My son recently told me he is a transgender.  I am trying so hard to do and say the right things but (although I'm sure he doesn't realize it) I'm so depressed and scared for him and his future that I can barely function.  He is 18 years old and he is very rude and disrespectful to me although I have always been a loving mother to him.

I've been reading all I can about ->-bleeped-<-, etc. but the more I learn, the more confused I get.  The lastest theory I read was that MtF transgenders identify too closely to their mother and have a distant relationship with their father and that contributes to their wanting to be like their mother.  (something like that) This strikes me a bit too simplistic but I have to admit that it fits our family dynamic.

Please don't take offense to this but I have an overwhelming guilt that somehow I contributed by being too close to my son.  (and he will have to struggle with this because of his parents)  Would some of you (MtF) mind telling if you were close to your mother but not your dad?

Thank you!  Just trying to understand.

Very close to my mum, shes like my best friend but my step-dad well i'd rather not discuss in public.

Dont blame yourself we are wired this way and its no-ones fault. My mum felt this way until i explained it all to her so theres no shame in how you are feeling.

Your son is also only 18, put some of that agression down to being a teenager hunny.


Just be supportive and it will all work out for you both.

Welcome to the site, honey.

I think, in my case, it would be better if I directed you to another post I made a little while ago which dealt with that very issue.

https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,53550.msg332765.html#msg332765

Maybe that will give you some insight.

I think this is a 'chicken or egg' situation. Are mtfs transsexual because they were closer to their moms?
Or were mtfs closer to their moms because they were transsexual (girls)?

Quote from: momoftrans on January 26, 2009, 10:09:19 AM
My son recently told me he is a transgender.  I am trying so hard to do and say the right things but (although I'm sure he doesn't realize it) I'm so depressed and scared for him and his future that I can barely function.  He is 18 years old and he is very rude and disrespectful to me although I have always been a loving mother to him.

I've been reading all I can about ->-bleeped-<-, etc. but the more I learn, the more confused I get.  The lastest theory I read was that MtF transgenders identify too closely to their mother and have a distant relationship with their father and that contributes to their wanting to be like their mother.  (something like that) This strikes me a bit too simplistic but I have to admit that it fits our family dynamic.

Please don't take offense to this but I have an overwhelming guilt that somehow I contributed by being too close to my son.  (and he will have to struggle with this because of his parents)  Would some of you (MtF) mind telling if you were close to your mother but not your dad?

Thank you!  Just trying to understand.

Hi and welcome,

First that closeness to the mum thing is way to simplistic there are many theories floating about and this one is just one of them. I was not that close to my mum whilst growing up in fact I wasn't very close to either parent because I thought they would reject me if they really knew me.

As far as I know the medical profession has come up with the idea that a transexuals brain and body develop in opposite directions in the womb. So a male to female transexual would have a female brain in a male body and a female to male transexual has a male brain in a female body. As there are many more male to female transexuals this makes sense as every foetus starts out female and struggles to become male if its going to be male. So if the brain is not influences by testosterone it remains female in a male body.

Google search for an organisation called Gires they have downloadable docs you can read on the above.

The anger your son has towards you may be his way of dealing with the way he feels. His feelings need to be spoken about and he needs to see a therapist in the field of Gender Dysphoria. In many ways if he is at 18 he?she? is better placed for a full and happy life than some because of age. This needs time to explore. Many here including myself have messed our own lives up and others in the meantime trying to conform to who we were not.

I hope this makes sense and I hope you both find peace.

Stardust

Sure i was close to my mom but i also loved my Dad even though he was a drunk when they divorced when i was just barely a teen. I also was put in a mental hospital for wearing womens clothes. I use to take baths with my 3 sisters but then mom separated me and i freaked out. I also hated when puberty kicked in and it took over my life taking me on a rollercoaster of hell or ups and downs. I finally figured it all out when i took a hormone to stop my thinning hair which chemically castrated me and took me back to pre-puberty. I was free finally and didn't have that nasty male sex drive driving me crazy. I always wonder about the youth like your child who may be suffering the ups and downs of testosterone which makes thinking incredibly hard.

