Ahhhh, the art of friendship during transition. Please allow me to give you my experience.
Unlike many other who have found significant others to share their life with, I have missed the boat, plane, bus or deadline when true friendship was being handed out to people. I think of myself as a good natured person. I go out of my way to do things that most people will never do just so I can hear someone say, "You're my friend." I've even done things where I didn't want to do them but I did them just so that I can hear those few words.
It began as child. I found myself alone not having friends in my life. I was an only child and I often found myself with no one to share. Being introduced to sex at a very young age, I related these acts to keeping people in my life. If you wouldn't be my friend because you liked me, I would have sex with you so that you would like me. I start at 5 years old.
This behavior followed me into adulthood and I still found myself giving up a large part of my life just to have someone say that they like me and would be my friend. My behavior caught up me and now I have a record to show for it. I was placed in intense therapy for 8 years to help me learn how to build positive healthy relationships. Every now and then, I still give away a piece of myself just so I can hear those few simple words, "You're my friend."
My last friend, I met her online in a TS chat room. We had lots in common. We were both TS. She had so much, I thought, going for her. She had a man that she was with for 13 years. She had a nice home. She had what I thought was what every woman wants out of a hetersexual relationship. But there was something very wrong. She, like me, had been traumatized as a child. Her childhood trauma followed her into adulthood. Whenever we would sit and talk, she told me the same story over and over and over again. I tired ever so hard to encourage her to seek help. But, she insisted that she was ok. When I would go to visit her, we would sit all day talking about what others had done to her. There was no positive talk from her. I tired to help with the limited help I had gotten and how I had changed my life around. I told her, "You're post-op now, you have a lovely home, you have a husband that loves you, let go of the negative things in your life." However, the more I said this to her, the more she became angry with me.
Two days ago, our relationship ended badly. She called my house to tell me once again about the trauma she experience as a child. I listened as I always did. It was like I was watching re-runs of the same drama show over and over again. I could say what she was saying to me in my head before she even said anything. When she told me about an issue she was having with one of her family members, I made a comment to her which she didn't like. She became very upset and starting insulting me over the phone. She never even allowed me to explain what I meant. The phone with dead. I had had enough and determined that I'm not going to allow anyone to put me down in the name of friendship. So I block her number and erased her number from my cellphone. I wrote her an email explaining my decision to end the friendship. She insulted me some more when she returned the email and told me if I ever need someone she would be there.
Prior to her, I had a GG friend for 10 years. Again, I did many things that normal people just would not do. For instance, she whould go to Atlantic City and spend all her money and have no way to come home. When she would call me crying, I would get in my car and go pick her up. Atlantic city is 70 miles aways from my home. It was 3am in the morning. I was a friend that she could call anytime of the day and I would go do whatever she wanted me to do. Sure, she let me spend the night at her home occassionally. She would give me gas money when she had it like $10 to drive her 60 miles in one day. Or, she would treat me to a movie or dinner. But, last April, our relationship came to a sudden end. She had gastric bypass surgery and none of her family members came to the hospital to see her. I drove her to the hospital, I sat there in the waiting room while she had surgery and I called her family members when the doctor came out and told me she was doing ok and in the recovery room. I sat by her side for 3 days while she was in the hospital. No one of her family members was there. I drove her home from the hospital help her as much as I could. No one of her family members was there. Yet, I made a promise to her back in 2007 that when I got my student loan check that I would lend her some money. Well, things went south when I did get my student loan check and I had to repair my car, take a taxi home from NYC that cost me over $600 dollars, pay tuition, buy books and buy my baby puppy that I wanted. When I counted my money up, I had enough to give her half what she asked for. I would give the other half a week later. I called her up and explained to her what had happened. She became very upset and told me that I put a dog before her and that I wasn't a true friend. She told me that all the times that she need me that I wasn't there for her but she was there for me. She called me a few bad names and the phone went dead. I cried and decided that it was time for our friendship to come to an end. I haven't spoken with her since.
I'm alone now and hurt. But, I trying to pull myself up because I have surgery in 8 months and I need to continue my preparation for that date. I have things that need to be done. But, in terms of friendships, I rather be alone right now then go throgh what I went through in the past 11 years of my life. I'm tired of buying friendships. I'm tired of buying love with sex acts. I really really tired right now. For the record, I haven't had a sexual act in over 8 years and I don't intend to have any sexual encounter anymore until I have heal from my wounds, mentally and physcially.
I just wanted to share my story for other in transition to see how things can go wrong when we seek friendship with the wrong intentions. Yes, it's nice to have somone there to support you through transition. But, if it for the wrong reasons, it can be a lot of drama and pain. Make sure that your friendships are healthy relationships and not one side doing all the giving while the other side enjoys the gifts but deep down inside, they rather not be associated with you. Actions speak louder than words. Pay attention to how they treat you. If you find yourself always the one giving. That a clear sign that something is not right.
Jasmine
