You are stronger than you think. It is important to let them know and that you are willing to hear their concerns. But the end decision is still yours and no one else's. Many will realize that they want you to be happy, and so will not fight you on it. Those that do, ... well, again, why wouldn't they want you to be happy? Does it make them happy to see you unhappy?

You will get through this. Sometimes it is better to just rip off the bandage quickly and get it over with. The wound may not be as bad as you expected. The decision of whether or not they will support and accept you is their decision. Allow them time to decide if they want you, the real you, in their lives.

Thanks @Lori Dee

Hi, Robby. I'm so glad you came back and shared these feelings and experiences. As Annaliese said, many of us are going through similar processes, so hearing about yours reminds us that we are not alone or off-target.

Quote from: Robbyv213 on May 21, 2025, 09:28:56 AMIts moments like these that I'd rather not choose at all, moments like these that make me feel it would be nicer to not exist anymore so I wouldn't have to make a choice that will ultimately hurt the ones I love.

I want to add this to what Lori has already said: You are not hurting anyone by being your authentic self. People who claim you are are simply blaming you for their choice to limit themselves to a very narrow worldview. You are not obligated to adopt their limitations. Love isn't about wanting something from someone else; it's about wanting them to have the life that nurtures their soul. Denying someone that right is attempting to control others.

To confront the fear of change and loss, I ask you to consider: If you were to live your life the way you want to, what would be the worst thing you think could happen with your family? I realize it's not a fun experiment. Now ask yourself: If that happened, what would you do to move forward from there? That may be more difficult to address, but I assure you, there are solid answers - and you are absolutely capable of handling them.

Living the rest of your life wearing armor and a mask is the familiar discomfort that you know very well how to live and tolerate. From what you've said, the benefits are "stability" and the conditional love of your wife. You're the only one who knows whether it's worth the cost of pretending to be someone you aren't.

Quote from: Robbyv213 on May 21, 2025, 09:28:56 AMI feel so lost sometimes. I keep asking for a sign, that I'm on the right path, or making the right choice. The answers never seem to come...

I suspect the signs are already there and that what you may be looking for is an easier path - which will likely never appear. You've probably read the stories of many others about how they didn't decide to take the leap until it became more painful to stay where they were than to choose to be whole and content.

Only you can decide what is right for you, and the same is true for others. You don't govern their happiness. Don't let them convince you that you do.

@Pema thank you for your insightful words as well. Lots to continue to think about.

@Robbyv213
Dear Robby:
Your "special" day has arrived... 
                              ... Saturday, May 24th

All of us on the Susan's Place Forum are wishing you a very, very
          H A P P Y    B I R T H D A Y 
                             

                                                     
Wishing you well and enjoy your special day with your loved ones and friends.

Warm Regards, Danielle [Northern Star Girl]

                               
                                 

Have a good birthday XX

Happy Birthday, Robby!

Thank you for the bday wishes everyone

So I decided ( as of right now until my fear takes control again lol) that I am all in. What ever it takes I will do it and over come the obstacles and enjoy the journey.

I started today, to change my workout routine to more cardio. Weight training for legs 3x a week, upper body workouts are being put on a hold until I am able to decrease in muscle size ( which will be an experiment) once I feel I have or am moving in the right direction I will re incorporate upper body workouts. Changed my nutrition to always be in a calorie deficit and reducing protein intake and any supplements that help prevent muscle loss (not completely cutting them out just smaller portions).

I am not openly out socially or anything but when my wife and I are together and something comes up or bothers me I am no longer hiding it or saying it's just fine and not talking about it. So I'm hoping that these changes there will be some forward movement.

I know transition is a marathon and I know my goals will take years, especially reducing muscle mass (since it took me 26 years to build the muscle I have I know it will take some time to reduce it as well)

I'm also trying to come up with a budget so that anything not necessary is not having money going towards it. Hopefully I'll be able to start building funds for future transitional needs.

Lastly I am going to make more of an effort to try to attend at least one in person local support group each month and get myself out into the community.

I know it's a marathon, and the journey is as important as the destination. I am all in, for me, for my future, and for my happiness.

Its funny. We all go through the highs and lows emotionally.we ride the waves and try to learn to surf. Only when I commit to myself and say I am doing this am I able to actually stand on the surf board and ride a wave. It feels amazing to start to be less apologetic, and more authoritative when it comes to who I am, how and what I am feeling, and the path I am committing myself to. The path my heart has always longed for.