My recomendation is to help your child by getting them on a spiranolactone type drug (a T blocker) (prescribed by a DR of course) which will block the T from causing the ups and downs and will give the child a chance to think clearly for a while.

Not sure what else to say but i am Danielle a 10 plus yr post op woman who is still celibate and single and well a virgin and realized i wasn't attracted to women and definately not men but i found out i love others like me be they male of female as long as they are over 35 yrs old closer to my age.. I also seek only true love and not just sex so i wait and wait and wait 

Please feel free to delve deeper into your childs actions because it sounds like your kinda rejecting their views which with testosterone in an 18 yr old may be making them angry and hostile which is definately not a good thing and can cause them to do something irrational.

hugs Danielle

PS: I am a volunteer on a farm in central Pa  helping two elderly people be productive again.

I despise my mother and want nothing to do with her but to get an invitation to her funeral and take a match  to it.

Nope, I'm DEFINTELY not a transsexual cuz I'm a, "momma's girl."

Quote from: Nero on January 26, 2009, 10:43:17 AM
I think this is a 'chicken or egg' situation. Are mtfs transsexual because they were closer to their moms?
Or were mtfs closer to their moms because they were transsexual (girls)?

Some biased mental professionals guess first however it is not true.

Hi Mom,   

Welcome to our little family. Over 1490 strong. That would be one heck of a family reunion. Feel free to post your successes/failures, Hopes/dreams.  Ask questions and seek answers.  Give and receive advice.

But remember we are family here, your family now.  And it is always nice to have another parent.   

I was close to both parents, but they never accepted me as me, so I went back into the closet for 25 years.  Mom taught me as if I was her daughter, but she said guys need to know these things too.  I agree with Ms Delgado in that we are wired this way.  But they really done know.

Just be accepting of your new 'daughter' and help her where you can.  She has had a lot of practice in hiding. It may take a while to open up.  And get her a gender therapist.

Janet

I was raised by my mother and grandparents, my mom divorced when i was about a year old, i did lots of things with my grandfather he liked gardening and what i learned i use today, i also learned things from my grandmother like cooking, and fun stuff with my mom. When i was 5 or 6 i knew i was different and it had nothing to do with my mother or grandparents or how i was raised.

Paula.

Welcome!
It's hard being 18 and trans.. um.. any age and trans!
The family research is all pretty uninterpretable, but the main message is: Don't blame yourself! No one's perfect. You did NOT cause your child's transsexuality. It is how we are born.
Advice: be understanding, gentle, supportive, don't blame. Your child needs you. You won't regret doing these things.
Namaste, Lunae

I was really close to both parents growing up, but I was mostly close to my mom. I wasn't feminine in the least really, but when did that have to do with anything? Actually I was usually alone as I got older. I preferred my fantasy... My legos and Legend of Zelda, and my sketchpad and models.

But... Here's the thing.

You had nothing to do with it, and its really not a catastrophe, so don't think of it that way. Its ok to be scared for her (someone who you may have perceived as a son, but has never really felt like one, so its only fair to call them by the pronouns that make them feel more confident and less like a freak. Call them, "her," and, "daughter." That is one of the only ways she'll stop being disrespectful.

I'm in a similar situation with my mom. Its easy to feel resentment when acceptance is hard to get with my own family. I would not have had that resentment if she hadn't said painful things to me, or tried to hide me from the world.

What you need to do is stop worrying WHAT caused this. Its irrelevant right now. What really matters is that your kid needs your support and as confusing and controversial a subject as this is, you must believe them that this is not a phase. Things like this almost never really go away.

The best thing you can do to repair your relationship and understand what she is going through, is to tell them outright that you don't know much about this... To be honest with your kid, and to be as supportive as you possibly can. She has enough to worry about, and in the end the choice to ultimately transition or not will be their choice and no one elses. Do not delay what she needs. Make an appointment with a gender specialist, and make sure your kid knows that you're confused and really scared for her, but that you're trying and that you care.

