Hi everyone. I was just pondering this and I think it's very interesting. I think that even if you detransitioned you couldn't really undo "coming out" to someone as transgender.

I imagine there may be people who disagree with me but do you think you can really "go back" in terms of transition?

Quote from: CosmicJoke on November 19, 2024, 07:30:20 PMHi everyone. I was just pondering this and I think it's very interesting. I think that even if you detransitioned you couldn't really undo "coming out" to someone as transgender.

I imagine there may be people who disagree with me but do you think you can really "go back" in terms of transition?

I spent a lot of time pondering this before I pulled the trigger. I wondered what if I transition, am out about who I am, and then some test comes along and proves I was wrong. What if my four psychologists misdiagnosed me? How do you recover from something like that?

I got my answer in therapy. My psychologist told me that this is the reason for therapy, then the diagnosis, then hormones on a trial basis, and then on to establish gender-appropriate levels. The process is intentionally slow and steady to provide plenty of time to decide that this is not the right thing for me. At every step, someone was always asking if I wanted to continue. They warned me that many changes would be permanent, then again with "Are you sure?" and of course, it is all documented in the medical records so that there is no one to blame.

So when I hear about someone deciding to de-transition, I feel bad because they must be under a tremendous amount of pressure to go through transition and then feel they made a mistake and need to go back. That is so sad, but everyone must live their own lives. We have no right to judge their decisions because we cannot know all of the details of their situation.

For myself, there is no going back. I know how miserable I was and I refuse to become that person ever again.

@CosmicJoke
I would imagine that some have "gone back"....
....but for me, as far as I have come in my
own personal transition journey, and the time, money, and personal
sacrifice that I committed to the task... "there is no going back".
I am pleased with where I am and who I am today.
Danielle [Northern Star Girl]

Quote from: CosmicJoke on November 19, 2024, 07:30:20 PMHi everyone. I was just pondering this and I think it's very interesting. I think that even if you detransitioned you couldn't really undo "coming out" to someone as transgender.

I imagine there may be people who disagree with me but do you think you can really "go back" in terms of transition?

I agree with Lori.  Unlike her I am early in my journey, but I don't see myself going back to an act that made me very unhappy.  I do believe in turning around when you find yourself on the wrong road.  I  believe in my heart that all true friends understand and will assist a person with returning to a previous life. Some credibility could be lost with some but finding yourself and taking your road is the best feeling. And, feeling good within is my best place to be. That's my opinion.

Hugs,
Leigh

I guess people think they 'transition' and 'become someone else', but I made big effort to everyone I came out to that I would always be the same person they always knew, just my appearance would be a little different. A lot of people struggled to get their heads around this, but after a couple of years later, they realised what I was saying.

I went through a traditional transition to reduce my dysphoria, and the reduction was so significant after my GRS, I briefly considered de transitioning, purely to ease the stress I was putting my loved ones through, but I realised that to do this would only confuse them and stress them even more. It's the initial impact of coming out that matters to people and they will never forget it. They will realise that you are still the same person inside, and they will get used to who you are.

Hugs,

Allie 

I think that one can detransition and that would be very hard to do.
The stress would be enormous but there would be a driving force that compels reverting in some cases.  I doubt many would do it after having gender conforming surgeries

Hence it is better to be very sure about transitioning before transitioning.

Could I revert?  Yes.  Do I wish to at this time?  No.

I suppose that social reasons would be a major cause of detransitioning but realizing a mistake in transitioning was made or that transitioning caused hardships one did not want to endure would be other reasons.

Chrissy

Of course, there isn't. The genie's out of the bottle. I've always been here, there is no going back.

You can't un-write history.  So if a person detransitions, they will forever be remembered as having once transitioned.  If that is what they have to do, more power to them.  But I think you would have to be even more certain of your decision to detransition than of the initial decision to transition.

