« on: June 05, 2022, 06:11:33 am »
One year ago, Susan and I married each other for the second time. The last five years were quite stressful, and there were many days I wasn't sure if our marriage would survive. Somehow we managed to stay together, and both of us learned how powerful love can be.

To celebrate our 37 + 1 anniversary, Susan and I plan to visit Garvan Gardens in Hot Springs, AR, then visit a local restaurant for lunch. We need to limit today's celebrations a bit, tomorrow morning I leave on a business trip to Cleveland, OH, and I need to finish packing.

Love always -- Jessica Rose

   

« on: June 12, 2022, 12:10:44 pm »
My trip to Cleveland went well, although it was a bit cooler than expected and rained nearly every day. My first day on the road I drove through heavy rain for the first hour or so, and I had to deal with several other heavy showers during my drive. I spent the first night just north of Cincinnati, OH. I made it to our office in Cleveland around 11:00am on Tuesday.

It's odd being in a building designed for thousands of people when so few people are there. For some reason I was expecting more people to be in the office, but only one of the local team members was there. Pete joined the team around the same time I did over 16 years ago. He has been an amazing friend, and I think he is one of only two male co-workers who isn't self-conscious about hugging me. Pete and I had a late lunch at Panera as we caught up on each other's lives.

Wednesday was uneventful, just full of meetings. On Thursday a few more of my team showed up in the office, and everyone attended the outing in our local park. One of the people I had never met in person commented that I was much prettier in person! We had some good food (baked chicken and steamed clams), great conversation, and a cornhole tournament. After the event I visited a shoe store a new friend told me about. 'Mar-Lou' carries women's shoes up to a size 15! I tried on over a dozen shoes, but I only bought two pairs of sandals.

Our campus was nearly empty on Friday, so I decided to leave a little early to beat the traffic in Cleveland, Columbus, and Cincinnati. I spent the night in La Grange, KY. While in town I visited a local Walmart to check out their garden center. I found some beautiful daylilies and bought a few for our garden. Unfortunately while loading them into my car, I lost a silver ring, and I didn't notice it until I checked into my hotel. I bought the ring during my last trip to Scottsdale, and it does hold a special meaning to me. After searching my purse and car, I decided to head back to Walmart. After searching the parking lot for a few minutes, I found it! I was amazed that no one had picked it up, or than it hadn't been run over by another car.

I had several delays on the way home Saturday. First was a nearly one-hour construction delay at 6:30am just south of Louisville, KY. The next delay was just west of West Memphis, AR, due to a multi-car accident on I-40. Although my trip home took nearly two hours longer than expected, it was reasonably smooth. I did manage to satisfy my inner 'nerd' by breaking a personal record on the drive home -- 602 miles on a single tank of gas! It's a Honda Accord with a V6 engine -- and it's not a hybrid. After unloading the car, I went grocery shopping, made dinner, washed the car, and mowed the front yard.

I guess my life is pretty much back to normal now. I went a whole week with old and new friends, and not once did the subject of my transition come up.

Love always -- Jessica Rose

   

« on: July 07, 2022, 04:06:08 pm »
Over the last few years I have had increasing issues with my throat and voice. A few months ago it was so bad that it felt like someone had their hands around my throat choking me, so I made an appointment with an otolaryngologist. I was given a prescription to treat acid reflux. It helped, but my voice was still not what it should be.

Today I had a follow-up appointment, which included the use of a strobe. Having a camera snaked through my nose into my throat was not as bad as it sounds. The worst part was having a numbing spray blasted up my nostrils several times. The doctor took video of my vocal chords as I made different sounds, and it was interesting to watch the playback as she described what was going on.

The verdict? My vocal cords and all of the other structures in my throat are fine. The issues I'm having may be due to the stress I have been using to tighten my vocal cords and speak in a higher pitch. A y-shaped structure above my vocal cords is now stretched out from where it should be. They are confident that voice therapy can resolve the issue while allowing me to retain my current voice. My doctor will try to get me scheduled with a specialist at UAMS (University of Arkansas Medical School), who is considered to be one of the best in the nation. Hopefully I will be able to see them in August or September.