Sure the doubts are still there. Mostly about what ifs that I haven't had to deal with yet, and the financial ability to transition and be able to afford what ever care I may end up needing. But it's a process and I'm leaving it up to the universe/God to provide everything when I need it in divine timing.

My current fear is, committing to going all in, and now the VA has to change policies due to pressure from the current administration and I end up on all the best medications only for them to turn about and rip it all away from me.

Has anyone who was receiving hrt before the election and is grand fathered in, now being told other wise and the VA is declining care? I only ask because my next appointment for blood work and seeing my Endo is at the end of July.

Quote from: Robbyv213 on June 19, 2025, 06:40:21 PMHas anyone who was receiving hrt before the election and is grand fathered in, now being told other wise and the VA

Thank you for your service, Robby. I can't answer your question. I'm a veteran but by the time I asked the VA for gender-affirming healthcare, all they had available was talk therapy. I love my therapist (Sarah) but yesterday was our last appointment (VA limited talk therapy to six sessions). Now, I'm on my own and going through Planned Parenthood. Initial consult/diagnosis cost $400. A month's supply of Estradiol transdermal patches (which I purchased today) cost $5 at Wal-Mart. I've requested talk therapy through PP but have yet to receive an estimate for this service (I'm comfortable with once a month via telephone). Also, I need to see my primary at PP once every three months for a year (I assume the cost will be something less than $400 per visit). It's worth it and I get treated so much better than I did at VA (Sarah aside).
  Hope that helps. Hugs.

Quote from: Robbyv213 on June 19, 2025, 06:40:21 PMMy current fear is, committing to going all in, and now the VA has to change policies due to pressure from the current administration and I end up on all the best medications only for them to turn about and rip it all away from me.

Has anyone who was receiving hrt before the election and is grand fathered in, now being told other wise and the VA is declining care? I only ask because my next appointment for blood work and seeing my Endo is at the end of July.

Robby,

Sounds like you have a good plan.

I started HRT through the VA in Jan 2020. I have been told that my meds will not be taken away.

The policy states that if you have a diagnosis for gender dysphoria and are being treated for that with meds and mental health, those will continue.

If you do not have a diagnosis or have not started HRT, then you will not be treated. So, existing patients are okay, but no new patients will be allowed. The only things that got taken away are voice training, prosthetics (wigs, breast forms, binders, packers, etc.), and electrolysis. These are seen as "cosmetic" and so got eliminated.

Robby, congratulations on your decision to commit to the journey. A dear friend once told me that, when meditating, the critical moment is not while you sit or even the moment you first sit. It's the moment you truly decide you're *going* to sit. Everything else flows from that decision.

I know nothing about the resources you'll be able to access, but from the way you've described your intentions and the steps that you're already taking to make it all happen, I'm confident that you'll find ways to get what you need.

I feel stronger and happier about the world from reading what you posted today. Thank you.

@Pema yea. That's so true. I feel the most hopeful and excited about the future when I mentally make that shift from a possible path or action to, I am taking this path action. I feel it in all aspects of life not just deciding to commit to action of transitioning but even when I make new workout routines for myself or learning a new hobby etc.

I am lucky and privileged to have the VA for now providing my care. I am thankful and grateful for them and consider myself one of the lucky ones who had initiated their treatment earlier before the last presidential election. But I am also planning for the worst and finding other resources just in case the worst potential situation actually happens in terms for medical care. There is plenty of history that shows the government will do what ever they want when it bests plays to their advantage and not ask for permission or give any real reasons or even offer an apology after the fact. I would not for one second be surprised about the gov doing something extremely inhumane, and then blame it's victims.

Anyways that took a dark turn. Lol scary times we live in. Watching history happen right before our eyes.

In regards to my last post, all we can do is live in the moment and not let the fear of what's to potentially come stop us from living life. All we can do is the best we can with the resources we have and the situation we find ourselves in. And .ost.of the time for many of us it's usually the bare minimum to get by due to external factory's out of our control.

The only reality we have is the present moment. The past no longer exists and the future doesn't exist. All we have is the moment. If we live in the past or worrying about the future we lose so much of our life and miss out on the moment we're currently in.

That being said that's all life is, a series of choices to either live life or let something stop us from living the life we want or stop us from showing up in the moment how we want to show up. Fear of x , y or Z, when all we have to do is commit to our choice to choose action and live.

@Dances With Trees I am sorry to hear that the VA is doing that to you. I really hope that this insanity is temporary and things change.