This isn't a choice. It isn't a mistake, because that would indicate a choice was made. Its not punishment, its not a plague, and whatever it is doesn't matter. What matters is that you love them, and you MUST trust them.


The last thing that I will say is that... When a teenager or son or daughter chooses to tell you something so personal, so taboo, so painful, and a complete contradiction to what they grew up with- They're doing it because they have no other choice. Coming out to you, in her eyes, is the biggest most scary gamble they've ever made. Its an act of faith in you, or because they were so desperate because they can't do this alone. Don't break that faith, and do not make them regret telling you their most painful secret.

Its true. Your fears are logical. The problem is that they probably don't have a choice. The only way to live a life where you don't think the thoughts, "Why am I not a girl? Why was I born like this? This isn't real," All the time 24/7, is to just do it and be what your mind is pushing you to do. In the end, if you deny yourself, you become twice as miserable. If you deny who you are and what you feel like you should be, the pain will be exponentially worse than having a bigot make fun of you.

Your kid is going to have a rough time, but the alternative is a constant never-ending growth-stunted miserable life. They will likely walk this tough road no matter what is done to interfere with their progress. So walk it with them as a mother hand in hand with a quirky daughter, yet loving daughter nonetheless.



If you are curious about what my status is. I am 19 years old and male to female. I've been on hormone replacement therapy for almost a year now. My brain has never felt more comfortable with itself than it is now. Sure I get mood swings, but they're manageable. My doubts about myself usually come from the years and years of living as a male contradicting with my transition, but they never ever last. I am going to art school if I can this fall, and I'm going to go as a girl. My fears about my friends all ditching me, or sending a lynch mob to my house with torches were never really realized. Transsexuality is becoming more mainstream.


Good luck, and be proud of your child. They have risked everything to tell you this, and it means that they still do hold respect for you deep down.

-Kara

Don't do what my own mother did and reject me totally as a human being.  Not only did she do that, as a catholic, she went to the church and let it be known that I was not to be spoken to etc and that I was perverted.

Instead, be there for your child, try not to destroy yourself because you are not the cause rather it is the mystery of human biology, allow her to find a way through the minefield of teenage emotion, puberty and keep a respectful distance from what is a private matter. 

Closeness to my parents was an irrelevence, too complicated to go into here but my father was ex military and ran the home in a similar manner and my mother has already been mentioned hence to say that I was not close to either of them.  My own transgendered state of being is one of those 'mysteries of human biology' and perhaps some day answers may be forthcoming to all of us.  I only wish my mother hadn't rejected me as I would have welcomed female guidance when I was 18 instead of feeling my own way in life.   

If your child seeks your councel, then at least you will be there when that time comes and that is what matters most for the both of you.  Thank you for approaching us and best wishes.

First off, I would just like to say that you're really cool for taking the initiative to learn about this instead of freaking out about it. Sadly waaaay too many trans kids end up being rejected.

Quote from: momoftrans on January 26, 2009, 10:09:19 AMI've been reading all I can about ->-bleeped-<-, etc. but the more I learn, the more confused I get.  The lastest theory I read was that MtF transgenders identify too closely to their mother and have a distant relationship with their father and that contributes to their wanting to be like their mother.  (something like that) This strikes me a bit too simplistic but I have to admit that it fits our family dynamic.

The theory you are referring to was developed by Dr. Joseph Nicolosi of NARTH, a "research" organisation with close ties to faith-based ex-gay programs such as Focus on the Family. He still champions reparative therapy and aversion therapy, both long discredited by mainstream psychology. Apart from a handful of psychologists with a similar ... view of the world, his theories are pretty-much discredited by everybody else. You had nothing to do with your child being transsexual. Transsexuality is a well-documented biological condition. The first concrete indications were made public in the late 70's when a Dutch team of researchers examining the brains of deceased transsexuals found that the BSTi region of the hypothalamus of male-to-female transsexuals corresponded in size to that of biological women, while the reverse was true of female-to-males, who exhibited a male structure. This research has since been complemented by a number of other findings, most recently in 2008 that there are possible genetic components in both MtF and FtM cases. There's no smoking gun yet, and most likely it will be found that transsexuality is the result of a number of different influences and factors, but the verdict is in: We're born this way.