We visited my dad a few weeks ago, and plan to visit again this weekend. Last time down he mentioned a flat tire on his car. I jacked the car up and removed the tire, then looked for damage. The culprit was easy to see, a large screw dead center in the tread. Normally that could be repaired, but apparently my dad ignored the 'low pressure' warning and drove on the flat for a long time -- the sidewall had split open across most of the tire. No one had the tire in stock, but we got it ordered and I took the rim into town so they could mount the tire for my dad as soon as it arrived.

Two weekends ago I peeled up some sod near the back of our house and put in another flower bed -- more daylilies, some lantana, and a hydrangea. Last weekend I straightened up our garage and got rid of a few more boxes left over from our move last year. I also washed, waxed and thoroughly cleaned the interior of both our cars.

Life goes on...

Love always -- Jessica Rose

« on: July 25, 2022, 01:27:53 pm »
I don't post very often because I really don't have much going on, but I do want people to know that life can return to normal after transition. I will always respond to personal messages if someone has any questions or comments they would prefer to keep off the forums.

My trip to Colorado Springs went well. I left late Thursday morning and spent the night in Amarillo, TX. Friday morning, I saw a really nice sunrise near Channing, TX. I got into Colorado Springs early enough for lunch and a little shopping before meeting Kris for some electrolysis. I had not been able to have electrolysis in eight weeks, so Kris had a lot of work to do. After what wound up being a 5hr session, I checked into my hotel then visited Old Chicago for an 'individual' pizza -- it was much more food than I expected!

Kris and I were able to start around 9:30am Saturday. Although it took another 5hr session, she cleared every area we usually work on, including ankles and hands. We had a late lunch at a nearby Mexican restaurant, then I hit the road for Clayton, NM. The next morning, I was in Channing, TX once again for another nice sunrise (I was in the exact same spot for both sunrises). I also saw some local wildlife, something I had not seen in the wild for a long time -- a horned lizard! After taking a few photos, I resumed my drive home. I got home around 5:00pm, unloaded the car, and even fixed dinner.

Sunday night I confirmed success in a long-running fight with EquiFax. Susan and I have decided to trade in one of our vehicles, which will require a new loan. The last time I tried to get a loan, EquiFax had flagged my credit due to my name change and we had a real struggle. This time my application sailed through without issue, and I was approved for a new loan within a few minutes. If all goes well, we'll be getting our new car tomorrow. Yea!

Love always -- Jessica Rose

   

« on: July 28, 2022, 12:50:02 pm »
My birthday went well, but I stayed busy all day. Maybe one day I can retire, but for now I do have a great day job with an awesome employer!

After work, Susan and I dressed up a little and visited our local Toyota dealer. We traded in our small SUV for similar a plug-in hybrid SUV from Toyota. I got on a wait list for the car in March, and the timing just happened to work out perfectly for my birthday. The dealer was really nice and friendly. We got a good trade-in offer on our old car without haggling, and they didn't try to hard-sell us on any warranties, maintenance plans or SiriusXM. They didn't even add a dealer mark-up to the price. Including the test drive, paperwork, and final prep, about 2.5 hours after arrival we were headed towards dinner in our new car.

We decided to eat at Longhorn Steakhouse. Susan ordered pork chops, and I ordered salmon. Yes, we were at a steak place and neither of us ordered steak. Dinner went well, and we had a nice conversation with our young server. At one point she asked if we were sisters. I told her 'no, Susan is my wife.' The server got a big smile and said that we were 'blessed' to be together. She asked how long we had been married, and I told her '38 years'. She thought that was great, mentioning many marriages don't last 8 years, let alone 38!

By the time we got home it was a bit too late for cake. Hopefully we can have some tonight. I'm a firm believer that your birthday lasts until the cake is gone, so I don't mind waiting a day or two.

Love always -- Jessica Rose

« on: July 31, 2022, 04:32:05 pm »
I've been doing some mild customization on our new car over the last few days:

1 - Replaced all six speakers. The factory speakers were terrible.
2 - Installed front and rear dash cams.
3 - Replaced the factory 'meep meep' horns with some louder ones.
4 - Installed aluminum mesh screens to protect radiator and A/C condenser.
5 - Removed dealer decal.

Before transitioning, just about any one of these could have resulted in hand injuries, foul language, or have been a source of enough frustration for me to blow a gasket. This time? Not only were there no injuries, there was also no foul language or frustration.