I'm glad to hear that you are seeking treatment and care even if it is out of pocket for the time being, and like you said you're probably getting better care than the VA would be able to give you anyways.

I know if they turn around and tell me I have to pay for anything and everything related to gender affirming care that if I have to pay im going to seek care else where in the private sector.

@Lori Dee that seems to be the case here as well for now. I just fear that with the tide continuing to go even more conservative that eventually we will see the VA refusing care even more than they currently are, or make us pay for it out of pocket.

Quote from: Robbyv213 on June 20, 2025, 05:48:00 PM@Lori Dee that seems to be the case here as well for now. I just fear that with the tide continuing to go even more conservative that eventually we will see the VA refusing care even more than they currently are, or make us pay for it out of pocket.

I have had three consults for electrolysis approved as being covered, but no provider in the area. This morning, I got a message from my Primary's nurse that they are setting up consults for me through the Traveling Vet Coordinator. She specifically mentioned hormones and electrolysis. I know Colorado Springs has electrolysis available, but that coverage was cancelled by Trump. On the other hand, Colorado has a state law that you cannot refuse coverage of medical care due to gender identity. Since my service-connected disability rating is 80%, they can't bill me for care that is covered.

This might be interesting.

@Robbyv213, I continue to be very impressed by your mindset. Being in the present moment with what is is such an essential part of focus and clarity. Yes, we must plan and act to move in the direction we want to go, but that still comes down to being clear and making choices now. There will, of course, be setbacks and distractions, but by staying present, we can adapt and continue to progress.

Keep doing what you're doing. It may not lead exactly where you want, but it will take you where you need to be - and that may be better than anything you can imagine today.

Sending love your way,
Pema

This past weekend we went to lake Havasu to visit my wife's dad who is recovering from a surgery in which he got an infection from. He was in good spirits but is getting old. It was much needed to spend time with him for her.

The Saturday night we laid in bed talking after our all day visit with her dad. We talked about many things for almost 2 hours or so, and half of which were things she was concerned about and really opened up about everything she was feeling and going through in terms of me wanting to transition.

I feel it was a real break through for both of us. There was no drama, or a conversation turning into a debate. Just her finally really letting her feelings and concerns out and I as well, and both of us responding with care and compassion. It really was a huge step in the right direction I feel. Leading to her finally saying that she will look into a therapist for herself to help with all of the issues she is dealing with.

At the end of the day we are closer, and understand one another better. That we both know that we love one another and even if our marriage doesn't last due to us both just being inherently who we are, that she still wants me in her life even if it's not in a marriage type of relationship. That we both need to have our needs met (in all aspects health, mental, fears, and relationship wise) and we both understand and support the other when they need to do something moving forward (for example me taking steps forward to transition or her possibly coming to the determination that she can't remain in our marriage etc).

I know it sounds sad but there is also hope in it as well. We all come into everyone life for a season, sometimes longer. We are all ment to do something for that someone, sometimes it's good and sometimes we are unfortunately seen as an enemy which will later teach a lesson they have to learn this life. Sometimes we are a teacher, sometimes we're a student. We always learn and give something to the other person that we need even if we don't see it in the moment.

She is very torn and 50/50 with me transitioning and starting to explore more. I had asked her if she would like to go with shopping with me since I still have yet to use my VA wig stipend that was approved early this year before the VA changed their policies. She said that half of her is excited to go and do that and the other half is very hesitant and unsure.

She has a lot of fears and issues to work through in terms of how my journey is also forcing her onto a journey she never thought she would ever have to take. And unfortunately this journey comes with a lot of hard times and discrimination and unfortunately hate from family friends co workers virtual the entire world (potentially) which is a lot to ask someone you love to take on.

She's also very afraid that my health will be affected negatively. She's a nurse and sees a lot of things over her 21 years of being a nurse. And she's concerned about my physical and mental health, that she's not sure I am able to handle the hardships (when ->-bleeped-<- really hits the fan) that I will mentally be able to withstand it. Basically she thinks I would make an attempt on my own life. Which is a natural concern for her to have.

With all the issues being hashed out and all our fears and feelings really truly being discussed for the first time we both felt safe with one another that we both agree no matter what happens we will always be there for one another, and that she definitely wants to be there for me to support me in every step of my transition what ever way that she can even if we're no longer married. I believe that's the best outcome anyone could hope for, and with time who knows anything is possible.