Yay!  🎊🎉

Robin, congrats on your first time out as your authentic self, and for walking through the fear to get to your first support meeting.

XOXO 💓

~ Lilis 🌷

Quote from: Robbyv213 on July 13, 2025, 01:50:06 PMI know this is just a brief moment but I think it's still something we both needed and why not enjoy while we have it.

Absolutely! As you've said recently, now is all we have, so make the most of it!

Called the wig shop for an update. Unfortunately they have been busy and have not yet had time to call the VA rep and see why the payment was not going through.
She did however seem pretty sure that the rep they typically go to for helping with payments that are being denied usually comes through for them and gets the payment to go through. So fingers crossed. We have to wait and see.

Prosthetics (wigs, breast forms, binders, gaffs, packers, etc.) were among the things that were no longer covered since they revoked the VA Directive. I am hoping your approved consult pre-dates that and will get covered, as I have a similar issue with covering electrolysis. I had three approved consults going back five years. I am still trying to find out if we are grandfathered, but from what I have heard, they cancelled all of that. I wasn't even allowed my last appointment for voice training due to coverage being cancelled.

I hope you get lucky.

Me too @Lori Dee

We shall see.

I'm feeling stuck. Not sure how else to say it. Stagnant in life in general. I work a 8-5 job at a Mercedes dealership working on cars in the shop. Not what I had pictured my life to be. It was a passion at one point and now it's not. I hate my job but love the people I work with. So far anyways. I'm not sure how they would act when I am socially out. It's just a job that I use to pay the bills. I don't even use them for insurance since its too expensive. And I'm not sure if I will or would be willing to stay there once I come out socially...


I just feel like I'm stuck in many aspects of my life waiting for x y or Z to happen in order to implement plan a b or c. Of that makes sense. I finally feel like happy with where I want to go in terms of transitioning and the woman I want to become. But everything else in my life is on pause waiting for what transition may bring and then reacting to it.

Like I feel proactive in my transition doing everything I can to provide the best possible foundation to build off of from doing the daily/weekly/monthly things such as diet and nutrition, exercise, staying on top of medication, growing my hair out, getting or trying to get a hair care routine, skin care routine, just over all better hygiene routine, therapy sessions, laser sessions, support group meeting (hopefully a once a month thing), doing research and trying to network. It's all baby steps in the right direction for hurry up and wait just like the military right lol.

So I feel proactive in that way, but the rest of my life feels like it's reactionary waiting for when I have to come out, or when I may have to switch jobs, or when my marriage may end. Etc. I definitely don't want to cause a financial burden on my wife by taking a different job that pays less than I make now but may have better insurance that covers more gender affirming stuff. But I feel like any day now I'm going to say screw it and quit my job as a technician. I don't mind working on my own cars, but it gets old working on other people's cars especially when you see a fraction of what the customer pays for what ever work they're having done.

I just feel stuck in just about all aspects of my life besides transition. And it's been that way for awhile. Living job to job, pay check to pay check. Never really being able to save up or plan for a future. Never really living life, just surviving and getting by on stuff that's ok but def not a passion or not anything that sets my heart and soul on fire.

Finally dressing and going out in public to the support meeting last Saturday, that set my heart and soul on fire, nothing else in my life does.

I'm trying to be patient. I know this is a marathon. It's a long term game. I get it, but like I said I just feel stagnant. I feel like I'm just existing. Being reactive and going with the flow, vs being proactive and being the captain of my shop and steering it where I want it to go if that makes sense. And all the while doing the routine maintenance and chores you have to do to keep your vessel sea worthy. Sorry not sure how that turned into nautical symbolism. Lol

Anyways that's where I am at right now in how I am feeling.

I finally showed my wife the pictures I took of myself on Saturday, getting ready the outfits, driving being a jeep girl,.some selfies at the support group (don't worry they are just of me so I don't out anyone else), and trying on wigs later in the day. She didn't say much other than I looked like my daughter. And she liked the wig that I picked out. So that's good. I feel like I'm finally able to start talking and sharing more things about stuff that excites me in terms of transitioning and or just girl stuff. So far it seems like she is ok, but I am trying not to overwhelm her either.

Ok well got to get ready for work. Just felt like I needed to get this out and in my blog/diary.

Thanks for sharing, Robby.

Sometimes, it helps to write out what you're feeling. Danielle does journaling, and Davina uses her diary to "unclutter" her brain. I find it helpful as a record of what I went through on my journey. When you write it out, you have to focus on the topic and organize those thoughts so that you can write them. That is helpful in starting to figure out where the problem lies and what solutions may be possible.

When I had my hypnotherapy practice, I would ask my clients "The Magic Question" as a tool to help them figure things out. The Magic Question is:

If I could snap my fingers and your problems were instantly solved, how would that change your life?