Even though it's been over four years since transition, I still occasionally wonder if I made the right decision. All I have to do it think about all those things which used to frustrate me and cause my anger and rage to burst forth, and I know I chose wisely. My life will never be perfect, but it's certainly better than it used to be.

Love always -- Jessica Rose

« on: August 11, 2022, 07:31:02 am »
I had been putting it off for too long, so last week I finally visited a local dentist for a cleaning. I arrived early to fill out all the paperwork. One question asked if I ever had any major surgery and to provide details. I answered 'Yes, cosmetic'. I wonder if that will lead to more questions later?

The dental hygienist took a panoramic x-ray followed by several bite-wing x-rays, then got to work on my cleaning. Although it had been nearly a year since my last cleaning, she said it wasn't too bad. The dentist came in later to review my x-rays and said everything looked good. The appointment went well, there were no comments about my lip implants or jaw surgery, and no probing questions.

Yesterday I spoke to the speech therapist who works with my ENT. I mentioned that I had stopped taking the omeprazole (as suggested), but after 3 - 4 weeks the choking symptoms returned. The symptoms improved within 24hrs of restarting the medication. My ENT now plans to set up an appointment to take x-rays while I drink barium (I'll ask for chocolate barium) in an attempt to see what's going on. Hopefully we'll get this figured out soon.

Love always -- Jessica Rose

« on: August 22, 2022, 03:11:56 pm »
Yesterday I returned from another trip to Colorado Springs. I was able to see my hair stylist this time. My hair is really soft and smooth now, but all it takes is a few washings for it to revert to a more feral state. I also had 9hrs of electrolysis with Kris. I really only have one problem area, which is under my chin. She treated those hairs two or three times. I'm hopeful those hairs will eventually get the message that they are no longer wanted, but they seem to be quite stubborn.

Today I had an esophagogram at a local hospital affiliated with a religious denomination. It went well. The worst part was fasting, but the unflavored barium will definitely never be on my favorites list. When I stepped into the exam room the technician asked if I was wearing an underwire bra or if my bra had metal hooks, I told him that I wasn't wearing one today. I was expecting to at least partially disrobe, but instead he just asked me to wear a gown over my clothes to keep them barium-free. I was a little upset, the technician was cute and I was hoping to flash him.

I was asked to stand in front of a flat panel about 8ft tall and 2.5ft wide. They lined up the machine, then gave me some 'fizzy crystals' and a small glass of water. The crystals had a bitter citrus flavor and quickly generated quite a bit of gas in my stomach. Next was a rather thick liquid containing barium. I took a few swallows, then the technician took several images as the liquid made its way down to my stomach. After a minute or two they made sure I was leaning back on the panel, then they rotated the entire apparatus until I was lying down. Next, I drank a thinner barium solution and more images were taken. I was soon rotated back to a standing position and was asked to swallow a barium tablet for another set of images. The entire session only took about 15 minutes. Two hours later and I'm still burping. Unless I didn't translate the results correctly, everything appears to be normal. I'll take that as good news, it just means that we need to look somewhere else for an answer.

Tomorrow I have an eye exam. One of my eyes hasn't been focusing well since I accidentally sat on my glasses a few months ago. I had my glasses adjusted after that incident, but for some reason the prescription in my left eye seems to be way off now.

Every once in a while, I suddenly get extremely happy with myself, like a sudden burst of confidence. Usually music is involved. I guess it's just a momentary realization that my 'impossible dream' really has come true. Despite all of the issues I've had to deal with, I know transitioning was the right decision for me.

Love always -- Jessica Rose

Had to stop for this photo as I passed through Trinidad, CO, Saturday evening...

« on: August 23, 2022, 06:41:55 pm »
One of the most vivid rainbows I ever saw was about 15 years ago as we were passing through Trinidad. I should have stopped to take a photo then, but at the time I was a different person and I just wanted to get home. My memory of that rainbow has stayed with me. When I saw this awesome rainbow on my last trip through Trinidad, stopping was an easy decision. Sometimes we focus too much on our destination and forget to enjoy the journey. There are many things in life which will only happen once, so take the time to enjoy them.

My optometrist appointment went well. The assistant who performed the initial testing was really nice, with lots of 'Miss Jessica', 'yes ma'am', and 'sweetie' in the conversation. I was a bit uncomfortable telling her about ALL of the surgeries I've had, but her sweet southern demeanor didn't change at all.

