Had my appointment with the VA's mental health specialist. She was very nice. Not what I expected in terms of talking with a therapist. Definitely not like talking with my therapist I pay for out of pocket.

It was much more knowledge/informational based than talking about what I've been feeling and going through. More about how the VA operates and what the normal process is for the care I might need or want in the future.

That being said it was very informative. At the end of the meeting she did say that she will be putting in a consultation with endocrinology more or less for education/informational purposes but has given her approval for me to start hormone treatment if and when I want to.

So that's good news.

But right now I'm in a depressed state and self doubting myself and what direction I want/need to go.

Quote from: Robbyv213 on September 12, 2024, 02:50:33 PMSo that's good news.

But right now I'm in a depressed state and self doubting myself and what direction I want/need to go.

That is good news.

It's just more tools in your toolbox if you need them.

Never doubt yourself. YOU know deep inside what you want to happen for YOU. That's the easy part. The hard part is deciding how you want to make that happen.

You are stronger than you think. Remember the military obstacle courses and how you would think there is no way you could do that! But you did. I remember thinking they wanted me to RUN for two miles in less than 20 minutes. No way. But we did it.

Hang tough. You got this.

Hugs!

@Lori Dee thanks. Right now my doubt and depression always comes from either trying to figure out how to make everyone happy ( as in my wife and what she wants and me and what I want), and then also from not believing I would make a passable woman in the future.

I know passing is not everything, but I'd like to if it were possible for me. But I feel I'd need a lot of surgery to make that happen, and unfortunately I'm not the only one that has medical needs in the family. So Im.more than likely to put my own needs on the back burner so that my families care can be taken care of, which means less chance of having or getting money for cosmetic surgeries like ffs, top and or bottom surgery.

I feel I can make a decent looking guy, I feel I'd make a pretty ugly woman. Lol. And I have been considering very seriously about giving up on all this, and just live the life everyone expects me to live, and hopefully I'll have a heart attack or something that would end my life sooner than later, and having to life a longer life being super depressed and just existing and not living. I don't know. I'm very tempted to go back to living life the way I used to and starting back on testosterone until my body and organs fail from using it.

Quote from: Robbyv213 on September 12, 2024, 05:59:57 PM@Lori Dee thanks. Right now my doubt and depression always comes from either trying to figure out how to make everyone happy ( as in my wife and what she wants and me and what I want), and then also from not believing I would make a passable woman in the future.

I know passing is not everything, but I'd like to if it were possible for me. But I feel I'd need a lot of surgery to make that happen, and unfortunately I'm not the only one that has medical needs in the family. So Im.more than likely to put my own needs on the back burner so that my families care can be taken care of, which means less chance of having or getting money for cosmetic surgeries like ffs, top and or bottom surgery.

I feel I can make a decent looking guy, I feel I'd make a pretty ugly woman. Lol. And I have been considering very seriously about giving up on all this, and just live the life everyone expects me to live, and hopefully I'll have a heart attack or something that would end my life sooner than later, and having to life a longer life being super depressed and just existing and not living. I don't know. I'm very tempted to go back to living life the way I used to and starting back on testosterone until my body and organs fail from using it.

Do not give up on your dreams and goals.  There may be a way for everything to work out, even better than you expected.  If that is your hair in your avatar, you have a lot to work with for feminine styling.

@ChrissyRyan

unfortunately no that is just a wig. My hair has ran away from my face and the back in pretty thin. The only hair cut that looks good on me is a high skin fad, which hides how thin my hair is back there. Unfortunately I can't do anything about how it has receeded.

I understand your thinking. But you and I both know that isn't a healthy way to look at it.

I had similar thoughts when trying to decide if I should divorce my wife. (Pre-transition and unrelated). But I tried to think of a way to make it work so she would be happy, so her friends and family would be happy. Then I realized that I was excluding myself from the whole equation. You cannot live your life for others. It is YOUR life and no one is going to live it for you.

If you are in a situation that is so miserable that you would rather just end it, intentionally or accidentally, something is very wrong with that picture. You can't think that way. Your number one priority in this life is to survive. Your second priority is to live your life well. You can't do that if you are miserable. You deserve to be happy as much as anyone else in your life. You need to remember that you are not responsible for keeping others happy.