The immediate thought is "I would be so happy!" But such changes impact other things. So you need to think about what your life would look like.

Where would you be living?
Where would you work? And what would you do?
How are family, friends, neighbors, and coworkers affected by this change?
What would your social life look like? Would it change? In what way?
What about hobbies or other interests? Which would you keep, and what new ones would you start?

As you think about these things, other questions/scenarios may present themselves. But once you have a clear image of what your life would be like, then you are prepared to make plans to achieve it. If finances hold you back, think of ways to earn on the side. If location is the problem, plan a way to move to a new location. If employment is a problem, start looking at what might be available.

It is perfectly normal to feel stuck. I have been there many times. But when I feel that way, I use that as motivation to make changes (or at least plan them out). Go back to the beginning of your blog and read how you felt back then. Compare that to how you feel now while out, like at support group meetings. The small changes you made back then have had a big impact on where you are now.

You got this. 

Thanks @Lori Dee I will give all of this some thought. But my initial reaction to most of those are situational dependant and again waiting for something to happen or play out in one part of my life to react and then changes happen in other parts.

Quote from: Robbyv213 on July 16, 2025, 12:18:28 PMThanks @Lori Dee I will give all of this some thought. But my initial reaction to most of those are situational dependant and again waiting for something to happen or play out in one part of my life to react and then changes happen in other parts.

I understand. My point was that you are being proactive in your transition, and the changes are positive. Translate that into other areas of your life. Be proactive instead of reactive.

No update yet. Wig shop did email and call the VA rep that they use to get payments processed but she is unfortunately on vacation till the end of the week. So I'll prob know more early next week.

Did labs this morning for my upcoming primary and Endo appointments in the next two weeks. I don't mind it, just hate having to miss the gym in the mornings and then have to skip breakfast till after I get them done. The worst is waking up having to go pee badly and then knowing you have to hold it for the urine sample lol. I know it's all necessary, I'm just glad it's only once every three months for now which will eventually become longer.

I scheduled laser for my face. Going to start paying out of pocket for it and just going to keep all of my receipts. If the VA ever does start covering it again maybe I'll be able to get refunded or at least I'll have electrolysis covered. Either way I don't want to play the waiting game with the VA for that since it prob won't get reversed until someone new becomes president assuming they're not one of Trump's worshipers.

We're going to Sedona az this weekend. We rented an air b and b for my wife's daughter whose is visiting from the army. So an extended weekend. Not much else to report.

Just waiting for my labs results and my Endo appointment, and seeing what he suggests we do in terms of my current hrt protocol.

Sedona az was nice. Always beautiful up there. Unfortunately anytime I do anything normal or with family or friends where I have to try to pretend that nothing's going on behind the scenes I always end up super depressed and second guessing my choices. So much so that if and when I dwell on those thoughts I become extremely sad and depressed and start thinking a long the lines of I'd rather not have to make a choice, as in if I didn't exist there would be no choice for me to make.

Lucky I had a therapist appointment a few days after the weekend which helped.

Not sure why weekends or time off and having to do family activities or things with friends it makes me have doubts. During the week is fine, work distracts me and the weekly tasks keep me from thinking too much about it and I'm 💯 all in and usually positive and up beat. Weekends though are usually the opposite especially when having to do things in public or anything to do with water recreation or pretty much feeling like I'm exposed for everyone to see Or I think everyone is able to see what I'm really doing when I'm not ready to socially come out yet.

It def makes me feel like I'll never be ready to come out and actually try to live life as a woman. Which again makes me second guess and have doubts which ultimately leads to suicidal ideology etc.

Wig update. So basically the original VA person that authorized the wig funds was laid off and they basic have to re do it with the new person's authorization code etc. From what they said it sounds like there was or should be no reason that they won't be able to get a new updated payment voucher since the previous one was never used and approved before policy changed, and if the person was never laid off it would have gone through anyways

Quote from: Robbyv213 on July 23, 2025, 03:41:30 PMWig update. So basically the original VA person that authorized the wig funds was laid off and they basic have to re do it with the new person's authorization code etc. From what they said it sounds like there was or should be no reason that they won't be able to get a new updated payment voucher since the previous one was never used and approved before policy changed, and if the person was never laid off it would have gone through anyways

I hope it goes through, but I have my doubts. I was already involved in voice training, everything was approved, and I had been seeing a VA provider. They canceled my last appointment, so I could not continue. Voice and prosthetics were two of the things that were canceled outright, and it didn't matter if you were already being treated. Only Mental Health and hormones continue if you have already started.

Good luck!

@Lori Dee I hope so as well.

Off topic, what anti androgen shot are/were you getting as part of your hrt protocol? I'm thinking about asking or bringing it up this next appointment depending on where my t levels are at, since my Endo brought that up at my last appointment.

Quote from: Robbyv213 on July 23, 2025, 04:23:45 PM@Lori Dee I hope so as well.

