It seems like the last time you mentioned it that things were a bit rough and she was not really on board. Has anything changed? I do hope that very best for your Kate. We all deserve to be happy and true to ourselves. Love and faith.

Gabrielle
  •  

Gabrielle66

Quote from: Jeal on January 08, 2019, 02:31:02 PM
Dear Gabrielle,

Can I just say how much I empathize with your story on so many levels.  I am in the same process with my wife, and it  can be terribly hard to be pulled between two such core needs.  I think that was the hardest thing to overcome in coming out was the fear of losing her.  I wish you both all the best.  My wife has found the book
She Said She Said: Love, Loss, & Living My New Normal Paperback by Anne M Reid (Author) helpful.  I read it to.  It was somewhat triggering to have to confront the pain of the author and to see her transgender wife through the lens of the ciswife, but I am glad I read it. 

In your first post you talk about your male persona as being solemn and grim before accepting your female nature.  Part of my self realization was seeing the stoic, removed male I behaved as, and realizing underneath that there was a loving, free, emotional girl that was trapped and crying for release.  This is the drawing I made shortly before acceptance:



I love that you see this as a journey to being a more loving and caring self.  I feel the same way.  Your story inspires me to keep moving forward and I wish you all the best!

Love,

Jael

Jael,

I wanted to thank you for sharing your beautiful drawing on my thread. I wish I had that kind of talent with art. Sadly, my mom seems to have been gifted with all of the artistic talent in my family. I am going to look into reading that book. Anything that can improve my perspective or understanding of what my wife is going through would be very welcome to me.

It's very odd looking back at my life and realizing how fake my life has been. I have had to work very hard to attempt to be the man that society expected from me. In virtually every aspect of my life I have been unable to identify fully with the "man" that I was. It was so strange that I had to guess how to act in any given situation. In school it was always easier to be around the girls than the boys. Even though it was supposed to be the direct opposite. So often I wanted to sit with all of the girls in their pretty dresses and just talk. I should have known that I was meant to be one of them. Societal standards made those girls leery about my intentions. So more often than not I was alone because I didn't feel comfortable around most of the other boys.

I actually had a wonderful session with my therapist yesterday. I really find it pleasant to be addressed by the name Gabrielle. I actually feel more calm when that happens. We talked a lot about how I can be more authentic and feel more like my feminine self. I was smiling at the end of the session after crying a lot during most of it. I felt really encouraged. On my way home I had to call my therapist to change the appointment that I had set at then end of the session. It was the first time that I had ever referred to myself as Gabrielle in a phone conversation. I can't really describe what that felt like. It really felt important.

Thank you so much Jael for taking the time to comment in my thread. It's always nice to meet a new friend and a fellow sister. I wish you all of the good fortune possible on your own journey and absolute happiness in your relationships. Love can never be wrong. I wish I had learned that lesson much sooner. Love and faith to you.

Gabrielle
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Gabrielle66

So, I was super excited last Thursday at work. I wanted to post this then but there was that data outage here. Then I got a terrible cold last weekend that had me down for four days. I'm feeling so much better now and still wanted to share this. OK, so last Thursday I was having a pretty good hair day. The length is getting to be nice. It's still too short but it's definitely over the ear length. The coolest thing happened. TWO different women that I work with gave me random compliments about how they loved my hair. One of them even said she was jealous of how good it looked. I had created a cute little forward arced curl at the ends in front of my ears. So it kind of swooped in from both edges of my face. For the life of me, I haven't been able to recreate it since. But it was so awesome getting compliments from women about my hair. I was taken aback by the first one and didn't thank her immediately for the compliment. I did send her an email after a few minutes though thanking her for that wonderful compliment and for noticing. It just really made me feel good. It was validating. Nobody has asked me about how my look is changing up to this point but I really feel like being honest with them if they ever do. I am proud to be a woman. It feels right for once in my life. Thanks for listening. Love and faith.

Gabrielle
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Jeal

Gabrielle,

So happy to hear you had such an empowering and validating experience, and thank you for your kind words about my art!!  There is a lovely book called "The Voice of Knowledge" by Don Miguel Ruiz.  In it he talks about how we all create our own story, we are all artists and our life is our artwork.  I find it very inspirational as I go about re-writing my own story.  You are definitely an artist, and your artwork is beautiful :D

I hear you about the feeling of having been 'fake'.  I can really relate.

I also really appreciate your thoughtful, honest and optimistic tone.  It helps me to bring the same qualities into my own experience.

Love,

Jael
Trans-cendental Musings Blog and Art:
https://jaelpw.wixsite.com/website


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Gabrielle66

I found a support group! In fact it's only a couple of blocks from my therapist and less than a mile from my work. They meet every Tuesday night. I'm excited to meet some other people that I can identify with. I'm going to try to be there next week. I'm super excited! Love and faith.

Gabrielle
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