I know you are the kind of gal who is willing to put your life on hold and even sacrifice it so others can live as they wish to. Is it fair that others are not willing to sacrifice their situation so you can be happy? If you are feeling miserable, how good of a partner can you be? If your partner is not allowing you to be happy, to be the best person you can be, what does that say about them?

You need to do some serious thinking about how to put yourself first. Think about it. if you go forward living your life as you choose to live it, do you really want or need unsupportive people around you? No. No one needs that kind of negativity in their life. Surround yourself with positive, supportive people.

One of the hardest decisions I made was telling my wife that she had two choices. She could come with me and we could work on being equal partners in our marriage, or stay behind without me. She chose to stay. I know what her reasons were and if I stayed, it would be like two strangers sharing a house. Or I could move on, put it behind me, and work on getting my own life together.

It hurt. A LOT. The fact that someone I loved and supported for over 15 years turned out not to love and support me in the same way. I cut my losses and never looked back. I have made new friends and shaped a new life for myself. For the first time in my life, I am truly happy.

I want that for you. I want you to see that there is a better life waiting for you. As @imallie says, "Everything you want is on the other side of fear." The problem is that it doesn't matter what I want or what anyone else wants. You need to want it enough for yourself to reach out and take it. It's like ripping off a bandage. It stings like hell at first, but you will quickly heal.

See yourself as you truly are. Not the wide shoulders and big muscles. That isn't you. See the you that is inside all of that. Then be true to that person first. If you can't be true to yourself, you can't be true to anyone else. Work on you first.

Sorry, I didn't mean to rant at you but I worry about you. I truly care what happens and wish I could help you through this. If I was nearby, I would be knocking on your door right now. Please take some time and think this through.

Hugs!

Lori Dee

Thanks @Lori Dee

I have my appointment set for endocrinology Oct 11th.

Quote from: Robbyv213 on September 19, 2024, 04:26:08 PMThanks @Lori Dee

I have my appointment set for endocrinology Oct 11th.

That's good news. That will get you started. Things will kind of smooth out from there. Meaning it isn't so long between appointments at first. Then as you get hormones and things stabilized, they will space out your appointments further apart.

It's all good.

Hugs!

Quote from: Robbyv213 on September 19, 2024, 04:26:08 PMThanks @Lori Dee

I have my appointment set for endocrinology Oct 11th.

That day may seem a ways off but the day will arrive soon.

Chrissy

I feel my wife might be getting more open to talking about me being trans. We somehow got to talking about trans issues in sports, public areas, moral ethics in medicine etc. I'm not sure if it's good or bad. She has the stance most cis people do, while I got to defend and make my case to defend it.

I didn't get heated or turn into an argument so I guess that's a plus.

There were so many times this past weekend that I wanted to talk to her about what I'm dealing with and whats going on. But once again I couldn't bring myself to do it just yet.

We're going on an camping trip this weekend. I was thinking about bring it up then since we will have excess time on our hands to talk.

Do you think I should bring it up and tell her how ive been feeling and what I've been dealing with on our trip or should I wait, and not potentially ruin our trip by bringing up an uncomfortable conversation?

Quote from: Robbyv213 on September 23, 2024, 11:02:38 AMI feel my wife might be getting more open to talking about me being trans. We somehow got to talking about trans issues in sports, public areas, moral ethics in medicine etc. I'm not sure if it's good or bad. She has the stance most cis people do, while I got to defend and make my case to defend it.

I didn't get heated or turn into an argument so I guess that's a plus.

There were so many times this past weekend that I wanted to talk to her about what I'm dealing with and whats going on. But once again I couldn't bring myself to do it just yet.

We're going on an camping trip this weekend. I was thinking about bring it up then since we will have excess time on our hands to talk.

Do you think I should bring it up and tell her how ive been feeling and what I've been dealing with on our trip or should I wait, and not potentially ruin our trip by bringing up an uncomfortable conversation?

I think it is a very good sign that she is willing to discuss the issues. It gave her a chance to present her point of view without accusing you, and you had a chance to present your point of view without accusing her. It remained a calm discussion without any finger-pointing.

