Hi, Robby. I'm so glad you came back and shared these feelings and experiences. As Annaliese said, many of us are going through similar processes, so hearing about yours reminds us that we are not alone or off-target.
Quote from: Robbyv213 on May 21, 2025, 09:28:56 AMIts moments like these that I'd rather not choose at all, moments like these that make me feel it would be nicer to not exist anymore so I wouldn't have to make a choice that will ultimately hurt the ones I love.
I want to add this to what Lori has already said: You are not hurting anyone by being your authentic self. People who claim you are are simply blaming you for their choice to limit themselves to a very narrow worldview. You are not obligated to adopt their limitations. Love isn't about wanting something from someone else; it's about wanting them to have the life that nurtures their soul. Denying someone that right is attempting to control others.
To confront the fear of change and loss, I ask you to consider: If you were to live your life the way you want to, what would be the worst thing you think could happen with your family? I realize it's not a fun experiment. Now ask yourself: If that happened, what would you do to move forward from there? That may be more difficult to address, but I assure you, there are solid answers - and you are absolutely capable of handling them.
Living the rest of your life wearing armor and a mask is the familiar discomfort that you know very well how to live and tolerate. From what you've said, the benefits are "stability" and the conditional love of your wife. You're the only one who knows whether it's worth the cost of pretending to be someone you aren't.
Quote from: Robbyv213 on May 21, 2025, 09:28:56 AMI feel so lost sometimes. I keep asking for a sign, that I'm on the right path, or making the right choice. The answers never seem to come...
I suspect the signs are already there and that what you may be looking for is an easier path - which will likely never appear. You've probably read the stories of many others about how they didn't decide to take the leap until it became more painful to stay where they were than to choose to be whole and content.
Only you can decide what is right for you, and the same is true for others. You don't govern their happiness. Don't let them convince you that you do.
