Quote from: Michelle_K on May 25, 2025, 10:04:40 PMI may have another problem though. With about a hours drive I will need to use the restroom, and I have never been in that building before. Being it is the courthouse there may be officers wandering around. Minnesota allows me to use the women's restroom as I wear women's clothes, and my driver's license now has a F on it.

I wouldn't expect any problems. I have done security work in several courthouses in different states. Usually, the bailiffs stay close to the courtrooms, and the sheriff's deputies man the metal detectors at the entrance. There usually is not a bunch of them patrolling the halls or administration offices.

You are dressed appropriately and have your ID, so just use the restroom with confidence like you belong there (because you do). Plus, Minnesota is much safer than some other states. I think you will be fine. I'd bet no one will even notice.

Just sitting here thinking. In my closet is a little black dress that I picked up at the garbage dump when I was a teenager. I tried it on and it did fit. I thought maybe my mother would approve since she put dresses on me as a child and treated me like a girl. When I showed my mother, she did not approve. I was told to take it off and not let my father know about it. Now I know not to seek approval by my mother by wearing a dress.
It doesn't fit now, and being 50 years old, looks a bit rough. Occasionally, I might consider cutting it up and making Barbie clothes out of it, but no, it is a memory, the first dress that I put on myself. Maybe the most important part is that it did not disappear, it was not taken away and destroyed.
Looking at it now, I wonder if it really is a dress, and it is not black.



Michelle

That was interesting. Log-in.gov wanted to verify my identity before signing me into social security to download a 1099 for 2023. They sent a link to my phone to photo my driver's license and a photo of myself. Then verify my social security number, address, phone, etc. They sent me a key for next time.

Now I'm glad I renewed my license four months early. Depending what they do with the photo of the driver's license, they have on record one with female on it. Since I never had a passport, they can't compare.

Now I need to go to the bank and update the photo of my driver's license they have on file.
Michelle

In case you were wondering. The regular driver's license, without a beard and show female was to first, then get the updated birth certificate, and later get the enhanced driver's license.
Michelle

Doing some research on spironolactone. It appears I may have two problems with it. Making sure I drink enough water, and my blood pressure is on the low side. My last blood pressure test was 121/68. I'm sure spironolactone would push it too low.
Starting with a testosterone level of 379, it should be no problem to get by on estrogen alone. I got the testosterone test without a doctor's referral as a walk in, but saw no place to check for estrogen levels.
Michelle

At times I get the feeling that I don't belong. I wonder if it is just me or did someone actually insist that it should be that way. When it comes to the VA clinic, there is an idea that it should only be for veterans that have a service connected disability. Or is that just an excuse to justify why I don't feel like I belong.
Perhaps it is an attitude that I feel when I am there. Unlike the others, I stand up straight, I walk without a cane or any other aids, and I do not limp.

Despite the fact that I have never been diagnosed with autism, i know that I'm autistic. Being autistic, at 10 years old, how was I to know that my dad wearing a badge, did not have the power to put me in the county jail for not behaving exactly how he wanted me to.

I think about sex discrimination. If I could dissect it, could I say I was discriminated against because I looked too feminine. Not even considered for our barracks touch football, due to looking too feminine.

Sex discrimination of a male by other males, don't be ridiculous.  This was back in the late 1960s.
Michelle

Quote from: Michelle_K on May 31, 2025, 03:29:26 PMAt times I get the feeling that I don't belong. I wonder if it is just me or did someone actually insist that it should be that way. When it comes to the VA clinic, there is an idea that it should only be for veterans that have a service connected disability.

QuoteOr is that just an excuse to justify why I don't feel like I belong.
Perhaps it is an attitude that I feel when I am there. Unlike the others, I stand up straight, I walk without a cane or any other aids, and I do not limp.

Michelle, I felt this post. And, no, I don't think you are imagining this. Rather, I think this speaks to a painful truth, how society so often only validates pain when it's visible.


~ Lilis 💞

Quote from: Michelle_K on May 31, 2025, 03:29:26 PMAt times I get the feeling that I don't belong. I wonder if it is just me or did someone actually insist that it should be that way. When it comes to the VA clinic, there is an idea that it should only be for veterans that have a service connected disability. Or is that just an excuse to justify why I don't feel like I belong.
Perhaps it is an attitude that I feel when I am there. Unlike the others, I stand up straight, I walk without a cane or any other aids, and I do not limp.

Just remember that the VA "serves all who served". Not all disabilities are visible or crippling. Many of us suffer from PTSD, which has no outward signs.