I've been collecting links to research papers and articles and stuff ever since I came out of the closet, and I maintain a page at my blog. I'll PM you.

I was quite solitary by nature, and preferred to spend my time reading or building lego. That said, I was closer to my mom than my dad, though not for lack of both trying to get me to take an interest in stuff my dad did. I simply identified more strongly with my mom and took much more of an interest in typical "girl stuff". He-man and Skeletor sat down for tea instead of fighting it out, I wanted to be a mommy one day, and I was always keen to "help" my mom in the kitchen. She wasn't so keen, seeing as my ambitions far exceeded my abilities.

I just knew from as early as I can remember that I was like her and my aunts and older female cousins more than I was like my dad or any of the other males in my life, though I didn't really understand what that meant till I went to school, and realised that everybody was crazy, because they kept insisting that I was a boy. I kept fighting that insistence until I hit puberty - when my body started developing in the wrong direction it just shut me down.

Mina.

You sound like a wonderful mum to have!

Just wanted to add something new that others have not really touched upon. Just because they are trans does not give them a right to be disrespectful.

I'm assuming they are MtF? I am not sure if anyone can really understand what it is like. All I can say is it hurts bad. Just know that they are hurting but it is very possible for them to resolve these feelings and go on to live a productive and happy life.

My advise is to get them in with a good gender therapist and go talk to the same therapist yourself. You need support too. It is way too easy to beat up on yourself about this but it really is not your fault at all. There is nothing you could have done to forsee or prevent it happening. I think a huge step is realising that they are not really a he and never were (I am making assumptions here that they are MtF as there are different kind of transgendered individuals). Some people never mange it. It is ok to grieve for the child you thought you had.

Best of luck to you, keep asking questions, keep talking to your child. Get yourself some support. You can't support your kid if you are a wreck.

Quote from: momoftrans on January 26, 2009, 10:09:19 AM
My son recently told me he is a transgender.  I am trying so hard to do and say the right things but (although I'm sure he doesn't realize it) I'm so depressed and scared for him and his future that I can barely function.  He is 18 years old and he is very rude and disrespectful to me although I have always been a loving mother to him.

I've been reading all I can about ->-bleeped-<-, etc. but the more I learn, the more confused I get.  The lastest theory I read was that MtF transgenders identify too closely to their mother and have a distant relationship with their father and that contributes to their wanting to be like their mother.  (something like that) This strikes me a bit too simplistic but I have to admit that it fits our family dynamic.

Please don't take offense to this but I have an overwhelming guilt that somehow I contributed by being too close to my son.  (and he will have to struggle with this because of his parents)  Would some of you (MtF) mind telling if you were close to your mother but not your dad?

Thank you!  Just trying to understand.

Welcome to Susan's i think that you will find many of the answers you are looking for right here.  Sure you can consult with the medical professionals and they would probably be more than willing to give you their clinical opinions, but to get to the heart of the matter talk the membership here.  There is a wealth of information here, some good, and some, well lets say not so good   The most important thing to remember is that you had nothing to do with the way he is.  It has nothing to do with his upbringing, his diet, religion, issues in the womb, etc.  It is purely a condition/disorder/disphoria whatever that he is neurologically burdened with and realistically there is only one path he can take to achieve happiness.

Just a couple of questions.

Is he in therapy?
Has he been diagnosed?

steph

Quote from: Nicky on January 26, 2009, 03:45:56 PM
My advise is to get them in with a good gender therapist and go talk to the same therapist yourself.