Off topic, what anti androgen shot are/were you getting as part of your hrt protocol? I'm thinking about asking or bringing it up this next appointment depending on where my t levels are at, since my Endo brought that up at my last appointment.

I started on Spiro, but it wasn't working. They added Finasteride, but that didn't help; in fact, both of these affect the 5α-reductase enzyme instead of actually blocking T production. 5α-reductase affects all of your hormones, so messing with that was messing up everything, estradiol and progesterone too.

My Endo then stopped those and put me on Eligard (leuprolide) injections every 90 days, plus a Casodex (bicalutamide) tablet daily. The injection blocks testosterone production at the source. Casodex (bicalutamide) blocks androgen receptors, so if there is any T in the system, it will have no effect.

We finally got my estrogen levels back up where they needed to be, and have been high for over a year now. They are high enough that we are hoping that it will suppress T production without help. So I have stopped the Eligard injections and only take the Casodex (bicalutamide) tablet daily now. So if stopping the Eligard causes T production to start back up, the Casodex will block it, so it has no effect.

I won't be due for labs for a few months, so then we will know if I need to go back on the Eligard injections or not.

Hope this answers your questions.

I checked my VA online portal to see if my labs were processed or not. And they were.

Currently my estrogen levels are 136, previously from 191.

Test levels are currently 22.9 previously from 91.

Only thing we added from last appointment was daily oral progesterone which after about a month I started using as a suppository since it's more effective as it bypasses the liver and rest of digestive system.

Is there anything I should potentially bring up with my Endo next week.

Id imagine that we may only tweek my current meds dose and frequency vs adding more.or different medications into the mix to get me holding constantly at the right levels

Quote from: Robbyv213 on July 23, 2025, 05:40:34 PMI checked my VA online portal to see if my labs were processed or not. And they were.

Currently my estrogen levels are 136, previously from 191.

Test levels are currently 22.9 previously from 91.

Only thing we added from last appointment was daily oral progesterone which after about a month I started using as a suppository since it's more effective as it bypasses the liver and rest of digestive system.

Is there anything I should potentially bring up with my Endo next week.

Id imagine that we may only tweek my current meds dose and frequency vs adding more.or different medications into the mix to get me holding constantly at the right levels

I would say your levels are good. It depends on your symptoms. If there are no signs of hot flashes, night sweats, or unexplained mood swings, I would say keep on going until your next labs. But I am no doctor, so this isn't medical advice. Maybe let your endo look at the labs and see what they say. Your E can go higher without problems, and your T can go lower, but if it ain't broke, don't fix it. 

Yea. I just don't really see much in terms of feminization so I figured that's due to my t levels but they are clearly heading in the right direction despite what I had thought.

No no symptoms what so ever, but again not really much in terms of seeing what everyone says you should see in the first month, or three months or 6 months etc.

It has a significant genetic component. What we must keep reminding ourselves is that our "puberty" doesn't really start until our hormone levels are in the correct female range. Once that happens, development can start. Young girls enter puberty around age 11, and development continues into their twenties. That is ten years of proper hormone levels doing their job. Some women develop quickly, some are late bloomers.

I remember a girl from middle school who was a skinny redhead. Most guys didn't pay any attention to her, but she and I were close friends. Her cousins (boys) were friends of our family. She moved away, and I didn't see her until high school. She was in town visiting her cousins and came over to our ranch to say hello. Wowza, she had developed a very curvy and busty figure, her complexion had fewer freckles, and her red hair had lightened to a strawberry blonde. She was a knockout, and after only a few years of puberty.

We have members here who have described limited development for quite a while, then suddenly they have a growth spurt. So it is not just a matter of dumping fuel in the tank. The body decides how it will use it and how quickly changes will become apparent.

Patience is a HUGE part of this journey. Definitely discuss your concerns with your Endocrinologist. They may feel that you could benefit from higher doses or a different way of absorbing the hormones (patches, gels, injections, etc.).

Many providers are shy about increasing levels too high. I had many arguments with mine about this. I had to remind them that basic reproductive biology does not support their caution concerning health risks identified in old studies. Those studies were based upon a combination of equine estrogen and synthetic progestins.

Today, our medications are bioidentical to those produced by the ovaries. During pregnancy, estrogen and progesterone levels skyrocket to levels sometimes ten times higher than puberty levels. And yet, pregnant women are not routinely diagnosed with cancers, blood clots, or strokes. So if there is no history of such and no other risk factors (generally in good health), such risks are mostly irrelevant.

My point is that hormone levels can be safely increased (if bypassing the liver) to signal breast development, fat distribution, etc. But instead of the quick ramp-up that happens during pregnancy, a slower increase is more appropriate (and safe). But the final decision falls to the provider who must write the prescription. If they disagree, they won't change your dose.