The optometrist performed a standard eye exam. My right eye was good, but we never could find a lens setting which improved the vision in my left eye, apparently due to a rather fast-growing cataract. I am now waiting on an appointment for an ophthalmologist, and probably sometime in October I'll be having cataract surgery. I'm looking forward to seeing clearly again!

Love always -- Jessica Rose

« on: August 25, 2022, 04:07:44 pm »
Last week I sent a note to the person in charge of the voice therapy program I was interested in, which is part of the graduate program at the University of Arkansas Medical School. Yesterday I received a response, and they asked if I would be able to attend all 10 of the sessions. The sessions are weekly, 2 hours long, and are scheduled in the evenings. Since it doesn't conflict with my work schedule, or my occasional trips to Colorado Springs, I told them that I would be able to participate. I was a bit surprised by the brief response:

'Wonderful!!  Thank you!!'

The program description:
The TLC- Gender Affirming Communication Group:  The TLC group is for transgender and nonbinary (TGNB) people who want to seek help in modifying their voice and communication to better express their true gender. Clients will often have goals to raise or lower the pitch of their voice, change how they use pitch and loudness to communicate (intonation), change the resonance of their voice, and change their nonverbal communication (body language). Additionally, the clients are taught how to take care of their voice and use it safely. Each client is paired with a graduate student clinician, who will perform an initial voice assessment and then work with the client in setting their communication goals. The sessions are supervised by a certified Speech-Language Pathologist and a mentor from the trans community. The mentors are also a resource for clients to discuss issues related to being TGNB.

The sessions start in three weeks, with the first one being a 'meet and greet'. I am a bit apprehensive, but everyone there will most likely be people who want to be there. The response I received was also a positive sign. I'm hopeful they will be able to help.

Love always -- Jessica Rose

« on: August 29, 2022, 07:13:23 pm »
Before choosing where to move I researched areas of the state which may be more accepting, and areas where I could find appropriate medical care. The top two areas were NW AR (Fayetteville) and Central AR (Little Rock). NW AR is a good 5hr drive from my dad, while Little Rock is only about 3hrs. I also saw some good articles about UAMS and programs related to transgender care, and that tipped the balance.

Susan and I visited my dad over the weekend to celebrate his 91st birthday! We drove my dad to a local restaurant, where we met my brother and his wife. We had a great lunch, and my dad ordered his favorite -- coconut shrimp. Once we got back to his place he mentioned wanting some new music, specifically Merle Travis. I ordered digital copies online, then added the music to the flash drives he uses in his cars and at home. Susan and I then went back into town to do a little shopping. We picked up some hot sandwiches and took them back to my dad's house for dinner.

Dad's an early riser. By the time Susan and I were up Sunday morning, breakfast from McDonald's was waiting for us. After breakfast we went to the cemetery where my mom and brother rest, and my dad put some fresh flowers on their grave markers. After returning home we talked for several hours, then dad opened his gifts. After lunch Susan and I headed home. There are a few home repairs my dad needs some help with. Next time we visit I'll take a few tools so I can help him out.

My dad and I do have a good relationship, it's almost as though nothing has changed except my name. When I came out to my parents about five years ago, I was certain my dad would never want to see me again. Sometimes it's nice to be wrong.

Love always -- Jessica Rose

« on: September 08, 2022, 06:36:45 am »
I spent the weekend putting in a new flowerbed across the back of our house. I peeled up about 100sq feet of sod, added an underground downspout and emitter, and moved a sprinkler head. Anything related to digging can be tricky here because there is a lot of shale just a few inches below the surface. Despite living in Arkansas, the residential use of explosives is frowned upon, so landscaping usually requires a pickaxe in addition to a shovel. For now, the new flower bed just has two lantana bushes, but we plan to add some daylilies, iris, and maybe a trellis or two with some four o'clocks.

My local electrologist recently began taking appointments again. He had a family emergency several months ago and had stopped seeing clients. I saw him yesterday, and we caught up on each other's lives during the one-hour session. There were only a few dark hairs under my chin, but he found enough other hairs to stay busy for the entire session.

Next week I'll attend my first voice therapy session at UAMS, which will just be a 'meet and greet'.

