I'm so tired of this. I'm so tired of one crises after another that I seem to get by on the skin of my teeth or by luck alone. I'm tired of letting my heart out and getting it ripped to shreds. I'm tired of dealing with the hate and resentment. I'm just sick and tired of dealing with this world. Every time I seem to get a leg up it only seems to be to fall over the next edge.

I'm never going to be a normal woman, and if my life has shown me anything it is that my life will only get more complicated as it goes. Despite what my father thinks i'm not out for attention or drama. I know all to well what the curse of interesting times truly is. Maybe some people think I complain to much about my life, but it is taking everything I have to be positive and hopeful for tomorrow. I never truly believed I would live to see 30 and it looks like I was right. I'll probably end up killing myself long before then.

I hate my life, I hate my very existence. There is only one thing in this world I truly hate and it is myself. I'm not sure where I would go after suicide as a wiccan, but it probably is better then here. Maybe in my next life i'll be normal, and maybe suicide was the point of my existence in this life. Morbid thought I know, but I don't know why it feels like the world is crushing me when it seems everyone else has their s**t together.

This isn't a suicide note. I don't know what this is. I just know that Even if I find a place to stay this fall I don't think anything in my life will change. Things will just get worse and worse until I can't take it anymore and I take a whole bottle of sleepers. Why would my life change its pattern now?

Angel



I am tired of been emotional, but I dare say there will be more tears on the following days. We just have to hang in there somehow.


Alice

Hi, Angel, hon, it's been a while since I have seen you. Obviously not doing too well, eh? Well I know what it was like to feel like crap and since I believed that everyone was out to crap in my soup, one disaster lead to another.

Some used to suggest that I try to see the bright side, to think positive and to count myself lucky for being healthy, having a roof over my head and three meals a day. Jeeeeee, how flimsy and useless those attempts at being supportive were. For every ray of light one would try show me I could think of at least half a dozen storm clouds that were going to drift in and blot out the sunlight. So I slowly oooozed down into the slime of depression thinking to myself that the bottom of this slime pit was where I belonged. I had no self respect or dignity, let alone self esteem left. I felt I had no hope left and I shriveled up and blew away on the hot desert wind like a miniature dust devil in the dry gulch of my mind.

I believe that during these times of low self esteem I brought my own downfalls upon myself. If one thinks negative one gets negative results. Well t'was true what I have said here about those dismal times, *before I even knew about what transsexuality was*. I had given up on life, and the only reason I didn't off myself, I can be thankful today, was fear of going to hell; what if there is such a place? I didn't want to find out.  Needless to say in the end I was left desolate and alone.

It all began to reverse itself one day when I surrendered to life and Great Spirit that I would fight no more and if it was to be that my lot in life was to be misery, then be it.

My life began to change for the better after that. I had a job, I transitioned on that job, I bought the first car I had owned in ten years, I had friends and colleagues at work. I found my partner and we were married  two years later. Funny thing that is, my transition was probably rather uneventful, maybe considered boring, compared to most of what I hear here on Susan's. All I can do is to send prayers that all goes well to all in transition here on Susan's.

Cindy