I've been in close contact with myself as a female as far back as I can remember. I was accepted by all of the other girls my age, which resulted in my becoming socialized as female well into my teen years. Without going into all of the messy details, this had the unfortunate effect of my not gaining the social skills needed to fit into society as a male. I was unable to get help for myself in 1970, and I never married because I was never able to maintain a relationship with a woman for more than a few weeks. Either the relationship would end when the woman just felt that I was "very different," or else the sexual part would end in disaster. Several women actually came out and said that being in bed with me was like being in bed with another woman. Being "read" by another woman in bed was one of the most damaging and painful experiences that I've had.
As a little girl, I wanted to grow up and be a mommy. As an adult, I wanted to stop being April, and I wanted to fit in as a male, marry, and have a typical male life. I have nothing but the greatest of respect and admiration for all of the people on this site, and elsewhere, who faced the same challenges that I did, and were able to make things work. People who were able to make their lives work. I tried, but never could. The absolute self acceptance that I have in myself as a woman may be of great benefit to me now, as I transition, but it contributed to a very unfulfilled, isolated and lonely life. I may have some very worthy accomplishments to be proud of, but my failures are always in the back of my mind. No, I could not be a mommy, but I very much wanted to marry and with that, I never had a chance.