Love always -- Jessica Rose

« on: September 09, 2022, 07:29:22 pm »
I finally did it. Today I got rid of my (bowling) balls. Although both of them were roughly the same size and color, one was a bit heavier than the other. I had them for decades, and I moved them across the country many times. Susan initially questioned my desire to get rid of them, but I had not used them for many years. They were engraved with my old name and were an unwanted reminder of my past. They had to go. Our local Goodwill accepted them, along with some clothes, toys, and electronics. Of course, I had to take one last photo of them...

Love always -- Jessica Rose

P.S. - Yes, I'm in an odd mood tonight.

Brunswick Pearls

« on: September 17, 2022, 07:05:44 am »
One of the most painful parts of transitioning is the loss of friends and relatives. It's difficult to know who will stay and who will go, and it rarely works out exactly the way we expect. If you want to know who your friends are, transitioning is a pretty good test.

I lost contact with most of my cousins nearly 40 years ago. Earlier this week I received a 'friend' request from a cousin I had not seen since 1984. She had found my mom's obituary and noticed that instead of the three sons she knew, it listed two sons and a daughter. She found me on a social media site. We talked for nearly an hour, and not once was my deadname mentioned. She mentioned that she knew it was me as soon as she saw my photo -- she recognized the twinkle in my eyes. She doesn't live that far away, and her in-laws are actually quite close. Hopefully we will be able to meet in person the next time they visit.

Speaking of visitors... We put hummingbird feeders in our front and back yards, which have proved to be quite popular. Although hummingbirds can be territorial, we've seen as many as five sitting on a single feeder. For some reason they like coming into our garage while I'm in there, but they seem to get confused by the windows. A few days ago, one hummingbird was so tired from trying to get out of our garage that it landed on my hand. I slowly walked it out into the open air, then it quickly flew away.

Love always -- Jessica Rose

« on: September 19, 2022, 01:06:21 pm »
Quote from: TXSara on September 18, 2022, 05:52:09 pm

QuoteAs time goes on, I'm finding this to be very true.  You definitely find out who your real friends are.  I'm starting to run into more disappointments after a pretty long run of optimism.  I guess it all evens out.

That is fantastic, Jessica!  I'm really glad to hear about this!  I'm sure it made your week!

~Sara

Sara, I have more friends now than I had before, so it worked out for the best.

My first voice therapy meeting went well. I met the person who directs the program, along with all of the student clinicians who will be guiding our lessons. My clinician, I'll call her 'M', had never knowingly met a transgender woman before. She seems really nice, and I expect both of us will learn a few things over the next few months.

I had my ophthalmologist appointment earlier today. Both of my eyes have cataracts, with the left eye currently being far worse. I will be having cataract surgery in early November, starting with my left eye. Once that heals, they will do the other. Hopefully once I've recovered I'll only need glasses for reading.

My dad called last night, apparently he had a TIA (transient ischemic attack). Although he's had them before, this one was worse than the others. He wasn't feeling any better this morning, so I contacted my sister-in-law (she lives close to my dad). The doctors are checking him out now. My dad is usually quite stubborn about getting medical care, but he was very willing today.

As if I didn't have enough going on, somehow I hurt my back yesterday morning. Standing is OK, walking can be uncomfortable, but sitting down requires planning. Leaning forward, bending down, or twisting to my right are currently off limits. It's slowly getting better, but it may take several days before I'm back to normal.

This morning my company sent out a note promoting our National Coming Out Day event on 11 Oct. The note has a link to a promotional video, which includes parts of my NCOD presentation back in 2018. That was one of the most amazing experiences of my life.

Love always -- Jessica Rose

« on: September 23, 2022, 03:51:02 pm »
I was in Home Depot earlier today. A man I had never met walked over and said:

'I hope I'm not bothering you, but I wanted to tell you that you're beautiful.'

I thanked him, and a few minutes after he left I nearly started to cry. It's been nearly five years since I became 'Jessica', and I still can't believe how far I have come in such a short time. Five years sounds like a very long time, but looking back it seems like yesterday, or a lifetime.

