Quote from: TanyaG on May 20, 2025, 03:51:32 AMI'm reading the comments I've quoted from you and seeing myself in them Pema. You are right about this gender thing being broad and contrived. From a therapy point of view, maybe it's within that perception of yours you need to look in order to find yourself? I'd hazard a reasonably confident guess that that's going to be a really good starting place for you. Very few people come up with such an accurate framing so fast and you've one shotted it.

Thank you, Tanya. Trust me, this is currently very much the core of where I'm exploring myself these days. I'm flabbergasted that you see me as having figured anything out, because the more I investigate, the less clear it all becomes, and the more questions I have. That has been my lifelong pattern, though; once I start looking into something, I seem to end up in a place of asking, "Wait a minute. What are we even talking about here?" This feels similar, and yet... There's also clearly something within me that yearns to be realigned in some way.

For me, there seem to be two fairly distinct pursuits: the intellectual/psychological question of where I fit within this cultural framework called "gender" (and whether it matters) and my spiritual path and emotional experience of being on Earth in human form. At times, I'm not even sure the two are even connected, although they seem to be for most people. The second is definitely the most important to me. My hope is to expand myself so that I can reach the greatest potential accessible to me in this lifetime, and I think living from my heart and feeling and expressing the fullness of my being is the way to do that.

I am so grateful to everyone here for sharing their experiences and for nudging me this way and that when I write clumsily about my own. You all are absolute treasures.

Quote from: Pema on May 21, 2025, 01:30:26 PMFor me, there seem to be two fairly distinct pursuits: the intellectual/psychological question of where I fit within this cultural framework called "gender" (and whether it matters) and my spiritual path and emotional experience of being on Earth in human form.

One of the toughest achievements in mountain climb we all face is deciding we need to climb the mountain in the first place. Plenty of us spend decades circling the mountain before we grit our teeth to make the ascent, but we have to begin the ascent to find our answers and they may lie close at hand, or at the summit, for we all differ.

So in identifying you need to find out where you fit in the mountain of the cultural framework called gender, you've made a decision which will bring sense to your life and help you find where you fit. Almost by definition the climb is also an emotional and spiritual experience because our spirit, the 'who are we?' part of our characters is involved, because this is an existential task. Every part of our character, our very being, is affected.

So, being flabbergasted is good, but be confident in yourself because you are on the journey to discovering who you would be if others had not decided it for you.

Quote from: TanyaG on May 21, 2025, 01:58:59 PM...you are on the journey to discovering who you would be if others had not decided it for you.

This is it for me. And I'm very much a "journey more than destination" person.

Quote from: Pema on May 21, 2025, 02:04:54 PMThis is it for me. And I'm very much a "journey more than destination" person.

I'm not certain I'll ever know if I've arrived, you know? And I like that, because I'm as comfortable with chaos as I am with entropy. A perfect balance might be a little bit understimulating for me, perhaps. So it sounds as if we're alike in that respect.

Quote from: TanyaG on May 21, 2025, 02:19:32 PMI'm not certain I'll ever know if I've arrived, you know? And I like that, because I'm as comfortable with chaos as I am with entropy. A perfect balance might be a little bit understimulating for me, perhaps. So it sounds as if we're alike in that respect.

Quote from: Pema on May 21, 2025, 02:04:54 PMThis is it for me. And I'm very much a "journey more than destination" person.

I am reading a book called "You and your Gender Identity A guide to Discovery ", by Dara Hoffman-Fox. There is statement he makes that  really resonated with me.

Remember if you focus too much on the destination,  you'll miss all the amazing stuff in-between. @TanyaG

Quote from: Pema on May 21, 2025, 01:30:26 PMFor me, there seem to be two fairly distinct pursuits: the intellectual/psychological question of where I fit within this cultural framework called "gender" (and whether it matters) and my spiritual path and emotional experience of being on Earth in human form.

I wrestled with this for a long time. In the end, my spirituality provided the explanation. If we accept the biblical account of the creation of humans, it states that once we received the "breath of life", we became "living souls". It does not say that we became bodies with souls. We are souls that are alive. The body is merely a vessel for the spirit within. When we can truly see this in ourselves and others, the cracks in the vessel are not flaws but make it more beautiful and unique.

Quote from: Pema on May 21, 2025, 01:30:26 PMFor me, there seem to be two fairly distinct pursuits: the intellectual/psychological question of where I fit within this cultural framework called "gender" (and whether it matters) and my spiritual path and emotional experience of being on Earth in human form. At times, I'm not even sure the two are even connected, although they seem to be for most people. The second is definitely the most important to me. My hope is to expand myself so that I can reach the greatest potential accessible to me in this lifetime, and I think living from my heart and feeling and expressing the fullness of my being is the way to do that.