I mapped out my path before I took the first step.  It took a long time: 62 @#$% years!  I don't recommend taking that long, but it did mean I knew what I wanted.  I was 100% certain that I needed to transition before I told anyone of my intentions.

I can't imagine the agony that would make a person detransition.

No, there is not really any "going back". Even if you never transition at all, just simply acknowledging that you experience gender dysphoria takes you down a one way street. Nobody ever views you the same. Once that cat is out of the bag, there is no putting it back in.

I agree. Once you have come out, who ever you told will never view you the same. You would almost have to move and start over in a new life with all new people to have a fresh clean slat that no one knows you ever came out (which is an extreme example).

If you don't, those people will always think in the back of their heads that you once came out, and might view your judgement not as high as they may have before. I feel there would always be that lingering thought.

Like even for me if I say hey I'm not trans I was just experimenting to try and find myself out see who I really am I'm sure my wife would go along with it but she would also wonder whether or not I was being 100% honest she would always wonder and think if I'm being truthful and that I'm really not trans and I'm going to live life as we did all this time before or if she thinks it's just the time bomb to wear it'll all come back to the surface. Which will only cause her even more stress just waiting and limbo thinking that one day all of a sudden she's going to have to go through everything she already did with me and then even more.

So yeah I feel once the cat is out of the bag you can't change that and people will always remember that you came out doesn't necessarily mean it's a bad thing but it's part of your history with those relationships you have with those people.

I feel nowadays it seems like there aren't as many checkpoints along the way in transition that as long as it's informed consent and you sign the box and say yes I understand you can transition it's like not how it used to be from what I hear. Like Lori d said she had to jump through so many hoops in order to transition and it was a lengthy process for me it wasn't at all. I had one appointment with the va's mental health specialist next thing you knew it a month later I had my appointment with my endocrinologist left with hormones the same day. Granted I was paying out of pocket on my own to see my own therapist and whatnot and I've been struggling with all these thoughts and feelings since childhood so if it hasn't gone away for as long as I've been alive obviously there's something there that needs to be explored and figured out. But I honestly feel that it has been made extremely easy to transition as long as you're over the age of 18 in the United States, which is why I feel there have been so many detransitioners as well in the recent past. Not trying to offend anybody or come off mean or rude that's just my observation and me trying to connect the dots from my observation.

No there is no going back. Even with something as small as my voice, I don't think I could speak the way I spoke before even if I tried. Like voice therapy so altered my old vocal patterns that I could never fully recreate them. Yes I can speak at a lower register, but voice is so much more than that.

Anywho, I was contemplating that the other day, and I really don't think I could change back even my voice, and I know the things I have had surgically modified will thankfully never be as they originally were.

Probably it would be extremely hard to detransition.  It likely gets much harder the longer you have been transitioning.  The more you socially transition and medically transition (pharmaceuticals and surgeries), and the extent of your legal paperwork changes, the harder it becomes.  Then there is the people you came out to.

I suppose some may ask, "Is there a trial period where you can explore your gender and go back to the prior gender if you so desire?"  Well, maybe, and that time period would vary for each individual because each person's transition differs.  Read all the posts already made to see more viewpoints.  It has got to be easier the less you have been transitioning and with the relative ease of being able to transition nowadays compared to more strict controls of the past.  Perhaps those controls made sense although they were often not appreciated, maybe often thought of as roadblocks, barriers, and inhibitors.

Chrissy

Hi Everyone

CosmicJoke posed a couple of questions with the following and I quote:

Quote from: CosmicJoke on November 19, 2024, 07:30:20 PMHi everyone. I was just pondering this and I think it's very interesting. I think that even if you detransitioned you couldn't really undo "coming out" to someone as transgender.

I imagine there may be people who disagree with me but do you think you can really "go back" in terms of transition?