Love always -- Jessica Rose

« on: October 06, 2022, 07:03:34 pm »
My weekend trip to Colorado Springs went well. The weather was nice and there were minimal road delays. I arrived in town Friday afternoon and spent three hours with my electrologist. After our session, I checked into my hotel before meeting some friends for supper at Old Chicago -- I had a craving for pizza! I got back to the hotel around 9:30pm, took a shower, then went to bed.

On Saturday I had a little time to kill before my next electrolysis session, so I visited the local Ross and found a top and a nice skirt. Once I got the call from Kris, I headed over to her office. After a few hours we took a break to meet our friend Brenda at the Garden of the Gods Market for lunch. I had a salmon sandwich and some awesome french fries! Once we got back to her office, Kris worked on my arms and hands. We are definitely making progress. Counting Friday afternoon, it only took seven hours to treat all of the areas she normally works on -- which is basically every place except my palms and the soles of my feet! I have very few dark hairs remaining, and the vast majority of what Kris treats would be considered long peach fuzz.

The voice therapy sessions are going well, just a bit slowly. Like everything else, I know it takes time and patience. So far, we have been working on warm-up exercises and doing a few frequency checks to see where I'm at -- about 180hz.

I do have some troubling news though. A few weeks ago my dad had a TIA (Transient Ischemic Attack), which he seemed to recover from quickly. Unfortunately, he had another one Wednesday evening which affected his speech. Luckily a neighbor convinced him to go to the hospital. They performed an MRI today, but we haven't heard the results yet. He seems to be doing well, and his speech is almost back to normal. We plan to visit this weekend.

Today I was asked to talk at our company's National Coming Out Day event on 11 Oct. That day will mark five years since I came out to my manager -- it seems like a lifetime ago. I'm not one of the primary speakers this year, more of a warm-up act for the folks at our Colorado site. I don't mind helping out whenever I can.

Love always -- Jessica Rose

« on: October 10, 2022, 10:07:30 am »
There are many beautiful areas around Colorado Springs, unfortunately my visits are usually too brief to enjoy them. I plan to extend my visits a little next year so I will have more time to relax.

Susan and I visited my dad over the weekend. He had a health scare earlier in the week, but he seems to have recovered quickly. We arrived in time to take my dad out to lunch, along with my brother and his wife. When we got back to my dad's house, I replaced a rain gutter which had been damaged several months ago. Once that job was done, Susan and I went into town for a little shopping. On the way back, we picked up supper from McAlister's Deli.

Sunday morning we added a small solar panel to help recharge a solar floodlight. The floodlight was on a light pole along my dad's driveway, but it was being shaded by some tall trees. I thought adding another small solar panel would provide enough extra power to keep it sufficiently charged. Next, we took my dad out to visit the cemetery, where my mom and a brother rest. After lunch at my dad's house, Susan and I headed home.

My dad has always been frugal, sometimes a bit too frugal. We noticed the toilet paper at his house seems a bit rough. We think he may get it at a local hardware store, the label says it's '200 grit'.

Love always -- Jessica Rose


P.S. - I forgot to mention something else... While we were sitting around the table talking, my dad said he noticed that I now had much more patience while working on projects. The constant anger I used to have caused me to get frustrated quite easily. Now that my anger is gone, my patience has grown significantly. The fact that he noticed says a lot.

« on: October 11, 2022, 05:38:57 pm »
I participated in a small part of our company's National Coming Out Day event today. The Colorado arm of our LGBT+ ERG (employee resource group) asked me to talk about what it felt like when I came out. It wasn't a coincidence that I chose this day five years ago to come out to my manager. I even posted about it here:

https://www.susans.org/index.php/topic,229369.msg2036456.html#msg2036456

I used parts of that post for today's event. I thought I would only have a few minutes. There were over 80 people in the Colorado meeting, but only one other person wanted to share their experience. As a result, I probably talked for 15 minutes or so before we joined the corporate NCOD event. Several people admitted that my story brought them to tears. Even though it happened so long ago, it made me a little emotional as well.

Since I was going to have my camera on during the meeting, I decided to dress up a bit and wear a little makeup. I then decided I may as well take a few new photos too. When I wear things like this and look in the mirror, I still can't believe that's me. I can safely say that as a teen, never in a million years did I think I would eventually look like this...

Love always -- Jessica Rose

 

Thank you for helping to revive Susan's Place. How marvelous that you could restore your posts here! Your story and the way that you tell it has been inspiring my sweetheart and me.