That might be a way to broach the subject with her. You are not necessarily talking about yourself which might make her uncomfortable. But in the course of the discussion, you might add something like "Well the way I feel about..." and see if she wants to shift the discussion to you or not.

DO NOT FORCE IT. You don't want to ruin a camping trip. You both could be miserable and that is no fun. But I do agree that the opportunity for talks would be good. Just go easy and let her discuss to the extent she is comfortable. If the conversation starts going sideways, drop it.

Just my humble opinion. 

So just for ->-bleeped-<-s and giggles I called up the Meltzer clinic to inquire about an initial consultation, just to speak with the surgeon and see what they recommend, since I know most good surgeons are booked out way in advance. Turns out out of pocket cost is 100 non refundable paid at the time of scheduling, the initial consultation at the earliest is Aug of 2025, and if a surgery was approved to move forward, the surgery itself would be sometime in 2026. So almost a two year wait from scheduling an initial consultation to actual surgery.

Talk about depressing. Lol. Granted I'm in no place to have any surgeries yet. Not even close. I figured if I start hormones in oct-dec I will have been transitioning for anywhere from 8-11 months before the initial consultation, so hopefully hormones will have had time to change and soften my facial features so maybe less surgery would be needed than everything they offer for ffs. And by the actual time of the surgery I would have been transitioning and on hormones for roughly two years. So by then I would hope I met all the criteria for the wpath standards of care.

But I did schedule anything yet. I just figured it would be good idea to get a jump on things if most surgeons are a year or more booked out in advanced. I really just wanted to see what an expert would suggest based on my features. Just so I could have a game plan For the future.

Unfortunately I know this is the norm for this sort of thing. Makes me feel like I need to get a better job and better insurance, or start playing the lottery. Lol

Quote from: Robbyv213 on September 25, 2024, 06:02:23 PMSo just for ->-bleeped-<-s and giggles I called up the Meltzer clinic to inquire about an initial consultation, just to speak with the surgeon and see what they recommend, since I know most good surgeons are booked out way in advance. Turns out out of pocket cost is 100 non refundable paid at the time of scheduling, the initial consultation at the earliest is Aug of 2025, and if a surgery was approved to move forward, the surgery itself would be sometime in 2026. So almost a two year wait from scheduling an initial consultation to actual surgery.

Talk about depressing. Lol. Granted I'm in no place to have any surgeries yet. Not even close. I figured if I start hormones in oct-dec I will have been transitioning for anywhere from 8-11 months before the initial consultation, so hopefully hormones will have had time to change and soften my facial features so maybe less surgery would be needed than everything they offer for ffs. And by the actual time of the surgery I would have been transitioning and on hormones for roughly two years. So by then I would hope I met all the criteria for the wpath standards of care.

But I did schedule anything yet. I just figured it would be good idea to get a jump on things if most surgeons are a year or more booked out in advanced. I really just wanted to see what an expert would suggest based on my features. Just so I could have a game plan For the future.

Unfortunately I know this is the norm for this sort of thing. Makes me feel like I need to get a better job and better insurance, or start playing the lottery. Lol

If Harris gets in, we might be able to convince her to get the VA to take care of veterans like they promised eight years ago. Get out and vote. 

Weekend camping trip went well. Thursday night after work we packed up and went to Flagstaff AZ to spend the night. Woke up early Friday morning and drove to page az, and did a kayaking and hiking tour of lake Powell and lower antelope canyon. Then we got food and headed to lone rock area of lake Powell and set up camp for the night. Saturday morning we were able to sleep in a bit longer than Friday. Sat afternoon we had the official tour of lower antelope canyon. Once that was done we headed back to lone rock and set up camp again this time we were able to drive and set up our roof camp off our jeep right at the waters edge on the beach. We enjoyed the rest of our time just relaxing at the beach. Sunday we woke up and relaxed slowly breaking down camp. Hit the road around 1230-1pm finally got back home around 630pm and unloaded the car, cleaned up and got ready for work as much as we could.

Busy busy weekend, but def worth it. Antelope canyon is so beautiful. If you ever get the chance to go I def recommend it.

We did not have any conversation about any trans topics and or my gender dysphoria. Just a regular weekend we both enjoyed.