Short answers are, "No you cannot undo the 'coming out', in other words once the genie is out of the bottle you cannot put it back into the bottle" and "Yes, you can go back in terms of transition, however this depends on the type of surgery you have and I'm talking about irreversible surgery, for example hysterectomy and penectomy.

Long answers from my perspective.

There is no real long answer to the first part of the question,  There are a couple of departments that know about me, Immigration and Tax departments.  So they will never forget. Then there are the family and associated friends that do know, this in itself will not change.

Finally the records of the old 'doctors' have been destroyed as there is a practice of destroying records after about 7 years. However, some newer doctors have a record about me.   So what does this all mean?  Again the answer is No you cannot undo the 'coming out'.

Robby best describes it best, can you put the Genie back in the bottle, so I suggest you read her post.

In the case of 'do I think I can really go back? Absolutely, categorically No, I never will.  In my particular case, I never pondered this aspect, except for two very brief moments totalling less than 5 minutes approximately and my two psychiatrists, never asked me, "have I considered detransitioning?".

Why?  Maybe my psychiatrists did not know about detransition maybe they did, I just don't know.  Maybe they thought why bother asking her, when all they ever saw was a female functioning like any other female in society, who was working from day one.

Maybe my first psychiatrist told my second psychiatrist all about me, after I asked for a second psychiatrist's evaluation of me.  The second psychiatrist gave me my first surgery letter and when I went back and saw my first psychiatrist, I asked him for my second letter and I was prepared at that point to ditch him to find one who would give me that second one.  If he said, No.

However, he said yes, you have your second one and I then asked can I have the surgery now and he said no, I was 15 months into changing my life around.  The reason being I had to live for the required two years as a female.  I just wanted the surgery. 

Thinking about this at the time and I have not mentioned this before.  I wanted the surgery so bad and I was upset, miffed and a little sad in my disposition at the time.  So even at this time there would have been no doubt in my mind that I would even considered detransitioning. 

Fifteen odd years ago I wrote the following, in regards to this issue I made the following post and you can click on the following link First Mention to see that post.

Quote from: Sarah B on August 26, 2010, 06:00:28 AMOver my dead body would I ever detransition.  However, thinking about being a male, thinking about what I once had, makes me feel sick to the core and I would rather die than become a man.

and

Quote from: Sarah B on January 24, 2024, 10:02:00 PM. . . .

OK to be brutally honest there were two instances where I paused and considered what I was doing with my life, one was the consideration of de-transitioning. However, that was never going to fly in the face of it.  Why? I was standing in the middle of George Street, Sydney and I was thinking about others, that were considering reversing what they were doing and I thought what I had to do to achieve this, breast removal was one of the thoughts racing through my mind at the time. 

However, thinking about this, 30 seconds at most or a very short period of time, a sickening feeling came over me and I immediately and emphatically said no to myself about this.   There was no chance in hell, I was ever going back to the way that I lived and to this day thinking about how I lived makes me sick to the stomach, in other words it makes me very nauseous.

The other time where I considered the ramifications of what I was doing and possibly could of ended up not going ahead with the surgery, was on the day of my surgery. My friend at the time was driving my car and we arrived at the hospital and I sat there thinking about what lay ahead and realized that if I went ahead there was no turning back, but I only dwelt on these thoughts only for about a minute or so.

Actually my mind was basically blank at the time.  I already knew with out fear, what I was going to do, I did not know what the future was going to hold for me, not that I thought about that at the time, so I got out of the car and walked into the hospital and as they say, the rest is history. . . . .

You can click on the following link Second Mention to see that post.

There is something I have not really mentioned in regards to this issue before and that is; "If I have the operation and later on I decide it was the worst thing I ever did".  I said to myself;  "then I will bear the consequences of my actions", in other words, I was responsible for going down the surgery route and nobody else".

Like Lori says and I quote:

Quote from: Lori Dee on November 19, 2024, 09:39:40 PMSo when I hear about someone deciding to de-transition, I feel bad because they must be under a tremendous amount of pressure to go through transition and then feel they made a mistake and need to go back. That is so sad, but everyone must live their own lives. We have no right to judge their decisions because we cannot know all of the details of their situation.