I'm always hesitant to say this, but it might not be such a good idea to see the same therapist, at least not individually (group/family counseling might be okay). As an angry and distrustful eighteen-year-old, I would have had HUGE problems trusting someone who was also seeing my mother. This might not be a problem for other people, but I thought I should say something just in case.

Momoftrans, try to be as nonjudgmental, loving, and understanding as you can. Your child needs your support. (And you need some, too, so Susan's is a good place to start!)

Welcome.

hello.

good luck with this, as he goes along the process they are likely to become i right bolshy sod. But you will get a happier child at the end.

I was always close to both of my parents.  So no, that does not fit me.  In fact, i had only brothers, and lots of pressure to do the masculine thing.  So I don't put much stock in that theory.

You are obviously a great mom for coming here and wanting to learn.  My hope and prayer for you is that you might be able to rebuild a new relationship with your child, and that you would find a counselor who would give you some good strategies for dealing with your child.

FWIW, being a parent of an 18 year old is tough!  I've been through it twice and I am finally getting smarter every year.

Best wishes,
Kristi

Quote from: momoftrans on January 26, 2009, 10:09:19 AM
Please don't take offense to this but I have an overwhelming guilt that somehow I contributed by being too close to my son.  (and he will have to struggle with this because of his parents)  Would some of you (MtF) mind telling if you were close to your mother but not your dad?

Thank you!  Just trying to understand.

You're getting a lot of feedback, and it's absolutely great that you're looking for as much info as you can

I just came out to my mom a couple months ago.  I've always felt closer to her, but, hardly as close as my best friend (who is most certainly male) is to his mother.  Anyway, I will tell you what I tried to explain to my mom when she tried to apologize to me.  There is absolutely nothing you did do or did not do that caused, or could have caused, this.

When I told my mom, she told me she felt sorry for not picking up on it.  That she should have seen something, or known somehow, I was trans and then would have been able to do something about it.  But the thing is, I've spent most of my life desperately trying to hide how I've felt.  There were no signs to miss, and even if she picked up on something I would have been so mortified that anyone noticed, I would have quickly denied anything.

It took me until I was almost 24 to admit to myself that this was a real part of who I was, and that the life I was living wasn't my own.  It took me 6 months from that point to find the courage to see a therapist, and another 6 months after that to come out to my mom.

I would also stress that this brings a lot of difficult emotions to work through, and there are certain things that I'm not comfortable talking about with my mom right now...that doesn't mean I don't want to talk to her, it's just difficult to.  Personally I don't like answering "I don't know" but sometimes that's the answer.  I'm sure sometimes that comes across as being distant or indecisive, though hopefully not rude or disrespectful.

Anyway, I hope you find some support or answers here or elsewhere, and I wish you the best of luck

Oh and...

Quote from: Arch on January 26, 2009, 07:17:40 PM

Quote from: Nicky on January 26, 2009, 03:45:56 PM
My advise is to get them in with a good gender therapist and go talk to the same therapist yourself.

I'm always hesitant to say this, but it might not be such a good idea to see the same therapist, at least not individually (group/family counseling might be okay). As an angry and distrustful eighteen-year-old, I would have had HUGE problems trusting someone who was also seeing my mother. This might not be a problem for other people, but I thought I should say something just in case.

When I was a teenager and my mom suggested I see a specific therapist for entirely different reasons, my first thoughts were "oh no, she thinks there's something wrong with me, hide it better" followed shortly by "anything I tell this person is going to get back to my mom word for word, so I better pad my answers".  It was an entirely unhealthy and irrational way to think about it, but that's how my mind was working at the time.  I just want to put it out there.  Seeing a therapist is absolutely important, but if she (assuming that's how your child identifies) isn't already seeing a gender therapist, maybe offer help in finding one but try not to be too pushy with anything specific.

Also, PFLAG has resources for transgender individuals, and their family and friends.  I'm still trying to get myself and my mom available for when PFLAG meets.