Not all veterans who use the clinic are there for a service-connected issue. Many are there just to get their bloodwork done, renew a prescription, get an X-ray or scan, or even just attend a class on diabetes or other health issues. Some of the people there are not even veterans, but caregivers or relatives.

Don't ever think that you do not belong. You most certainly do. When I go, I don't think about how different I am from the Korean War vet sitting next to me. Instead, I am proud to sit next to a hero.

You matter and you belong.

It is a bit ironic that this time my journey starts with scars on my wrists. I did break both my wrists, and putting plates into my wrists left visible scars. In the hospital emergency room they find the female underclothes and I get listed as transgender. For the first time, I am addressed as Michelle. When my sisters are finally contacted, for once they ... My feminine tendencies are not due to any mental illness.

The time before, the knife was imaginary. I don't know if it was a personality change, like going from a fear of women,due to an abusive mother, to loose that fear. I refer to it as becoming a woman to loose my fear of women. Only to discover that I've been hiding my physical feminine characteristics.

I think as a teen, I read a book about Sybil, I don't recall the title. So I learned about multiple personalities. It didn't help to have my dad make the false accusations, making me think that I had a Jeckle/Hyde multiple type.

Did I really ask another personality to show me the sex abuse? I had to learn why I had so much anger towards my new step father.
Michelle

Quote from: Michelle_K on June 01, 2025, 01:22:01 PMMy feminine tendencies are not due to any mental illness.

I don't know if it was a dress, a slip or something entirely different, Michelle, but it is elegant. And I feel much the same way you feel when I visit the VA clinic closest to my home. I never felt as though I belonged and remember, as a little girl who was trained to act like a boy, attempting to jump high enough off the ground I could return home. Yet, here we are, and I have come to terms with this place. If you do decide to turn the garment into Barbie dresses, please be sure to post many photographs. You are an artist.

Last year after my blood tests I was told by my local doctor that my HDL was too low for getting HRT, even though my LDL was in the normal range. This year after my blood tests my LDL is too high to get HRT, even though my HDL is now in the normal range. There was a mention of a statin to lower my cholesterol to get it into the normal range before I could get HRT. I read where in women HRT would lower cholesterol.

Because my PSA is now triple what it should be, I am being referred back to the urologist. No cancer, just high PSA. It would seem to me that estrogen should lower my PSA, but since there is no cancer, no need for the estrogen. I do have a history of high PSA. Maybe I should blame the fast food hamburger with the soy oil dressing that I had just days before the test. For me too much (how much is too much?) soy oil will cause abdominal pain.
Michelle

Quote from: Michelle_K on June 01, 2025, 08:12:32 PMThere was a mention of a statin to lower my cholesterol to get it into the normal range before I could get HRT.

I take Rosuvastatin every day. It has kept my cholesterol levels exactly where they need to be for years now.

High PSA can be caused by several things that are not cancer. Enlarged or inflamed prostate, or a Urinary Tract Infection. Testosterone supplements can also cause this. The Urologist will be best able to diagnose the issue, but is unlikely to prescribe estrogen to treat it.

What I was getting at was a year ago, my cholesterol LDL was normal and HDL was too low. I can change my diet to reduce my cholesterol,  but the HDL might go too low again, and again denied HRT.

Quote from: Michelle_K on June 01, 2025, 09:58:58 PMWhat I was getting at was a year ago, my cholesterol LDL was normal and HDL was too low. I can change my diet to reduce my cholesterol,  but the HDL might go too low again, and again denied HRT.

I understand. I tried using diet to control mine, too, for many years. But as we age, that becomes less effective. Originally, they tried Simvastatin, but it didn't seem to work very well, so they switched to Rosuvastatin. Perhaps, if you start on a statin and it works at keeping it controlled, then that would clear that obstacle, so you can start HRT if you want to.

@Michelle_K
Dear Michelle:
What is your doctor telling you regarding you being able to start HRT? 
Are you getting any suggestions about getting your cholesterol numbers the
way that the doctor wants them to be quickly?  Medication prescription perhaps?

As far as I am aware it can take "forever" for diet alone to affect your cholesterol
blood tests... sometimes it is just in your genes regarding cholesterol.

I am wishing you success in getting your HRT started sometime soon.

HUGS and my best wishes to you. ❤️❤️❤️
Danielle [Northern Star Girl]

Quote from: Michelle_K on June 01, 2025, 09:58:58 PMWhat I was getting at was a year ago, my cholesterol LDL was normal and HDL was too low. I can change my diet to reduce my cholesterol,  but the HDL might go too low again, and again denied HRT.