Hello Pema,

Kudos for taking on all aspects of self exploration... Sadly sometimes this is something of a last frontier of sorts as we can spend so much of our life avoiding it or distracted from it... Eventually it makes demands of us and when we rise to those demands... The rewards are great indeed! 🌻

I believe on the first point... searching for labels to apply to ourself or where to place ourself on a scale of gender etc are far less important than answering the question: What do I need to do to to align my life and make it the experience that connects me better to myself..., to the world,... to others... and that truly serves the needs of the soul within?... 🌻

As we address that question... the spiritual aspects of all this begin to fall into place as well... For myself... I always viewed transition as primarily a spiritual quest of sorts... Can any of us say we have truly experience love if we have never shown our true self to others... To love someone... you most know them and sharing myself with anyone was the last thing I felt able to do for most of my life... I believe transition is an attempt to place ourself at a point in our own life where we can truly share and experience love... by making ourself known to others.🌻

That self I speak of can be hard to unearth... it can be quite the process after how long we have spent burying, ignoring, camouflaging and denying that self... That self is found as we find ways to unearth the long buried puzzle pieces and assemble them into the beautiful picture they were always intended to create... The spiritual process is worth any and all energy expended... Happy Digging!🤗

Onward We Go Brave Sister,

Ashley 💕

Quote from: tgirlamg on May 21, 2025, 03:04:55 PMI always viewed transition as primarily a spiritual quest of sorts... Can any of us say we have truly experience love if we have never shown our true self to others...

I am still digesting your words, Ashley. But they resonate within my own soul. Like Pema and so many others within Susan's I am trying to reveal my true self but it sometimes feels as though I am in a house of mirrors and no two reflections are identical. I do my best. Like Pema, I want clarity. I want to shout 'I am' and know exactly who I'm talking about. Thanks to you and so many others within Susan's, I believe that moment will someday crystallize from all the diverse images reflected in the mirrors. But you are so right, Ash, the journey may very well be the destination.

Quote from: Mrs. Oliphant on May 21, 2025, 08:04:44 PMBut you are so right, Ash, the journey may very well be the destination.

Annika,

Thank You for the sweet words sister! 🌸

As we look back at the many mountains we climb... thinking that the top was the destination... We see that the mountains were merely stepping stones to what comes next... 🌻

Onward We Go!

A 💕

Quote from: Mrs. Oliphant on May 21, 2025, 08:04:44 PMit sometimes feels as though I am in a house of mirrors and no two reflections are identical. I do my best. Like Pema, I want clarity.

Clarity takes time to come for many of us. An experience that might chime for some is that undestanding one's own gender incongruency is like hunting deer. Deer are so well camouflaged they disappear when they stand still, even in the open. So you don't end up looking for 'a deer' you must look for what might be a bit of a deer. Having focused on that bit, then you can pull the focus back and suddenly, you see the whole animal and think, 'How could I fail to spot that?'

As an aside, as a kid, I won a challenge several times which was to sneak up on a deer and touch it before it spotted me. It can be done, but it takes almost infinite patience, especially with roe, fallow, reds and sika. I've never managed it with a muntjac

Quote from: TanyaG on May 22, 2025, 04:34:19 AMespecially with roe, fallow, reds and sika. I've never managed it with a muntjac

Life is much simpler, Tanya, on this side of the pond. We have mule deer and whitetail deer. With coastal and Alaskan varieties but, and someone can correct me if I am in error, all the deer are one or the other of the two species. And I could never get close enough to either species to touch one of them with my hand. I admire your patience and stealth. 

You all have added so much value to this conversation.

Quote from: Mrs. Oliphant on May 21, 2025, 08:04:44 PMI am trying to reveal my true self but it sometimes feels as though I am in a house of mirrors and no two reflections are identical. I do my best. Like Pema, I want clarity. I want to shout 'I am' and know exactly who I'm talking about.

Annika, I guess I should clarify that I am eager to see whether this exploration settles into something resembling "clarity," I'm very much here for the process itself, not necessarily the outcome. And are we ever really "done" or is there reason to believe (and even hope) that personal growth and self-discovery are a neverending part of our lives?

On my spiritual path, I continue to encounter - spanning millennia and cultures - teachers who've said that beneath our ego/persona/character, there is a very simple Being, an "I am" that transcends and precedes the conditioning that has been imposed since we were born. Practices like meditation, stillness, connection with the natural world can serve as portals that allow us to reconnect with that Being. I've gone through phases in my life where I was much more in that place than at other times, and I've experienced first-hand how peaceful and "right" that feels for me. In fact, it was a very abrupt and deep return to those practices in January that led me to the realization and acceptance that I am transgender.

