Last December, I began writing a novelization of an identity crisis that I recently healed from and conquered. Below is the prologue of my book, entitled Who Knew?. I'd like to get some feedback, be it positive or not. All I ask is that it's constructive.  Thanks much!

Prologue

   Surfacing the darkness, a softness presses gently against my lips. A sharp, fresh inhalation of air fills my lungs, echoed by the being above me, around me.
   Bringing me back from the pain.
   Strange...there are arms holding me; ready to catch me if I fall. Something is amiss: Always have I needed to battle the pain as a solitary figure, struggling as though I were pushing a rock forever up an incline. Continual failure.
   Tension begins to clench my muscles, a panic skittering down my spine. Fight or flight; the shaking begins as the memories knock the breath from my body and the sanity from my mind.
   Then a sudden stillness, stiff in the unbearably loud silence. And still I am held, though the pressure on my lips has left. My breathing gradually returns, deepens, relaxes at last.
   A flickering of warmth and the alien emotion of hope seeps into my veins...touches my cheek; cradles it as I feel the urge to open my eyes. To see how it is to know I am not alone.
   But how could that be possible? My eyes have always been closed to such knowledge.

I like it.  I have to be honest, I don't really understand what's going on, BUT that's okay since it's a short excerpt.  The only thing I would say is that if the entire book has that much imagery without explanation, I think readers would get bogged down in it.

Don't know if that was helpful, but I tried. 

Thanks for your input, Jaimey!

My goal with the Prologue was to create ambiguity, so as to get the readers' minds working, asking questions. I plan to answer those questions later in the book, through straight-up facts of what actually happened.
Thanks again!

-Shannon

You're welcome!  I write myself and no one ever gives me the criticism that I want.    Actually, we have similar prose styles, but I could never keep up the imagery and I'd get bogged down in it, so I just kept the style, but put it in poetic form.  So much easier.

I love writing poetry and lyrics. One of my poems even got published in a book of poetry last summer, I was really surprised.

It's interesting though, all the lyrics I've ever written have been enormously difficult to compose music to; I've never managed to get it the way I want it to be. xD

Yeah, I don't attempt lyrics.  I think I'd have to have the music first (that seems to be the way most musicians do it, which seemed backwards to me until I actually tried writing).  But if I were going to be in a band, I'd want to be in a psychobilly band, so that wouldn't be as hard to write for.

Congrats on being published!  I've submitted a couple short stories (I'll hear back in a couple months), but I haven't submitted any poems yet.  I've just started really.  I was so hung up on prose...

Awesome.
What's a psychobilly band?

  It's Elvis meets the Wolfman.    It's roots are in rockabilly/punk/B-Horror movies.  Some bands are Tiger Army, The Nekromantix, The Horrorpops, The Quakes, The Cramps, etc.  Another similar genre is horror punk which The Misfits really created in the 70s.  Includes Nim Vind...and probably others that I can't remember.

Here's a video:

Horrorpops - Miss Take

I guess I would wonder who you are writing it for?  Who is going to read it?  Who is going to feel compelled to read it? 

In any sort of writing, done for an audience, there is some sort of universal.  That universal is easier to accomplish in poetry where the vague quality helps people see themselves in it.  Prose has to be structured to come out and say that in a more pointed manner.

Thanks for your input, tekla!

Pretty much, I'm writing it for whoever's interested, or anybody who can relate, or anybody who still struggles with identifying and accepting themselves. Kinda vague, I know, but it's the truth.
Thanks again!

You have to have an audience in mind, or else when your done, you have a book with no audience.  So use some of that imagination and figure out who that person (persons) is/are.  Then write it to them.  It helps in focusing what you write, so that you know the 'why' of what you are writing.  So said my writing teaching in grad school, who won a Pulitzer Prize (and never came back, we were shocked to be sure) so I always thought she might know what she was talking about.

BTW, I used to work with Jimmy Eat World back when they were the opening act in 200 seat clubs, and I still see them every year or so.  Nice guys.

Personally, I'd rather end up with a book that I love and am proud of that has no audience, than to change what I'm writing until it' isn't "mine" any more in the chasing of an audience..

Just saying, middle paths are usually best.

Hmm...as a writer, I write to be heard, so without an audience...I'd be awfully lonely.  Also, I think defining your audience can help you write a better story.  Knowing who you're talking to can help with language, style, subject, all of that stuff.

I think it comes down to why you write.  If you write for yourself and yourself only, I think it's fine not to define your audience.  But if you want to be heard, it's good to have an idea of who will read your work.

If you write for yourself, you tend not to ask others to critique it.

Quote from: tekla on March 29, 2009, 11:12:54 PM
If you write for yourself, you tend not to ask others to critique it.

Agreed.

I dunno, I've asked for a few opinions from my friends/teachers, and they've mostly been positive.

Personally, I think all opinions one receives for their work-in-progress are helpful in how the piece develops, especially if one gets a variety of opinions from a variety of people. Then, even if one doesn't choose to send one's work of for publishing or whatever, one can still feel as though it is universal in that it appeals to people from many walks of life.

You're a very good writer. If you ever need an editor don't call. I failed English 101.

Lol, thanks Genevieve. 

Hmm... you seem to be off to a good start. The funny thing is, it brings to mind a short story I just wrote for my creative writing class. Should I share that here? Would that be appropriate? Dunno! Most likely, it'd just be too long to post.

Once I get myself sorted out here, and know if I can post a 4,000 word short story, maybe I will, or I could let people PM me to request a copy.

But for now, I think I would like to see more of this story. It's hard to guess what is going on or where it's going, but it definitely caught my interest! I hope you keep at it! It's nice to find other aspiring writers here!

And before I go, a question: I've often heard the saying, write what you know, but I've wondered, do you think mainstream audiences would respond well to books featuring a transgendered main character? I have asked friends and acquaintances, and most say it depends on how the gender struggle fits into the story. I find that a decent answer, but the reason I ask is because I sort of can't help but write from my own experiences... they find their own way into my writing!

Kurt Vonnegut always said writing for an audience of one was the better than inventing a demographic - as you got a clear view of who you are writing for. He wrote for his sister, even after she died. I use myself as my audience when I write a first draft - it's the only thing that gets me through the slog. I reckon my person when i turn it outward is my mate Kate - it's certainly not my sister, she finds my fictions boring.