I got a call today and my appointment for the urologist is tomorrow. Gathering up papers to take with, I happened to look at the results from the blood test done last year at the VA. That one showed both, my LDL and HDL in the normal range.

I might have to explain about the severe abdominal pain I went through back in 2013. And also explain the reason I had my testosterone tested back in 2005.

Something I heard someplace. The military spends more on Viagra then on transgender services.
Michelle

I was wondering why they had a small carnival set up in the parking lot of a mall in Willmar. So, I typed in Willmar celebrations. I never did find out the reason for the carnival, but I found a couple of Pride celebrations. Both being at places that serve alcoholic drinks. My being an alcoholic might be a minor problem.

I now wonder if my reaction to a movie with two males kissing was due to having been sexually abused by a male.
Michelle

I spend my time watching videos about various subjects. Watching a video about narcissists, something might click, like a narcissist makes it sound like he is an expert on a subject, when he knows very little about it. Maybe some article in a magazine about men wearing women's clothes. The article may say that some wear women's clothes to get a sexual thrill.
Then he has to show his expertise by telling me all about how men only wear women's clothes to get a sexual high. Nothing about transgender dysphoria or any related subjects. From him I learn about homophobia and transphobia.

I think about the thought of like father like son, or the other way around. If I turned out to be gay then it might mean he was also gay, so (speculation) makes up a story about his 10 year old having sex with a girl cousin. (or my sister lied to him.) The result being her brother uses it as an excuse to again sexually molest me, this time with others to hold me while he does it.
The scene in the "Crocodile Dundee" movie doesn't help either. I don't know if it goes back to when my mother put dress on me, but when I on the Halloween costume Dorthy dress for the first time, I had a dread someone would check if everything was proper under it.
Michelle

One celebration in the Willmar bar is a drag show.

Quote from: Michelle_K on June 04, 2025, 03:34:54 PMI don't know if it goes back to when my mother put dress on me,

I found this article in Britannica that I found interesting.

Has Pink Always Been a "Girly" Color?
https://www.britannica.com/story/has-pink-always-been-a-girly-color#:~:text=At%20the%20beginning%20of%20the,and%20blue%20for%20the%20girls.

Back before pastels were popular for babies, most parents dressed their kids in white dresses until they were about six. ... this outfit was practical: white cotton could be easily bleached, and dresses allowed convenient access for diaper changing. Then pastel colors became a fad for babies. These pastels weren't marketed to a certain sex: both boys and girls were dressed in a wide array of pastels, including blue and pink.

I don't want to get into any debate about differences between boy dresses and girl dresses, as if there was any. There are painting. with curly hair children in dresses that are boys that are royalty. There is even a photograph of FDR as a child wearing a dress.

Colored dresses became available with dies that would withstand bleach. dresses not needed with the addition of snaps on the inner legs of pants.

My case is my mother stating that I look like a pretty girl, after putting a dress on me at the age of about 3, and maybe even some lipstick. Or that I was a good girl for sweeping the floor. Later my mother would deny that she put dresses on any of her boys. With photographs of me in dresses, what am I to think?

1. She does not consider me to be a boy. Perhaps intersex.
2. A technicality, They are not dresses, they are jumpers.
3. An outright lie, don't blame her for me believing I am a girl. (Nature VS Nurture)

And then there was a boy cousin that would be pulling down my pants around other boys, as if to prove to them I was really a boy. My hair is not as long as a girls, but still not short as a boy's.

I think I got off topic. I have watched some videos about the reasons colors are associated with the sex of the child. There again, my baby blanket is pink with a blue border. It would appear my baby blanket is announcing to the world that I am a girl.

Being transgender, I wonder why this was allowed. Even though my birth certificate states male. I have memories of growing up as a girl. With a dollhouse, and a doll almost as big as me. Sleepovers with a girl cousin, and making potholders with the girls at school.
Michelle

I did have my appointment with the urologist. The bladder stone is still there. Last year it was a problem with getting a volunteer to drive 50 miles to the hospital for the procedure, wait for however long it took, and then drive me back home. There might have been a bit of miscommunication. I didn't understand the stone could have been removed when the surgeon was at the local hospital, with about a 15 minute drive. I need to contact my sister, and let her know what is happening. Then get back to the urologist, to set up the appointment.

While I was there, I think we decided she would contact another urologist that was familiar with Klinefelter syndrome. I think there was a hold on that until I get the bladder stone taken care of.

I think it would be best to hold off of getting any HRT until after the stone is removed.
Michelle