What still puzzles me greatly is that that fundamental Being that we all share - and share with all that exists - is genderless. So gender is one of the many add-on layers that exist within the environment where we've incarnated in physical form. I don't think that invalidates in any way the desires we have to identify and express ourselves in ways that society labels as gender-specific - or in any other ways for that matter. Ultimately, I think we're here to figure out what it means to be "me" and share that with the world.

All of which to say that the underlying "I am" doesn't need to be categorized. You are you, and you don't have to explain to anyone what or who that is using paradigms and language that you didn't choose and so can never convey your truth.

Quote from: tgirlamg on May 21, 2025, 08:49:53 PMAs we look back at the many mountains we climb... thinking that the top was the destination... We see that the mountains were merely stepping stones to what comes next... 🌻

Ashley, I'm right there with you. My wife and I love backpacking. We plan these epic week-long adventures deep into the wilderness, prepare everything, including our route and campsites, and it literally never goes exactly the way we planned or looks the way we imagined it would. It's always SO much more. Sometimes we'll hike for hours to reach a mountain pass that we've thought will be the pinnacle only to arrive there and see what lies beyond, and I'll exclaim, "Holy %$&^! Entirely new content!" There is always more. Why would we ever want to become complacent and decide we've finished becoming who we're capable of being?

Quote from: TanyaG on May 22, 2025, 04:34:19 AMDeer are so well camouflaged they disappear when they stand still, even in the open. So you don't end up looking for 'a deer' you must look for what might be a bit of a deer. Having focused on that bit, then you can pull the focus back and suddenly, you see the whole animal and think, 'How could I fail to spot that?'

I love this metaphor, Tanya. I often *feel* them before I see them. I'll be walking along a trail and stop because I have the sense that something/someone is there, and I'll look up and see a deer standing as still as can be, staring right at me. I don't even know how I know in which direction to look. This has happened more times than I can remember, and it's a bit eerie.

Very similarly, while examining my gender identity using my mind is entertaining and does provide historical and contextual insight for what I'm feeling, but what matters most is what it is I feel. Allowing myself the freedom to feel it and see where those feelings take me ends up being far more meaningful than the analytical activity. It was this very aspect of my "awakening" back in January that led to my very rational mind being unable to deny that there is a woman inside of me who is very much ready to have her time in the sun.

Quote from: Mrs. Oliphant on May 22, 2025, 12:59:20 PMWe have mule deer and whitetail deer.

I left out Chinese Water Deer. We have those too! Red and roe are our only native species, the fallow arrived with the Normans, the rest escaped from parks. I love deer, they have such grace.

I learned to outwit deer when I was a child, my father would go into a rage over something that happened at work, take it out on me (and my brother after he was born) and it wasn't unusual to be thrown out the house, often all night. I dealt with it by having a stash of warm clothes and boots, and I'd live as a creature of the dark and that's how I got to know deer. They can scent you half a mile away if the wind's in their favour and hear you coming over half that distance. Compared to say whitetail they are all super alert, sika especially, but roe spend their lives ready to run on the instant.

Further into my teens, I used my deer taught skills to sneak into Ginny's parents house and spend the night with her, so I owe my tutors much more than a brief touch of my hand pressed against their warm hide.

Quote from: TanyaG on May 22, 2025, 01:50:39 PMmy father would go into a rage

I had to catch my breath as I read the above passage. So many times I've turned to you for guidance without realizing the depths of the pain that helped formed such a compassionate soul. On the brighter side, an opportunity to spend the night with Ginny was no doubt a panacea for whatever wounds inflicted by your father. Once upon a time, I was a hunter. And know deer well and though I realized long ago that they are much more beautiful alive than they are dead, I still savor a bit of venison now and then (my daughter is a bit of aa nimrod). So, as long we're on the topic of Ginny...

Quote from: Mrs. Oliphant on May 22, 2025, 04:50:03 PMOn the brighter side, an opportunity to spend the night with Ginny was no doubt a panacea for whatever wounds inflicted by your father.

She was one of those simple twists of fate that changes the path of your life. Ginny was the first person who helped me understand dad was the problem (and my mother an accessory after the fact) and the flak I was taking wasn't because of anything I'd done, or deserved to have happen. Until we fell for each other it was like I had been on this single track railroad with a fixed destination I didn't want to reach and suddenly, she offered a chance to switch to another track. There's lots of reasons why I'm indebted to her, but that's the one that stands out.

To frame this back into Pema's narrative, the thing Ginny helped me understand was that just because others bring you up with no choice but to play one set of rules doesn't make those rules appropriate for you, or deny you agency to choose to live by another set. She helped bring me the confidence to see that standing on my own two feet wasn't possible if I continued to play the deck my parents handed me.