Regardless of the pressure and their circumstances "we cannot know all of the details of their situation", and yes it is sad.  One must remember the number who do detransition is very small indeed.

As Nadine says; "No there is no going back" even for me, ever.  It has been nearly 36 years, more than half my life.  So why would I?

Thank you everyone for your perspective and insights it was really appreciated.

Best Wishes Always
Sarah B
Global Moderator
@CosmicJoke @Lori Dee @Northern Star Girl @MsLeigh @Allie Jayne @ChrissyRyan @darilee
@KathyLauren @BlueJaye @Robbyv213 @Nadine Spirit

I would think detransitioning is possible as long as you did it early. I remember starting HRT and being told if you don't like the way if makes you feel than we can stop it. Of course after a lifetime of hiding, E made me happy and giddy to finally be doing it. Telling family and friends was another huge load off my back as I no longer had to hide. Sure there were the moments of, "what the heck am I doing?" But I always looked back at how miserable I was before and they were quickly gone.
My answer to the question is, If you are trans, there is no going back! Not that you can't but won't want to.

Quote from: Robbyv213 on November 20, 2024, 01:29:28 PMI honestly feel that it has been made extremely easy to transition as long as you're over the age of 18

I've heard of a couple cases that did it even before 18. Jazz Jennings and Kim Petras are two examples.

I know Jazz Jennings did have alot of complications with bottom surgery however.

Quote from: CosmicJoke on November 19, 2024, 07:30:20 PMHi everyone. I was just pondering this and I think it's very interesting. I think that even if you detransitioned you couldn't really undo "coming out" to someone as transgender.

I imagine there may be people who disagree with me but do you think you can really "go back" in terms of transition?

You can never go back. You can only ever go a different kind of forward.

Hi Everyone

Quote from: Sephirah on November 21, 2024, 02:01:32 PMYou can never go back. You can only ever go a different kind of forward.

This a thousand times this.

Best Wishes Always
Sarah B
Global Moderator

Even if you could somehow "go back," why would you want to?  When I decided to transition, it felt like being let out of a dungeon cell, and as I continued down that path, it only got better.  I can't even conceive of choosing to put myself back in that cell -- and it would be worse now, because I'd know how much better life can be.

As I said once in a speech I gave, "if they kill me, they kill me, but I won't go back into hiding."

Quote from: Sephirah on November 21, 2024, 02:01:32 PMYou can never go back. You can only ever go a different kind of forward.

This is a profound statement Sephirah.

I still say that it is possible to go back but I just can't see it for almost all of us who have been transitioning for a significant amount of time.

Chrissy

Quote from: ChrissyRyan on November 22, 2024, 08:39:48 PMThis is a profound statement Sephirah.

I still say that it is possible to go back but I just can't see it for almost all of us who have been transitioning for a significant amount of time.

Chrissy

I don't really agree because time and people don't work that way. Whatever you do... whatever choices you make every second ticks on. Going back, in this case isn't going back. It's moving forward based on how you feel. How people around you feel.

It doesn't matter how long you've been transitioning. Whatever your physical experience. Just being in that place where you know you don't feel right is a massive catalyst. If you feel transition isn't for you, and you're happier being how you were... that's okay. But once you let the cat out of the bag, you can never put it back in. You have to deal with that, as much as you have to deal with letting it play all over your metaphorical keyboard.

You can't make people un-know things. And when it comes to yourself... that's a thousand times harder to do. Instead of thinking in terms of trying to undo the past, we all need to look at shaping the future. No, I know what you're saying, Chrissy, but going back is not going back. It's going forward with the knowledge and experience you've gained in the process. The moment you take a step on this journey... you keep walking. Whatever that leads to.

There is no rewind function on life.