I did try to be present as much as I could but I found her asking me a few times if I was ok. I guess I'm off in lala land thinking, and trying to cope, all while trying to to play the role she expects of me.

Glad you had a good time. It sounds like a fun trip.

You got a chance to bring up some things and she asked if you are ok. That is a sign of progress. She might just come around yet. Hopefully, as time passes, she will be more comfortable discussing things further. Fingers crossed.

All in all it was very nice. I wish I was able to be more present and not let all this distract me and affect our relationship, intimacy and connection.

There were quite a few times where there was a lot of silence between us. And silence doesn't mean bad. I know I am not the out door adventurous type like her girl friends that she usually does these trips with. She def keeps me wild and adventurous and I keep her safe, and that's all I could think about is will she still view me that way once I transition assuming our marriage survives it.

I'd want nothing more to be her adventure girlfriend in all senses, I'd want nothing more to be with her as a woman. I'm just not sure if they will ever play out since she has said before that she is not physically attracted to women.

Which sucks bc that's all I could think about is that these moments won't ever happen again once I transition, not as us as a couple going camping and seeing all these bucket list places together.

We did have a great trip, I feel it could have been better if I was more mentally present. But it was a good as it could have been I guess.

Quote from: Robbyv213 on September 30, 2024, 12:42:43 PMI'd want nothing more to be with her as a woman. I'm just not sure if they will ever play out since she has said before that she is not physically attracted to women.

As an asexual, I can tell you that there is more to a relationship than sex. The companionship and emotional bond are far superior to a romp in the hay (in my opinion). There are still options that the two of you can explore in the bedroom too. She is still adjusting to the news. Maybe as she sees that you are still the same person, the companionship and emotional bond can grow into more physical aspects. It takes time. Read some of the stories over on the Significant Others forum and you will see what I mean.

Quote from: Lori Dee on September 30, 2024, 01:27:14 PMI'd want nothing more to be with her as a woman. I'm just not sure if they will ever play out since she has said before that she is not physically attracted to women.

My heart goes out to you. I guess most couples get into this situation when their relationship is well established and one is trans. I've just blogged about how we got through it, but though SRS wasn't in the frame, the mechanics of our relationship were the same, right down to there being a teen involved.

Some things I learned that might be of help are:

1. I'd spent years working out my gender dysphoria in my head and had been in some dark places thanks to it, but only presented it to my partner when I had it more or less worked out, so... I didn't have it in me to blame her for taking at least as long as I did to get it straight in her head too.

2. My coping strategy of not telling her at the beginning of the relationship was my mistake and so the consequences were on me. That didn't preclude me from going ahead with my own wishes if they didn't match hers, but I had to understand if she walked away, because when all was said and done I hadn't been honest.

3. Things got better after I stopped hiding my clothes and we'd had the, 'We both know I do this, hiding from each other isn't helping' conversation. That led to the first budgetary talk about  'How much is it okay for me to spend on this?' which was a big step forward.

4. Once that conversation happened, trans became a legal topic of conversation. I could sit down and explain (as well as I could) what my gender dysphoria feels like and what eases it and she began to see a role for herself there. Before she had felt shut out. Now she had an in.

5. The 'but I'm not attracted to women' thing is a fair point of hers so it might be a good idea to talk about what you both value most in your relationship with sex outright banned as a topic until you have explored all the common ground. There will be more of that than either of you think - that's the stuff that keeps you together. The sex is like 30 minutes three times a week if you are an average established couple, what about the other 99.9% of your time? You didn't get together just to have sex, right?

6. The more you talk, the easier the talking will become. The easier the talking becomes, the more familiar she becomes with what trans means and the more she's likely to realise that she's lived a long time with a key part of you that isn't going to change - the essence of who you are. It may not pan out that she becomes accepting of SRS, but at least you'll never be left in any doubt you both gave it your best shot.

7. Don't forget your teen.

My appointment with endocrinology is about a week away. Is there any questions that I can ask that would tell me if the Dr is experienced in gender affirming hormone therapy vs just chasing numbers from lab results?

Obviously I will ask all questions I personally have, but wanted to know if there was anything else I should ask to determine their experience level. Thanks