Ginny showed me other decks existed and if Pema's reading this, I hope it helps, because I spent quite a few years trying to get those other decks in focus, once I'd spotted their ears twitching out there in the forest edge.

I had my first laser treatment on my beard two weeks ago. It wasn't a pleasant experience, but it wasn't awful either. What was worse was the acne that followed about three days later. And the no-shave-week's beard growth. Then, it was nearly impossible to shave because of the acne - far worse than anything I had in my teens. I got some salicylic acid face wash, and that's helped considerably. The next treatment is in two weeks. I'm hoping it won't reignite the acne, but I'm emotionally prepared that it will. I sure hope this eliminates a good fraction of my beard.

I also had my physical exam two weeks ago in which I told my doctor I'm transgender. Aside from when I told her I'm going by the name "Pema" (which she immediately wrote in her notes), she seemed mostly unfazed.

My mother's visit next week has been cancelled because of family issues at her end. She's fine but needs to stay to look after her sister until her health situation stabilizes. Maybe she'll come in July. I have feelings of both disappointment and relief.

Today my wife and I went clothes shopping, mostly for me. She had already ordered several new women's shirts for me - all of which I really like - so today we tried out various pants. They all fit me off the shelf better than any pants I've ever bought. Shorter legs, rounder hips, plus lighter fabrics that are more comfortable. Why didn't I do this years ago? They're not particularly dressy pants, sort of outdoor/casual wear, which will be my general style. Still, it's a big departure from the denim jeans that I've worn most of my life. My sweet wife had already bought me several styles and colors of panties, also all absolutely lovely.

My hair is growing out nicely after my last 12mm (1/2-inch) buzz cut that had me nearly in tears. It's reached the annoying stage where it's long enough to tickle my ears but not long enough to restrain in any way. I had a ponytail for 20 years in my younger days; I still remember this phase. As so many here have mentioned, the longer hair really does make it much easier to see the woman in the mirror.

I've contacted a gender therapist in the area and am hoping to hear from her this week. I'd love for that to work out so that maybe someone with some experience can suggest next steps. I'll be honest; there's a part of me that wonders if she'll say, "You're not unhappy enough with your life to justify doing anything serious. It sounds like you're just 'not feeling it' as a man and want to try something different." And I do ask myself sometimes how uncomfortable a person needs to be to take a leap like this.

I don't feel an urgency to do anything - other than just continue to explore my inner experience of myself and look for opportunities to express that self in as authentic a way as possible. I'm blessed to have such a supportive partner to assist me with this process. And to have all of you accompany me on this road.

Quote from: Pema on June 03, 2025, 06:44:16 PMI'll be honest; there's a part of me that wonders if she'll say, "You're not unhappy enough with your life to justify doing anything serious.

In the same way that we each have a different tolerance of pain, so do we all differ in tolerance of discomfort with ourselves.

Well, let's see... You are permanently removing facial hair, changing wardrobe, and have notified your spouse and medical personnel of your preferred name and gender. That sounds more serious than "just dabbling".

Congrats on moving forward. No one can tell you what your pace should be. It is when you move at a pace that you are not comfortable with that problems occur. You are on the right track.

Pema!

What a wonderful update!... Kudos on the many steps taken! 🌻

I find myself in agreement with @Lori Dee that this sounds like a bit more than dabbling but, there is no need to rush or take any step in all of this that does not resonate with you! You don't need a game plan at all other than seeking out the joys that each day holds for you... Sometimes it is best to simply hold space for whatever the days to come bring us and the paths that reveal themselves and beckon us! 🌻

All good things to you and your loving wife! 🌸

Onward!

Ashley 💕

Pema, this is wonderful to hear. I am so glad to hear you have reached out to a therapist. I think this is a great step in your process. Someone outside of your immediate family with experience in this area to help you can be very helpful. It is pleasant to follow your journey as
 well. You are indeed an amazing individual who is embracing each day with wonderful energy. I feel so happy for you that you have a loving person to share this with you.

I also feel you are more than just dabbling at this but embracing who you really are. As stated it is perfectly fine to go at a pace that is a slow as you feel comfortable with. It is who you feel comfortable with and I can relate with how you feel.

Keep moving onward sister. 💕🌸🌺

Annaliese

Thank you, @Lori Dee, @tgirlamg, @Annaliese. It all feels like movement in a positive direction for me.

I heard back from the therapist, and she has no openings. After the initial disappointment that I need to keep looking, I've contacted my second choice and am looking for others. The Universe told me she wasn't the one, and I appreciate that.

Today will soon have me back out into the garden after a "day off" yesterday. My body needs a break every few days. There's so much to do out there (always is), and I love it.